When The Addict Comes Home
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Home is where my cat is...
Posts: 228
What to do to make a positive difference? I would try and avoid smothering her or treating her like a child. Concentrate on how to help her feel like an empowered adult who can conquer anything including making the right choice of friends and how to spend her time. Although 28 days isn't much in the grand scheme of things, please don't minimize this to her as I'm sure she is quite proud....and should be. Build off that to make her feel like she can kick life's butt and take names and that she can do anything she wants to. At the end of the day, that's what she's going to do anyway.
Disclaimer: Those were not meant to be hurtful statements. Just honest feedback that you asked for here in this thread.
Disclaimer: Those were not meant to be hurtful statements. Just honest feedback that you asked for here in this thread.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
What I know (and I'm pretty sure Suki does too!) are the dynamics of addiction. I have an addict daughter who went to rehab and then came home. If I didn't have alanon it would've been Armaggedon.You say you do not live close to a meeting. I do not live close to a good hospital, so I drive to one. When my daughter was in rehab, we drove 3 hrs. each way in one day to go to the family sessions. This is a progressive disease, one that can take you down with it. I would make it my priority to get to a meeting to save my life.
No one here is trying to have an attitude. We are here to offer experience,stregnth, and hope. We too, "have families that are like your next door neighbors". I actually found your tone to be the one that was "snotty". Word of advice about this site..check your ego at the door cuz people here are just trying to help each other live thru what seems to be unliveable.
No one here is trying to have an attitude. We are here to offer experience,stregnth, and hope. We too, "have families that are like your next door neighbors". I actually found your tone to be the one that was "snotty". Word of advice about this site..check your ego at the door cuz people here are just trying to help each other live thru what seems to be unliveable.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
You've gotten good advice so far. I don't have much to add to that.
I can try to add something about the spiritual aspect as I am an atheist. I tried some NarAnon meetings and it was a bit uncomfortable but the man who was running the meeting said something at my first one that I thought was kind of different. He said that if you don't believe or are uncomfortable with the higher power, just pretend there is one. That didn't quite work for me but it did make me realize that maybe I wasn't the only non believer in the group. It may work for your daughter.
The way I look at it is that, although I don't believe in any kind of higher power and can't even seem to pretend that I do, I do believe there are things that I, as a human being, am just not capable of controlling. Just the same way as I can't lift 200 pounds, I don't have any power over my son's addiction. Believe me, I've tried! Most of us have before we realized we just didn't. While I don't believe there is anyone 'up there' to help me out, I do believe we have limitations as humans. Addiction is one of those. Since no human can do it that means I am no exception to the rule. That is just a fact and I can grasp simple facts. I don't feel the need to 'turn it over' to a power but rather to chalk it up as undoable. Either way, the result is the same. The addict either improves or he doesn't. The parent either improves or they don't.
Also there is a Secular section on this forum. There are different ideas for doing this without or in addition to NA or NarAnon. One is called SMART recovery and there is a thread there where non religious people have done it other ways.
One thing I would recommend if you have your daughter at home is to hide your money/valuables. I know you said she has never stolen but sadly there is always a first time. I found that out the hard way.
Also, although some here don't recommend it, I purchased two different types of drug tests. I told my son (when he lived here) that one of my conditions was that he would submit to a drug test anytime his dad or I asked him to. If positive, he would have to leave. This wasn't for HIM. This was for US because we didn't want to be guessing if we suspected. We wanted to know for sure.
I hope something here helps.
Kari
P.S. If you decide to use the drug test idea, they are expensive but you won't have to use it so just buy one. If your daughter refuses to take it (like my son did), then you'll have your answer. Someone here told me where to buy them online and they were a lot cheaper than the drug store. I have forgotten where I got them but can go look it up. If you are interested, just ask.
I can try to add something about the spiritual aspect as I am an atheist. I tried some NarAnon meetings and it was a bit uncomfortable but the man who was running the meeting said something at my first one that I thought was kind of different. He said that if you don't believe or are uncomfortable with the higher power, just pretend there is one. That didn't quite work for me but it did make me realize that maybe I wasn't the only non believer in the group. It may work for your daughter.
The way I look at it is that, although I don't believe in any kind of higher power and can't even seem to pretend that I do, I do believe there are things that I, as a human being, am just not capable of controlling. Just the same way as I can't lift 200 pounds, I don't have any power over my son's addiction. Believe me, I've tried! Most of us have before we realized we just didn't. While I don't believe there is anyone 'up there' to help me out, I do believe we have limitations as humans. Addiction is one of those. Since no human can do it that means I am no exception to the rule. That is just a fact and I can grasp simple facts. I don't feel the need to 'turn it over' to a power but rather to chalk it up as undoable. Either way, the result is the same. The addict either improves or he doesn't. The parent either improves or they don't.
Also there is a Secular section on this forum. There are different ideas for doing this without or in addition to NA or NarAnon. One is called SMART recovery and there is a thread there where non religious people have done it other ways.
One thing I would recommend if you have your daughter at home is to hide your money/valuables. I know you said she has never stolen but sadly there is always a first time. I found that out the hard way.
Also, although some here don't recommend it, I purchased two different types of drug tests. I told my son (when he lived here) that one of my conditions was that he would submit to a drug test anytime his dad or I asked him to. If positive, he would have to leave. This wasn't for HIM. This was for US because we didn't want to be guessing if we suspected. We wanted to know for sure.
I hope something here helps.
Kari
P.S. If you decide to use the drug test idea, they are expensive but you won't have to use it so just buy one. If your daughter refuses to take it (like my son did), then you'll have your answer. Someone here told me where to buy them online and they were a lot cheaper than the drug store. I have forgotten where I got them but can go look it up. If you are interested, just ask.
Behind the Red Door
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
All-
I have apologized to suki in pm, but feel that since I made an ass out of myself in public, I should also apologize in public. My nerves are a bit raw right now, and I'm terribly sensitive.
Everyone is offering good advice, and it's appreciated.
I have apologized to suki in pm, but feel that since I made an ass out of myself in public, I should also apologize in public. My nerves are a bit raw right now, and I'm terribly sensitive.
Everyone is offering good advice, and it's appreciated.
Behind the Red Door
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by Chakra 
What to do to make a positive difference? I would try and avoid smothering her or treating her like a child. Concentrate on how to help her feel like an empowered adult who can conquer anything including making the right choice of friends and how to spend her time. Although 28 days isn't much in the grand scheme of things, please don't minimize this to her as I'm sure she is quite proud....and should be. Build off that to make her feel like she can kick life's butt and take names and that she can do anything she wants to. At the end of the day, that's what she's going to do anyway.
Disclaimer: Those were not meant to be hurtful statements. Just honest feedback that you asked for here in this thread.
Disclaimer: Those were not meant to be hurtful statements. Just honest feedback that you asked for here in this thread.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Home is where my cat is...
Posts: 228
Originally Posted by tormentedmirror
Not hurtful at all. I'm feeling better now. Thank you.
None of us are here because everything is O.K. lol It will be though. Keep your chin up lady!
<-----ok now, Group Hug!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Yes, nerves do get raw and I have had many times where I have had to apologize to my friends for stuff too. this is all VERY new for you and there is sooooo much to "get'. Detachment, getting out of the way, your own recovery (who even knew we were sick? well, its a family disease). I reccomend the books "co dependant no more" and Don't let your kids drive you crazy' both great books for parents of addicts. Hang in there..lots of good suggestions on this site....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hey there.....
First, I just want to say that I'm sorry that you are dealing with the pain and anguish that being the mother of an addict brings.
While my AS was in rehab almost four years ago, I found it very helpful to go to all of the family meetings and counseling sessions. It was the starting point for my own recovery.....not from drugs or alcohol but from the craziness that comes with being the parent of an addict. The sessions we attended helped us to understand our role and what we should or shouldn't do when he got out of rehab. They were an invaluable resource to my husband and I.
The most important thing I got from those meetings was that even in those short 28 days, my AS was shown the road map to recovery. He was taught and shown the tools to get clean and sober. That was a huge relief for me, as a mother, to know that I was providing the opportunity for him to recover.
Then I began trying (and it's not easy) to concentrate on myself and what changes I might need to make in myself. It seemed so foreign to me that I needed to make changes.....I wasn't the addict/alcoholic! Putting my energy toward reading about codependency/enabling helped me to understand what I needed to do. It helped answer those questions that you are asking in your initial post.
As with everything in Naranon and here in SR.....take what you need......and leave the rest. Not everyone is at the same point in their own recovery and some try to provide an accelerated course in codependence recovery. This is a difficult path that we all walk......we all walk it in our own way and at our own speed.......be kind and gentle with yourself.
gentle hugs
First, I just want to say that I'm sorry that you are dealing with the pain and anguish that being the mother of an addict brings.
While my AS was in rehab almost four years ago, I found it very helpful to go to all of the family meetings and counseling sessions. It was the starting point for my own recovery.....not from drugs or alcohol but from the craziness that comes with being the parent of an addict. The sessions we attended helped us to understand our role and what we should or shouldn't do when he got out of rehab. They were an invaluable resource to my husband and I.
The most important thing I got from those meetings was that even in those short 28 days, my AS was shown the road map to recovery. He was taught and shown the tools to get clean and sober. That was a huge relief for me, as a mother, to know that I was providing the opportunity for him to recover.
Then I began trying (and it's not easy) to concentrate on myself and what changes I might need to make in myself. It seemed so foreign to me that I needed to make changes.....I wasn't the addict/alcoholic! Putting my energy toward reading about codependency/enabling helped me to understand what I needed to do. It helped answer those questions that you are asking in your initial post.
As with everything in Naranon and here in SR.....take what you need......and leave the rest. Not everyone is at the same point in their own recovery and some try to provide an accelerated course in codependence recovery. This is a difficult path that we all walk......we all walk it in our own way and at our own speed.......be kind and gentle with yourself.
gentle hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello. It is so hard to have someone you care about go through this. Hugs to you. I will recommend something my husband and I are doing together, and separately. We attend a group called Celebrate Recovery. They have a session together for an hour then they split up and have different groups. I thought I was going to be supportive for him, but this has helped me every bit as much as it has helped my husband.
We attend different sessions in the second half of the meeting. My small group is for codependency. Women meet w/women, men w/men. It has been so great and I have developed skills to use while my husband has too. It is together for half of the evening so we feel like it is a family effort but gives you time on your own too. It may be something to look into as I think most areas try to have Celebrate Recovery. You can look up the web site and it will help you locate meetings. They typically last for two hours.
Good luck and God Bless. Truly we are here to support each other. No one wants to see you become the person in charge of her recovery. As my husband's counselor when he was in rehab told me, the one thing I could do for his recovery was to get the help I need to help myself and my children while he helps himself. Good Luck and God Bless! Feel free to contact me anytime.
We attend different sessions in the second half of the meeting. My small group is for codependency. Women meet w/women, men w/men. It has been so great and I have developed skills to use while my husband has too. It is together for half of the evening so we feel like it is a family effort but gives you time on your own too. It may be something to look into as I think most areas try to have Celebrate Recovery. You can look up the web site and it will help you locate meetings. They typically last for two hours.
Good luck and God Bless. Truly we are here to support each other. No one wants to see you become the person in charge of her recovery. As my husband's counselor when he was in rehab told me, the one thing I could do for his recovery was to get the help I need to help myself and my children while he helps himself. Good Luck and God Bless! Feel free to contact me anytime.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. Welcome.
If your daughter is agnostic and doesn't feel comfortable with the concept of a higher power, she may want to look into lifering recovery circles when she gets out.
http://lifering.org/
also
SMART recovery
SMART RecoveryŽ - Meetings In Your Area
Also, I highly recommend you look into Alanon or Codependents Anonymous. Addiction is a family disease and the best way to help your daughter is to focus on your own recovery. The deal with recovery from addiction is that the addict has to own it. If your daughter is ready, she'll stay clean. If not, there's nothing you can do to stop her from relapsing.
The individuals at this website have been through it all when it comes to addiction, and we will be here to support you no matter what happens.
If your daughter is agnostic and doesn't feel comfortable with the concept of a higher power, she may want to look into lifering recovery circles when she gets out.
http://lifering.org/
also
SMART recovery
SMART RecoveryŽ - Meetings In Your Area
Also, I highly recommend you look into Alanon or Codependents Anonymous. Addiction is a family disease and the best way to help your daughter is to focus on your own recovery. The deal with recovery from addiction is that the addict has to own it. If your daughter is ready, she'll stay clean. If not, there's nothing you can do to stop her from relapsing.
The individuals at this website have been through it all when it comes to addiction, and we will be here to support you no matter what happens.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: My Room
Posts: 138
Am I to understanding that family is not part of the recovery process? That there is nothing we can do to help, or make her life more meaningful?
People here aren't trying to give you a snotty attitude. Everyone is in different stages of their recovery, and sometimes it's hard for us to convey the love and support we have for you without seeming overly strict.
Everyone here cares about you and wants you to get better. That's really the only thing you can do for your daughter right now. I'm so glad she's getting treatment! Even though it's very early in the process, of course there is still hope. Or faith. Or whatever you want to call it.
You can't make her get better. You can support her in getting better. Al-Anon/Nar-Anon will put you face to face with wonderful people who can help articulate that.
I'm pretty new to recovery, so let me say I understand your frustration and confusion and wanting to do everything possible to give her the best possible outcome. I certainly don't have all the answers. But my god, if the Al-Anon meetings haven't given me a new lease on life!
Sometimes when we come here to SR we really have to be willing to listen to the answers we get that we might not want to hear. . . but upon further reflection, we realize that people are just trying to guide us. And we have to be grateful for that!
I hope you can find some meetings in your area. And even if you can't, I know that Al-Anon does do a program with written correspondences and phone calls. Where do you live, might I ask?
Behind the Red Door
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by NightandDay
Where do you live, might I ask?
Behind the Red Door
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by NightandDay
what about at your daughter's rehab facility, is it accessible to you? do they have family meetings? that would be a great place to start.
I've been to one "family meeting", and it was kind of short and sweet. Nothing like sitting aorund in a circle and waxing philosophic. More of a crash course in dysfunctional personalities.
I'm hoping this weeks family meeting is more inspiring.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
One thing someone told me was that during this time I will have to learn to be the advocate for myself and our situation. If someone tells you they will get you the info and they dont, call them back. Be relentless until you find the right program for you. I thought it would take forever for my husband to find the right rehab facility and then get us all set up going to Celebrate Recovery for the continuing, but we did it and it is right for us as a family. If you try something and it is not, keep trying until you find something that does help you.
If you dont, you will live in this slump and it is very easy to get depressed and obsessed about what is going on with the addict. Dont get caught in that cycle. Keep checking until you find a program that has support for you. It is out there and critical to your well being.
Also I will just mention, dont be ashamed. I found that shame of others finding out about my situation kept me from knowing some truly awesome people that honestly are in the same situation themselves for the most part, or quite the same. I thought if people around me only knew what my life was like they would be so shocked. Truly, if they are quality people they dont care and will want to support you. You find who your true friends are during this time.
Good Luck to you and God Bless!!
If you dont, you will live in this slump and it is very easy to get depressed and obsessed about what is going on with the addict. Dont get caught in that cycle. Keep checking until you find a program that has support for you. It is out there and critical to your well being.
Also I will just mention, dont be ashamed. I found that shame of others finding out about my situation kept me from knowing some truly awesome people that honestly are in the same situation themselves for the most part, or quite the same. I thought if people around me only knew what my life was like they would be so shocked. Truly, if they are quality people they dont care and will want to support you. You find who your true friends are during this time.
Good Luck to you and God Bless!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
One more thing (sorry). If they give you recommendations at the rehab facility, be sure and check that they are current. They gave my husband a recommendation for someone that apparently is great, problem is that he is out of the country for the next 18mths. So check before she gets out. Getting continuing care set up is part of their job, but sometimes they just get it from a list they have. Just food for thought, sorry to be so rambling!
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
still boundaries are still about self esteem and getting that back bone...which, often enough, we question with the alcoholic or drug additted...all this and more will be taught and learned by you and help from HERE or AL ANON...
that alone is a workout in its self...
that alone is a workout in its self...
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: New York
Posts: 217
Tormented....the belly dancing classes sounds like a lot of fun! And you are right...a definite positive thing for you and your daughter to do. I wish I had more answers for you as far as what else we can do for them. I'm actually trying to figure that one out myself as my 23 yr. old AS recently came home to live with me. I think just being with you in a positive environment will work wonders for her. What choices she makes from here will remain to be seen.
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