Sharing
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Cincinnati, OH
Posts: 25
Sharing
Part of this is a post I made somewhere else to ask a question and part is just to share here and continue with my own recovery.
My boyfriend, well ex boyfriend, (we split up and are now communicating via written letter only as single individuals) is in recovery. He had been 3yrs clean from a crack addiction when I met him. He relapsed while we were together. He was on probationary discharge from a drug court program he was in. The called him in for a pee test and obviously failed. He went to jail for two months and at the revocation hearing the judge gave him the choice of jail or long term live in treatment facility. He agreed to treatment. We stayed together but things were very ruff. Along with him trying to recover again, still emotionally copping with all he lost due to his relapse, his bi-polar and myself not having dealt with all the hurt and anger from all the things he had done while relapsed, there was a HUGE strain on our relationship. Things continued to spiral until one night when he jumped out of a moving vehicle, with my kids in the car. Three days later I broke up with him. Two days after that he signed himself out of the rehab facility and voluntarily went back to jail. While there I told him to just let go and leave me alone. Told him I was serious about the break up. The collect calls from jail continued. I blocked the number to the jail.
That was about two months ago now. Since that time I have had time to be mad, and sad and angry and everything else I was either repressing or pushing down to try and stop arguments. I also finally bought a copy of Co-Dependant No More. It made me made when people called me co-dependant. Even the ex said he thought we Both were, but still I insisted I wasn't. I've always taken care of not only myself but everyone around me! I'm anything but!! However, now having gotten halfway through the book I realize he and others were right. I've also started attending church regularly for the first time in well over a decade, and actually love it. (Not something I would have believed at one time.) I've had time to grieve the loss of my relationship. I've started seeing a councilor again. And... time for the smoke to clear enough to see the forest through the trees.
Which brings me to where I am now. I sent the ex a letter one day asking if he wanted to correspond with me only via written letter and that we would remain broken up. He said yes. In all honesty I would love for us to be able to eventually be able to be back together. However, right now, I think he needs to focus on his recovery and get on meds for his bi-polar(which he wants very badly as well). I don't think, without those things we will be able to function properly. Beyond that, I also realized that I never recovered from his relapse either. He asked me many times to come to meetings with him, or he would try to read things from the big book, but I wasn't all that interested. I had many reasons at the time why, many justified by my own hurt and anger from his actions. However, I realize now that part of what worked very strongly against us was that I never recovered for myself and never took a full interest in his recovery which hurt him and myself. At this point I have bought the Big Book and Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions for myself to read. I'd just like to understand a little bit about what he is learning and the things he tried to share with me. I want to understand what he is going through this time because I want to, not because he wants me to. I also am interested in healing myself more.
He is currently still in jail but will soon be returning to rehab. I think that is great because it is what he needs for him, not jail. While I do hope that we can one day be together, I have not said as much to him. If I do, I fear he will focus too much on me and not enough on his recovery. He did a LOT of that while he was in rehab and I think it was a real stumbling block for him. Even if we quit speaking and go our separate ways I know that is what he needs right now. I know I need to heal and grow more on my own right now as well. I think, for us to keep communication at all it must be this way for right now. I guess only time will tell.
Thanks so much for listening!
My boyfriend, well ex boyfriend, (we split up and are now communicating via written letter only as single individuals) is in recovery. He had been 3yrs clean from a crack addiction when I met him. He relapsed while we were together. He was on probationary discharge from a drug court program he was in. The called him in for a pee test and obviously failed. He went to jail for two months and at the revocation hearing the judge gave him the choice of jail or long term live in treatment facility. He agreed to treatment. We stayed together but things were very ruff. Along with him trying to recover again, still emotionally copping with all he lost due to his relapse, his bi-polar and myself not having dealt with all the hurt and anger from all the things he had done while relapsed, there was a HUGE strain on our relationship. Things continued to spiral until one night when he jumped out of a moving vehicle, with my kids in the car. Three days later I broke up with him. Two days after that he signed himself out of the rehab facility and voluntarily went back to jail. While there I told him to just let go and leave me alone. Told him I was serious about the break up. The collect calls from jail continued. I blocked the number to the jail.
That was about two months ago now. Since that time I have had time to be mad, and sad and angry and everything else I was either repressing or pushing down to try and stop arguments. I also finally bought a copy of Co-Dependant No More. It made me made when people called me co-dependant. Even the ex said he thought we Both were, but still I insisted I wasn't. I've always taken care of not only myself but everyone around me! I'm anything but!! However, now having gotten halfway through the book I realize he and others were right. I've also started attending church regularly for the first time in well over a decade, and actually love it. (Not something I would have believed at one time.) I've had time to grieve the loss of my relationship. I've started seeing a councilor again. And... time for the smoke to clear enough to see the forest through the trees.
Which brings me to where I am now. I sent the ex a letter one day asking if he wanted to correspond with me only via written letter and that we would remain broken up. He said yes. In all honesty I would love for us to be able to eventually be able to be back together. However, right now, I think he needs to focus on his recovery and get on meds for his bi-polar(which he wants very badly as well). I don't think, without those things we will be able to function properly. Beyond that, I also realized that I never recovered from his relapse either. He asked me many times to come to meetings with him, or he would try to read things from the big book, but I wasn't all that interested. I had many reasons at the time why, many justified by my own hurt and anger from his actions. However, I realize now that part of what worked very strongly against us was that I never recovered for myself and never took a full interest in his recovery which hurt him and myself. At this point I have bought the Big Book and Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions for myself to read. I'd just like to understand a little bit about what he is learning and the things he tried to share with me. I want to understand what he is going through this time because I want to, not because he wants me to. I also am interested in healing myself more.
He is currently still in jail but will soon be returning to rehab. I think that is great because it is what he needs for him, not jail. While I do hope that we can one day be together, I have not said as much to him. If I do, I fear he will focus too much on me and not enough on his recovery. He did a LOT of that while he was in rehab and I think it was a real stumbling block for him. Even if we quit speaking and go our separate ways I know that is what he needs right now. I know I need to heal and grow more on my own right now as well. I think, for us to keep communication at all it must be this way for right now. I guess only time will tell.
Thanks so much for listening!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 175
Hello DayDreamBeliever
I have not only gone through my husbands addiction and then relapses, but I also grew up with addiction. My father alcoholic, my uncles were drug addicts on my mothers side, my uncle on my dads side alcoholic, cousing drug addicts and alcoholics. My cousin overdosed at the age of 20. I grew up with him he was a year younger than me. I can tell you at the first sign my husband is using again he is going to be asked to leave our home. I will not go back and forth either only because I know what it did to me growing up.
I am telling you this because not do you deserve better but so does your 16 year old daughter. My teenage daughter hates my husband and is suffering from anxiety and depression. I have her seeing a counselor twice a week. Teenagers act as though it has no affect on them, but to watch their mother be mistreated does get to them. Please be gentle with yourself and take cared.
Sending out hugs and prayers to you and yours
I have not only gone through my husbands addiction and then relapses, but I also grew up with addiction. My father alcoholic, my uncles were drug addicts on my mothers side, my uncle on my dads side alcoholic, cousing drug addicts and alcoholics. My cousin overdosed at the age of 20. I grew up with him he was a year younger than me. I can tell you at the first sign my husband is using again he is going to be asked to leave our home. I will not go back and forth either only because I know what it did to me growing up.
I am telling you this because not do you deserve better but so does your 16 year old daughter. My teenage daughter hates my husband and is suffering from anxiety and depression. I have her seeing a counselor twice a week. Teenagers act as though it has no affect on them, but to watch their mother be mistreated does get to them. Please be gentle with yourself and take cared.
Sending out hugs and prayers to you and yours
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Originally Posted by DayDreamBelever 
That was about two months ago now. Since that time I have had time to be mad, and sad and angry and everything else I was either repressing or pushing down to try and stop arguments. I also finally bought a copy of Co-Dependant No More. It made me made when people called me co-dependant. Even the ex said he thought we Both were, but still I insisted I wasn't. I've always taken care of not only myself but everyone around me! I'm anything but!! However, now having gotten halfway through the book I realize he and others were right. I've also started attending church regularly for the first time in well over a decade, and actually love it. (Not something I would have believed at one time.) I've had time to grieve the loss of my relationship. I've started seeing a councilor again. And... time for the smoke to clear enough to see the forest through the trees.
Which brings me to where I am now. I sent the ex a letter one day asking if he wanted to correspond with me only via written letter and that we would remain broken up. He said yes. In all honesty I would love for us to be able to eventually be able to be back together. However, right now, I think he needs to focus on his recovery and get on meds for his bi-polar(which he wants very badly as well). I don't think, without those things we will be able to function properly. Beyond that, I also realized that I never recovered from his relapse either. He asked me many times to come to meetings with him, or he would try to read things from the big book, but I wasn't all that interested. I had many reasons at the time why, many justified by my own hurt and anger from his actions. However, I realize now that part of what worked very strongly against us was that I never recovered for myself and never took a full interest in his recovery which hurt him and myself. At this point I have bought the Big Book and Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions for myself to read. I'd just like to understand a little bit about what he is learning and the things he tried to share with me. I want to understand what he is going through this time because I want to, not because he wants me to. I also am interested in healing myself more.
Which brings me to where I am now. I sent the ex a letter one day asking if he wanted to correspond with me only via written letter and that we would remain broken up. He said yes. In all honesty I would love for us to be able to eventually be able to be back together. However, right now, I think he needs to focus on his recovery and get on meds for his bi-polar(which he wants very badly as well). I don't think, without those things we will be able to function properly. Beyond that, I also realized that I never recovered from his relapse either. He asked me many times to come to meetings with him, or he would try to read things from the big book, but I wasn't all that interested. I had many reasons at the time why, many justified by my own hurt and anger from his actions. However, I realize now that part of what worked very strongly against us was that I never recovered for myself and never took a full interest in his recovery which hurt him and myself. At this point I have bought the Big Book and Twelve Steps, Twelve Traditions for myself to read. I'd just like to understand a little bit about what he is learning and the things he tried to share with me. I want to understand what he is going through this time because I want to, not because he wants me to. I also am interested in healing myself more.
Addiction: Cunning, Baffling, and Powerful. Codependency: Cunning, Baffling, and powerful.
I never really saw myself as codependent, after all I had left a 12 year controlling and emotionally abusive marriage, I had ended a 2 year relationship with an emotionally unavailable man, how could I possible be codependent when in fact all I saw myself was as independent and strong.
I had a wonderful relationship for 3 ˝ years with a recovering addict/alcoholic, he showed me what real courage and strength was, something no other man in my life had. The he relapsed, we broke up and a short time later got back together. Then he happened again and I again took him back…….that’s where I learned about MY codependency and how it was affecting my decisions and my life.
You mentioned grieving the ending of your relationship, yet you sent him a letter asking to remain in his life…….how can you grieve the loss if you are still dancing with the corps?
I think it’s great you got yourself a copy of Co-Dependant No More, what else have you done to work on that besides read the book? Because you seem to be jumping into HIS recovery again by reading the big book and thinking you didn’t attend any meetings with him?
I’m not trying to be mean or harsh here but with each step you take forward for YOU, you seem to counter that by taking one step back towards him and his issues.
What goes through your head/heart when you think about having no contact with him and just focusing on YOU and healing YOU? Where does your fear take you? And could that be why you keep reaching back to him?
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