"Something is wrong with me" he said.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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"Something is wrong with me" he said.
So after hiding in bed most of the day (he went to work for a few hours), downing his new pills (butalbital) in scary numbers since he picked them up the other day, my husband says to me last night he might want to talk to me tomorrow. I just said "OK."
This morning he says to me "Something is wrong with me. I am so depressed and just can't shake it." I could see fear in his eyes, so I took it to mean he couldn't bring himself to say he was suicidal. I wasn't really sure how to respond. Of course my insides were hurting for him beyond belief, but I'm sure he thought I was cold and uncaring (not true). I told him I wasn't a professional and if he wasn't sure what to do he needed to seek help from someone with experience in these things. I told him I would take him to the ER if he wanted. He said no to that. He later said he just feels like dying, but could never commit suicide. We didn't discuss drug use, addiction or it's role in his current state of mind.
Shortly after this I handed him the date and address for a meeting. He asked what it was and I told him. I could see him cringing. He's been to NA and AA before. This meeting is with SMART. I had run across it on this site the other night and looked up meetings just in case he asked or reached out for help. We hadn't (and still haven't) talked at all about the new medication - I think he thought/thinks I wasn't aware he was taking it. Anyway... he seemed to respond positively to the idea of going to this meeting - YAY!
He is still dealing with devastating depression and just laying in bed all day. It's not so bad for me - no anger, strange behavior, abuse or really anything to deal with. It's more like I'm just a single mom (I'll consider it practice just in case!)
I brought up the indication of a relapse a few weeks ago, and haven't pestered him about it. I'm pretty proud of myself for going about my regular day and living life without obsessing over it (worry and concern for him - yes, obsess - no). I'm proud that I kept my sanity and have actually been emotionally fine and dandy so far. The kids and I spent the day out together and had a great time! I'm proud of my patience and not trying to shove what I thought was a good course of action down his throat (which was "get help now or else!"). I'm glad he's showing interest in reaching out for help. I'm not going to hold my breath - I didn't ask for promises and he didn't offer. If he doesn't go I will be disappointed and sad for him, but that's his decision.
This morning he says to me "Something is wrong with me. I am so depressed and just can't shake it." I could see fear in his eyes, so I took it to mean he couldn't bring himself to say he was suicidal. I wasn't really sure how to respond. Of course my insides were hurting for him beyond belief, but I'm sure he thought I was cold and uncaring (not true). I told him I wasn't a professional and if he wasn't sure what to do he needed to seek help from someone with experience in these things. I told him I would take him to the ER if he wanted. He said no to that. He later said he just feels like dying, but could never commit suicide. We didn't discuss drug use, addiction or it's role in his current state of mind.
Shortly after this I handed him the date and address for a meeting. He asked what it was and I told him. I could see him cringing. He's been to NA and AA before. This meeting is with SMART. I had run across it on this site the other night and looked up meetings just in case he asked or reached out for help. We hadn't (and still haven't) talked at all about the new medication - I think he thought/thinks I wasn't aware he was taking it. Anyway... he seemed to respond positively to the idea of going to this meeting - YAY!
He is still dealing with devastating depression and just laying in bed all day. It's not so bad for me - no anger, strange behavior, abuse or really anything to deal with. It's more like I'm just a single mom (I'll consider it practice just in case!)
I brought up the indication of a relapse a few weeks ago, and haven't pestered him about it. I'm pretty proud of myself for going about my regular day and living life without obsessing over it (worry and concern for him - yes, obsess - no). I'm proud that I kept my sanity and have actually been emotionally fine and dandy so far. The kids and I spent the day out together and had a great time! I'm proud of my patience and not trying to shove what I thought was a good course of action down his throat (which was "get help now or else!"). I'm glad he's showing interest in reaching out for help. I'm not going to hold my breath - I didn't ask for promises and he didn't offer. If he doesn't go I will be disappointed and sad for him, but that's his decision.
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Originally Posted by cogito 
I'm pretty proud of myself for going about my regular day and living life without obsessing over it (worry and concern for him - yes, obsess - no). I'm proud that I kept my sanity and have actually been emotionally fine and dandy so far.
I'm not going to hold my breath - I didn't ask for promises and he didn't offer. If he doesn't go I will be disappointed and sad for him, but that's his decision.
I'm not going to hold my breath - I didn't ask for promises and he didn't offer. If he doesn't go I will be disappointed and sad for him, but that's his decision.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I hope he goes to a SMART meeting. I'm a recovering addict and also a recovering adult child of an addict, so I've been on both sides of the fence. I have had my struggles with AA and NA and found that they were not helpful to me, but the secular view of SMART was awesome, I got just what I needed. Tools and support. No "God" or HP talk. Maybe he'll like it better.
As for you, you're doing great! I hope things turn around for you and him.
As for you, you're doing great! I hope things turn around for you and him.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Thanks for the encouragement! And while I'm busy patting myself on the back for all of that.. I'm still having trouble deciding what the consequences (if any) might be if he doesn't go to the meeting. It feels like a natural boundary to me - he must go to the meeting. However, I can't think of a consequence that fulfills
1. In our (children and me) best interest
2. Something I'm willing to commit to completely
So if he doesn't go it's likely there will be no consequences (unless someone has any ideas). Right now, the impact of his addiction on us is minimal - ignorable even. So in the mean time I've committed myself to getting my ducks in a row for if/when the downward spiral turns into a danger for the rest of us. First and foremost in my mind is getting a job that will support us.
1. In our (children and me) best interest
2. Something I'm willing to commit to completely
So if he doesn't go it's likely there will be no consequences (unless someone has any ideas). Right now, the impact of his addiction on us is minimal - ignorable even. So in the mean time I've committed myself to getting my ducks in a row for if/when the downward spiral turns into a danger for the rest of us. First and foremost in my mind is getting a job that will support us.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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MissTara - I saw it mentioned as an alternative to NA/AA in the comments on a sticky somewhere on this site. I then looked it up on the web and read more about their program and philosophy on their site smartrecovery.org
They are secular, promote abstinence (but don't require it), focus on teaching life skills and coping mechanisms, avoid labeling people as 'addict', and really all of those resonated well with my husband. He is Christian (not a church goer) but it's a very personal thing for him and he tunes out anyone preaching to him about how his personal relationship with God should be. Also, I think the idea that he can never enjoy a beer or smoke a joint is one that keeps him from seeking help. As of right now I am willing to bet that he only wants to address the parts of addiction that he sees as having negative consequences. I'm okay with him feeling that way right now, as long as he seeks treatment, learns coping skills (he has none) and perhaps as he progresses and gets more empowered he will change his goals to include abstinence. But just going to a meeting is the first big step, and I'm not even certain that he will go.
They are secular, promote abstinence (but don't require it), focus on teaching life skills and coping mechanisms, avoid labeling people as 'addict', and really all of those resonated well with my husband. He is Christian (not a church goer) but it's a very personal thing for him and he tunes out anyone preaching to him about how his personal relationship with God should be. Also, I think the idea that he can never enjoy a beer or smoke a joint is one that keeps him from seeking help. As of right now I am willing to bet that he only wants to address the parts of addiction that he sees as having negative consequences. I'm okay with him feeling that way right now, as long as he seeks treatment, learns coping skills (he has none) and perhaps as he progresses and gets more empowered he will change his goals to include abstinence. But just going to a meeting is the first big step, and I'm not even certain that he will go.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
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Originally Posted by anvilhead
Something is wrong with me. I am so depressed and just can't shake it
anything in the barbital group severely affects mood and depression. that won't change until he stops taking them.
anything in the barbital group severely affects mood and depression. that won't change until he stops taking them.
There's also the possibility of acetaminophen poisoning if he's taking large doses of the pills.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 77
MissTara,
I have listened to the SMART Recovery podcasts. There're available on the SMART website and also free on iTunes. There's one podcast especially for family and friends, but I like the ones for addicts and alcoholics as well.
SMART is based on rational emotive behavior therapy, which says that how we feel and act is a result of how we think.
I have listened to the SMART Recovery podcasts. There're available on the SMART website and also free on iTunes. There's one podcast especially for family and friends, but I like the ones for addicts and alcoholics as well.
SMART is based on rational emotive behavior therapy, which says that how we feel and act is a result of how we think.
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
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Originally Posted by cogito
I'm still having trouble deciding what the consequences (if any) might be if he doesn't go to the meeting. It feels like a natural boundary to me - he must go to the meeting.
I think you are doing well, but let me say that I don't really believe that it's your job to "come up with" a consequence, as though he were an errant child. Consequences are usually a natural occurence, such as losing one's job or getting a DWI.
If it is a boundary violation - which you must define - then you do get to say what YOU will do in that case. Which is different from what happens to him in that case.
It is my firm belief that drug use will trump any depression treatment that he may enter into. One must arrest the addiction issues first, then tackle the depression. I think most folks agree with this; it just makes sense if you break it down and think about it.
Best to you, and please keep coming here.
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Join Date: Jul 2011
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Thanks guys for keeping me straight on the right path. When I say things like "he must go" and "consequences" I can see where that might not be the best way for me to think of it. Maybe I'm using the wrong wording, maybe the wrong thinking.. the feeling that "he must go" is a private one. I haven't set any ultimatum, rule or 'or else' type conditions around it. I gave him the info and a brief rundown of the info from their website. As far as actions go.. I haven't made any attempt to control his decision. Now as far as thinking goes.. I'm wrestling with the feeling that he has to go... My internal discussion with myself goes something like:
"Well, he has to go because living with an active addict that is not seeking help or working towards recovery is not acceptable to me"
"I could ask him to leave."
"Yeah, that is not worth the fight."
"I could take the kids and leave, but leaving is actually makes my life harder than his addiction does. If it's not in our best interest to leave, then don't do it."
"Well then what's the point in saying living with an active addict is not acceptable, if it clearly is?"
rinse.. repeat.
As for the medication he's abusing and the depression - the cause and effect is glaringly obvious to me. He chooses to ignore it I guess. This relapse started with migraines, the depression is 'new' to the use of this specific medication. He's been taking 4 pills at a time (dosage is 1).
Coffeedrinker: I firmly believe that if he addresses his addictions and gets clean, the depression will naturally resolve itself. He hasn't talked to me at all about his medication abuse. He has only talked about migraines and now depression. He didn't seem to think it was odd I gave him an address to an addiction recovery meeting though, so he has to have an inkling. Maybe just doesn't want to admit it. I have no idea.
"Well, he has to go because living with an active addict that is not seeking help or working towards recovery is not acceptable to me"
"I could ask him to leave."
"Yeah, that is not worth the fight."
"I could take the kids and leave, but leaving is actually makes my life harder than his addiction does. If it's not in our best interest to leave, then don't do it."
"Well then what's the point in saying living with an active addict is not acceptable, if it clearly is?"
rinse.. repeat.
As for the medication he's abusing and the depression - the cause and effect is glaringly obvious to me. He chooses to ignore it I guess. This relapse started with migraines, the depression is 'new' to the use of this specific medication. He's been taking 4 pills at a time (dosage is 1).
Coffeedrinker: I firmly believe that if he addresses his addictions and gets clean, the depression will naturally resolve itself. He hasn't talked to me at all about his medication abuse. He has only talked about migraines and now depression. He didn't seem to think it was odd I gave him an address to an addiction recovery meeting though, so he has to have an inkling. Maybe just doesn't want to admit it. I have no idea.
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