ZombieWife

I feel like such a codependent lately in terms of how my relationship is going with my AH. Couples counseling was put on the table a few months ago. We even said, “Hey, it would be great to do while my folks are in town because we have a babysitter.” But, those months came and went and there was always something else to do (for the both of us). I admit to dropping the ball myself. I could have gone alone, but didn’t. Bad communication mixed in with being overwhelmed in school (last year for me in a graduate program, I am also teaching two classes), plus a list of other “excuses.”

I still have my triggers. Whenever he mentions going to the big city (we live in a college town about an hour away from a major city-- a city we used to live in, where he used a lot), I get stiff with fear because he could return to all of his old haunts and use. And today, when he mentioned that he’s planning to go to the city in January (instead of December), I made a comment like this: “well, it’s more time for me to prolong the fear of you going down there.”

And that was unnecessary of me.

It led to an argument and when I told him I wanted to try to do the couples thing on the one day our daughter is in daycare, he said he didn’t think he needed that, then rattled off a list of excuses:

1. The last time I slipped (2 years ago), it physically HURT and felt like poison. I don’t WANT to do it. That’s the difference between me and “everyone else” who is an addict.
2. I don’t want to go to a meeting where someone might recognize me (they might, it’s a smaller town) and be around a bunch of meth-heads. Note: I've mentioned online meetings to him before, but he hasn't looked into it (that I know of).
3. Him: "Just because you think talking with someone in a therapy situation would work, it doesn’t work for everybody. I’ve gone to see a doctor (a psychiatrist who has seen him a total of 4 times and just prescribes him meds). She said that if I felt like I was ready to stop going, that’s fine." (It just opens the door for him to not go and justify it).
4. I quit smoking and I’m done with that, too. I can handle this.

Now, all of these things scare the hell out of me. I’m not going to lie. But, why bother trying to analyze it all? I tried controlling him (by telling him that we SHOULD go see someone together). I tried to change his behavior/decisions him by using the guilt-terminology the way I did (i.e. “every time you go to Denver, I get scared.” And, I definitely have it on my agenda to “cure” him by thinking that seeing someone will keep him sober.

So, guilty of relapsing on all three. What a crappy day.

I can’t make him go see anyone. I can’t make him do anything. I’m tired of asking him about it (specifically, to figure out a good time to schedule it). But, the good thing is that I told him I can’t be his "psychologist" anymore. He will unload on me for an hour here and an hour there, all these things he’s thinking about in regard to the addiction and his past and how he’s handling it. And while it’s good to get his raw/uncut feelings and emotions, I have no idea what to do with it all. I don’t have the academic tools or the certification to channel that into something constructive.

So, new boundaries: I’m no longer going to BE his therapist. Because I worry that he’s approaching this scary time (2-3 years sober and so many relapse), I’m going to take care of myself, put money aside in case of an emergency (i.e. formalize and manifest my contingency plan). My boundaries are in place and he knows I will move out with our daughter (her safety trumps my own needs/desires/codependencies). I’m going to see someone on my own. I’m not going to pressure him to see someone or make him feel bad for not going. I’m going to work on a better way to approach this in my own recovery.

I don't think he's using. My gut tells me he's not. Meth is pretty difficult to "fake it through," and there are no signs. There are no signs of him using something else.

Thanks for reading.

IndigoMama

Don't be so hard on yourself. I have a feeling that this is really hard work, hard work that will pay off and I am headed there as well. ( hugs ) one day at a time. Tomorrow is a new one

Kindeyes

Oh sweetie....I so understand how you feel. It's hard not to beat yourself up when you slip into codieville--I hate it when that happens. But you see it, you've resolved to do something about it and that's all a good thing. He isn't using TODAY and that's a good thing.

I've had a couple of bad codie days here recently and I've beaten myself up about it. It feels crappy enough to slip up like that but to beat ourselves up about it on top of it?

Take care of yourself and try try try not to worry about tomorrow.

gentle hugs