Communicating to my recovering addict Fiance
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Tampa, FL
Posts: 1
Communicating to my recovering addict Fiance
My fiance and I have been separated since February. He is currently in treatment for opiate addiction. He is very motivated to recover. Recently he has really started to act like himself again, but I'm at a loss on how to talk to him...how to rebuild our connection/intimacy after so much betrayal and hurt. He is super sensitive and takes everything very personally. He told me he feels like everyone thinks he is a piece of s*it and a screw up. I'm a very positive person and I always see the good in everyone. But when I try to tell him how proud i am of him, or try to cheer him up that only irritates him. I try to ask him how counseling and treatment is going, that irritates him. He doesn't want to constantly talk about his drug problems. I guess he wants to go back to having a normal life. But right now - he is stuck in limbo, and we have a 10 month old daughter and he is missing a lot. So what is my role here? I am learning about addiction, but I'm still pretty ignorant on the subject... I've never done drugs, and never known anyone close to me that ever did drug either, until now. So this is all brand new to me... any advice would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Sunny So Ca beach with a breeze
Posts: 75
I very Happy he is moving forward, that is a step in the right direction!
I wish I could be of more help, as I left my now sober AH and have ben divorced 4 years now. however, I still face this same question daily and is what has brought me back here!
You must remember first of all that while he may take his frustrations out on you they are not you!!
I wish I could be of more help, as I left my now sober AH and have ben divorced 4 years now. however, I still face this same question daily and is what has brought me back here!
You must remember first of all that while he may take his frustrations out on you they are not you!!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Californnia
Posts: 4
I don't yet have much advice, but want to join you in looking for encouragement. I am in a similar situation. my husband has recently gone to prison and upon getting "busted" came clean too me about his drug abuse, lying, and stealing.
I do not know if I will stay by his side, but I do relate with you with the difficulty communicating. He also does not want to talk his past abuse, but wants to talk (if about anything) about moving forward with "normal" life. I also feel in limbo because I want to be able to process the change happening in my loved one, and I need to do this verbally.
My husband also feels like a low life and that everyone thinks terrible of him. Post rehab, i do wonder how someone like him, or your fiance, will relate with friends and family and gain self confidence while knowing that most people are aware of their addiction.
I have also been very hurt by the betrayal and want to talk about it. I feel as if I need to hear him apologise for specific lies events.
Your hope is great since your fiance voluntarily went to rehab. The choice for change was his and I am so glad he chose to recover.
So far, the things that have helped me is 1)attending al-anon meetings 2)attending Celebrate Recovery meetings 3)joining a step study 4) journaling.
All the things I have joined have been to help me recognise my role in enabling and to heal myself so that I can be mentally, spiritualy, and emotionally healthy no matter how my husband responds to his illness.
I also have no experience with addiction and drugs. Forums like this have been helpful. I hope that many people read and respond to this so that both of us can be encouraged.
I do not know if I will stay by his side, but I do relate with you with the difficulty communicating. He also does not want to talk his past abuse, but wants to talk (if about anything) about moving forward with "normal" life. I also feel in limbo because I want to be able to process the change happening in my loved one, and I need to do this verbally.
My husband also feels like a low life and that everyone thinks terrible of him. Post rehab, i do wonder how someone like him, or your fiance, will relate with friends and family and gain self confidence while knowing that most people are aware of their addiction.
I have also been very hurt by the betrayal and want to talk about it. I feel as if I need to hear him apologise for specific lies events.
Your hope is great since your fiance voluntarily went to rehab. The choice for change was his and I am so glad he chose to recover.
So far, the things that have helped me is 1)attending al-anon meetings 2)attending Celebrate Recovery meetings 3)joining a step study 4) journaling.
All the things I have joined have been to help me recognise my role in enabling and to heal myself so that I can be mentally, spiritualy, and emotionally healthy no matter how my husband responds to his illness.
I also have no experience with addiction and drugs. Forums like this have been helpful. I hope that many people read and respond to this so that both of us can be encouraged.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Patience, patience and more patience. He is sick, he is probably depressed and is just beginning to learn how to live in a sober world. This is all a challenge for him.
My suggestion, talk in generalities, not specifics. What happened during your day, what your child did, a book your reading, a show you saw and so forth. Keep it light, don't try and analyze his past or present behavior.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, and work on you, try and get to some meetings.
My suggestion, talk in generalities, not specifics. What happened during your day, what your child did, a book your reading, a show you saw and so forth. Keep it light, don't try and analyze his past or present behavior.
Keep posting, keep reading others posts, and work on you, try and get to some meetings.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
it really helped me to go to Naranon and be able to talk about those sort of feelings with people that were dealing with the same thing. My Naranon meeting was smaller than my Alanon meetings and I was able to talk more about specifics - which were what I needed at that time. SR is a great resource and it has helped me so much over the last 6 years - I can come here any time of the day or night and be around people in recovery.
One thing that helped me to cope was to realize that I couldn't do it for my husband....he had to find his own way through his issues and his shame. No matter what you tell a person, unless they feel it from the inside out it won't matter what you say or do. Recovery is an inside job....
Years ago a relapse counselor told my husband and I that the only way that our relationship had a chance of working was if we BOTH worked a strong recovery program. My husband never dug in and worked a recovery program and guess what? I moved out of our house last week. I just couldn't do it anymore. The good news is that if you work a strong recovery of your own you will be "okay" no matter what the addict in your life does or doesn't do. Knowing that gave me a sense of control over my own life.
Hugs....
One thing that helped me to cope was to realize that I couldn't do it for my husband....he had to find his own way through his issues and his shame. No matter what you tell a person, unless they feel it from the inside out it won't matter what you say or do. Recovery is an inside job....
Years ago a relapse counselor told my husband and I that the only way that our relationship had a chance of working was if we BOTH worked a strong recovery program. My husband never dug in and worked a recovery program and guess what? I moved out of our house last week. I just couldn't do it anymore. The good news is that if you work a strong recovery of your own you will be "okay" no matter what the addict in your life does or doesn't do. Knowing that gave me a sense of control over my own life.
Hugs....
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: southeast
Posts: 111
I agree with cynical one, that his treatment is personal and his own business. And yet with my own husband that is so hard. It is something I try to give to him but it is a struggle.
I am a completely open person. If I think it, want to do it, have screwed up, am mad, I will tell anyone. I am not proud of it, but I am an open book. It is what it is. If I can't tell anyone about it, I shouldn't be doing it.
My husband came from a secretive, addicted family. He is used to secrets. I am from the opposite. A very open family.
It is so hard not to be part of a recovery that effects every part of your life as a spouse, business partner, & mother of their four children. Being married it effects us legally, emotionally, our children, etc...
It's hard not to question....
I am a completely open person. If I think it, want to do it, have screwed up, am mad, I will tell anyone. I am not proud of it, but I am an open book. It is what it is. If I can't tell anyone about it, I shouldn't be doing it.
My husband came from a secretive, addicted family. He is used to secrets. I am from the opposite. A very open family.
It is so hard not to be part of a recovery that effects every part of your life as a spouse, business partner, & mother of their four children. Being married it effects us legally, emotionally, our children, etc...
It's hard not to question....
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
walkon eggshells,
First of all, Welcome. this is a terrific board - please stick around.
If he is in treatment, is there a recovery group for you - the "co" - as well?
Is there a group in which you both attend?
Have you discussed couples therapy?
He is filled with shame. It's not you, it's him, inside of him. Perhaps he experiences your "cheering" as somehow being condescending? Perhaps it's simply a reminder to him.
The best thing you can do is build your own life, and that of your child, independent of what he's going through.
Joining Al-anon or Nar-anon should help.
First of all, Welcome. this is a terrific board - please stick around.
If he is in treatment, is there a recovery group for you - the "co" - as well?
Is there a group in which you both attend?
Have you discussed couples therapy?
He is filled with shame. It's not you, it's him, inside of him. Perhaps he experiences your "cheering" as somehow being condescending? Perhaps it's simply a reminder to him.
The best thing you can do is build your own life, and that of your child, independent of what he's going through.
Joining Al-anon or Nar-anon should help.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Posts: 1,691
I've been thinking some more about your situation. I know that when I was in your shoes I was so confused - and apprehensive. I was getting eaten up by worry and concern and I began to realize how sick I was.....I realized that being involved in the situation was taking a toll on me and that I needed to work on myself. I made a commitment to myself that the only way that I would allow myself to take a front row seat to my husband's recovery was to 100% work on me and my recovery.
Working on me kept my mind off of him. It allowed me to have resources (other members in Alanon and Naraon) to call when I was confused or unsure of what to say or do. It allowed me to find relationships that fulfilled many of my needs for closeness when my husband was unavailable.
A number of counselors told both of us that his only concern for the 1st year of sobriety was for him to work on him - not us. I knew that staying with him meant that our relationship recovery needed to be on hold for one year. I spent the year getting my own counseling and it really helped to focus on me. We did begin couples counseling after he had a year - and I'm glad that we waited.
Early sobriety was a tough time but hanging close to SR, meetings, counseling, a sponsor, working the steps all helped to change me. I settled and began to let go of my worries and anxiety. It truly was a miracle.
I knew that I wanted to come out the other side of this experience emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically in tact. I knew that I was taking a HUGE risk and didn't want to end up with horrible regrets a year or two on down the line if he relapsed and things didn't work out.
All I can say now is that my own recovery was worth every second that I put into it. I have children and yes - I had to figure child care out to get to meetings. I made sure that I eliminated all of my excuses that get me from working on me. I got that this was not only a life and death thing for him but also for me.
It's a tough tough road to stand by someone as they recover. Just by the nature of what they are having to do it is a very selfish time in their lives. BUT...it has to be that way because they are in a fight for their life. Just don't forget that you are in a fight for your life too. Even though this is a selfish time it is still important to be treated with kindness, compassion, and consideration.
Hope that you are doing okay and will continue to come back here again and again and again!
Working on me kept my mind off of him. It allowed me to have resources (other members in Alanon and Naraon) to call when I was confused or unsure of what to say or do. It allowed me to find relationships that fulfilled many of my needs for closeness when my husband was unavailable.
A number of counselors told both of us that his only concern for the 1st year of sobriety was for him to work on him - not us. I knew that staying with him meant that our relationship recovery needed to be on hold for one year. I spent the year getting my own counseling and it really helped to focus on me. We did begin couples counseling after he had a year - and I'm glad that we waited.
Early sobriety was a tough time but hanging close to SR, meetings, counseling, a sponsor, working the steps all helped to change me. I settled and began to let go of my worries and anxiety. It truly was a miracle.
I knew that I wanted to come out the other side of this experience emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically in tact. I knew that I was taking a HUGE risk and didn't want to end up with horrible regrets a year or two on down the line if he relapsed and things didn't work out.
All I can say now is that my own recovery was worth every second that I put into it. I have children and yes - I had to figure child care out to get to meetings. I made sure that I eliminated all of my excuses that get me from working on me. I got that this was not only a life and death thing for him but also for me.
It's a tough tough road to stand by someone as they recover. Just by the nature of what they are having to do it is a very selfish time in their lives. BUT...it has to be that way because they are in a fight for their life. Just don't forget that you are in a fight for your life too. Even though this is a selfish time it is still important to be treated with kindness, compassion, and consideration.
Hope that you are doing okay and will continue to come back here again and again and again!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Sometimes we all just need to have someone who will listen.....without comment.
Sometimes we all just need to have someone who we feel understands us.....without agreeing or disagreeing with us.
Sometimes we all just need to know that someone has faith in us....without trying to "do it" for us.
Sometimes we just need to work through our own problems.....and know that someone still loves us.
gentle hugs
ke
Sometimes we all just need to have someone who we feel understands us.....without agreeing or disagreeing with us.
Sometimes we all just need to know that someone has faith in us....without trying to "do it" for us.
Sometimes we just need to work through our own problems.....and know that someone still loves us.
gentle hugs
ke
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
Sadly it is going to take time for him to begin to reach out to others. All that internal work has to be taken care of and we are talking about many years of built up internal work for them to focus on.
I know it is hard, esp if you are only a gf or fiance. We often get pushed aside pretty quickly no matter how supportive or healthy we are. It feels crummy. I know!
But you know what? let him sort through his stuff first. The relationship will have to be in suspension and it hurts but that is why it is so crucial for you to make yourself the focus until he is in a place to talk about the relationship.
It is easy to think that we are the problem but the problem is him sticking with recovery. It isn't about you right now. So you go out and make it about YOU the best way you can
Once he has solid recovery ground then you can reassess but honestly, I stepped away for my own emotional protection. To heal and remind myself that I am worth more than someone who cannot give back right now. It isn't that they don't want to, or won't ever but it simply cannot be on their radar to meet the emotional needs of someone, even someone they do love.
I know it is hard, esp if you are only a gf or fiance. We often get pushed aside pretty quickly no matter how supportive or healthy we are. It feels crummy. I know!
But you know what? let him sort through his stuff first. The relationship will have to be in suspension and it hurts but that is why it is so crucial for you to make yourself the focus until he is in a place to talk about the relationship.
It is easy to think that we are the problem but the problem is him sticking with recovery. It isn't about you right now. So you go out and make it about YOU the best way you can
Once he has solid recovery ground then you can reassess but honestly, I stepped away for my own emotional protection. To heal and remind myself that I am worth more than someone who cannot give back right now. It isn't that they don't want to, or won't ever but it simply cannot be on their radar to meet the emotional needs of someone, even someone they do love.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 273
Originally Posted by WalknOnEgshells 
But right now - he is stuck in limbo, and we have a 10 month old daughter and he is missing a lot. So what is my role here? . .
TO PUT YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER FIRST. Take care of yourself and take care of her.
I don't know exactly what that may mean to you.
I know that I am in a point in my own recovery where I do not believe I could wait around for an addict in my life to get sober and clean themselves up.
Not because I don't (or wouldn't) love that person but because I love myself and my children more.
I want a partner with their life together enough that they can be an equal partner in the relationship.
It has been my experience that people who are working seriously on their early recovery, are not capable of being there for me the way I want and need.
I say that with out criticism or judgement.
They need to focus on themselves in a way that does not leave room for what I want out of a relationship.
You do not have to be stuck in his limbo. You and your daughter can move forward on the life path that is correct for both of you and your fiancee may or may not join you one day. His path is his own to travel.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 774
again i find a thread at just the right time. in a way i am in the same boat. i stood by my gf for the part year through everything and now that she is away, i am noticing her contact lessening. i am trying to give her space, but there feels like there is this big hole there and i am not sure what it means.
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