First Post. Please help me??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: LONDON UK
Posts: 3
First Post. Please help me??
Hello everyone. my very first post, I can barely see the keyboard through my tears and throbbing head
I live in uk so I hope its ok to post here?
My beautiful daughter has been on heroin for the last 10 years, shes now 31. Ive read here on and off for years, but need some words from you as Im struggling.
Iv gone through all the normal stuff an addict does, year after year of it, as you all have, but this past week has almost destroyed me.
Ive been very much a co-dependant. Ive enabled her because of that. There have been times Ive even given her money, after arguing about it for hours, because I feel exhausted (I have M,S and Fibromyalgia) and to basically get rid of her, as I also have an Autistic daughter who is 24 and lives with me, Im her carer. I know Ive done a lot of wrong things, but Im now trying to detach as Im too ill to carry on this way. And its obviously not helped, just made it worse.
For the last week she phones or texts in the early hours of the morning, I guess she sleeps all day, asking for money. Ive said NO. She phones me every 5 minutes, begging me. I switch the phone off, knowing when I turn it back on there will be 40 txts, pleading txts, abusive txts, txts saying a dealer has her and will hurt her unless I gave her money, you know the type Im sure.
She has taken my card and emptied my bank account, Im in so much debt, I was out and I assume she used a key, so I now have to find the money to have the locks changed. By the way, all this turning off phone, ignoring txts, not giving money, is a new thing for me and although its a step in the right direction, I feel Im abandoning her and its heartbreaking. I had to change though, I know that.
She started txting me around midnite last night, asking for money. I said No, then turned phone off. At around 4am I heard tapping, looked out my bedroom window and she was in the garden tapping on the lounge window. I ignored it for ages, but it was making my dogs bark very loudly and I have very close neighbours, so I got up and went downstairs. I didnt want to open the door so I opened the window a little and she had a taxi outside. She said she couldnt pay him, he was going to call the police.
I said I wouldnt pay him & told her to leave. She said she had money owed to her, so if I could pay the taxi she could continue her journey and pick up the owed money. I said No, and shut the window. She shouted "fine, I,ll just stay here banging then!" and started banging hard on my window over and over again. que dogs barking!
I went back to the window and told her if she didnt leave I would phone the police myself. Iv threatened it before but never have, so she didnt believe me. She kept banging, then kicking the front door, then picked up a flower trough from the window ledge and threw it on the floor, breaking it. She looked demented, quite scary. By this time my autistic daughter was awake and scared.
So I did something I never thought I could do to my own daughtr, I called the police to remove her. Police spoke to me, then I heard them tell her if she doesnt leave they will arrest her. She walked off down the road shouting that she despises me and will never have anything to do with me again. A few minutes later I got a series of abusive txts so turned phone off again.
I went back to bed,but couldnt sleep as I was upset and in pain as stress makes my condition flair up. I got up, made a cup of tea, turned my phone on and around 8 messages came through. I read 2 of them and was so upset I deleted the others without reading. The 2 said I was a F****** B****. The other said "I hope you DIE". I was shaken up, shes never ever said such nasty things to me!
I blocked her number, so she cant txt or call me now.
Then at 6.35am my phone went, a number I didnt know. I answered it, it was her..the only bit I heard before I hung up was "Mum, they are going to hurt me if I dont get..." then I hung up and blocked that number too.
This morning, loads of friends have contacted me to say AD had sent them all messags asking for money, or she would be hurt or even killed.
Even friends I havnt seen for years!
I dont know what to do now? On the one hand Im proud of myself for standing up to her and following through with the police & blocking her numbr etc, but on the other hand Im worried sick because what if it was true? I cant think she would ever contact my friends like that unless there was a urgent situation. What if shes in danger? Hurt somewhere?
Should I try contacting her to see if shes ok, but that would maybe give her the green light to try manipulating me again? Should I leave it? If shes hurt in her flat no-one would know, she has no friends, no one calls there except me, no-one would miss her.
Please, am I doing the right thing by having no contact? would you try to se if she was ok, or leave it?
I want to do the best thing, but dont evn know what that is?
Thanks for reading all this. I hope you can help me.
KaY
I live in uk so I hope its ok to post here?
My beautiful daughter has been on heroin for the last 10 years, shes now 31. Ive read here on and off for years, but need some words from you as Im struggling.
Iv gone through all the normal stuff an addict does, year after year of it, as you all have, but this past week has almost destroyed me.
Ive been very much a co-dependant. Ive enabled her because of that. There have been times Ive even given her money, after arguing about it for hours, because I feel exhausted (I have M,S and Fibromyalgia) and to basically get rid of her, as I also have an Autistic daughter who is 24 and lives with me, Im her carer. I know Ive done a lot of wrong things, but Im now trying to detach as Im too ill to carry on this way. And its obviously not helped, just made it worse.
For the last week she phones or texts in the early hours of the morning, I guess she sleeps all day, asking for money. Ive said NO. She phones me every 5 minutes, begging me. I switch the phone off, knowing when I turn it back on there will be 40 txts, pleading txts, abusive txts, txts saying a dealer has her and will hurt her unless I gave her money, you know the type Im sure.
She has taken my card and emptied my bank account, Im in so much debt, I was out and I assume she used a key, so I now have to find the money to have the locks changed. By the way, all this turning off phone, ignoring txts, not giving money, is a new thing for me and although its a step in the right direction, I feel Im abandoning her and its heartbreaking. I had to change though, I know that.
She started txting me around midnite last night, asking for money. I said No, then turned phone off. At around 4am I heard tapping, looked out my bedroom window and she was in the garden tapping on the lounge window. I ignored it for ages, but it was making my dogs bark very loudly and I have very close neighbours, so I got up and went downstairs. I didnt want to open the door so I opened the window a little and she had a taxi outside. She said she couldnt pay him, he was going to call the police.
I said I wouldnt pay him & told her to leave. She said she had money owed to her, so if I could pay the taxi she could continue her journey and pick up the owed money. I said No, and shut the window. She shouted "fine, I,ll just stay here banging then!" and started banging hard on my window over and over again. que dogs barking!
I went back to the window and told her if she didnt leave I would phone the police myself. Iv threatened it before but never have, so she didnt believe me. She kept banging, then kicking the front door, then picked up a flower trough from the window ledge and threw it on the floor, breaking it. She looked demented, quite scary. By this time my autistic daughter was awake and scared.
So I did something I never thought I could do to my own daughtr, I called the police to remove her. Police spoke to me, then I heard them tell her if she doesnt leave they will arrest her. She walked off down the road shouting that she despises me and will never have anything to do with me again. A few minutes later I got a series of abusive txts so turned phone off again.
I went back to bed,but couldnt sleep as I was upset and in pain as stress makes my condition flair up. I got up, made a cup of tea, turned my phone on and around 8 messages came through. I read 2 of them and was so upset I deleted the others without reading. The 2 said I was a F****** B****. The other said "I hope you DIE". I was shaken up, shes never ever said such nasty things to me!
I blocked her number, so she cant txt or call me now.
Then at 6.35am my phone went, a number I didnt know. I answered it, it was her..the only bit I heard before I hung up was "Mum, they are going to hurt me if I dont get..." then I hung up and blocked that number too.
This morning, loads of friends have contacted me to say AD had sent them all messags asking for money, or she would be hurt or even killed.
Even friends I havnt seen for years!
I dont know what to do now? On the one hand Im proud of myself for standing up to her and following through with the police & blocking her numbr etc, but on the other hand Im worried sick because what if it was true? I cant think she would ever contact my friends like that unless there was a urgent situation. What if shes in danger? Hurt somewhere?
Should I try contacting her to see if shes ok, but that would maybe give her the green light to try manipulating me again? Should I leave it? If shes hurt in her flat no-one would know, she has no friends, no one calls there except me, no-one would miss her.
Please, am I doing the right thing by having no contact? would you try to se if she was ok, or leave it?
I want to do the best thing, but dont evn know what that is?
Thanks for reading all this. I hope you can help me.
KaY
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I'm so sorry your daughter is putting you through that. You do not deserve it.
YES!! You are doing the right thing. Keep blocking her numbers and you may find it necessary to change your phone number. If she comes to your home and won't leave, keep calling the police. She is pulling out all the stops trying to manipulate you and wear you down so that you'll eventually give in to her demands.
Stand strong and keep reading and posting here. Many of us have been where you are and can understand what you are going through.
YES!! You are doing the right thing. Keep blocking her numbers and you may find it necessary to change your phone number. If she comes to your home and won't leave, keep calling the police. She is pulling out all the stops trying to manipulate you and wear you down so that you'll eventually give in to her demands.
Stand strong and keep reading and posting here. Many of us have been where you are and can understand what you are going through.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Kay, I'm sorry for your circumstance but glad you joined us.
MS, fibromyalgia and an autistic child to take care of would wear any one of us out. You are an amazing woman just to survive all this.
Your daughter, sadly, is totally out of control, like my son and most of our addicts here. She bugs you incessantly because she knows she can wear you out...and she does. How awful that must be for you.
She knows you won't call the police because you've threatened before. But sweetie, you need to get her to leave you alone and I fear that's the only way. It's hard to make boundaries with consequences for those we love, but if we don't we are drawn into the depths with them.
I'm not sure of the law where you live, but you could take a restraining order out against her. Then have her arrested if she comes around again. I can tell you that jail is better than the street for most of our kids, so we do no harm when we call the police.
Others will be along to welcome you too. Stick around, make yourself comfortable and know you are among friends here.
Hugs
MS, fibromyalgia and an autistic child to take care of would wear any one of us out. You are an amazing woman just to survive all this.
Your daughter, sadly, is totally out of control, like my son and most of our addicts here. She bugs you incessantly because she knows she can wear you out...and she does. How awful that must be for you.
She knows you won't call the police because you've threatened before. But sweetie, you need to get her to leave you alone and I fear that's the only way. It's hard to make boundaries with consequences for those we love, but if we don't we are drawn into the depths with them.
I'm not sure of the law where you live, but you could take a restraining order out against her. Then have her arrested if she comes around again. I can tell you that jail is better than the street for most of our kids, so we do no harm when we call the police.
Others will be along to welcome you too. Stick around, make yourself comfortable and know you are among friends here.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: LONDON UK
Posts: 3
Ann and Suki, thankyou from the bottom of my heart
You have made me feel a little easier about what Ive done. I know I have to do this, its just SO hard...she was my best friend before heroin took her.
Im just so tired. I will read here again tomorrow, its 1.40am here and I havnt sleep for a week, not properly, so I will go to bed now, feeling a little better, and not feeling Im doing a horrible thing to her. Thankyou so very much. Im a single parent so it feels nice to know I have your support, Ive felt so alone.
kay xx
You have made me feel a little easier about what Ive done. I know I have to do this, its just SO hard...she was my best friend before heroin took her.
Im just so tired. I will read here again tomorrow, its 1.40am here and I havnt sleep for a week, not properly, so I will go to bed now, feeling a little better, and not feeling Im doing a horrible thing to her. Thankyou so very much. Im a single parent so it feels nice to know I have your support, Ive felt so alone.
kay xx
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
You've both been held hostage by her addiction.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Let it begin with you.
Continuing to react to the insanity of addiction the way you have through the yrs.
has not led to her recovery.
It is time to let go for now and take care of yourself.
You are now clearly seeing what her addiction is costing you financially, serenity, health, etc.
You're taking steps in the right direction.
You can love your daughter just as much w/o taking the abuse.
Nothing changes if nothing changes. Let it begin with you.
Continuing to react to the insanity of addiction the way you have through the yrs.
has not led to her recovery.
It is time to let go for now and take care of yourself.
You are now clearly seeing what her addiction is costing you financially, serenity, health, etc.
You're taking steps in the right direction.
You can love your daughter just as much w/o taking the abuse.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
I have a heroin addicted daughter in early recovery and I called the police on her several times.She is just getting more desperate because you are FINALLY not enabling her and she doesn't know wehat to do.I would ignore the calls for a good long while and make her deal with the consequences of her addiction.Do you go to alanon? helps me alot.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
My son is autistic and I couldn't imagine having an AD on top of it. That is LOTS on your plate. Hope you have someone there you can talk to. Be kind to yourself first. You are doing the right thing 
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
Hi,
As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. It takes so much strength. I admire you for being able to do it.
I had to learn (the hard way, as we all do) with my ex-husband, and then recently with my son, that the only way to help an addict, is not to help them.
There are several sticky posts at the top of the page. Read through them; they will help you. Stay here, and share with us. We are in this together.
Many hugs and prayers for you and your daughter.
Jen
As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. It takes so much strength. I admire you for being able to do it.
I had to learn (the hard way, as we all do) with my ex-husband, and then recently with my son, that the only way to help an addict, is not to help them.
There are several sticky posts at the top of the page. Read through them; they will help you. Stay here, and share with us. We are in this together.
Many hugs and prayers for you and your daughter.
Jen
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
KAY9,
You are absolutely doing the right thing. It is so hard to say to our children, "NO!"
But, in this instance it is the only way to get some serenity for you.
Keep yourself sane and be good to yourself.
Try some AlAnon meetings.
You will need the support in living your life in peace and serenity until your daughter chooses recovery.
Beth
You are absolutely doing the right thing. It is so hard to say to our children, "NO!"
But, in this instance it is the only way to get some serenity for you.
Keep yourself sane and be good to yourself.
Try some AlAnon meetings.
You will need the support in living your life in peace and serenity until your daughter chooses recovery.
Beth
The sun still shines
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 472
Kay9 you are doing the right thing, no matter how hard it is now. It will get better for you once she understands that you really will enable her no longer.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. What you are going through is not easy (((((KAY9)))))
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter. What you are going through is not easy (((((KAY9)))))
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 390
Keep in mind that if she was truly threatened she would have told the police officer that you called to your house, right? She chose to walk away from him.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds dreadful. But i've lived similar things with my AH. I have been a too long enabler too so I know how very hard it is to finally start changing your reaction. Nothing makes this easy, ever. But so far what we have done has not worked...hugs to you. Hope you are getting some sleep as I type this.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It sounds dreadful. But i've lived similar things with my AH. I have been a too long enabler too so I know how very hard it is to finally start changing your reaction. Nothing makes this easy, ever. But so far what we have done has not worked...hugs to you. Hope you are getting some sleep as I type this.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 52
Kay, I really feel for you in your situation. You have so much responsibility. As long as you can come here and share, you are not alone. With my AS I could never tell when he was lying to get money from me. It was hard to tell him "no" but I finally had to. It got easier when I told myself that the only thing he wanted the money for was drugs, and that I wasn't going to fund his addiction any more. It's tough to love someone who seems determined to self-destruct. You can't help loving your children, "warts and all." But sometimes you have to love them from a distance. I'm praying that your daughter will wake up and realize that she has better options. Big hug to you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Posts: 139
Oh Kay,
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how you feel. I called the police on my son just 2 weeks ago. I know how hard it is to say no. You're doing fantastic. Stay here, read, post, and take care of you.
Hugs,
FGB
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how you feel. I called the police on my son just 2 weeks ago. I know how hard it is to say no. You're doing fantastic. Stay here, read, post, and take care of you.
Hugs,
FGB
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: LONDON UK
Posts: 3
OMG thankyou SO much for all these replies, I never expected so many.
I wish I could reply to you all as individuals, but my fingers and wrists are painfull due to the Fibro and typing is slow, so I hope its not rude to reply in one post.
Firstly, you have all made me feel a little more comfortable about what Im doing. Im just sad so many of you are having to deal with the same sort of thing, its the hardest thing Ive ever done. For the first time in 31 years, I have gone 3 days without speaking to or seeing my daughter. I have no idea how or where she is. I never thought it would come to this, but I know it had to for anything to change.
I only hope this is her "rock bottom" and she comes through this. If anything should happen to her now, while we are not even in touch, I dont know if I could ever forgive myself though? And I know she would feel the same, as her last words to me were that she hoped Id die. I know that in her more lucid moments that will be tormenting her. And I dont want that. I dont want her to suffer any more than she is. I hope she realises that I know it was the drugs talking, and that I know she loves me. And I hope she knows I love her.
Thats the big fear Ive got, that it might all end this way.
I need to be looking at it another way, that this is all for the best and that it will be the beginning of her recovery and that she will be well and our relationship will be stronger than ever. Its hard though isnt it? How did you all cope with that?
Ive still got her phone number blocked, Im afraid to unblock it because of the barrage of nasty texts that might come through, or even worse, the pleading desperate ones. Part of me wants to unblock it just to send her a message telling her I love her and finding out shes ok, but that will just open the floodgates to it all again, I think. If I give her an inch, she will take a mile.
There is no-one I can even ask if shes ok or if theyve heard from her, she is always on her own. I guess I just have to wait, although what Im waiting for I dont know!
The Police pulled up outside my house this morning, my legs gave way as soon as I saw them and I felt sick, but they were going to a neighbours house, thankfully.
I wish I knew she was safe. But Ive not known that for the last 10 years, although it sems worse now that Im not in touch with her. Will detaching get easier? Will it always hurt like this?
Thanks for listening all of you. Theres no-one else I can talk to, my parents are in their 80s and have been worried enough for long enough about AD. Im pretty much on my own with this.
kay xxx
I wish I could reply to you all as individuals, but my fingers and wrists are painfull due to the Fibro and typing is slow, so I hope its not rude to reply in one post.
Firstly, you have all made me feel a little more comfortable about what Im doing. Im just sad so many of you are having to deal with the same sort of thing, its the hardest thing Ive ever done. For the first time in 31 years, I have gone 3 days without speaking to or seeing my daughter. I have no idea how or where she is. I never thought it would come to this, but I know it had to for anything to change.
I only hope this is her "rock bottom" and she comes through this. If anything should happen to her now, while we are not even in touch, I dont know if I could ever forgive myself though? And I know she would feel the same, as her last words to me were that she hoped Id die. I know that in her more lucid moments that will be tormenting her. And I dont want that. I dont want her to suffer any more than she is. I hope she realises that I know it was the drugs talking, and that I know she loves me. And I hope she knows I love her.
Thats the big fear Ive got, that it might all end this way.
I need to be looking at it another way, that this is all for the best and that it will be the beginning of her recovery and that she will be well and our relationship will be stronger than ever. Its hard though isnt it? How did you all cope with that?
Ive still got her phone number blocked, Im afraid to unblock it because of the barrage of nasty texts that might come through, or even worse, the pleading desperate ones. Part of me wants to unblock it just to send her a message telling her I love her and finding out shes ok, but that will just open the floodgates to it all again, I think. If I give her an inch, she will take a mile.
There is no-one I can even ask if shes ok or if theyve heard from her, she is always on her own. I guess I just have to wait, although what Im waiting for I dont know!
The Police pulled up outside my house this morning, my legs gave way as soon as I saw them and I felt sick, but they were going to a neighbours house, thankfully.
I wish I knew she was safe. But Ive not known that for the last 10 years, although it sems worse now that Im not in touch with her. Will detaching get easier? Will it always hurt like this?
Thanks for listening all of you. Theres no-one else I can talk to, my parents are in their 80s and have been worried enough for long enough about AD. Im pretty much on my own with this.
kay xxx
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Kay
As the mother of an AS, I understand (as so many of us do) the pain and anxiety you are feeling right now. It took so much courage to call the police. Sometimes the most loving things we can do for our addicted children, hurts all the way to the core of our being. But when it is done with love, knowing that we can no longer enable them in their disease, we can find peace.
As far as the cruel things she said to you......that was the disease talking.....not your daughter.
gentle hugs
As the mother of an AS, I understand (as so many of us do) the pain and anxiety you are feeling right now. It took so much courage to call the police. Sometimes the most loving things we can do for our addicted children, hurts all the way to the core of our being. But when it is done with love, knowing that we can no longer enable them in their disease, we can find peace.
As far as the cruel things she said to you......that was the disease talking.....not your daughter.
gentle hugs
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