Need help where to go from here
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
Need help where to go from here
I started dating a recovered alcoholic , got pregnant on my third date . I had the baby and although he moved i'n a helped with some of the bills his main focus was himself. I gave everything I had to him and he never seemed to respect me or our daughter. He frequently list his jobs due to his anger and laziness and would find some way to blame me . Everything from I didn't cook him the right dinner to I didn't get the baby to stop crying. He never helped with her and often he would not get put of bed for weeks ata time. He would go to meetings and it seemed like that was all he was interested i'n doing.
I ended up cheating on him and he found out . He left me and our 15 month old without food electricity or contact for over a month. It has been four months and neither of us are dating and he said my actions will determine if we have a relationship. He was also physically abusive . I am taking care of the baby alone and he hangs out at coffee shops, plays i'n a band and gets his daughter twice a week for a few hours. He doesn't want me to talk to him about anything until he says that he is ready .
I am not sure if this is a control thing for him , but I also want to have hope that he is working on resolving his anger at my cheating. I don't know how much time I should wait , and he keeps urging me to be patient. I know I was wrong cheating but I felt so unloved and alone. I just want a family and am so desperate for him to forgive me . Then I know that things will just return back to how they were before, but that is better than being alone.
Any help would mean a lot to me
I ended up cheating on him and he found out . He left me and our 15 month old without food electricity or contact for over a month. It has been four months and neither of us are dating and he said my actions will determine if we have a relationship. He was also physically abusive . I am taking care of the baby alone and he hangs out at coffee shops, plays i'n a band and gets his daughter twice a week for a few hours. He doesn't want me to talk to him about anything until he says that he is ready .
I am not sure if this is a control thing for him , but I also want to have hope that he is working on resolving his anger at my cheating. I don't know how much time I should wait , and he keeps urging me to be patient. I know I was wrong cheating but I felt so unloved and alone. I just want a family and am so desperate for him to forgive me . Then I know that things will just return back to how they were before, but that is better than being alone.
Any help would mean a lot to me
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
I just wanted to say that I working on not being codependent and am starting meetings. I just want to know if anyone else has dealt with this and if it ever turned out well. He is not using and he is more kind to me now i'n the way that he talks to me (ie.. He isn't calling me a ***** anymore) and he is supporting his child.
I am just lost as how to view the situation , should I start dating and planning a life without him as a part. Or do I wait for him and be patient and show him through my actions , that I care.
I am just lost as how to view the situation , should I start dating and planning a life without him as a part. Or do I wait for him and be patient and show him through my actions , that I care.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Plan your life as the best single mother you can be.
I would never plan a life or think I could depend on someone who is verbally and/or physically abusive.
I would never plan a life or think I could depend on someone who is unavailable.
Take lots of time and do the work to get as healthy and independent as you can. Then one day you will attract this into your life.
I know it is hard to raise a baby by yourself. Do you have friends or family nearby ?
I would never plan a life or think I could depend on someone who is verbally and/or physically abusive.
I would never plan a life or think I could depend on someone who is unavailable.
Take lots of time and do the work to get as healthy and independent as you can. Then one day you will attract this into your life.
I know it is hard to raise a baby by yourself. Do you have friends or family nearby ?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Well, welcome to Sober Recovery,
Austinchica!
You have found a great forum. There is lots of support here, as many of us have gone through very similar things that you are now. The emotional pieces of what we have, and are, going through, are the same. We understand.
Some of us are seemingly light years from the hurt and confusion, and have found the light at the end of the tunnel, and bask in it. Some of us are just starting out, and many are in stages in between. The beautiful thing is we can all help each other.
What you said:
[COLOR="Red"] Then I know that things will just return back to how they were before, but that is better than being alone. [/COLOR is telling.
Have you considered entering therapy to discover why you are willing to settle for someone who is self-centered and treats you badly? You might get some clarity and strength to take better care of yourself and your young, vulnerable child.
Welcome.
Austinchica!
You have found a great forum. There is lots of support here, as many of us have gone through very similar things that you are now. The emotional pieces of what we have, and are, going through, are the same. We understand.
Some of us are seemingly light years from the hurt and confusion, and have found the light at the end of the tunnel, and bask in it. Some of us are just starting out, and many are in stages in between. The beautiful thing is we can all help each other.
What you said:
[COLOR="Red"] Then I know that things will just return back to how they were before, but that is better than being alone. [/COLOR is telling.
Have you considered entering therapy to discover why you are willing to settle for someone who is self-centered and treats you badly? You might get some clarity and strength to take better care of yourself and your young, vulnerable child.
Welcome.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 82
You and your daughter deserve better. You give him everything, and he gives you nothing. All he does is take from you and make your life miserable. You don't need that person in your life. Those people are soul suckers. All they do is suck you dry and take away your positivity and happiness. Maybe you don't need a guy in your life right now. Maybe this is your time to find yourself and be the best mother you can be. When it's your time to meet a great guy, you will. Focus on yourself. Do things that make you happy. Let him go once and for all.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
I'm trying...:)
The reason I want to wait for him is because I feel guilty about cheating and want to show him that I was i'n love with him and willing to be patient if he was working on his issues. It's hard for me to plan a life without hoping that everything will magically get better. I know everyone is right about just moving on , but part of me looks at him and still sees the sweet ,funny guy who I can't let go.
I'm glad there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and i'n fact life has been getting better . I am getting healthier mentally and spend way less time preoccupied about him.
I want to know if both people get therapy would having a family be a possibility. Or most likely not?
I also feel like the fact that he is saying that we have to work on rebuilding trust once he let's go of the anger at my cheating shows that he is improving because normally he would just call me names , but he is being more controlled and positive. Which could be actual growth from the counselor he's been talking to , or it could be part of the cycle.
Thanks for your input. Sometimes it all seems so clear but seeing him yesterday made me feel like I was the one who ruined a family by cheating, and it was hard for me to handle .
I'm glad there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and i'n fact life has been getting better . I am getting healthier mentally and spend way less time preoccupied about him.
I want to know if both people get therapy would having a family be a possibility. Or most likely not?
I also feel like the fact that he is saying that we have to work on rebuilding trust once he let's go of the anger at my cheating shows that he is improving because normally he would just call me names , but he is being more controlled and positive. Which could be actual growth from the counselor he's been talking to , or it could be part of the cycle.
Thanks for your input. Sometimes it all seems so clear but seeing him yesterday made me feel like I was the one who ruined a family by cheating, and it was hard for me to handle .
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Austinchica 
It's hard for me to plan a life without hoping that everything will magically get better.
Originally Posted by Austinchica
I just want a family and am so desperate for him to forgive me .
Then I know that things will just return back to how they were before, but that is better than being alone.
Then I know that things will just return back to how they were before, but that is better than being alone.
Put aside this fantasy of sweetness and see him for who he really is:
His lack of respect for you and your child
His inability to hold down a job due to anger and laziness
His laying in bed for weeeks at a time ( serious depression )
His physical abuse of you which could, over time, extend to your child.
His manipulation of you to project this as being all your fault.
That you view this as a better alternative to being alone and taking responsibility for yourself and child is an area that needs some serious work. I don't know you, yet I know you deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing.
I am not reading anything here that resembles a balanced relationship. Your decision to have a fling sounds like an impulse to make youself feel better in the moment without regard for the consequences, not unlike the impulsive actions which caused your current predictiment.
Relying on a fantasy that this guy is going to change and somehow absolve you from taking responsibility for your own life is unhealthy for both you and your child.
Court -ordered child support is necessary to provide for your child. Public agencies can help you obtain this. Even in this dismal economy, there remains more opportunities here, than just about anywhere else on earth, to acquire and engage the skills you need to take responsibility for yourself.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
Thank you , I am taking these things to heart and it's making me feel like crying but stronger at the same time. He has been paying her child support (his parents are wealthy) . I do work , I am trying to stay out of any relationships and avoid drinking or any other numbing outlet to escape these emotions.
I am very intent on not showing my daughter the lack of self-respect that I have
For myself. I try to remain strong and positive and focused on continuing to improve my position.
But late at night after she goes to bed , and when I see other happy families at the park or restetaunts I feel so alone . Why couldn't I give that to my daughter ?
I feel like i cheated her and that if there's any chance he is changing his patterns then we can be one of those families that I see.
I am working on giving up that dream but at what point do you give up and say there is no hope for it?
I feel it would be easier if I could just know one way or the other instead of carrying any hope that both of us will change . But I know that people can change if they work at .
Obviously, I need to keep reading codependent no more and attending meetings and doing things to get stronger . But until my meeting I am sitting here wondering all of these things.
Another factor that weighs on me , is that my aunt offered to provide me with a well paying job i'n another state and to pay for housing and get my daughter into private school .my daughter and I are doing ok i'n Texas but don't have the support we would closer to family.
My ex said that if I take her out of state he will have his father get the best lawyers to take get away from me and it will destroy any chance of us working out our issues. So I very much feel pressured to figure put if leaving and having more opportunity would be worth all of the drama .
Feel free to be brutally honest with me because I wouldike to understand what I need to focus on and if anyone has gone through the same issues.
I am very intent on not showing my daughter the lack of self-respect that I have
For myself. I try to remain strong and positive and focused on continuing to improve my position.
But late at night after she goes to bed , and when I see other happy families at the park or restetaunts I feel so alone . Why couldn't I give that to my daughter ?
I feel like i cheated her and that if there's any chance he is changing his patterns then we can be one of those families that I see.
I am working on giving up that dream but at what point do you give up and say there is no hope for it?
I feel it would be easier if I could just know one way or the other instead of carrying any hope that both of us will change . But I know that people can change if they work at .
Obviously, I need to keep reading codependent no more and attending meetings and doing things to get stronger . But until my meeting I am sitting here wondering all of these things.
Another factor that weighs on me , is that my aunt offered to provide me with a well paying job i'n another state and to pay for housing and get my daughter into private school .my daughter and I are doing ok i'n Texas but don't have the support we would closer to family.
My ex said that if I take her out of state he will have his father get the best lawyers to take get away from me and it will destroy any chance of us working out our issues. So I very much feel pressured to figure put if leaving and having more opportunity would be worth all of the drama .
Feel free to be brutally honest with me because I wouldike to understand what I need to focus on and if anyone has gone through the same issues.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: the moon, milky way
Posts: 1,250
"he said my actions will determine if we have a relationship. He was also physically abusive . I am taking care of the baby alone and he hangs out at coffee shops, plays i'n a band and gets his daughter twice a week for a few hours. He doesn't want me to talk to him about anything until he says that he is ready ."
Classic abuse pattern. Abuse is about control and withholding. Please get help, therapy or what not. It is NEVER ok to hit a woman. Ever. Regardless of what they do or don't do. As someone pointed out, his physical abuse could extend to his child later on. In fact, an abuser typically will begin to hit their children. Abuse is about violence and control. Not love sweetie. Posting here is a great start, keep posting!!
Classic abuse pattern. Abuse is about control and withholding. Please get help, therapy or what not. It is NEVER ok to hit a woman. Ever. Regardless of what they do or don't do. As someone pointed out, his physical abuse could extend to his child later on. In fact, an abuser typically will begin to hit their children. Abuse is about violence and control. Not love sweetie. Posting here is a great start, keep posting!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
But I know that people can change if they work at .
you know something is wrong, but not able to quite put your finger on it, keep coming back and you will see it is all about you, and extends from you to your child.
Abuse is about control and withholding. Please get help, therapy or what not.
I speak from experience from both sides.
Beth
PS Be good to yourself.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
[QUOTE=Austinchica;2745736]
But late at night after she goes to bed , and when I see other happy families at the park or restetaunts I feel so alone . Why couldn't I give that to my daughter ?
I feel like i cheated her and that if there's any chance he is changing his patterns then we can be one of those families that I see.
I am working on giving up that dream but at what point do you give up and say there is no hope for it?
Comparing your situation with your perceptions ( most certainly not reality) of other people's situations is a loser's game and you are not a loser.
Absolutely no reason why YOU can't give your daughter a solid family life. It most certainly does not depend on her bio dad or any man, for that matter.
I feel it would be easier if I could just know one way or the other instead of carrying any hope that both of us will change . But I know that people can change if they work at .
Easy is another concept associated with immaturity. Hoping you will change is wishful thinking without action to change. Hoping he will change is a waste of time.
Another factor that weighs on me , is that my aunt offered to provide me with a well paying job i'n another state and to pay for housing and get my daughter into private school .my daughter and I are doing ok i'n Texas but don't have the support we would closer to family.
My ex said that if I take her out of state he will have his father get the best lawyers to take get away from me and it will destroy any chance of us working out our issues. So I very much feel pressured to figure put if leaving and having more opportunity would be worth all of the drama . /QUOTE]
It's lawyer time. Has he established he is the bio dad? Is there a paternity document in place. Is there a legal custody agreement? We know there is no court order for child support.
Putting aside your fantasies about the future, how likely is it that grandpa is going to cough up $$$ to hunt you down and pursue custody? How likely would a court award him custody given his issues?
Sounds like this is all about controlling you as opposed to acting in the best interests of the child. If it were me, I would be gone with the child, in a heartbeat. That's me. Only you can do what is in your own best interests and that of your daughter. What ever it is, please consider doing so without the rose colored glasses and wishful thinking.
Avoiding alcohol, drugs and impulsive relationships to numb yourself demonstrates a keen insight to what's going on in your life. You clearly have what it takes to be a great mother and role model, if you allow yourself to do so.
But late at night after she goes to bed , and when I see other happy families at the park or restetaunts I feel so alone . Why couldn't I give that to my daughter ?
I feel like i cheated her and that if there's any chance he is changing his patterns then we can be one of those families that I see.
I am working on giving up that dream but at what point do you give up and say there is no hope for it?
Comparing your situation with your perceptions ( most certainly not reality) of other people's situations is a loser's game and you are not a loser.
Absolutely no reason why YOU can't give your daughter a solid family life. It most certainly does not depend on her bio dad or any man, for that matter.
I feel it would be easier if I could just know one way or the other instead of carrying any hope that both of us will change . But I know that people can change if they work at .
Easy is another concept associated with immaturity. Hoping you will change is wishful thinking without action to change. Hoping he will change is a waste of time.
Another factor that weighs on me , is that my aunt offered to provide me with a well paying job i'n another state and to pay for housing and get my daughter into private school .my daughter and I are doing ok i'n Texas but don't have the support we would closer to family.
My ex said that if I take her out of state he will have his father get the best lawyers to take get away from me and it will destroy any chance of us working out our issues. So I very much feel pressured to figure put if leaving and having more opportunity would be worth all of the drama . /QUOTE]
It's lawyer time. Has he established he is the bio dad? Is there a paternity document in place. Is there a legal custody agreement? We know there is no court order for child support.
Putting aside your fantasies about the future, how likely is it that grandpa is going to cough up $$$ to hunt you down and pursue custody? How likely would a court award him custody given his issues?
Sounds like this is all about controlling you as opposed to acting in the best interests of the child. If it were me, I would be gone with the child, in a heartbeat. That's me. Only you can do what is in your own best interests and that of your daughter. What ever it is, please consider doing so without the rose colored glasses and wishful thinking.
Avoiding alcohol, drugs and impulsive relationships to numb yourself demonstrates a keen insight to what's going on in your life. You clearly have what it takes to be a great mother and role model, if you allow yourself to do so.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Idaho
Posts: 12
Austinchica...I can relate in so many ways with you. Keep reaching out and you will find your answers.
What I'm reading between the lines is that you are "waiting" to see what he's going to do or say first without regard to how YOU feel and what YOU want or what's best for YOU. That is typical behavior from one who has been in an abusive relationship. By doing so and being like that, we hand over even more control to our abusers.
As soon as you can look and see through clear glass (from within yourself) instead of through tinted glass (through him), you will be able to find the answers you seek.
What I'm reading between the lines is that you are "waiting" to see what he's going to do or say first without regard to how YOU feel and what YOU want or what's best for YOU. That is typical behavior from one who has been in an abusive relationship. By doing so and being like that, we hand over even more control to our abusers.
As soon as you can look and see through clear glass (from within yourself) instead of through tinted glass (through him), you will be able to find the answers you seek.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
Thank you ! It's getting more clear to me that my situation and his behavior aren't "special" and it's just typical abuser patterns over and over . I went to an alanon meeting and texted him because we try to avoid going to meetings at the same time. (he goes to aa twice a day ), I go to the only one that has childcare. He decided that by me going and afterwards texting him that he doesn't get call me a ***** or tell me that I make him sick when o drop off our daughter for visitation . ( he does this one i'n four times) . So I drop her off on my way to work i'n the morning and he decided to punish me by not being there 
I had to find last minute Childcare . I told him he no longer has the right to make arrangements through me to see her and he should go to court because it was the last straw .
I feel he did this to punish me for going to a meeting and getting stronger. I seeing things i'n terms of power and control more and more each day.
I think of the past and realize that I considered the absence of abuse as him being nice to me , lol.
He was nice to me when he didn't call me names or yell at me ! He will never be nice to me i'n a meaningful way except when he wants something from me .
I feel alot less crazy and alone knowing that I am not crazy or to blame . I have tried to change myself i'n aillion different ways for this man , and I don't even know who I am or what I believe i'n anymore. All I know is I feel sick and I want better than he can give me
I had to find last minute Childcare . I told him he no longer has the right to make arrangements through me to see her and he should go to court because it was the last straw . I feel he did this to punish me for going to a meeting and getting stronger. I seeing things i'n terms of power and control more and more each day.
I think of the past and realize that I considered the absence of abuse as him being nice to me , lol.
He was nice to me when he didn't call me names or yell at me ! He will never be nice to me i'n a meaningful way except when he wants something from me .
I feel alot less crazy and alone knowing that I am not crazy or to blame . I have tried to change myself i'n aillion different ways for this man , and I don't even know who I am or what I believe i'n anymore. All I know is I feel sick and I want better than he can give me
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Austinchica
I feel he did this to punish me for going to a meeting and getting stronger. I seeing things i'n terms of power and control more and more each day.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Austinchica!
Consider yourself a lucky gal if this person is out of your life! Believe me, he is an addict that has not quit using. He is displaying typical "addict" behavior. You and your child deserve a good life. I would not trust him with the child either.
I pray you make a plan and get out of this situation as soon as possible.
He is a controller, and when a controller sees you getting strong you become a threat to him/her.
YOU DESERVE BETTER AND SO DOES YOUR CHILD!
Please keep us informed.
Hugs, Devastated
Consider yourself a lucky gal if this person is out of your life! Believe me, he is an addict that has not quit using. He is displaying typical "addict" behavior. You and your child deserve a good life. I would not trust him with the child either.
I pray you make a plan and get out of this situation as soon as possible.
He is a controller, and when a controller sees you getting strong you become a threat to him/her.
YOU DESERVE BETTER AND SO DOES YOUR CHILD!
Please keep us informed.
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Hi Austin,
I left the others offer you advice to first posts as I coud not trust myself not to give an irrational opinion which I have no right to do.
BUT, now you're talkin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good woman!!!!
Keep going to f and f forum and keep posting. You are a quick study!
I am delighted at how you are working, going to meetings, and NOT succumbing to substances.
Now, who is powerful????!!!!!!
I would consider whether he is safe to leave your child with though. He sounds very unstable. Just because he talks tough doesn't make him sane. As for his meetings, I think he might be needing to get a refund as he obviously is learning nothing.
I left the others offer you advice to first posts as I coud not trust myself not to give an irrational opinion which I have no right to do.
BUT, now you're talkin'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good woman!!!!
Keep going to f and f forum and keep posting. You are a quick study!
I am delighted at how you are working, going to meetings, and NOT succumbing to substances.
Now, who is powerful????!!!!!!
I would consider whether he is safe to leave your child with though. He sounds very unstable. Just because he talks tough doesn't make him sane. As for his meetings, I think he might be needing to get a refund as he obviously is learning nothing.
Last edited by Hollyanne; 10-25-2010 at 05:48 PM. Reason: spelling
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
It's the hoping that he is learning and getting better, that has kept me involved with him through the years. Nothing is better than it was three years ago. Not one single thing.
I never felt strong enough and always blamed myself . I am not even in his life at all and he continues to act the same way.
I think the only thing I love about him is his smile.. it makes me feel like there is a nice person behind it, and then I am back to thinking he has changed. I don't smile at people I hate, and he treats me, like I would treat my worst enemy.
I never felt strong enough and always blamed myself . I am not even in his life at all and he continues to act the same way.
I think the only thing I love about him is his smile.. it makes me feel like there is a nice person behind it, and then I am back to thinking he has changed. I don't smile at people I hate, and he treats me, like I would treat my worst enemy.
I'm as bad as I want to be...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Atx
Posts: 45
Originally Posted by devastated
Austinchica!
. I would not trust him with the child either.
I pray you make a plan and get out of this situation as soon as possible.
He is a controller, and when a controller sees you getting strong you become a threat to him/her.
. I would not trust him with the child either.
I pray you make a plan and get out of this situation as soon as possible.
He is a controller, and when a controller sees you getting strong you become a threat to him/her.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Idaho
Posts: 12
I've learned in my 57 years to trust my instincts as a woman and more importantly as a mother. My instincts usually never mislead me. Unfortunately all the times I instinctively thought my AD was having issues with alcohol, drugs or problems with her abusive BF, it was always true.
We are all the little ones have to keep them safe and free from abuse and harm.
We are all the little ones have to keep them safe and free from abuse and harm.
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