Live and Learn+ Girlfiend's sabatoge AS recovery
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Live and Learn+ Girlfiend's sabatoge AS recovery
Wanted to share about what happens when I let down boundaries hoping it will be different or that I'm doing the right thing.
My AS showed up yesterday with his girlfriend to use my computer to job hunt and update his resume. He called about 20 minutes prior, I said I was leaving soon, later better, but my ex husband was driving them and dropping them off anyway. (Typical for my ex..undermine everything I do, trample boundaries, etc....gee you think my son picked up some of this after all these years!)
Anyway, they showed up, told them I was leaving soon. My 18yr old was home and basically sort of stuck around to 'supervise' so I could go, even though we didn't actually discuss it. Later, I realized it wasn't fair to my youngest son, his life shouldn't be controlled by his brother's addiction and since the girlfriend was there with my AS I texted my younger son he could go if he had things to do, which he did. (Girlfriend is who AS lives with now and has been like a watchdog with him)
When I returned everyone was gone. Did the usual search around for signs of his using. A little later my AS,his girlfriend, and younger son returned together. AS and girlfriend waited at my house for their ride back to her house. Asked AS if he wanted to use the computer for more job searches while he was there, but no....3 jobs was enough. Turns out girlfriend has a laptop and they are going to her uncle's house tomorrow to use his set up . (Hurray! No more excuses to be here!)
AS seemed relaxed, not as hyper anxious as he was when he first arrived earlier. I kept looking at him trying to believe he really wanted to get a job, how remarkable he looked considering his recent using, etc, but couldn't help noticing how he wouldn't really make eye contact with me or connect. I still wanted to try and be supportive of my AS efforts to do the right thing and the fact that he was sober, without really mentioning it, but by letting him be there a while. Guess I was sort of testing the situation too...while trying to give him credit for seeming to do the right thing. When they were leaving I gave him 2 dollars for bus fare and so he'd have something. I felt I was rewarding him for being sober and job searching and guess I had to let him know I still care, forgetting that really caring is not enabling. he can wait till the 10th for his GR check to come in. And here I am with my hours cut to one day a week wondering about rent, while I'm waiting to hear about job oppts. Duh me!
Well, I should have searched more thoroughly. Turns out somehow, probably while girlfriend in bathroom, AS went through my drawer and found the few tylenol/codeine I had gotten from the dentist recently and took all of them. Greedy SOB couldn't even just take a few to 'tide'him over and leave me some for my pain. I think he also took some of the laundry quarters I had stashed. WEll, like I say, live and learn. Have to find out my way how this works. Even if others advise to meet him outside house etc...had to see for myself, part of my growth.
Also, another part of me wanted my younger son to have a good lasting impression of my AS, since he seemed ok andthe last time he was completely out of it high and it was an ugly scene. Also, on the other hand I'm trying not to put too much on younger son to protect our home ground. When exH dumps on me like he did at the last minute it's hard to figure what to do and I guess not make an ugly scene. Well, I'm done with worrying about whether or not there will be an ugly scene......I'm just not going to let him come over anymore and that will take care of it. If he does, he'll have to go, whatever scene plays out.
Anyway, I decided not to even bother to let AS know right now about my 'discovery'. Maybe later. For now I know that there's no more home visits here.....my gut feelings about his motives and need to use were right, but I felt I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's what mothers do. Naturally we have hope for our children and hope they'll see the light. Now I see he's still caught up and I can firmly distance myself and my younger son from his disease.
Still frustrated at some level that girlfriend is preventing him from reaching bottom....but that's their problem. (Actually she has helped sabatoge his recovery several times before.....she's most of the reason he had to leave rehab because he didn't come back from her house before rehab curfew and stayed overnight, was there for him to spend the weekend with him per his request just before going into sober living, and then he blew it there, on our way to rehab after his detox, she told him on the phone about some guy hitting on or harrassing her, so naturally he wanted to get back and 'save and secure her', (another excuse not to got), how she was ok about him not going to rehab so they could spend her birthday, and then later his birthday with her, etc......) I'm not blaming AS using on her, but she just makes it easier for him to never follow through with the help he needs. I'm sure the fact that most of her family, including grandparents are/were addicts (meth, heroin, etc) and alcoholics has made her more co-dependent than she even realized. Go figure the odds of her pairing up with my AS while he was in recovery and now trying to control and save him. I understand the dynamic, a but I can't do anything about it. It's really sad to see them together. He's just using her and playing her so he won't be homeless, gets a free place to stay, other than using some of his food stamps to contribute to household, while they continue to play the game of his using and her trying to save him. Guess it might eventually play out....and will be just another kind of bottom, maybe for both of them, or it may go on for a lot longer. I have told her about this website and meeting groups so she can connect with people going through the same thing and have told her that he really needs to be in rehab in the past but she's not interested. It's sad to see they're both using eachother for different reasons, but I know it's not a new story in matters of addiction and codies. Whatever. He's 23 and he's an adult and this is the choice he makes. Just seeing what's going on with them and recognizing I have no power over it is just another part of my growth and learning to detach.
My AS showed up yesterday with his girlfriend to use my computer to job hunt and update his resume. He called about 20 minutes prior, I said I was leaving soon, later better, but my ex husband was driving them and dropping them off anyway. (Typical for my ex..undermine everything I do, trample boundaries, etc....gee you think my son picked up some of this after all these years!)
Anyway, they showed up, told them I was leaving soon. My 18yr old was home and basically sort of stuck around to 'supervise' so I could go, even though we didn't actually discuss it. Later, I realized it wasn't fair to my youngest son, his life shouldn't be controlled by his brother's addiction and since the girlfriend was there with my AS I texted my younger son he could go if he had things to do, which he did. (Girlfriend is who AS lives with now and has been like a watchdog with him)
When I returned everyone was gone. Did the usual search around for signs of his using. A little later my AS,his girlfriend, and younger son returned together. AS and girlfriend waited at my house for their ride back to her house. Asked AS if he wanted to use the computer for more job searches while he was there, but no....3 jobs was enough. Turns out girlfriend has a laptop and they are going to her uncle's house tomorrow to use his set up . (Hurray! No more excuses to be here!)
AS seemed relaxed, not as hyper anxious as he was when he first arrived earlier. I kept looking at him trying to believe he really wanted to get a job, how remarkable he looked considering his recent using, etc, but couldn't help noticing how he wouldn't really make eye contact with me or connect. I still wanted to try and be supportive of my AS efforts to do the right thing and the fact that he was sober, without really mentioning it, but by letting him be there a while. Guess I was sort of testing the situation too...while trying to give him credit for seeming to do the right thing. When they were leaving I gave him 2 dollars for bus fare and so he'd have something. I felt I was rewarding him for being sober and job searching and guess I had to let him know I still care, forgetting that really caring is not enabling. he can wait till the 10th for his GR check to come in. And here I am with my hours cut to one day a week wondering about rent, while I'm waiting to hear about job oppts. Duh me!
Well, I should have searched more thoroughly. Turns out somehow, probably while girlfriend in bathroom, AS went through my drawer and found the few tylenol/codeine I had gotten from the dentist recently and took all of them. Greedy SOB couldn't even just take a few to 'tide'him over and leave me some for my pain. I think he also took some of the laundry quarters I had stashed. WEll, like I say, live and learn. Have to find out my way how this works. Even if others advise to meet him outside house etc...had to see for myself, part of my growth.
Also, another part of me wanted my younger son to have a good lasting impression of my AS, since he seemed ok andthe last time he was completely out of it high and it was an ugly scene. Also, on the other hand I'm trying not to put too much on younger son to protect our home ground. When exH dumps on me like he did at the last minute it's hard to figure what to do and I guess not make an ugly scene. Well, I'm done with worrying about whether or not there will be an ugly scene......I'm just not going to let him come over anymore and that will take care of it. If he does, he'll have to go, whatever scene plays out.
Anyway, I decided not to even bother to let AS know right now about my 'discovery'. Maybe later. For now I know that there's no more home visits here.....my gut feelings about his motives and need to use were right, but I felt I had to give him the benefit of the doubt. It's what mothers do. Naturally we have hope for our children and hope they'll see the light. Now I see he's still caught up and I can firmly distance myself and my younger son from his disease.
Still frustrated at some level that girlfriend is preventing him from reaching bottom....but that's their problem. (Actually she has helped sabatoge his recovery several times before.....she's most of the reason he had to leave rehab because he didn't come back from her house before rehab curfew and stayed overnight, was there for him to spend the weekend with him per his request just before going into sober living, and then he blew it there, on our way to rehab after his detox, she told him on the phone about some guy hitting on or harrassing her, so naturally he wanted to get back and 'save and secure her', (another excuse not to got), how she was ok about him not going to rehab so they could spend her birthday, and then later his birthday with her, etc......) I'm not blaming AS using on her, but she just makes it easier for him to never follow through with the help he needs. I'm sure the fact that most of her family, including grandparents are/were addicts (meth, heroin, etc) and alcoholics has made her more co-dependent than she even realized. Go figure the odds of her pairing up with my AS while he was in recovery and now trying to control and save him. I understand the dynamic, a but I can't do anything about it. It's really sad to see them together. He's just using her and playing her so he won't be homeless, gets a free place to stay, other than using some of his food stamps to contribute to household, while they continue to play the game of his using and her trying to save him. Guess it might eventually play out....and will be just another kind of bottom, maybe for both of them, or it may go on for a lot longer. I have told her about this website and meeting groups so she can connect with people going through the same thing and have told her that he really needs to be in rehab in the past but she's not interested. It's sad to see they're both using eachother for different reasons, but I know it's not a new story in matters of addiction and codies. Whatever. He's 23 and he's an adult and this is the choice he makes. Just seeing what's going on with them and recognizing I have no power over it is just another part of my growth and learning to detach.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Amazing how addicts and codies find each other..yikes. Well at least you have your home as a safe haven now for you and your other son. Us codies are just as stubborn as the addicts and have to see it for ourselves...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
UPdate: found out AS didn't take my medicine. Turns out younger son did!!! he took some and gave some to a friend because he hurt his wrist. Then he got mad at me because he thought I shouldn't have the medicine there and what do I need it for. Accused me of having problems with taking medicine before, (have ADHD and have been prescribed Adderall, as have my two sons). Told him sometimes the Tylenol codeine helps when my back pain flares up and that on occasion adderall is helpful when I need to focus for long periods of time, but that I really don't take it much anymore.
Point is, I told him, the bigger issue is the fact that he stole from me and could have gotten me in serious trouble if he was caught with medicined prescribed to me in a bottle labeled with my name, especially if he's giving it (or selling it?) to his friends. Had to remind him about boundaries and that stealing is absolutely not ok!! Boy am I glad I didn't call and blame AS. Now I have to watch out for younger son and pray.
Point is, I told him, the bigger issue is the fact that he stole from me and could have gotten me in serious trouble if he was caught with medicined prescribed to me in a bottle labeled with my name, especially if he's giving it (or selling it?) to his friends. Had to remind him about boundaries and that stealing is absolutely not ok!! Boy am I glad I didn't call and blame AS. Now I have to watch out for younger son and pray.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 52
I've had two back surgeries and take one pain pill and one muscle relaxer before bed to get the rest I need....no more, no less. After living with AS I have a very healthy respect for pain medications and the potential for abuse. But boy, have I learned the hard way to hide those suckers very well in my room, and when I leave the house, so does my medication. When a kid wants to swipe your meds to take them or sell them, they don't care that you will have to go without medication you actually need. It's probably natural for your younger son to have concerns about your taking meds - he's seen addiction firsthand. Maybe you can have a talk with him and explain that for most people medications serve a valid purpose when used properly, but for those people with an addiction they are to be avoided at all costs. Reassure him that you know the difference between taking the medicine only as needed for a medical condition and abusing a medication. Then put the fear of God into him if he helps himself to your medicine again "for a friend."
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
