commonalities
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commonalities
Someone mentioned that we here who are enablers have a lot in common. I'm wondering how many of you had a parent who was an alcoholic or substance abuser/addict?
I am learning that the way I have been addressing my brother's problems has roots in my parents' addictions to a significant degree. In therapy, I've been talking a lot about how I have been the person that not only my brother comes to with his problems, but my sisters with their own, my father with his own, my friends with their own, for so many years. I vaguely remember my mother coming home from the hospital after being in a car accident caused by her intoxication. I needed to be strong, independent, and mature at far too young an age. How can I shed this role in my family when I have been playing it all my life???
I am learning that the way I have been addressing my brother's problems has roots in my parents' addictions to a significant degree. In therapy, I've been talking a lot about how I have been the person that not only my brother comes to with his problems, but my sisters with their own, my father with his own, my friends with their own, for so many years. I vaguely remember my mother coming home from the hospital after being in a car accident caused by her intoxication. I needed to be strong, independent, and mature at far too young an age. How can I shed this role in my family when I have been playing it all my life???
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Thats me too.....I learned in therapy that I am codependant because of my dads alcohol problem. he ws one of those that drank, ran a company but was abusive towards my mom. They did divorce but not until all the kids (3 of us)) had gone to college. I am also the type that takes care of friends, family and listens to anyone that has problems. I am changinf thou. I listen and rarely give opinions any more unless asked. I can't stop being codependant but WE certainly are aware now and can control it....hugs~
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My own codependency was triggered when I learned my daughter was a drug addict. I went to war against her addiction in my quest to prove to me that even though my daughter had a huge drug addiction, I was a good mom. In otherwords, it was all about me and my own ego and parent esteem.
"Co-dependency begins with low self-esteem which is driven by the mistaken need to gain validation or self-worth through acts of kindness, concern, help, rescuing, fixing, enabling, selflessness, sacrifice, accommodation, altruism, endless conversations or needless hand-holding.
Instead of this producing interdependency for both the supporter and supportee, the co-dependent (supporter) feels resentful, victimized, unacknowledged, unappreciated, frustrated, lonely, unloved, and confused as to why being good feels so bad, and the supportee usually continues being dependent, needy, demanding, victimized, that is, stuck in self loathing. "
"Co-dependency begins with low self-esteem which is driven by the mistaken need to gain validation or self-worth through acts of kindness, concern, help, rescuing, fixing, enabling, selflessness, sacrifice, accommodation, altruism, endless conversations or needless hand-holding.
Instead of this producing interdependency for both the supporter and supportee, the co-dependent (supporter) feels resentful, victimized, unacknowledged, unappreciated, frustrated, lonely, unloved, and confused as to why being good feels so bad, and the supportee usually continues being dependent, needy, demanding, victimized, that is, stuck in self loathing. "
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Originally Posted by outtolunch 
My own codependency was triggered when I learned my daughter was a drug addict. I went to war against her addiction in my quest to prove to me that even though my daughter had a huge drug addiction, I was a good mom. In otherwords, it was all about me and my own ego and parent esteem.
"Co-dependency begins with low self-esteem which is driven by the mistaken need to gain validation or self-worth through acts of kindness, concern, help, rescuing, fixing, enabling, selflessness, sacrifice, accommodation, altruism, endless conversations or needless hand-holding.
Instead of this producing interdependency for both the supporter and supportee, the co-dependent (supporter) feels resentful, victimized, unacknowledged, unappreciated, frustrated, lonely, unloved, and confused as to why being good feels so bad, and the supportee usually continues being dependent, needy, demanding, victimized, that is, stuck in self loathing. "
"Co-dependency begins with low self-esteem which is driven by the mistaken need to gain validation or self-worth through acts of kindness, concern, help, rescuing, fixing, enabling, selflessness, sacrifice, accommodation, altruism, endless conversations or needless hand-holding.
Instead of this producing interdependency for both the supporter and supportee, the co-dependent (supporter) feels resentful, victimized, unacknowledged, unappreciated, frustrated, lonely, unloved, and confused as to why being good feels so bad, and the supportee usually continues being dependent, needy, demanding, victimized, that is, stuck in self loathing. "
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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Wow~~I know alot of people that have high self-esteem that are kind, supportive and actually give their lives helping others. I'm not so sure I agree with that meaning of low self-esteem. I have never felt resentful or frustrated when giving time to others. I do feel lots of frustration now that I realize I can't help or fix my son....but that to shall pass...hopefully. This could be a good thread if others join in. I'm not really disagreeing with you outolunch. Its all in how we process info I guess.....Xxx
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I did not grow up with addiction in my family. I dont think of myself as codependent. however as far as low self esteem I will say I felt this when at age 7 I lost my mom suddenly and growing up as a girl in those days was very difficult for me without my mom.
so losing her and now losing my AH who both I truly loved has just brought back alot of emotional distress for me which I need to work on and really am trying to do that.
so for me trajedy triggered anger, low self esteem, frustration, sadness and not having control of the loses I have exp. is very hard to accept sometimes
and having learned that my HP is in control and believing in that is what has gotten me through trying times.
I dont have problems with helping others, not in a controling way and hope someday to volunteer with hospice but right now I need to heal and gain some inner strength.
so losing her and now losing my AH who both I truly loved has just brought back alot of emotional distress for me which I need to work on and really am trying to do that.
so for me trajedy triggered anger, low self esteem, frustration, sadness and not having control of the loses I have exp. is very hard to accept sometimes
and having learned that my HP is in control and believing in that is what has gotten me through trying times.
I dont have problems with helping others, not in a controling way and hope someday to volunteer with hospice but right now I need to heal and gain some inner strength.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Texas
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Neither of my parents were substance or alcohol addicts but that is not to say there wasn't dysfunction! My parents divorced when I was 10 and my mom moved herself and us kids across the country. She became very mentally and emotionally abusive, especially toward me being the oldest. I was 10, my brother was 8 and my sister was only 3. My mother is very co-dependent as well but in different areas I guess you would say. By the time my sister was 10 or 11 I was a basket case doing whatever I could to get out of the house and my mom lived and breathed for my sister. She did that until my sister graduated from college and got married then realized she had no life because her life revolved around my sister. Then she found other things to obsess over. After 25 years she is engaged now and I see the co-dependency in that relationship as well even though neither are actually addicts.
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I have accepted that I was very prideful when i was trying to help my ex become the person I thought was appropriate. When he chose to be the person he wanted to be (an active drug addict, a liar, a manipulator, a jerk) I became resentful and kept trying to change him into someone else.
When I accepted that he was going to do what he was going to do, no matter what I thought was the right choice, things became clearer for me. It was a self-esteem issue - my self-eseteem. Why couldn't I force him to be the man I thought he should be. What was wrong with me??? It was hard to accept that I wasn't in control of everything. I was trying to validate my self-worth through his actions. I was losing and I hated losing. I became more angry and desparate for him to change..
Then I learned that I didn't need him to change for me to have a fulfilling life. I had to change. I had to take the focus off his failings and put it on my own. I had to look for my self-worth from with in. I was responsible for my own happiness. I was also responsible for my own failure. Leaning on an addict for support and validation was like leaning on a matchstick.
I found acceptance that he was who he was, and I was who I was. My values were different then his (no matter what I had convinced myself of the beginning of our relationship).
Then I had to let go. I had to let go of my ego and my pride. I had to change me. Once I did that I found peace and a better life.
When I accepted that he was going to do what he was going to do, no matter what I thought was the right choice, things became clearer for me. It was a self-esteem issue - my self-eseteem. Why couldn't I force him to be the man I thought he should be. What was wrong with me??? It was hard to accept that I wasn't in control of everything. I was trying to validate my self-worth through his actions. I was losing and I hated losing. I became more angry and desparate for him to change..
Then I learned that I didn't need him to change for me to have a fulfilling life. I had to change. I had to take the focus off his failings and put it on my own. I had to look for my self-worth from with in. I was responsible for my own happiness. I was also responsible for my own failure. Leaning on an addict for support and validation was like leaning on a matchstick.
I found acceptance that he was who he was, and I was who I was. My values were different then his (no matter what I had convinced myself of the beginning of our relationship).
Then I had to let go. I had to let go of my ego and my pride. I had to change me. Once I did that I found peace and a better life.
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Location: Texas
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Originally Posted by keepinon
It's not that helping others makes you co-dependent..it's when you help others and expect them to do what you want, when they don't you become angry and resentful..that's co-dependency.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
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ok...So ~ if my son never gets clean I should accept him as an addict but have boundaries such as no drugs at my house, don't ever show up high and don't except anything from me but love and support if he decides to clean up?? I know thats the way I should be thinking but its hard knowing what kind of person he is (or was)) and what drugs have done to him.
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Posts: 1,294
Have you ever been made aware of the characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics?:
The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children by Dr. Janet G. Woititz
1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children by Dr. Janet G. Woititz
1. Adult children of alcoholics guess at what normal behavior is.
2. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty following a project through from beginning to end.
3. Adult children of alcoholics lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.
4. Adult children of alcoholics judge themselves without mercy.
5. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty having fun.
6. Adult children of alcoholics take themselves very seriously.
7. Adult children of alcoholics have difficulty with intimate relationships.
8. Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.
9. Adult children of alcoholics constantly seek approval and affirmation.
10. Adult children of alcoholics usually feel that they are different from other people.
11. Adult children of alcoholics are super responsible or super irresponsible.
12. Adult children of alcoholics are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that the loyalty is undeserved.
13. Adult children of alcoholics are impulsive. They tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. This impulsively leads to confusion, self-loathing and loss of control over their environment. In addition, they spend an excessive amount of energy cleaning up the mess.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
And roles ACOAs tend to evolve into:
http://www.mic.ul.ie/counselling/fac...alcoholics.pdf
Characteristics of A.C.O.A.’s:
�� The Care Taker. Self esteem based on how many people they take care of. Classic
‘Fixers’
�� The People Pleaser. Someone who cannot say no. Never wants to make anyone
angry.
�� The Martyr. Self esteem based on suffering more than anyone else. Always puts
other people first.
�� The Workaholic. Learned from family - only as good as what you produce. Self image
based on activity.
�� The Perfectionist. No matter how well they perform, or how much they do, it’s never
good enough.
�� The Stump. Self image based on survival. Survival and safety exist in fading into the
woodwork to such an extent that no one knows they are there.
Roles Within Family:
Family Hero / Super Kid
Scapegoat / Problem kid
The Lost Child
Mascot / Family Clown
http://www.mic.ul.ie/counselling/fac...alcoholics.pdf
Characteristics of A.C.O.A.’s:
�� The Care Taker. Self esteem based on how many people they take care of. Classic
‘Fixers’
�� The People Pleaser. Someone who cannot say no. Never wants to make anyone
angry.
�� The Martyr. Self esteem based on suffering more than anyone else. Always puts
other people first.
�� The Workaholic. Learned from family - only as good as what you produce. Self image
based on activity.
�� The Perfectionist. No matter how well they perform, or how much they do, it’s never
good enough.
�� The Stump. Self image based on survival. Survival and safety exist in fading into the
woodwork to such an extent that no one knows they are there.
Roles Within Family:
Family Hero / Super Kid
Scapegoat / Problem kid
The Lost Child
Mascot / Family Clown
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by catlovermi
Have you ever been made aware of the characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics?:
The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children by Dr. Janet G. Woititz
The 13 Characteristics of Adult Children by Dr. Janet G. Woititz
Seems to me these statements may ring true ( er) when " of alcoholics" is omitted.
Almost everyone believes they came from some semblance of a dysfunctional family. Heck, just about everyone who came up in the 50's- 60's can relate to punishments by parents and teachers,that if imposed today,would result in charges of child abuse.
Yet many of them let go of the baggage and took responsibility for their own lives.
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Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Originally Posted by Dignity
ok...So ~ if my son never gets clean I should accept him as an addict but have boundaries such as no drugs at my house, don't ever show up high and don't except anything from me but love and support if he decides to clean up?? I know thats the way I should be thinking but its hard knowing what kind of person he is (or was)) and what drugs have done to him.
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Originally Posted by outtolunch
I am thinking that at least half the characteristics apply to a substantial portion of adult population, regardless of their parents use/abuse of achohol and/or drugs.
Seems to me these statements may ring true ( er) when " of alcoholics" is omitted.
Almost everyone believes they came from some semblance of a dysfunctional family. Heck, just about everyone who came up in the 50's- 60's can relate to punishments by parents and teachers,that if imposed today,would result in charges of child abuse.
Yet many of them let go of the baggage and took responsibility for their own lives.
Seems to me these statements may ring true ( er) when " of alcoholics" is omitted.
Almost everyone believes they came from some semblance of a dysfunctional family. Heck, just about everyone who came up in the 50's- 60's can relate to punishments by parents and teachers,that if imposed today,would result in charges of child abuse.
Yet many of them let go of the baggage and took responsibility for their own lives.
I don't think that our justice system is tougher on abuse and neglect today as compared to the 1950s and 60s, it's just that it was such a taboo subject back then.
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Location: The Jungle
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I grew up in a household that was totally void of alcohol or drugs. I am a codependent who is trying to do better. Why am I codependent? Because I'm a soft hearted soul who hates to see anything struggle or hurt in any way. Be it human or animal. It is a character flaw in my personality. And now that I know better, I'm trying to do better.
That's it in a nutshell for me.
gentle hugs
That's it in a nutshell for me.
gentle hugs
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Being codependenant is a character flaw in my opinion..because your happiness gets derived off how someone else is doing..huge problem..that saying drives me nuts "You're only as happy as your least happy child" Whoever said that needs some Melanie Beatty and Alanon! I got tired of checking in with everyone in my life to see how I was going to feel taht day..so much time wasted..
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