nothing2011

I have not formally introduced myself so here it goes my name is Angela and I am married to a A& A. We have been together five years and since day one he has been a addict & alcoholic, however it was hide from me. I did not find out until way later in the relationship and I was disheartned. I have been with him through rehab numerous times and jail numerous times. I have put up with and enabled him over the years and did not realize it. We have fought constantly verbally and physcially over his use. I refuse to go through this anymore nor put my kids through this anymore. I have recently put him in jail for domestic he got out and that charge is pending. He had a court for violation of probation in another county and it got rescheduled on the day it was rescheduled he attempted suicide( hints google K2 facts.com) he was on this along with all the other things. I had my locks changed took him back when he got out of mental hospital but did not give him a key. He had another court date for a state violation of probation and they rescheduled it. He had a failure to appear on the county violation of probation and on the 19th he went missing and I told him I was DONE......... He turned himself in and did 5 days now he is awaiting the other court date and I picked him up from jail on Mother's Day and he was wonderful so I let him stay all week he did great come the weekend here we go. The old person leaves at 10:00 gets back at 1:00a and tells me nothing is wrong when it's obvious he's active addiction. Made him get all of his belongings and leave. His brother calls me threatning me and talking bad to me telling me to keep his name out of my mouth and I never said a word about him, so I said to him I don't have to argue with you either I don't care what he has told you GOODBYE and hung up. So now the weekend is over and he is sorry and sober with no money(lol). He has not paid a bill one since last summer maybe. I really do love him but I know I have to let go. How do you deal with knowing he is being sincere right now but at anytime the sincerity will go flying out the window and the adiction will take back over? I DO NOT want to go through this and I REFUSE to put my children through anymore stress that they cannot control. I CAN!!!!!!!! I need some help, it is so hard when you love someone and you know you have to let go and you know what is gonna happen and where he will end up 9 out of 10 times...

enodm

Mu hubby is an alocholic. He does not drink all the time, but goes on binges. I refer to it as: On the thrid day he rose again and ate humble pie.
Unforunatley you cant change him, the kids cant change him, only he can change himself. By going to Alanon I have learned to stop trying to control his actions and to stop enabling him. There are so many things I'd do, that I did not realize were enabling him until someone pointed it out. (slap in the face) I thought I was just a loving and caring person..
Just like mine, yours was "broken" before you came along and we cant make them change. You have to do what is best for you and your kids!!
xoxo

nothing2011

I don't have any local alanon meetings where I live. This is all I have, my ah is well known where we live no matter what he does so I can't talk to anyone locally and I don't have ANY support other than God and this site I wish I could do these steps everyone talks about. Do you know what they are and where I can learn how to do them?

nothing2011

I know what I have to do that is LEAVE. No matter what I do and how many times I have put him out I get the blame game which is why I finally called the police and had him arrested. I know it is not safe and when he's SOBER he would never hurt a hair on my head. I feel so safe when he's not active, however when he is active I stay with protection. He will even go so far as to come to my job if I don't answer his calls, and I am a Manager and work alone at my office. It gets pretty scary, and the fact that he is so well known doesn't help because even though they all know what he does he still has the upmost respect in our town(gang) and I feel like to keep the peace until he actually gets time that I need to deal with him just enough to get me by. I am soooooooooooooooooo confused

hello-kitty

Do you have somewhere you and your children can go? Maybe pick up the phone and call them...

nothing2011

No we don't. The house I have is all in my name he is gone and doesn't have a key BUT he will come and stand outside for 30 minutes or better sometimes. I make sure when I go to bed all doors and windows are locked like I will check them two or three times and when I come home from work I go in first and check everything. It's pitiful but it's what I do to feel safe.

Chino

Have you considered getting an order of protection? Since you filed DV charges against him it should be fairly simple to get one. If he violates it he goes back to jail.

suki44883

Get an order of protection against him so he cannot come onto your property or to your work. If he does, the CALL THE POLICE and have him arrested. You should not have to live in fear of this man. Get the police involved no matter how many times you have to.

Chino

'11, we share the same state and I'm rural. The closest meeting for me is 30 miles away and my therapist is 50 miles. Hell, the closest grocery store is 20 miles lol. I'm asking you to consider how far you're willing and able to go for support? I don't need you to answer me and it's not an accusation. It's a question I had to ask myself, when I was no longer able to handle things on my own.

There is a 12 step forum here, by the way; it's located just below this one

Friends and Family Step Study - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

carrswholesale

Call al-non now and someone will help you.

hello-kitty

Don't feel alone. It may help you feel better knowing that you are not the only one who has had to do this.

So if you "leave", what would that look like? (Having a plan or an idea of what you could do is always a helpful thing, even if you don't use it.)

And seriously, if he's sitting outside your house and you feel threatened you should call the police.

Bikerchick

Honey, I have been where you are right now (but not with kids). I know how it feels to love someone so much, but hate the person they have become. The fact is, you're not in love with the addict, you're in love with the idea of who you thought he was when you married him. But he never really was that person, so you fell in love with a lie. I too, know how that feels. But let me ask you something. If your house was on fire and your children were inside, what lengths would you go to to get them out? Would you fight your way through the crowd, kick people out of the way, risk your own life and run into the burning house? You're darn right you would, cause their your kids and you are wired to protect them!

Well guess what dear, your "house" is literally on fire. Your marriage is toxic, your situation is dangerous and your home is not safe. So you either have to get him out of there and don't let him back in or you and your kids need to leave. First thing you need is a plan. Decide what you need to do, where you are going to go and how to get the funds to do it. If that means finding a different job, saving up your money or finding a new place, then make a list of what you need to do and get your plan in motion.

A restraining order will keep him out of the house and away from your work. If you see him anywhere, you can call the cops and they will arrest him. If his friends threaten you with harm, call the police. Threatening to hurt someone is a crime. Change your phone number, block their numbers, whatever you need to do to stop them from calling you.

When I left my abusive, alcoholic husband years ago, I ran in fear that he would find me and eventually he did, but I was able to stand up to him and let him know that I was done. Even though I still loved him, I told him I didn't love him anymore and if he came after me, he needed to know I had a gun and would use it to defend myself. He was speechless because he had never heard me talk that way and he left me alone.

I'm not saying you need a weapon, I'm saying you need to let him know that he can't be part of your life anymore. My ex told me once that if I took him back, he would stop drinking. I told him I wouldn't even THINK about taking him back until he had been sober for at least six months and then I'd THINK about it. He never stopped drinking and I never took him back and it was the best decision I've ever made. You can do this. You've already taken the first step by admitting that you know you need to leave. Many, many women never get even that far. You can do this and you have to do it for yourself and your kids.

Ann

I agree with the good suggestions above, and want to add that you might be safer with an alarm system. The physical abuse is a sign that he will hurt you, you just don't know when.

Protect yourself and your children, physical abuse is a dangerous sign.

Keeping you and your kids in my prayers.

Hugs

nothing2011

THANKS all of you

JMFburns

I agree 100% with BikerChick - if the A & AH promises to clean-up, sober-up if you take him back, just say "I'll think about taking you back when you are clean & sober (for whatever amount of time 3, 6, 9 months) - prove it to me." Go on with your life, taking care of yourself and your children - if he manages to clean-up, sober-up then you can reconsider.

Good luck, glad you have found SR.

nothing2011

BikerChick I kicked him out for good meaning what few things he had left and I purchased a 38 small fit into my purse and did tell him if he comes around I WILL use it. He came to the house about a month ago and I stayed in because all kids where home called the police he had left by the time they got there but said if he comes back call 911 tell them my address and to call the officers on their cell phones not report it on the scanner thingy. No major problems since, other than the crybaby act I will change that I have ignorned. I have set boundaries and I love my life and so do my children. You guys are truly a Blessing fom God. I have found myself again and I feel wonderful. This site just helped me in doing so I like to call it light a fire under my butt LOL. Thanks again so much

lightseeker

wow!!!!! Great for you. I am so glad to hear all of this. You did it! It's so hard to get to that place but once you finally do it just gets easier.

I'm really proud of you - thanks for coming back and letting us know how you are doing!

hope213

i am happy to hear u r taking care of yourself & your children. good for you!!

Ann

It took courage to do the right thing for yourself and your children.

That same courage will see you far in life.

Bravo and God Bless.

Hugs

dollydo

Great news! Thanks for the update.