Nerdgirl

Hi SR Friends,

I haven't posted in a while but rest assured I have been lurking. Whenever I feel like I have a lot to learn I think it's best for me to just shut my word hole and listen :P

Anyway, my update is... Nothing has changed. Surprise! We went NC about a year ago and ~nothing~ has changed. BIL and SIL are still both unemployed living with their parents and wrecking their cars or getting them impounded every other week - none of their behavior speaks to recovery from what I have heard. Our position remains when they're employed and supporting themselves we will resume contact, but until then we will assume ongoing substance abuse and NC is the rule in our home.

We are still being pressured, naturally. I am getting ~very~ tired of being nice (or polite indifference) to my MIL and FIL when they pressure us. No means no, what part of no don't they get? Anyway, are there any tips for how we can nip the next conversation about active drug addicts in the bud? I am thinking of interjecting with "do they have jobs and are they on their own? If not, then we have nothing to discuss on this subject." Too mean or matter of fact? Any input from people who have gone through this before would be most welcome! Have a blessed Easter to all who celebrate

suki44883

My thoughts: No contact means no.contact. That includes discussing the addict with others. When the conversation drifts to that subject, a simple "I refuse to discuss this and have to go now" and ending the conversation is all that is needed. If you are consistent, they will eventually get the message. You cannot worry about whether or not they will perceive that as being rude. If you truly want to avoid these issues, you are the one who will have to put a stop to them.

Nerdgirl

@Suki, Yes, that would work but it would be kind of different from our message from the past year.

We have consistently said that when they get better (defined very clearly by us as job + independence from parents) we will resume contact. The argument we keep getting from in-laws is "how would you know if they're better? They're better and life is wonderful!" No exaggeration. I guess we just need to stop them in their tracks next time and every time...

My in-laws are psychotic in the truest sense of the word. As much as I feel sorry for them and the addicts, I have limited patience for their agenda. You know, where they prove to us and the world that everything is just rosy and no one sticks needles in their arms, steals, or sleeps all day....

suki44883

You have the right to change your message. If the past year has proven that they are not interested in changing, then you have the right to say you're done waiting. If and when they ever find recovery, you will find out without needing a play-by-play description of what is going on from the in-laws. We always have the right to change our minds.

Nerdgirl

Thanks Suki, glad to know I still have a friend here

What triggered my post was that my husband had forwarded an email from his parents, an invitation to Easter dinner and a generous helping of manipulation. Nice try.... I guess I was pretty naive to think that it would be anything less.

We will not respond to the invite, and going forward we won't open emails from any of them because the message never changes - everything is wonderful 'cause the addicts have completely recovered and we're the ones with the problem....

tam

good to hear from you nerdgirl!! I have been thinking about you and as a matter of fact you were on my mind this morning as I was in your neck of the woods

I think you not responding now is a great idea, you have given it enough time and consideration already.
like you said nothing changes if nothing changes.

I think also saying "got to go" when they start bringing it up would be good too, I remember all so well how addicts did that to us, maybe turning it around and doing it to them and their families will give them a final hint or
just blunty say I got to go I dont want to hear it anymore

happy easter nerdgirl I hope you have a nice day with your family tomorrow

keepinon

Mhhhmmm and oh is that so? work also.

Nerdgirl

Hi Tam, good to hear from you Did you need a boat to get through LP? You know that the flooding has been horrible here this spring :/ Thanks for the kind wishes. I hope that you have a lovely holiday too.

When FIL visited and tried to talk to me about dinner with them I simply redirected the conversation and he didn't mention it to me again. I would chalk that up as a win!

Cyranoak

Is no contact with MIL and FIL out of the question? It sounds like that may be the only way. They clearly aren't interested in respecting your boundaries on this, so it seems to me you either learn to live with it, or set stricter boundaries (that you will enforce).

Good luck with that. I know it's tough.

Cyranoak

Nerdgirl

Thanks Cyranoak.

We're NC with my MIL, though my husband read her email (I told my husband that this was a bad idea). We have nominal contact with my FIL. When I suggested not discussing the addicts or the codependents at all my husband seemed to be wounded, saying that this was hard on him and he just wants someone to listen....

My mil, via email, attacked my husband in an underhanded/passive aggressive way - saying that we're the ones with the problem. But, she's got a very serious mental illness and remembering as much gives me some peace.