So Worried
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 12
So Worried
It is midnight and my son just snuck out the back door. I'm sure he is going for drugs. His stepfather gave him money tonight to go out to eat with his AA friends after the meeting, but I know that was a lie. I thought for sure he had reached his bottom when he was incarcerated for nine months. He pleaded for me to bail him out while he waits trial on serious charges. For three months he was clean and sober but I noticed changes two weeks ago. I am considering revoking the bail. I have heard it said in Al-Anon not to cause a crisis or prevent one. Would revoking the bail cause a crisis? I am concerned about being the one who puts him back in jail. I think it will only be a matter of time before he is in trouble again and lands back there. I also have hopeful moments when I think he is back on track going to meetings and staying home, but now I wonder how many of these nights he has snuck out when I thought he was at home for the day. I am sick to my stomach and very depressed and anxious. I am tired of hiding my purse, credit cards, and prescriptions. I am worried that the bail money will be lost. I am worried that he will rack up another case. Today I thought he was drug free and I heard a lot of yelling to no one while he was mowing the lawn. I wondered if he was psychotic. I go to Al-Anon and am still having a lot of anxiety and indecisiveness. I just needed to share with people who understand and I need to get stronger.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Trinia.... I don't know the answer to your questions, but I did want you to know that someone out here today knows how you feel. Sending up prayers for you and your son. I hear the pain in your post and I am sending you momma hugs today.
Gotahavfaith
Gotahavfaith
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
"Do not cause or prevent a crisis"....that belongs to someone else. That makes sense. But if the crisis could land on your doorstep (financially), wouldn't you be preventing a crisis for yourself by revoking the bail? Explore your motives.....if you are considering revoking the bail in an effort to get him to stop doing what he is doing......it may not be a good idea. If you are considering revoking the bail because you are concerned for your own finances, those may be appropriate motives.
I'm not well versed in bail and bonds. Is there someone at the bail/bond office you can speak to for advice?
Personally, I've been trying (not always succeeding but trying hard) to have one primary boundary. Protect MY recovery above all else. I trust that all of the other boundaries will fall into place if I keep that one boundary first and foremost in my mind.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this with your son. It's so hard to watch them destroying their lives right in front of us.....and right now, you have a front row seat. The hardest thing I ever did was to change the manner in which I responded to my son. I know how this hurts you to the core of your being.
You and your son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
I'm not well versed in bail and bonds. Is there someone at the bail/bond office you can speak to for advice?
Personally, I've been trying (not always succeeding but trying hard) to have one primary boundary. Protect MY recovery above all else. I trust that all of the other boundaries will fall into place if I keep that one boundary first and foremost in my mind.
I am so sorry that you are dealing with this with your son. It's so hard to watch them destroying their lives right in front of us.....and right now, you have a front row seat. The hardest thing I ever did was to change the manner in which I responded to my son. I know how this hurts you to the core of your being.
You and your son will be in my prayers.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Much to my consternation, several years ago my dad took out a sizable loan and posted bail for my AD.
His reasoning was he couldn't live with himself if he should die without ever seeing his granddaughter again.
That's money he will never see again.
For me, my confusion in the past with my AD was in knowing darned good and well what my gut was telling me, and trying to rationalize that it wasn't that bad or I was imagining things.
I won't ever make the mistake of taking my AD into my home again.
Oh she was going to meetings and talking the talk.
She was also sneaking beer into the house, and drinking and smoking pot with her younger sister after I would fall asleep finally.
She was also taking my car in the middle of the night and driving around with her younger sister.
From a financial standpoint, can you afford the potential loss of the bail money?
From a personal standpoint, can you afford to ignore your gut feelings?
Just some things to think about.
His reasoning was he couldn't live with himself if he should die without ever seeing his granddaughter again.
That's money he will never see again.
For me, my confusion in the past with my AD was in knowing darned good and well what my gut was telling me, and trying to rationalize that it wasn't that bad or I was imagining things.
I won't ever make the mistake of taking my AD into my home again.
Oh she was going to meetings and talking the talk.
She was also sneaking beer into the house, and drinking and smoking pot with her younger sister after I would fall asleep finally.
She was also taking my car in the middle of the night and driving around with her younger sister.
From a financial standpoint, can you afford the potential loss of the bail money?
From a personal standpoint, can you afford to ignore your gut feelings?
Just some things to think about.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
fI you thinks he's using I'm sure he is.I knew , even when my AD would somehow pass the drug tests we gave her (we were right). I agree w/ Kindeyes..what are your motives on the bail.Oh I remember the hiding my purse and prescriptions..no way to live! Have you cinsidered a sober living environment for your son? I cannot have my daughter in my home.. not best for BOTH of us.
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