Difficult Situation

Old 05-13-2011, 11:19 PM
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Difficult Situation

Hi, I'm new to this forum and I am in a desperate position right now. I'm 20 years old and I live with my mother, my grandfather, my brother, and my stepdad. My stepdad has been an alcoholic for over 20 years and has gotten several DUIs and has been to prison. About 2 years ago, he had carpal tunnel surgery and was given oxy codon for his pain and he is still taking them to this day. Unfortunately withdrawals he gets from not taking these pills makes him absolutely unbearable. He explodes over the slightest of inconveniences and the majority of his anger is taken out on my 8 year old brother. He belittles him, and badgers him constantly for 20-30 minutes and makes everyone in the house extremely uncomfortable until someone else says something for him to calm down and this only enrages him more and sends the anger to the next person but it only escalates until everyone is totally emotionally distraught. This is a common occurrence that happens about once every two weeks and lasts anywhere from 2-4 hours which completely ruins our night and the next few days after. And occasionally he will mix alcohol into his withdrawals and that is when the absolute psycho comes out of him. That is when he emotionally attacks my 86 year old grandfather who is confined to a wheelchair due to a stroke that makes him only able to move only the right side of his body. He has lost his ability to swallow foods and must be fed through a feeding tube and also he is losing his hearing and eyesight. He is one of the sweetest men I've ever met and does not want to be a burden on anyone but he needs care and my stepdad will help him sometimes. He has said things to my mom screaming at her about how he wipes his *** and it's not fair and one time he even yelled at my grandpa saying how he's so stingy that he can't give him money (to feed his addiction) because he wipes his *** and gets nothing out of it. And just today he said to take the birthday cake my mom bought him and shove it up my grandpas ***. And left messages on the answering machine yelling and saying that he was yelling because my grandpa can't hear and that he's going to get a haircut with his OWN money since he won't pay him. It just breaks my heart to see him emotionally abuse the ones I love so very much, and the reason my mom does not get rid of him is because Florida believes that parents should see their children equally in a divorce and does not trust my 8 year old brother with him by himself. I'm just looking for any kind of answer because I really can't think of a solution that is ideal but I can't keep on living like this and I just don't want to see anyone get hurt anymore. He is a completely different person certain days but it does not matter how nice anyone is if we would have to deal with what we deal with on a monthly basis.
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Old 05-14-2011, 12:50 AM
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Your mom is lying to herself. With your step dad's history and if she'd document everything, joint custody is probably a moot point.

Besides emotionally abusing every member of your home, this also strongly resembles elder abuse, which you and your mother are required by law to report. Your mother could even end up losing your brother if she doesn't do something now to protect him and her father.

Abuse Hotline- Florida Department of Children and Families

Run, don't walk, to the nearest Alanon or Naranon meeting and drag your mom with you if you can.

You've done the right thing in reaching out for help, please continue accepting it and don't look back.
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Old 05-14-2011, 07:40 AM
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Welcome to SR.....you're in such a very difficult position right now but there is support here to help you cope with all that you are facing.

Chino provided some excellent thoughts for you to consider. The scars that are left from this kind of psychological and verbal abuse are deep and much harder to deal with. With physical abuse, there is visual evidence of what is going on.....unfortunately some addicts are fully aware of that and do so much harm to those around them without ever laying a finger on them. From what you have described, there is concern for the safety and wellbeing of everyone in the family, including you.

Reaching out to the resource provided in the post above seems like a heavy burden for one so young to handle. Do you think your mother would be supportive of turning to an agency for help?

Getting the family into support groups such as Alanon or Naranon may be a great idea.

This is a tough one.....you have such a huge heart and your story is heartbreaking. Addiction/alcoholism is a disease. It is a family disease. Unfortunately, everyone in the family suffers.

Please stick around and let us know how you are doing. There are some great books to help you and your mother understand the disease of addiction/alcoholism and the affect that it has on those who live with someone afflicted with this disease.

You are not alone and there are a lot of people here on SR who have been in your position. They will be along soon to share their experience, strength and hope.

gentle hugs.
ke
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Old 05-14-2011, 11:34 AM
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My heart goes out to you scaredbrother. My heart goes out to your entire family.

The situation you describe sounds very bad. Do you have a trusted family member (like an aunt or uncle) or family friend you might be able to confide in? Maybe a clergy member? This sounds like such a big problem for a girl your age to deal with alone. There are agencies that can help. I know it would take alot of courage to reach out for help but you've already shown alot of courage by reaching out here. You sound very mature, strong, and wise for your age.

Your mom sounds very codependent which means she is just as sick as your stepdad. She can't see the situation for what it is. If she did, she would take action to get your stepdad out of the house based on what you have described.

It's probably going to take some outside intervention to get everyone the help they need.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Please stick around and let us know how things are going.
Big hugs to you...
Mary
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Old 05-14-2011, 02:48 PM
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I'm so sorry to hear your predicament. One question....how is your stepfather getting his medication? Does he have prescriptions or is he buying it on the street? If he does not have a prescription for the oxy codone, that's illegal and he is breaking the law. The minimum mandatory sentence for possession of narcotics without a prescription in Florida is three years in prison. I can't tell you what to do, but it might be a way to get him out of your house and if he's a documented addict and felon, no judge is going to award visitation without it being supervised visitation. Just some info to think about.

With regard to the fact that he has had DUI's, that is concrete documentation that he has a drinking problem. In a divorce, your mom can present that information to the judge and request that either visitation be supervised or that he not be allowed to drink around your brother. A judge can even require that he take a breathalyzer test prior to visitation or random tests for alcohol. If he doesn't abide by the judge's order, then he loses visitation rights. Judge's don't play around with substance abuse around children.

Also, if he is threatening your family members in such a way that they are afraid of being physically hurt, you can call the police. Threatening to hurt someone is a crime and he can be arrested. The other option is for you or your mom to go to the police dept. and request a restraining order. With a restraining order, he can be ordered to leave and not come back for a period of time. There are a lot of options legally that you or your mom can take. I would suggest not only going to a Naranon meeting, but also, contact Legal Aid in your area. They can assist you with legal advice at a very low cost or free. Please send me a private message if you would like help finding legal advice in your area. I'm a paralegal and although, I can't give legal advice, I will be happy to find legal resources for you.
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