LiveLaughLove14

Is there a possibility that my recovering bf is being too selfush in his recovery? Our relationship seems to be getting worse since he started working the steps. Physically and mentally i feel disconnected...im worried its my turn to be selfish and move on.

dollydo

In recovery one must be just as selfish as they were in the throws of addiction...the only difference is that they are doing something positive for themselves.

Have you gone to Alanon or Naranon meetings? if not, I would strongly urge you to do so.

LifeRecovery

I cannot speak from addiction to substances/alcohol but I am in long-term recovery from and Eating Disorder. I did not have my A get into recovery so I am just speaking from my own personal experience.

It had to be the most important thing in my life for a number of years. I did individual counseling (sometimes twice weekly), group counseling weekly, other professional support weekly at times. I had to drive 1hr one way for most of my appts. I would have emotional hangovers sometimes from the emotions that I was stirring up. I had used my addiction to not feel from 20+ years and when I started to feel it was exhausting, emotional, overwhelming and great....all at the same time.

It was hard to be connected during that time for me. I was spacy, internally oriented and not very connected to myself so creating that connection with someone else was hard.

On a positive note. I think I am a good friend and have the potential to be a good person to be in relationship with now. I just had a lot to work out first.

I vote that you can always take care of you...you will never be wrong in that scenario.

Kindeyes

Personally, my recovery is more important to me than anything else. Period. Is that selfish? Perhaps......but without the work I do on myself, I might be dead.....and then I'm no good to anyone.

If you make him feel guilty for spending time on his recovery....even subconsciously....it may backfire......just something to think about.

More food for thought..........when the addict gets clean, the dynamic changes and it is uncomfortable for everyone around them. The disfunction is stopping and it feels unnatural. In my case, I am in recovery (codependency) and my AS is not. It is EXTREMELY uncomfortable for him and he does things to specifically knock me off track. I'm not doing the things I did for years-the things he expects me to do. I'm not continuing to cycle within the dysfunction of the relationship. He often escalates his behaviors in order to try to get me back into the cycle.

While he is spending time reclaiming his life, perhaps it's a great time for you to reclaim yours as well!

gentle hugs
ke

TD252

I am going through something similar. My wife is out of rehab and still has to spend a lot of time with her recovery. She has completely shut her self off. She will come home in the evening and actually shut the door to physically separate herself from me. We go days without speaking. We are basically roommates that do not communicate. The whole situation is quite confusing to our son as he cannot spend time with both of us together. When her mother came to visit, they closed themselves up in a room to watch tv.

Personally, I'm tired of hearing about how she needs her time. Selfishness got her into this mess and I don't see how more selfishness will get her out. According to her counselor, I am supposed to wait it out while she decides what she wants to do with her life.

Before anyone makes the recommendation, I attend Al-Anon every week.