lightseeker

got that ookey/achey feeling today. I know that recovery has so helped me with this and at least I know what to do....I think that I am tired, overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, angry, fearful from dealing with the last week and getting WAY ahead of myself and dealing with the years ahead...so heading to a noon meeting.

Husband is down on his knees pleading/begging/daily AA meetings/counseling. All that makes it more difficult but I know the deal with him. He has had so many chances. It's just sad. I feel like I've been down this road before. The father of my children didn't "get it" until I finally left him. He kept saying "this time I really mean it" and he really did. But I know that it took losing everything for that to happen. I guess that it is the same way for this husband. Who knows though if he really will do the deal. It's just so sad.

I'm working on detaching and taking care of myself - although it is a struggle today. Boys not doing well with the move right now...house full of roaches and varmit smells. I'm dealing with it all though and I know to keep doing it one step at a time.

Kindeyes

Lots of gentle hugs for you today.
ke

Chino

and more hugs

lightseeker

thanks ya'll. My meeting was really helpful. It was one I had not been to before but it was a good one. The topic was feelings and I just listened. I became aware of how angry I am about the whole thing.....having to leave my house, getting involved with him, the amount of time that I spent with him, the impact on my sons, etc.

I've never been as appreciative of the time that I have spent in recovery as I was today. I really had the ookiest of feelings and immediately I recognized what I needed to do - head thee to a meeting. We are so fortunate that we have this sort of life line. What a comfort. And what an opportunity to get a mood "readjustment".

Today has made me realize how many ups and downs there are to this process. Once I went to my meeting I felt like my head got screwed back on right. Really, how does the miracle of this program work????? I don't know but I just am really really glad that it does.

The lawyer notified my husband today that she is representing me. He is realizing that his convoluted sense of justice regarding our (actually MY) home is not the law of the land and he has turned cool/angry/aloof once again. Have to admit that that is a whole lot easier to deal with than when he is saying "I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to get you back and have you realize I have changed". I have a hunch that he was playing me....he is not in a very good legal position and I think that he got some legal advice through his ex-wife (yes....the one whose sister he had an affair with.....go figure) that said to play up to me in the hopes of getting placed on the deed of the house. He was doing some fancy footwork around the legal aspects of the house and I finally saw through what he was doing.

I am feeling more and more done with him and know that I will never be able to fully trust him. I wish him well but I don't want to be with him. How can I have so many different feelings and reactions? Upset and sad this morning but then "done" this evening? It just takes time.

I am on the last room of my painting rampage, the exterminators are coming tomorrow to address the "roach hotel", and we are starting to get a little bit settled in...It sure is one day at a time...

One thing I tell the familieis of my patients in the ICU is to measure progress in terms of a week instead of day to day. I think that I can apply that here. Last week I had been crying all day and had just moved.....big difference in just one week although earlier today I wasn't seeing it.

Thanks ya'll for being here and all of the hugs, thoughts, and prayers.

Ann

More hugs to you for braving this out and taking this new journey to new beginnings.

You will be okay, really you will. And until you can feel it we're all walking with you.

Now hand me that roach spray and stand back.

Big hugs for a brave lady.

lightseeker

Ann,

You made me break out in a great big grin. Those roaches won't know what is coming at them when you get the SR gang together!Take that you creepy crawler!

I definitely feel the SR support gang....it really really really helps. You all have been a life line for me through ALL of this. I so hoped for the best with my marriage but sometimes it is just not meant to be - no matter how hard you try.

Now it is time to really lean into recovery and find my new path. It was interesting to be at my meeting today and realize that the only reason/only person that I was there for was me and the program. NOT because of trying to live with an addict, or an alcoholic, or a dry one of those. It felt pretty empowering to know that it was where I belonged - not because of another person but because it is a healthy place for me. It's just a great program for living.

Thanks again!

outonalimb

Big old hugs to you this morning...

Sounds to me like you're doing great. If leaving was easy, I believe almost every one would do it. It's not easy. But you're on a better path for yourself...you're living in the truth and not some fantasy world...so really, it's all good even if it does hurt along the way.

Maybe its time to go no contact. The quacking and manipulation can drag down even the greatest recovery program. Keep the focus on YOU...

Hang tough...
After what you've been thru, those cockroaches don't stand a chance.
They obviously don't know who they're dealing with.

dollydo

You are really growing in your recovery. Be proud of yourself, you deserve an Atta Girl!

Meetings were a lifesaver for me, after the first one, I was hooked!

Left, right, left, right keep moving forward, you can and will do this!

lightseeker

Outonalimb,

You are right about the "no contact". I was able to identify what was making this harder for me and it was the continued contact. It reminds me of how difficult it is to keep from looking at a wreck - you know it will upset you but you still look.

Except that now I am at the N.C. point. I value my serenity and realize that is the only way to get it. He is scrambling and angry...not a good combo. The lawyer has already caught him in a red hot lie. All of his "I'll do whatever it takes, even if it takes a year, I just want to be with you" were not on the up and up.

After painting my entire home in a week I've recognized that old tendency to get so busy that I can't feel. BUT...it has been productive and now I can really move in. The boys are with their dad this weekend and I am going to do some self care now.

Dolly - thanks for the support and atta girl. Comments from my friends at SR are my lifeline and I'm glad that I finally had the courage to do it. One of the things that I realized that worked very well for me was to have my plan ironed completely out so that when the time came it would all fall into place. I think that that has helped a whole lot.

Worn out and getting ready to put my feet up and wait on the roach killer. Wow! Simple pleasures!

barblsn

Its both funny and scary that the addicts all say the same things. They use the same lies when they are using, and the same lies when they want to come home. My husband is currently in jail and was calling, begging me not to divorce him, give him another, chance, THIS TIME he means it. Thankfully I can block calls from the prison. I am done.

lightseeker

I think that no contact and blocking calls is a calmer way for me to deal with this. I get sad when I hear him sad and remorseful and then I feel anger/resentment when he is angry/abusive. No win situation. I am sad but know that I didn't cause it, can't cure it, and can't control it. Recovery is an inside job and I'm just going to concentrate on me.