Married and lonely
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1
Married and lonely
I can be pretty slow. I have spent a lot of time wondering why I feel so lonely in my marriage. My husband is an on-again, off-again dope addict, albeit with nine months sober this time. He is probably not one of those people who has "hit bottom" and determined, from the depths of his soul, never to use again.
Most likely he is not using right now because I was able to tell him truthfully that our relationship would be over when he starts using again. I just can't stay under those conditions. I would say he has a habit of using, going to meetings, doing service, getting a sponsor, distancing himself from his sponsor, resenting the service, skipping the meetings, using. I have to give him credit because he works hard during his clean phases.
I am almost 40 and I feel like I have never had a real partner. I am sure this has a lot to do with me and the people I choose. The loneliness is getting tiring. I find that when I get sick, my husband is nowhere to be found, whether it's "serious" sickness or merely the flu.
I can't deny that someday I will be old and sick, most likely, and when that happens, I'll be alone. The house is my responsibility, alone. The bills are my responsibility, alone. None of these things could be entrusted to him without them falling apart.
The last time I got sick, I was in bed for five days with two new teens in the house. My husband never thought once to ask how he could help, or if he could rearrange his schedule to be home occasionally and offer more support. A year ago, I came down with an autoimmune disease. His response was to smoke a lot of dope. That's when I finally said we were done if couldn't stop using. He was lying to me the whole time. Getting sick is a real hot button for me, it seems. I can let a lot of things slide by and ignore them (a.k.a denial) but the getting sick and being ignored sends me into a lasting rage. It confuses both of us.
He has no idea why I am so upset about this recent bout of being "ordinary" sick.
I go through cycles myself where things seem great with him and then I feel betrayed because he has let me down in some glaring, saddening way that reminds me that things are not as they seem. Yes, there is affection and there is companionship, but that is all there is. It looks like a marriage, but it isn't.
My husband was sober when we met, and on fire for sobriety. I have never seen him so wild for sobriety since. He has a bad case of ADD, also. I guess I failed to realize that marriage to even a sober addict isn't the kind of marriage I envisioned. I guess I'm realizing that no matter how much my husband wants to be "better," it is pretty likely that he will never there for me in the way I want.
So the question is whether I can be honest, and stay with him for the companionship without expecting the things one would from a normal human partnership. I would need to never forget how alone I really am, and not punish him for not offering me what he can't. I feel a lot of grief over the loneliness, having spent so much of my life there. Still, it's better than pretending things are normal and throwing a childish fit when they prove not to be. I wish I could figure out a better response than I have. It seems I have these moments of clarity, then allow myself to be lulled back into a comfortable denial, than rage. I am sick of being this way.
Most likely he is not using right now because I was able to tell him truthfully that our relationship would be over when he starts using again. I just can't stay under those conditions. I would say he has a habit of using, going to meetings, doing service, getting a sponsor, distancing himself from his sponsor, resenting the service, skipping the meetings, using. I have to give him credit because he works hard during his clean phases.
I am almost 40 and I feel like I have never had a real partner. I am sure this has a lot to do with me and the people I choose. The loneliness is getting tiring. I find that when I get sick, my husband is nowhere to be found, whether it's "serious" sickness or merely the flu.
I can't deny that someday I will be old and sick, most likely, and when that happens, I'll be alone. The house is my responsibility, alone. The bills are my responsibility, alone. None of these things could be entrusted to him without them falling apart.
The last time I got sick, I was in bed for five days with two new teens in the house. My husband never thought once to ask how he could help, or if he could rearrange his schedule to be home occasionally and offer more support. A year ago, I came down with an autoimmune disease. His response was to smoke a lot of dope. That's when I finally said we were done if couldn't stop using. He was lying to me the whole time. Getting sick is a real hot button for me, it seems. I can let a lot of things slide by and ignore them (a.k.a denial) but the getting sick and being ignored sends me into a lasting rage. It confuses both of us.
He has no idea why I am so upset about this recent bout of being "ordinary" sick.
I go through cycles myself where things seem great with him and then I feel betrayed because he has let me down in some glaring, saddening way that reminds me that things are not as they seem. Yes, there is affection and there is companionship, but that is all there is. It looks like a marriage, but it isn't.
My husband was sober when we met, and on fire for sobriety. I have never seen him so wild for sobriety since. He has a bad case of ADD, also. I guess I failed to realize that marriage to even a sober addict isn't the kind of marriage I envisioned. I guess I'm realizing that no matter how much my husband wants to be "better," it is pretty likely that he will never there for me in the way I want.
So the question is whether I can be honest, and stay with him for the companionship without expecting the things one would from a normal human partnership. I would need to never forget how alone I really am, and not punish him for not offering me what he can't. I feel a lot of grief over the loneliness, having spent so much of my life there. Still, it's better than pretending things are normal and throwing a childish fit when they prove not to be. I wish I could figure out a better response than I have. It seems I have these moments of clarity, then allow myself to be lulled back into a comfortable denial, than rage. I am sick of being this way.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
You sound sort of "stuck" and from my experience that is just the time to get some outside help...have you checked out al-anon or counseling to help you get clear on what steps you want to take?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by centralNY 
I would need to never forget how alone I really am, and not punish him for not offering me what he can't.
Are you scared of being single and alone?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by centralNY
So the question is whether I can be honest, and stay with him for the companionship without expecting the things one would from a normal human partnership.
to SR! You have come to the right place to get support during this difficult time. I pulled the question out that you asked in the quote above. You said "to stay with him for the companionship." However, are you getting that companionship with him actually being there? It sounds like you would be alone either way.
There is no "normal companionship" when dating/married to an addict. There is no stability or partnership. It's about the addict and unfortunately loved ones get lost into that unless they make it a choice to no longer get mixed up in the chaos/addiction. There are some people on here who continue to stay with their addicts but yet distance themselves and live their own lives. If you are able to do this (which by reading your post-it's difficult) then that would be a decision for you to live with for the long haul. If it's something that is depleting you and draining you-you will eventually have to ask yourself if living completely alone is more fulfilling than living alone with an addict.
Keep us posted and continue to come back. There are lots of great people on here. They have helped me with the same difficult decision (to stay or leave).
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I was totally alone when I was living with my exabf. Yes, he was physically here (most of the time) but, all he did was babble about himself, his issues, he was like a broken record. It was boring as h$ll.
Of coarse when he was drunk, it was really exciting, the screaming, yelling, threats and so on....no, at those times I was not bored, just scared!
He went out the night after I came home from the hospital (after major surgery) and stayed out the entire night snorting coke. Did he care about me, no.
My point, living with someone does not ensure that you will not be loney. When one lives with an addict, it is like living alone.
I am now living alone, yet am not lonely. I have a full life.
As for my old age...who knows, I know I will handle anything that comes my way, I can do it by myself.
Sign me, 63 years young!
Dolly
Of coarse when he was drunk, it was really exciting, the screaming, yelling, threats and so on....no, at those times I was not bored, just scared!
He went out the night after I came home from the hospital (after major surgery) and stayed out the entire night snorting coke. Did he care about me, no.
My point, living with someone does not ensure that you will not be loney. When one lives with an addict, it is like living alone.
I am now living alone, yet am not lonely. I have a full life.
As for my old age...who knows, I know I will handle anything that comes my way, I can do it by myself.
Sign me, 63 years young!
Dolly
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by dollydo
I was totally alone when I was living with my exabf. Yes, he was physically here (most of the time) but, all he did was babble about himself, his issues, he was like a broken record. It was boring as h$ll.
Uggh, this brought back some memories and here I go again questioning why did I stay for so long? Uggh.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
I am 50, married 26 years and I have been alone for a few years while living with his addiction. I stayed with him for a number of reasons, I wanted to help him, I didnt want to be single and if my cancer came back what would I do??
it got soooo bad living with him that all the above reasons didnt apply cause he is incapable of fulfilling any of them and honestly we were living together in seperate lives.
after he left it was painful, I wont lie, but in time after you realize what you were or are living with you will find serenity and peace with yourself. you will get through this with support, but please do not stay for any reason if your not happy as the addiction will destroy you as well.
now I worry about my health have appt.this week and scans coming up but I know I CAN get through it if I have to so I understand your concern about going through an illness and fear of being alone, but you will be amazed who will help you, people stand up to the plate when they hear or see you need help, something my husband isnt able of doing anymore. You wont be alone as much as you might think you will be..hugs!!
it got soooo bad living with him that all the above reasons didnt apply cause he is incapable of fulfilling any of them and honestly we were living together in seperate lives.
after he left it was painful, I wont lie, but in time after you realize what you were or are living with you will find serenity and peace with yourself. you will get through this with support, but please do not stay for any reason if your not happy as the addiction will destroy you as well.
now I worry about my health have appt.this week and scans coming up but I know I CAN get through it if I have to so I understand your concern about going through an illness and fear of being alone, but you will be amazed who will help you, people stand up to the plate when they hear or see you need help, something my husband isnt able of doing anymore. You wont be alone as much as you might think you will be..hugs!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Posts: 76
I am also married to an addict. There are definitely lonely times for us. For me the hardest times are when he relapses & the first 2-3 months of being clean are really lonely. My heart goes out to you. I don't know what to say. My husband is wonderful to me, & that's what gets me through the tough times. Unfortunately, that doesn't seem the case with you. I'm sorry. You are living one of my biggest fears (waking up one day & being forty-something in an unhappy marriage). Take care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tacoma, Washington
Posts: 25
Someday
I've been married for 16 years to AH and it was difficult but he now lives in another state and is still calling me saying are we ever going to get back together my answer should be no I just keep saying I don't know but in my heart I really do know. He says I know what I want in life now zzzzz....... pull out the violin If he's not using he's a very nice person but I know in my heart that he won't be clean as long as we are together and I can't live like that although he use to say Im not using and then I would find needles and things of mines missing in the house. I just feel so sorry for him when I need to feel sorry for myself It will get better with time. I haven't yet cut off communication with my AH yet but I get stronger every day and the day I wake up and say this is it we will stop talking all together. I just take time for myself and say I don't have to live like this.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: northville ny
Posts: 20
I have been married 24 years, the last 7 my husband has been addicted to crack. I have tried everything to "FIX" him and realized I can't so I have faced the fact that I am a glorified babysitter mother caretaker maid cook bill payer etc not a wife, but can not get him to leave and stay gone so I am lonely, alone when he is bingeing and alone when he is here, work is my life "our friends" love me but hate who he has become so I really have no friends just coworkers. When people find out what my life is like they always exclaim you are beautiful hard working why do you put up with it . what do you say ? I am tired of hearing myself repeat over and over I am trapped . I refuse to move out and leave him my home that I alone have worked to keep mortgage and bills paid. I want to find somebody to share my life with but would also be fine alone as long as I know I can not come home to find him here. I have begged for help by police no help there he isn't violent he doesnt use in the hjome doesnt bring it home so what can they honestly do . So sorry i hijacked your post but what I am getting at is I know exactly where you are coming from and it hurts and sucks but I keep pusahing forward with the hopes that he will get busted or lost or something. good luck to you I hope we both find happiness someday.
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