jalapenolover

AS was released from hospital last week as a result of heroin use. He got home to find his apartment had been robbed. I got home to find tons of letters from his bank (his mail is delivered to OUR house), evidently he has stolen someones check book, forged checks to himself and is now being kicked out of his apartment. He doesn't understand why everything bad is happening to him. My response was.. 'What you are experiencing are the consequences to your recent decisions'. It is soo hard to watch your child lose it all - I hope to someday be as calm as some of you veterans out there. According to the doctor, a few more hours and his kidneys would have completely shut down. How sad that ALL of this is not low enough for him to seek help.

sojourner

I agree with Anvilhead. Anything you can do to remove yourself because these are all triggers that steal your joy, your serenity, your ability to make clear decisions not muddled by fear for your son's life.

I too know what it feels like to see them lose so much and still not bottom out. Perhaps you could go for a long swim, do some hard exercising, something mentally or physically rigorous? The picture you use has a long, long road with mountains in the background. Do you have enough nervous energy right now to walk to the base of those mountains and back???!!! I myself am going to take the dog on a power walk here in another hour or so.

jalapenolover

You all are correct! He has not only stolen from an innocent woman but has stolen our inner peace, joy, etc. sojourner - gosh I wish I could walk to those mountains, that photo was taken during happier times in a whole other state, the road you see is a golf course. Absolute beauty... Perhaps I will go work out tonight! I used to be a real gym rat and haven't been in awhile. Might do me some good.

keepinon

It will for sure do you some good jalepeno(the working out)..I am so sorry it wan't enough for him to realize how severe his addiction is.Our bottom usually comes well before theirs..hard to understand how someone could be so sick and refuse the treatment.It is a cunning and baffling disease for sure.But you are right..these are the consequnces of his addiction and he must deal with them.Hard stuff to watch though:ghug3

Wisher

JL,
I totally agree with anvilhead about stopping his mail from being delivered to your home. I have been there too many times, having an OK day and a trip to the mailbox brings fear, anxiety and STRESS. You've got to protect your heart.

Hugs and prayers.

jalapenolover

Thanks everyone! AS was supposed to go back to hospital today for follow up blood work. He isn't responding to my text messages about going to the lab. Guess its time for me to back off (Let Go and Let God!). Not sure if he is running, sleeping, or even alive... Those are scary thoughts to process. I will head to the gym in the morning!

lostmum

HI I am a lostmum living in England. My husband was diagnosed with bi-polar and committed suicide Christmas Day 1998. Now my son has it. He is now 26. My life with him has been hell. I have gone through about $100,000 in the last 8 years because of helping him and now I am forced to declare bankruptcy. It's my own fault I know. But it was always the fear he would do the same thing as his dad if he ended up too low or manage. He doesnt care about anyone. He hates his life. He doesn't want to work for anyone. Everything has been given to him, he has had loads of support and financial help....yet he doesn't try to help himself. He says he feels violent. Today he took an overdose and ended up in hospital. He says if he gets out he will finish the job. My other son 35, married 9 years just had a baby girl so I am a granny. Never a problem with my oldest, he has done me proud. Now I want to move on with my life and enjoy my grandaughter. I too have been a gymjunkie and had so many interests that I have let lapse because of dedicating myself to my son which I know was a big mistake. He has violent fits where he has wrecked the house, smashed laptops, smashed up cars, gotten in so much trouble and never paid a penny compensation. His endless stream of girlfriends have caused me loads of grief...I am tired. I have learned all too late my mistakes...he won't get help and I live in fear each day he will take his life....how can a mom just ignore that and try to be happy in her own life......what's left of it?

Impurrfect

(((Jalapenolover)) - so sorry he hasn't hit his bottom and prayers coming your way.

(((Lostmum))) - welcome to SR, though sorry for what brings you here. There's a lot of support here.

I'm an RA (recovering addict) and a recovering codie with A's (addicts) in my life. I should be dead, for all the things I did while active, but HP had other plans, and family/friends allowed me to feel the full brunt of my consequences (including homelessness, prostitution and jail) and figure my own way out. I am very grateful, now, though I wasn't at the time.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

justjo

Just read all your posts. Mums!! wow, we try dont we. Love to you all. I have only seen my son once in two months but at least I know my son is alive. Hugs to you girls, ok, deep breaths and let them do this on their own.
I too gave way too much, and now have let go. It seems to be helping him.
JJ

jalapenolover

Mum - Do you attend alanon? Might be a great place for you to go, not sure they have it in England. It is always comforting to come to this site though. I have found so much support and comfort.

hope2be

Just another Mom saying I hear you. I've come to realize that all I have done, spent and pleaded for has not changed a thing. However, I'm learning with the help of this board/ members that I am the one that needs to change.
Thoughts/prayers are with you all.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry that you are dealing with the saddness of watching your son lose everything due to his addiction. I am experiencing the same thing and it is heartbreaking.

One of the things I do to help myself deal with this is to allow myself a small amount of time to grieve over the situation and then I go on about my day. It has taken a lot of work and practice to get to the point where I can close my mind off of the pain that my son's situation creates. But I am managing to compartmentalize those feelings so that they don't permeate my entire existence.

Believe me......it's just as hard for the people who love YOU to watch you being in a state of constant emotional upheaval as it is for you to watch your son lose everything to heroin.

If you can't do it for yourself right now......do it for them (because that's sometimes how us codies can begin it).

gentle hugs
ke

steve1840

lots of good replies here. as time has moved along and i experienced another round, more of this is making sense. i guess there is no other way than to compartmentalize emotions. i cannot be swept away by them, but i cannot imagine having to feel that way about a son or daughter. i have hard enough time doing it with the addict i know.

she almost lost her hand last week due to a bad infection. the hospital was not certain if they could save it. she was devastated as she is/was a chef. but even being in the hospital for that didnt stop her. it made me again realize how bad addiction is. she pleaded for me to get her heroin because of her withdraws but eventually they up her meds to help with that. that wasnt enough, suddenly she was pleading for crack. and even though she survived the days without drugs, she went right back to it first thing.

i cannot stop loving but i can stop being part of it.

jalapenolover

Kindeyes - evidently you have been dealing with this longer than I have to be able to 'compartmentalize'. Great idea.. and I will work hard on it. I DID speak with AS last night, taking him to Dr. tomorrow AM for his bloodwork. I asked him if we was ready to pack it up, leave n start over w/rehab. He said, "Mom, I am only goin to do marijuana now". HA! I give up.. you all are right, its finally time to take care of me for a change. Cannot WAIT till Friday, Mr Jalapeno and I are skippin outta town for our anniversary and 'us time'.

Kindeyes

I hear ya......the "marijuana is natural" argument....well....whatever....so is tansy ragwort but that doesn't mean I'm going to smoke it.

I hope that you and Mr Jalapenolover have a MAAAAHHHVELOUS time!

gentle hugs
ke

keepinon

A trip sounds amazing! BTW my daughter did the just drinking and pot thingafter her 1st rehab..wasn't a mo before she was fully addicted to heroin..real recovery sounds like this"I wil do ANYTHING I have to do to get better..where should I go?Can you drive me to rehab?'Something along those lines..you will know the surrender when you see/hear/feel it.As for now..YOU surrender...