New Member: Would like to learn about patterns & behaviors/dating in recovery
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by emilylou 
I know this is probably for the best for both of us, but I get really attached to people and feel "abandoned" when this sort of thing happens. It's just another thing that I need to work on. I honestly feel like [I]I'm[/I] in recovery now, and that this whole situation has helped me to see that I needed to be (for codependence).
And once you get some recovery about you and get some perspective, you will know what you want.
Beth
Member
Join Date: Feb 2011
Posts: 1
Hi...I would like to hear everyone's input as well. Ive read some of the posts. Ive only been seeing this guy for a short while and I really like him but I can't handle all the inconsistencies. He will tell me to listen to songs that remind him of me, tell me how much he likes me and wants to be with me and then it just bottoms out and nothing. I'm trying to be patient, supportive, and understanding but I've been through past abuse myself in a marriage and am feeling old feelings resurface of insecurity that I felt I have overcome. I am a psychology major and know I cannot "save" him but I am thinking this is just so much more than I can handle at this point. I told him we needed to just be friends because when I asked him what he wanted he would just avoid it and say random things or that he was busy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Bellerose, NY
Posts: 5
Hi I am a new member who has been in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic for the past 9 years.
When I met him he had 4 years of recovery. I was at the end of a 27 year marriage to a pot smoking husband who cheated on me and wasn't very good to me.
My boyfriend who I will call R obviously met me at a tumultuous time in my life and totally rocked my world (in a good way)
I never drank or used drugs and didn't know anything about AA or what I was getting involved with.
He took me to a few meetings and I really liked what I heard and saw.
R was in a good place back then teaching me to appreciate life again, the little things we forget about and take for granted.
My tumultuous lifestyle was taking a turn for the better and I was having the time of my life.
I eventually with his help separated from my husband legally. I also had a son living with me at the time who was only 10.
R as he would tell you now (too involved why) would tell you that he feels guilty about starting this relationship to begin with, was told NOT TO and used addict behaviors because he really liked me to get me. Instant gratification on his part.
Shortly after my mother passed away and I was beyond sad and let's just say R was there for me and since he knew I was scared to be alone and never was before offered to stay with me. He slept on the couch and of course my son wasn't too happy but I guess I was grieving and in a place where all reason left me and I wanted him there.
I will try to be as brief as possible.
R and I proceeded to have a lustful, fun, loving relationship and R within one month moved in..
We did everything together and loved each other like no love I ever had before.
I know this sounds bad with no time in between to grieve, get over my long marriage, etc but here I am 10 years later what can I say, call me codependent.
R hardly went to meetings and our love life started to suffer.
I would ask him if he still loved me and why he stopped making advances to me and he
would tell me it's going to be OK without a real answer..this problem only continued
to a point of making me feel "lesser than" , not attractive anymore", ruined my ego, etc.
His way of fixing this problem was to flourish me with gifts and spend money he didnt have. I told him I didnt want the gifts I wanted him and to return them. He didn't and got into a bad financial bind.
The gest of this story is that for 6 years we got along OK but more like a roommate, friend type of relationship and every week or 2 I would bring it up again......why don't you want me...he would tell me he does but never use words, gestures, body language and as most know, this stems from the brain.
I would ask again and now were fighting on a Saturday night after being out or home for like 4 straight hours...me a fighter to get my point across and him spewing out past things I said making me look bad, making excuses that didn't make sense, etc.
He hardly went to meetings and I begged him to. His excuse was I have time, which is now 13 years, or would go and be back too soon......I have learned that it is really NOT my responsibility to tell him but love him and did anyway I knew he was lying about this problem and was sick and tired of the arguments because up until this Thanksgiving they got WORSE!
He finally went back too AA because I sent someone who needed help his way a beautiful young daughter of an old friend. He started going 7 days a week taking her each time and now they are developing a friendship. It went a little beyond sticking to AA as buying gifts for her kids, etc. R is a very kind person who would help anyone and for the first time in years I know doing this good deed was making him feel better.
But to the extent of avoiding me, realizations of our fights, feeling guilty about our beginning and treating me like crap, yes it's a selfish program he told me.
On Thanksgiving day we were about to leave to go to a relative and after another day of avoiding me he took the time to find his sponsee a book and dedicate it to her right in front of me. I lost it I'm sorry to say and I slapped him. During our dinner I had a strong drink as I needed it and I'm not an alcoholic so I started to spew to relatives which he overheard. That night was the first time I came down from a drink with anger worse than before it started. I didn't know it could have this effect and I was feeling sick and crazy and I actually went to attack R and threw a glass of iced tea in his face.
The avoidance, the hanging out with my friends daughter...built up for 6 years and I had such rage in me that ever since that day he told me that he finally figured out what was wrong.
I am not in love with you he said and havent been for years......
I never knew what not being in love meant before but I do now...
I apologized for losing it to him and he is still living in my home attending meetings 7 days a week, doing what he wants, paying his fair share and doesn't even care to hear my side......at first hurt, crying, bewildered.....I joined alanon not knowing what else to do and stared learning all about what I should have many years ago.
What I'd like to share because I know this is very long is a revelation I came to regarding this matter......
I don't know if it's true for all but let's just say R does not have the ability to REASON which was so easy to figure out now that I'm calm and free to do what I want and R is sick and it's not me..
He took 10 years of my life without being honest and I do take some responsibility for not checking sooner but going back is pointless......
I am beyond hurt and angry and in a way still love him, cant imagine him gone.....but in the long run I realize R can never be in a serious relationship he has just too many issues that will probably take years to fix.
I know AA is great but they are not doctors and he IMO needs one.
Please respond and I appreciate input because I am so distraught over how to handle him until he's physically gone....
Thank you...........
When I met him he had 4 years of recovery. I was at the end of a 27 year marriage to a pot smoking husband who cheated on me and wasn't very good to me.
My boyfriend who I will call R obviously met me at a tumultuous time in my life and totally rocked my world (in a good way)
I never drank or used drugs and didn't know anything about AA or what I was getting involved with.
He took me to a few meetings and I really liked what I heard and saw.
R was in a good place back then teaching me to appreciate life again, the little things we forget about and take for granted.
My tumultuous lifestyle was taking a turn for the better and I was having the time of my life.
I eventually with his help separated from my husband legally. I also had a son living with me at the time who was only 10.
R as he would tell you now (too involved why) would tell you that he feels guilty about starting this relationship to begin with, was told NOT TO and used addict behaviors because he really liked me to get me. Instant gratification on his part.
Shortly after my mother passed away and I was beyond sad and let's just say R was there for me and since he knew I was scared to be alone and never was before offered to stay with me. He slept on the couch and of course my son wasn't too happy but I guess I was grieving and in a place where all reason left me and I wanted him there.
I will try to be as brief as possible.
R and I proceeded to have a lustful, fun, loving relationship and R within one month moved in..
We did everything together and loved each other like no love I ever had before.
I know this sounds bad with no time in between to grieve, get over my long marriage, etc but here I am 10 years later what can I say, call me codependent.
R hardly went to meetings and our love life started to suffer.
I would ask him if he still loved me and why he stopped making advances to me and he
would tell me it's going to be OK without a real answer..this problem only continued
to a point of making me feel "lesser than" , not attractive anymore", ruined my ego, etc.
His way of fixing this problem was to flourish me with gifts and spend money he didnt have. I told him I didnt want the gifts I wanted him and to return them. He didn't and got into a bad financial bind.
The gest of this story is that for 6 years we got along OK but more like a roommate, friend type of relationship and every week or 2 I would bring it up again......why don't you want me...he would tell me he does but never use words, gestures, body language and as most know, this stems from the brain.
I would ask again and now were fighting on a Saturday night after being out or home for like 4 straight hours...me a fighter to get my point across and him spewing out past things I said making me look bad, making excuses that didn't make sense, etc.
He hardly went to meetings and I begged him to. His excuse was I have time, which is now 13 years, or would go and be back too soon......I have learned that it is really NOT my responsibility to tell him but love him and did anyway I knew he was lying about this problem and was sick and tired of the arguments because up until this Thanksgiving they got WORSE!
He finally went back too AA because I sent someone who needed help his way a beautiful young daughter of an old friend. He started going 7 days a week taking her each time and now they are developing a friendship. It went a little beyond sticking to AA as buying gifts for her kids, etc. R is a very kind person who would help anyone and for the first time in years I know doing this good deed was making him feel better.
But to the extent of avoiding me, realizations of our fights, feeling guilty about our beginning and treating me like crap, yes it's a selfish program he told me.
On Thanksgiving day we were about to leave to go to a relative and after another day of avoiding me he took the time to find his sponsee a book and dedicate it to her right in front of me. I lost it I'm sorry to say and I slapped him. During our dinner I had a strong drink as I needed it and I'm not an alcoholic so I started to spew to relatives which he overheard. That night was the first time I came down from a drink with anger worse than before it started. I didn't know it could have this effect and I was feeling sick and crazy and I actually went to attack R and threw a glass of iced tea in his face.
The avoidance, the hanging out with my friends daughter...built up for 6 years and I had such rage in me that ever since that day he told me that he finally figured out what was wrong.
I am not in love with you he said and havent been for years......
I never knew what not being in love meant before but I do now...
I apologized for losing it to him and he is still living in my home attending meetings 7 days a week, doing what he wants, paying his fair share and doesn't even care to hear my side......at first hurt, crying, bewildered.....I joined alanon not knowing what else to do and stared learning all about what I should have many years ago.
What I'd like to share because I know this is very long is a revelation I came to regarding this matter......
I don't know if it's true for all but let's just say R does not have the ability to REASON which was so easy to figure out now that I'm calm and free to do what I want and R is sick and it's not me..
He took 10 years of my life without being honest and I do take some responsibility for not checking sooner but going back is pointless......
I am beyond hurt and angry and in a way still love him, cant imagine him gone.....but in the long run I realize R can never be in a serious relationship he has just too many issues that will probably take years to fix.
I know AA is great but they are not doctors and he IMO needs one.
Please respond and I appreciate input because I am so distraught over how to handle him until he's physically gone....
Thank you...........
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