sebby1234

My divorce and separation is now under way. I am somewhat surprised as how cooperative my AW has been. She is having her emotionally bad days but overall, we have agreed on most of the terms of the separation.

I myself have been really emotionally calm. Probably due to the fact that I feel like a weight has been lifted and also due to the fact that I have been working myself up to the divorce for a long time now.

Actually, what is most overwhelming at the moment is the actual divorve filing. Since we want to maximize the money left and the fact we are agreeing to an uncontested divorce, we are doing the divorce the DIY way. I have used a paper preperation service and have the preliminary paperwork (some corrections need to be done). The amount of paperwork isn't actually that bad, it's more the whole filing procedure and the going back and forth.

Of course, this is all made more complicated by the fact that my soon to be EX-AW is moving back with her mother, ~400 miles away. I mean if it's uncontested can't we just both sign and submit everything in one shot?!?

But in the end, I am looking forward to the new freedom in ~10 days, just not having this emotional burden in my life anymore. But will be busy over the next month as I pack both our things (so I can send her hers and move to my new appt.) and clean the mess that was left behind.

Kindeyes

Sebby
This brings new meaning to "today is the first day of the rest of your life", doesn't it? You and your wife will be in my prayers as you each make new beginnings.

gentle hugs
ke

sebby1234

Yes indeed! I never thought it would be such a relief. The fact she is cooperating instead of fighting it sure helps.

Thanks for the kind thoughts.
*hugs back*

lightseeker

Sebby,

I am in the process of untangling from my husband and it almost feels surreal. There is a sense of peace that I have not having to deal with the chaos and drama. Is that what you are feeling?

I'm glad that your wife is going along with the process. No matter how smoothly it goes it's still a difficult process. I know that you are feeling relieved to be able to move on with your life. Hopefully, the packing up process will be a breeze!

sebby1234

It is just weird. Today, she is just being an emotional wreck. Asking all sorts of questions about if I had an affair and such, that not all the blame is on her (fair enough) and almost as if she is trying to convince me to change my mind. But then again yesterday, we watched a movie, cooked dinner together and she told me which of the kitchen things she would like to have.

It's like she swings from one end of the spectrum to another. Maybe she is struggling internally between denial, acceptance and anger.

Right now, she borrowed the car to go "cool off" at the park. Not too worried since prescription pills is her thing other than the fact I am a little annoyed as I was about to run out and run some errands.

I mean, I have signed a lease on a new place, notified the current landlord about our move, have set up most of the utilities and have most of the divorce related paperwork prepped at this point. Something I have been pondering for quite a while. Of course, it hit her by surprise but it's not an impulse decision like she would like to make me believe it is...

sebby1234

I have to say, these "conversations" she has with me every other day in an attempt to change my mind have become more and more irritating. I keep telling her that it's unlikely anything she can say or do at this point will make a difference and that I will think about it, yet she keeps trying.

At least she is supposed to move out in one week. Hope she sticks to her plan as I can't take much more of this. I'm going to change, things will be different this time. Sheesh, like I havn't heard that one before!

lightseeker

Sebby,

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this another week. That last week that I was in our home was grueling. I was really worn down but am glad that I stuck to my commitment. It still continues after you leave but at least it is not as up close and personal.

I know that my emotions have been all over the place and know that my husbands probably flucuate as well. I don't expect things to have evened out for a little while...but you are taking the steps that you need to take for things to get better. The way that I look at it - maybe they WILL get better but I don't need to be there while they "try" and have my serenity and happiness destroyed.

Thinking about you.

sebby1234

Thanks.

On my end, I have been mentally preparing for this for a while so in a way I am a little emotionally numb. But sleep has been an issue over the past few weeks and am really worn out today.

From the texts I got today, she seemed in a "happy" mood, looking forward to getting her car issues fixed. But I never know what to think or what to expect.

Actually leaving work right now, we shall see what the evening brings. Tomorrow should be interesting also since I will be car shopping with her.

sebby1234

Well, I finally decided to be a little bit codie and gave in a little to her. But at least in what I think is a decent compromise.

We will be separating and starting a legal separation process with a settlement agreement. In the meantime we will both move in our separate place and each focus on ourselfs, get our own lives together. ~6 months down the road we will reevaluate where we are at and decide from there whether or not to go the extra step and complete the divorce.

I think it is fair, gives me a chance to focus on myself without being trapped in the situation and can revisit the situation down the road with a clearer mind and decide if the relationship could work based on where she is at in her recovery and how I feel about her in general (resentment, trust, ...).

Also in the meantime, it makes her a little less emotional as hope is not cut off and gives her a reason to focus on recovery and allows me to get ready for the move without her constant begging for a second chance.

Decent compromise or codie cave in? Not sure but it does seem like a fair compromise in the end.

Chino

If you made that decision in good conscience and feel good about it, then I say it's a decent compromise. If you feel you compromised your well being for her, even one tiny bit, then it's codie.

Personally, I think you're doing an amazing job. You seem to be using a critical thought process

sebby1234

I thought it was a fair compromise and I still had a way out if I felt there were no chance for us to reconcile.

Of course, I don't know where we stand now. She saw some facebook posts I made related to our situation and now she is having a fit. Ok, was not a good idea on my part to air our differences over a public forum, so it is only fair that I pay the price now. But I guess this puts the whole trial separation thing in question.

Right now she just slams every door she can and just keeps her distance from me. Guess we will see.

lightseeker

Sebby,

It sounds like you have made a comprise that honors both of your needs. Maybe having a date 6 months from now will give you the information that you need to make a healthy and good decision for you and for her.

I think that FB can be a great forum but it also allows to put information out there that can come back to haunt us and can hurt other people. I'm not asking this in a harsh way but was there a part of you that wanted her to read what you wrote?

I know that there has been so much upheaval and change in my life over the last few weeks that it is difficult for me to watch all of my motives. I can be really great at hiding things from myself.

Hope that things are going well for you this weekend. Sending you good thoughts.

sebby1234

LightSeeker, probably at least on some subconscious level. Maybe things I wanted to tell her but never dared to. But that passive aggressive approach was just not worth it.

lightseeker

Sebby,

the only reason that I asked because I have done the same sort of thing. And I've had it done to me.

It is stressful to go through what you are going through - I'm going through the same thing so I definitely know!

Sending you warm thoughts! Donna

Cyranoak

It may be a decent compromise but let me just add this: If you already know you don't want to continue your life with this woman it isn't a compromise-- it's avoidance, cruel, and unnecessary.

If, on the other hand, you truly believe there is hope for the marriage and you actually want to spend your life with this woman rather than being independent or with a non-alcoholic woman then so be it.

Good luck,

Cyranoak

sebby1234

I have to say I am not sure. I think I am 90% done and there would need to be DRAMATIC changes on her end once she has to take care of things on her own.

Right now, I know for a fact I don't want to live like this anymore but probably hold on to a little hope that things could be the way they were when we met and before she was a full blown addict.

But realistically, I have very little expectations as any efforts she has made in the past were half-assed.