sojourner

Hello friends:

As many of you know, i have a 20something AS whom i have minimal contact with. But i do try to have lunch with him every couple of months or so just to stay in contact, touch base, etc.

When i called him the other day to ask if he wanted to meet for lunch later this week, he said "sure - and hey, you can drop me off at my job." The reason he needs a ride to a job is because in the drug/alcohol lifestyle he has a suspended driver's license (with warrant), no car, low-paying jobs, and no money to correct any of the above.

So i thought and prayed and decided to get honest with him. I just got off the phone with him telling him i would be glad to pick him up for lunch because I want to touch base with him but that i would not give him a ride to work because that situation exists because of the lifestyle he lives and that i do not want to do anything that is going to bail him out of that. He got quiet and then said, "all right." I told him to call me if he wanted to go to lunch but that i asked that he be prepared to find his own way to work which is what he does every other day anyway. He is mad, i know this because I know him.

I don't think he will be calling me. So sad.

Callie

I'm sorry Sojourner. You did the right thing though, as tough as it had to be. Hugs to you.

keepinon

Oh he'll call..in a while. Sorry it took a bad turn, but you never know what will happen..he may even actually start to get it at one point. And you have the serentiy of holding your boundaries.

tam

think you did the right thing too sojourner, know it was hard for you to do,but shows your recovery coming through.
Im sure he will call you after he sulks for awhile..hang in there

Kindeyes

Sojourner
It's so tough to hold those boundaries, isn't it. You're ok. He'll be ok. He'll find his way to work or he won't. And it's ok if he's mad--he'll get over it.

gentle hugs

steve1840

wow- that is impressive. seriously. in my head i would have thought, well, its just a little ride and i do want to see him. i hope i get to that point someday

ThatLittleGirl

wow- that is impressive. - I agree....just wow...I admire your strength!!!

crazybabie

I also agree very impressvive, I also would have probably thought well since he is with me already and took him. I also, will be glad when I get to where you are. Be proud of yourself.

greeteachday

((((Hugs)))) mom....He will get over his anger and you have planted another seed about consequences of his choices.

Ann

I think you also sent the message that meeting you for lunch doesn't mean there is something extra in it for him.

It can get old that whenever we do something nice, something "more" is requested.

I agree, you did just fine here.

Hugs

sojourner

Thanks for all your kind responses. He and I have such minimal contact, and even that has to have boundaries put up around it. And I am the one who initiates everything. I will probably wait a couple more months and try it again.

This minimal contact thing is a lot harder than it looks on paper.

keepinon

Oh tell me about it! You walk a really fine line w/minimal contact. But, no contact is hard too and with minimal contact I feel like I am more ok if things took a tragic turn.

thequest

That's a tuff call/decision but I think you would've been right either way.

We've got the no money thing down and the problem one understands that although he'll do 'feelers' for money. The way he talks you can tell he's hoping you'll just offer up money for that situation but he doesn't ask anymore which is good. He still asks for other favors but we're setting our foot down on those as well.

summer09

wow - you are amazing. i am handing out money left, right and centre and to agreeing to things that are definitely enabling. so can't wait to be in your zone!

hello-kitty

First off (personal vent) it's such B.S. when you offer to do something nice for someone and then they push you for more more more. It's such typical addict behavior - that sense of entitlement and do-more-for-me attitude. Give an inch and they try to take a mile.

Now my real post - I think it is absolutely wonderful that you are staying true to your values and your conscience. That is absolutely admirable. When your son finds recovery he will appreciate your toughness and your stick-to-itiveness.

thequest

Not amazing just lucky to this point. Like I said he still test the waters on a routine basis. I just ignore him.

What really worked here is that besides saying no and/or ignoring requests and fishing expeditions he was told straight up it doesn't look good him owing, borrowing & spending money like 'a player' or jet setter while on unemployment and owing all the money he does. He even tried catching up on his loans A LITTLE after that and had the gaul to complain if I hadn't made this payment I could've made that payment. He expects family to forgive & forget all his loans.

summer I wouldn't disown this person yet but start putting your foot down loans of anykind AND IGNORE their fishing expediations. It took awhile but especially when others do the samething it becomes easier because the problem ones start getting the message. I'm worrying what's going to happen when I don't see resentment or anger because it's then I think he'll go beyond lying and stories to flat out stealing.

Good Luck!!!