My AH is in!

Old 10-21-2010, 10:21 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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Unhappy My AH is in!

So, my AH has been in Rehab out of state for 1 week now and we both have a long way to go in our recoveries. For the 6 yrs we have been married, it has been mostly lies, hiding and drugs on his part...and me enabling. I just started going to Al Anon a couple months ago and started on this site; both have helped tremendously! (so grateful) In the last 6 yrs of our marriage, my AH has cheated 3x while using...I don't know if this is pretty common in addicts/alchoholics?

Also, b/c the last yr has been so repetitive with his drug use and being in and out of the house, I have basically been a single mom....(kuddos to those that do it everyday!) With my AH being gone so much, the last couple months I have found myself thinking of how another man could play into my life and give me the emotional/physical support I deserve and be there for our I have contemplated divorce on a daily basis. I have been fiercely loyal to my husband up to this point. When my AH took up the chance to go to Rehab we were going to drive up there together without kids...but day before he was gone using, out and about not thinking about his sons or me... I was sad and angry and the night before he left for rehab, I kicked him out and told him I didn't want to drive up there with him. ( I just was totally numb) Anyways, LONG STORY SHORT, SORRY! that a couple of days after he left, I found a guy online who I knew a couple yrs ago from the bank. He has a son same age as my oldest and even though I am still married, I go and start texting this other man. I am dealing with a HUGE load of guilt....its only been a week since I have been texting this other guy and its been mostly just friendly texts (but I know my Father in Heaven is not happy with me and Im not happy with me!) I dont know what to do! I have also kissed this guy but nothing else. And, I told him last night that if he cares about me at all, to please stop contacting me b/c I am in no mental position to be all mixed up about my emotions with my AH and someone else. Right????
my AH called me last night and I was excited to talk to him. It was nice to hear his voice. I just don't know if it is repairable, especially since there has been infidelity on my part now.

someone, share their story to me if you have any insight or have been through something similiar. I am too embarassed to talk to my friends face to face at al anon....Im a train wreck. Also, eventually, Im going to have to tell my AH. Is there a better time to share that with him? While he is in rehab or months down the road????

(Ahhhh, that felt good to get off my chest.)
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Old 10-21-2010, 10:41 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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I have not been going through this with my AH for as long as you, but have been thinking the same thing. I think how nice it would be to have a partner that was a true partner. To have a conversation with my husband/partner and not have to always wonder what was the truth and what was lies. To be able to leave the kids with him and not worry. To not feel so alone and to feel I was loved.

I am not sure what to say about when or if to tell him. I am not sure if you are seeing a counselor, but if not maybe that would help. I know going to see my counselor has been helping me a lot in dealing with my emotions. I myself am still not sure if I will want to be with him when he is clean and finishes his program. I try to just think of today at this point and keep myself busy and occupied mostly with my kids.

Praying you find your answer
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Old 10-21-2010, 11:09 AM
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Avoiding a new relationship at this emotionally fragile time sounds like sound judgment, all thing considered.

Might it be better to focus your time and energy on healing yourself and children from the very real trauma of living with someone active in addiction?

No idea what kind of program your husband is in or for how long. Rehab is not a cure. The real hard part starts afterwards and he owns his own recovery.
Perhaps one on one, face to face, counseling can help you decide if you can accept your husband as he is instead of how you want him to be.

As it relates to the infidelity thing, I am one of those who believes that confessing serves only one person, the confessor. There may be healthier ways for you to manage the guilt.
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Old 10-21-2010, 12:42 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
As it relates to the infidelity thing, I am one of those who believes that confessing serves only one person, the confessor. There may be healthier ways for you to manage the guilt.
I have to agree here, and with everyone who said that right now, you need to worry about you and the kids, not your relationship.

Personally, I don't think what you've done makes anything irrepairable. You were weak, you needed a friend and it went a tad too far. It happens, your human, forgive yourself and move on.

I'm not saying that this is the case, but several times in my life I've found myself drawn into extra drama/crisis, in order to get my mind off of the drama/crisis at hand.
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Old 10-21-2010, 09:12 PM
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Cece---that is a super point...the mind is very powerful and does crazy things to stay healthy. I could see me getting into other drama to avoid this huge crisis happening currently.

Out to Lunch--I never thought of confessing only being for the confessor but that makes me see a different husband will at least be in treatment through December, but most likely til next march, out of state. I don't see myself telling him something like this during the treatment process or the 1st yr b/c I heard that is the toughest. I do realize rehab is not a cure. Ive thought of all of it...

Thanks for all your advice. it means a lot.
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