I walked away
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
It is OK to feel sad and hurt and miss him. It is ok to FEEL things! You do deserve better.
Until he gets real help and works a recovery, these behaviors of his will always be there. ALWAYS.
Nevermind the nostalgia and fantasy of who he WAS, he isn't that person now. You cannot predict if that person will ever return. If he does, awesome but in the meantime the person he is at this moment in time is causing you great pain.
It does suck. It is disappointing and frustrating and painful. Maybe there are moments of goodness but all that doesn't change the fact that you are second to the addiction.
You deserve to be first.
Until he gets real help and works a recovery, these behaviors of his will always be there. ALWAYS.
Nevermind the nostalgia and fantasy of who he WAS, he isn't that person now. You cannot predict if that person will ever return. If he does, awesome but in the meantime the person he is at this moment in time is causing you great pain.
It does suck. It is disappointing and frustrating and painful. Maybe there are moments of goodness but all that doesn't change the fact that you are second to the addiction.
You deserve to be first.
Originally Posted by wonderingfriend 
I know I shouldn't want him back, that what he was doing to me was disrespectful and hurtful....but I can't help but miss him and want the old person back that I love
I know that I deserve better...but I never seem to find it and always seem to settle for less
I know I wasn't happy always wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he was going to be around that day....but I can't help but continue to wonder
I know I need to work on me....but where do I start
I know that I deserve better...but I never seem to find it and always seem to settle for less
I know I wasn't happy always wondering where he was, what he was doing, if he was going to be around that day....but I can't help but continue to wonder
I know I need to work on me....but where do I start
All you must hold on to Is you
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Beach, Maryland
Posts: 39
Originally Posted by sofacat
We become as addicted to them as they do their DOC.
Though we expect them to do all the recovery work.
I didn't see it like that until the people here made me aware of myself this way. I knew I was addicted to him, the chaos, the need to make everything right. In my head, if I could just help him "fix" his problem, we would have the perfect life together.
Fast forward 10 years...I was still trying to help him "fix" his problem...and lost sight of my own shortcomings. I was so fixated on what he was doing...that I forgot about myself completely. My moods, my needs, my happiness, my "zen" all relied on what he was doing.
That's an awful lot of emotional responsibility to be handing over to an addict, don't ya think?
You just start with today. Know your limits, and write down some boundaries for yourself. Writing them down really helps.
What will you no longer tolerate in "your world"?
Try not to think about all the "what if's"... just stay in "the moment" right now.
Stay here as long as you need to...I didn't go off this site for at LEAST 6 months...and when I separated from my ex...I LIVED on this site. Literally hitting the refresh button over and over. ANYTHING I needed to do to detox from an addictive relationship.
I guess it would be the same for them when they go off their "drug"...yes?
You can read my posts.
Codie Detox Day One, Day Two, Day Three....
The recovery for you starts today.
If you are ready...and we will all be here helping you along the way.
One day at a time.
And be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot. We all live through the addiction too...and that's quite a storm to live through. It takes awhile to get used to the quiet when you're so used to living in a tornado....so to speak.
have you been to an AlaNon or NarAnon meeting yet?
Though we expect them to do all the recovery work.
I didn't see it like that until the people here made me aware of myself this way. I knew I was addicted to him, the chaos, the need to make everything right. In my head, if I could just help him "fix" his problem, we would have the perfect life together.
Fast forward 10 years...I was still trying to help him "fix" his problem...and lost sight of my own shortcomings. I was so fixated on what he was doing...that I forgot about myself completely. My moods, my needs, my happiness, my "zen" all relied on what he was doing.
That's an awful lot of emotional responsibility to be handing over to an addict, don't ya think?
You just start with today. Know your limits, and write down some boundaries for yourself. Writing them down really helps.
What will you no longer tolerate in "your world"?
Try not to think about all the "what if's"... just stay in "the moment" right now.
Stay here as long as you need to...I didn't go off this site for at LEAST 6 months...and when I separated from my ex...I LIVED on this site. Literally hitting the refresh button over and over. ANYTHING I needed to do to detox from an addictive relationship.
I guess it would be the same for them when they go off their "drug"...yes?
You can read my posts.
Codie Detox Day One, Day Two, Day Three....
The recovery for you starts today.
If you are ready...and we will all be here helping you along the way.
One day at a time.
And be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot. We all live through the addiction too...and that's quite a storm to live through. It takes awhile to get used to the quiet when you're so used to living in a tornado....so to speak.
have you been to an AlaNon or NarAnon meeting yet?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 22
Today I struggle...
I want to call him to see how court went yesterday, I want to know when he is going to rehab, I want to have him here to pretend to support me while my 13 yo dog passes away....
But I know I can't because I have to break this cycle...but still it hurts
I want to call him to see how court went yesterday, I want to know when he is going to rehab, I want to have him here to pretend to support me while my 13 yo dog passes away....
But I know I can't because I have to break this cycle...but still it hurts
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. Welcome. Do yourself a favor. Go to the library or the bookstore and get some books about codependency and setting boundaries in a relationship:
Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie
Do some reading on some websites that have information about setting boundaries in relationships:
Setting Boundaries
Setting Boundaries: A Moment to Reflect - Google Books
Treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve. And other people (including, possibly him) will learn from you. He is going to follow his own path. Whether or not he chooses rehab will not change the way you feel and the fact that you deserve more out of a relationship. It will not fix your problems. If you focus on you right now, you will become a stronger better person - no matter what he does.
Codependent No More by Melanie Beattie
Do some reading on some websites that have information about setting boundaries in relationships:
Setting Boundaries
Setting Boundaries: A Moment to Reflect - Google Books
Treat yourself with the love and respect you deserve. And other people (including, possibly him) will learn from you. He is going to follow his own path. Whether or not he chooses rehab will not change the way you feel and the fact that you deserve more out of a relationship. It will not fix your problems. If you focus on you right now, you will become a stronger better person - no matter what he does.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: VA
Posts: 6
Originally Posted by wonderingfriend
I've been thinking about it, just couldn't find the strength to really do it. But he stood me up yet again last night. I can't keep doing this. I'm mad, but not nearly as much as I am hurt. We have been through a lot together and it kills me that he has this problem, but its not my problem and I can't let him bring me down. I would take him back in an instant if he would prove to me that he can change or atleast attempt to....but he doesn't seem to care. His words to me were "you'll never know how much I really do care". Guess he's right......
I'm depressed, sad and hurt......I love him with all my heart
I'm depressed, sad and hurt......I love him with all my heart
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Charlotte NC
Posts: 22
I know I need to work on me, but I was having a hard time yesterday, just a lot going on and I missed having him around. I think I really miss having the old/sober him around.
And I can't help but wonder on a daily basis how he is doing and what is going on in his life...I try to remind myself that it is no longer my business/concern but its a daily task
And I can't help but wonder on a daily basis how he is doing and what is going on in his life...I try to remind myself that it is no longer my business/concern but its a daily task
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