Hopeworks

I edited the "What Addicts Do" and personalized it to my stbxah (we are seperated but he is NUTS and is making the most outrageous statements about our past in attempts to extort more money so he doesn't have to work).... grrrrrrrrrrrr

Anyway the letter was therapuetic and helped me to see clearly and I am tempted to send it to him but it will just make him ANGRY ... and that may be why I would send it (ok... I am in recovery but still angry too). Could it be a seed planted... or just another irrational thought of mine that it could possibly cause a breakthrough in his distorted thinking? I still hope and pray for him that he gets back into real recovery although I know that is sooooooo unlikely now.

So... I highly recommend writing a letter like this personalizing your A speaking to you. Don't know if sending them to them would be good or we would stir up a huge hornets nest that we could talk about for the next couple of weeks.... (just kidding...lol)

Send or Not Send????


What Addicts Do

My name is Chris. I'm an alcoholic. And this is what alcoholics do. You cannot and will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, are my own needs and how to go about fufilling them. You cannot make me get sober or stay in recovery. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my substance use and abuse or dry drunkenness that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, l, lied to you, stole from you and robbed you of years of your life trying to make a dead end relationship work with me. You are just like all of the other women in my past that I drove away with my addicted behaviors and selfishness… easy to manipulate, easily fooled into trusting my endless promises of change and now I am slandering and lying about YOU to everyone to cover for my own relapses, broken promises and personal abandonment of my recovery program.

Stop expecting that I will “come to my senses” or view our past together rationally or realistically. Stop expecting that I will get back into true recovery and become the fantasy person you always wanted me to be… that person is your illusion not mine. The person you see now is the reality. I am an alcoholic. I don’t want to be sober and I don’t want to live a life of discipline or responsibility. When forced in a corner for legal reasons or otherwise I may have gone through the motions, even went into rehab (to avoid jail) but I hate AA… why let others discourage me from what I know I really want? I want alcohol. Don’t you see? I want to stay in my distorted fantasy world where there is always something or someone else to blame for my problems (you, my family, my friends, my addiction) so I don’t have to take responsibility for my bad decisions, poor choices and bad behavior. I want to numb myself from having to face my past, my present and my future.

I blame you that I am not still comfortable in our relationship where I take and take and take and you give me everything that I need to stay in my addiction. You are the enemy now… you were my hostage and now you have escaped from my control… for the moment. I will continue to try to manipulate back into my grasp and the power of our co-dependency together and your own addiction to me is still deep and strong… I haven’t given up on pulling you back into my alcoholic web.

You see I am an alcoholic and that is what we do.

We hurt ourselves. We hurt others and until I decide I want to change you can do NOTHING to change my reality or my future.

Stop being surprised.

I am an alcoholic. And that's what alcoholics do.

Ann

Writing out what we really want to say is very therapeutic, and can surprise even ourselves.

Most time, sending it is not a good idea. If they didn't "get" all the other million words I have said, it's unlikely they will "get" this either.

What helps me is writing something out, pondering it a while, and then burning it and sending it off into the universe and out of my mind.

Hugs

mayabee

I don't think that sending the letter would do any good- agree that even if the addict reads it, the message won't sink in. I used to write my son tons of letters - would print them on the computer & leave them for him to read. Did no good- for one thing, he didn't have the attention span to focus on my words and frankly, he & his addiction were not interested in what I had to say.

Talking is better if there is a good time when you and the addict are not upset or angry - a dialogue not a one-sided lecture.

I agree that the act of composing a letter or writing in a journal is therapeutic -getting your thoughts on paper is a great idea.

mayabee

Addition to my post.

I realize that you are dealing with an alcoholic but I guess I tend to think in terms of an addict so I used that term. Also, since he is so irrational I understand that an actual conversation may be the last thing you want.

Love Ann's idea about burning the writing and sending it off into the universe. Although it does make me think of a roommate I had who burned her ex-boyfriend's underwear on top of our stove as a way to purge him from her mind. I couldn't stand to cook on that burner for months.

Freedom1990

I'm with Ann on this. I've written many a letter that I eventually burned. It is therapeutic for sure!

Sending hugs of support!

dollydo

Gotta go with Ann. Write and toss.

NotSoSmart

I have written many letters to my AGF. Even if its just a "hi, miss you" type letter, I always sit on it for about 2 days and reread it. If I still feel the same, I seal it up and off it goes. But 90% of the time I either do a major rewrite (and sit on it again) or I never send it.