eaglette

My ABF has been acting very strange lately...withdrawn, preoccupied, disoriented, etc., and I have suspected that he has still been using. I did not say anything to him about it as I have been waiting to see how things play out without my influence. Today he confessed to me that my suspicions had been right, as well as something else he has done in the past week or so which is horrible and drug-related. He claims to know for a fact that he never wants to do another drug again and that he wants to make things right. I know I can't put any faith in these promises, but what I don't understand is why is he telling me these things? Why the confession? I am glad he is finally reopening communication lines with me because things have been awkward, and this is the first semblence of openness I have seen in weeks. I am horrified but don't want to make it so he is afraid to communicate with me again. I am waiting to see what he does next without my influence, so I am trying to say very little. I am just thinking about what I know and realizing that, if that is what I know, I can't imagine what there is that I DON'T know.

Cmslind

Oh my gosh, I so empathize w your situation. I have lived w the dread of what the next awful revelation wld be. At the same time I've taken some perverse satisfaction in uncovering all the lies and deceptions---it's been like living one long episode of CSI except without all the cool forensic gadgets, just my own Holmesian powers of deduction. but now that I've got all the ugly details (most recent was the discovery of crack usage by ABF), I'm not sure what to do w them. He is in rehab but I could not resist letting him know over the phone my horror at this most discovery (learned through a neighbor's shsring of information). Probably bad move but again, I couldn't fake a normal conversation knowing what I now know. Might as well be honest since he NEVER is.

dollydo

Ok, so now what? I believe that you had a boundry in place if he used again, are you preparing to leave or are you going to let it roll? Setting a boundry is meaningless, if, one is not prepared to stand behind it.

As for him admitting his usuage, you already knew, and he knew that too, so, I don't see the great communication level there, he was in the trick box, so, he told you.

I really don't know what to say that already hasn't been said on your previous posts.

Best of Luck, hope this all works out the way you have it planned!

outtolunch

"True Confessions" are often just another strategy to keep us codependents focused on the addict so that it's addict time, all the time.

Ignore the blah-blah and pay attention to his actions or lack thereof. Trust your gut. Where there's smoke, there is fire.

And remember, you can get off Mr. Toad's Wild Ride anytime you want to do so.

eaglette

Thanks to all...No, I did not have an stablished boundary regarding what I would do if he used again. The previous post you were talking about was about me trying to establish said boundaries and not particularly succeeding. So far I have successfully established one boundary, which is that I will not be around him when he is using, high, or coming down. In this scenario I will immediately remove myself. I know that setting a boundary is meaningless if it is not supported by action, which is why I have not said that I would leave the relationship if he used again...I am not prepared to enforce such an action.

My gut is saying that this is probably not his bottom because so far he has not backed his words with the action of seeking any kind of help, but I am watching objectively at this point to see what happens from here. I know watching won't change anything, but that's the point...I don't want to change anything. I want to neutrally observe right now. Maybe it would help if I set a predetermined period of time in which I allow myself to be in this observational period. During this time I will keep a written record of my experiences, thoughts, and feelings and then assess from there. Any thoughts on this idea?

I almost feel stupid for posting here over and over again, but this (observational phase) is just where I am in my journey and it really does help me to write here. I have one boundary established and am working toward creating the next one which works for me.

dollydo

Your journey is yours to travel, and only yours. I cannot walk in your shoes, and I truely hope that you find your way out of this maze that you are trapped in.

Keep posting, you may not accept what we have to say, however, we have your best interest at heart.

Freedom1990

So you said you were suspicious and then he admits he's been using. I'm confused on how the above boundary works if he's loaded or coming down in front of you, or am I misinterpreting the situation?

eaglette

He was not high or coming down when he was talking to me. I stayed away from him when he was high and coming down. This was a few days later--He said he realized that he has been screwing things up and that he needs to fix them and then opened up to me about what has been going on.

If he had been high I would have refused to talk to him.

outtolunch

It does not sound as though either of you have reached your respective bottoms, yet. He with drugs and you with him. And that's OK, too.

artist83

I am going through a very similar situation right now, so I completely understand how confusing this must be for you. You try to let things take their course without influencing him, see what happens rather than jump in and try to save/change him, and that is one of the hardest things to do (if you are anything like me). It's so frustrating, it hurts, it makes you worry until all you can do is worry. And then out of the blue, he wants to confess??? Same thing just happened to me and my boyfriend, and here I am wondering why he is finally coming to me, rather than me trying to catch him in the act or interrogating him until he finally cracks?

Maybe your boyfriend (and mine) sees that you are emotionally withdrawing yourself from the situation and he is concerned. When I was yelling and crying, my bf didn't seem to care very much, but now that I'm not nagging him or trying to help, he seems to be bothered. Maybe his guilt for using has been eating at him? Maybe he is scared that you are giving up (and I know that you aren't), maybe if he thinks that you have finally had enough, and maybe he is finally realizing that he needs to change if he wants you to remain a part of his life?

Try not to stress over this change in his behavior. I admire your strength in this situation. It is sooooooo hard for me to stay strong and let things happen naturally, but seeing that you are staying strong and keeping your boundaries in place makes me hopeful that I will one day be able to accomplish the same things.

Thanks for sharing, and I hope that things work out for you. Don't let this bring you down.

newnormal4me

Just speaking from my own experiences here, my observational period only resulted in my AH falling deeper and deeper into his addiction. Unless a person is willing to admit they are powerless over drugs and willing to take the hard steps to fix the situation (i.e. rehab/recovery), most likely they will just get worse and worse. Mine did and I never would have dreamed how bad it eventually got.

I'm not judging you, goodness, I was there myself for far too long. But the progression will not stop until they do something. And then, our progression just gets worse too. I hope you find your way sooner than I did.

NotSoSmart

I went to a therapist once b/c I couldn't understand why I wasn't just breaking up with this person who lied to me again and again... why was I taking it? I had set the "one more time and its over" limit and watched as it was walked over and I did nothing.

She said... "maybe you're not sick and tired of being sick and tired yet". That made a lot of sense to me, hopefully it helps in your situation too.