Hope44

Hi Everyone,

Just a little update and plea for support. My husband and I had to kick out our AD in June. In less than a month she managed to lose two jobs and is being asked by her roommates to leave. Yesterday my husband gets an email from her, practically begging him to let her come home. She has a "plan" you see. Said that she cannot manage on her own, financially. That at the end of this month she will not be able to pay rent for August. Also, something about her current job situation not working out. Drama, drama, drama.

I got so upset reading her words. She brought up this "plan" of hers about ten times in the email yet never gave a hint about what it is. Said she was looking into counselors but said nothing about rehab, which is what we feel she will need. I don't know.... I don't have a good feeling about any of it. And it feels so wrong to not let/want her back here. To not give her the benefit of the doubt. What if she's serious? What if she truly wants to come home in every way that truly matters, and unlike the prodigal son's father who ran out to greet him, I am closing the door and locking it behind me?

Pretty positive we are going to say NO. (Our decision to kick her out was NOT made lightly and we were under no delusions that things would magically get better all of a sudden.) Where did my compassion go.... ?

She was here on the 4th... I looked in her purse and it was filled with needles and condoms. She also stole money before she left. Her words mean nothing to me anymore. It is so sad.

If, in her email to my husband, she is asking for HELP, it does not come through very clearly. It was all "hear me out before you say no... I have a plan... I have a plan." Living at home was not working out very well for her, or any of us, before.

Any advice? Thank you all so much.

Chino

I'm pretty sure the prodigal son was done before he came home.

Freedom1990

Think it will be any different if you allow her to come home?

She's desperate now that she's facing no place to live. Of course she says she has a plan. We addicts are very resourceful, and manipulative.

I didn't hit a bottom and cry out for help until there was no one left to pick me up when I fell.

Give her the dignity to live her own life and make her own choices, no matter how poor they may be.

Just my two cents.

Impurrfect

(((Hope))) - she's not done yet. I strongly recommend you both say "no".

I truly don't think I'd be here, today, if my dad had not said "no..you cannot come home until you're done with this sh!t". He had no idea about recovery, all he demanded was that I get clean. The recovery part has been an extra bonus, in his eyes He got back a "new and improved" daughter.

I had to be homeless to get to this point. I will forever regret what I put my family and loved ones through, but it's what it took for ME to get where I am today. I CHOSE to be homeless, rather than get help. It's HER choice to get help or continue with her addiction, and from her most recent visit, I'd say she hasn't suffered enough consequences to get to the point I did....desparation, sick and tired of the life I was living, and willing to do whatever I needed to, to get my life back.

Big hugs and prayers, sweetie!

Amy

tjp613

Hello Hope,

I'm so sorry. I understand some of the heartache that you feel. I understand that you want MORE than anything to bring her home where you can make sure she's safe. But the thing is, that she's not gonna be safe, really. She'll still use and the drama and chaos will be just as bad as ever, if not worse. I know you know this. God, this is hard. It's the hardest thing we have to do. I'm so sorry.

I forget...are you guys doing meetings or counseling at all? You are going to need all the strength and support you can find right now. You HAVE to be strong. Lean on anyone and everyone you can. I'm sorry...I know you know all this already. Just wish I had more to offer. But be sure, you are in my prayers. ((((Hugs))))

keepinon

As long as they are using, but have THEIR plan, they are So not ready for recovery. THEIR way doesn"t work!!! I will know recovery when I see it, as I suspect you will too. It looks like humility and surrender, not thier terminal uniqueness where they "have a plan". My addict 18 yr. old daughter got subs off the street cuz she"had a plan" about getting off heroin by herself. Before that she "had a plan' where she would live with us, but "as an adult" which apparently meant she did whatever she wanted while we paid the mortgage. My thoughts are if you arent seeing a willingness to do ANTHING she has to do to get and stay clean then.....maybe not so much on the moving back in. Listen to those instincts...

coffeedrinker

sometimes just sitting on something for a time, instead of reacting right away, is helpful. you know in your heart and mind what the right decision is. a stall might also just kind of make her go away for now. it's possible that she won't follow through with the asking for your answer.

i do like what cynical said, however. it's HARD to say those things, but she could stand to hear you loud and clear.

wishing you some peace....

greeteachday

One thing I found was that it was easier to say no and to stay detached when my daughter was not in my home. Opening that door opens the door to drama, lies and enabling her addiction. Plans that don't start with a good amount of clean time first seem to never come to fruition once our loved one is back in the comfort of home and can focus on where the next fix is coming from rather than where to sleep at night.

I know it is difficult, but I do believe it is not as difficult as making that decision once again to ask her to leave. And if she is emailing in desperation because she is starting to feel uncomfortable, it seems pretty probable that her plan is not to got to rehab, live in a halfway house and embrace recovery...Yet. But if you let her find her own way, it may become that. Hugs

Spiritual Seeker

Tell her your plan instead. Perhaps you are able to offer rehab and perhaps she will go if that is the only plan you offer.
Coming home will most likely just enable her disease to progress.

My son died last month from Heroin overdose ( after two yrs. clean )
Anything to help her get the addiction into remission is a life-saver.
Maybe she will agree to live and accept treatment.

dollydo

Letting her come back home to me is the worst thing you can do. She is in the throws of active drug use and must fall to her knees before she can get back up. Unfortunately, you cannot solve this problem for her.

Allow her the dignity to deal with her addiction on her own terms, pray for her, she is in the hands of the HP, this you cannot change.

Hope44

Thanks to ALL for your thoughts, prayers, and support. I needed someone to prod me along into doing what I already knew had to be done and said. Turns out, we did let it sit. We did not even acknowledge her email with one word and she has not brought up the topic a second time. Instead, we (our family, including her) spent yesterday at a waterpark with two other families who are lifelong friends of ours. She was NOT high - a blessed thing! She was.... quietly observant. Contemplative. Not that I'm a mind reader but I could see her face and she truly seemed to be thinking as she watched and listened - this was my life... this is what I'm missing... this is what's here for me... this is who I am... this is what is mine and what I want back. It dawned on me that these kinds of thoughts, this kind of family/friend togetherness, may be what draws her closest to recovery, in the end.

It is so, so bizarre - several times I glanced her way as she was waiting in line to get on a waterslide and, for a brief moment or two, I did not recognize her. And yet she caught my attention. It was so weird... like who is that, oh that's my daughter. Except only more lovely. As I studied her from a distance, she looked so happy and at peace, among family and friends, the sun shining down on us all. It was a great day and I will not soon forget it.

Anyway, if she keeps singing the Oh how I want to come home tune, the answer IS no. I truly do want to keep trusting God, keep leaving her in His hands, giving her the dignity to work through this and live out her life, no matter what is to come. This way she can claim her good choices and recovery as being All Her Own. We will always be here for her. But yeah - we have a plan as well which we must stick to.

I'm sure you can imagine the panic I felt just thinking about inviting the stress, grief and drama back into our home. And you're right, it was hard enough, ONCE, having to kick her out. I never want to have to do that again or put myself in a position where we might have to.

Thanks so much for coming alongside.

keepinon

Wow..I think you just hit a new level of understanding..I do think that spending time together in a positive way really can make them see what kind of life they are choosing..Good 4 u!

Chino

I'm going to be a Debbie Downer for a moment here... she may not have been high but she was probably still using, unless she detoxed or switched to a maintenance drug.

I used to project my hopeful thoughts onto my RAD (DOC is IV dilaudid) when we all experienced moments like that. What I thought she was thinking/feeling and what she actually was, were two different things. She says now it doesn't count because she was under the influence.

Hope44

Oh I never had a thought/hope that she wasn't still using. It's just that, yesterday, the "high" we'd become so familiar with... it was nowhere in sight. Even my husband and boys commented. However, I'm under no illusions that today would look the same.

As far as projections, I hear what you're saying. It certainly has been a long time since I've let myself get my hopes up, based on anything I've heard her say. Or do, even. And yet, my daughter will be the first one to say how well I can "read" her. Obviously, this has happened much less frequently, since her drug use started, but I'm pretty sure I was pretty close to the mark yesterday.

Interestingly, her Facebook this morning said "Letting go of the reins. Giving them to someone I should've a long time ago...."

sojourner

ignoring that e-mail worked well - they do live in drama don't they?

Chino

I'm still thinking about that a day later and hoping right along with you

outtolunch

Nothing wrong with spending time together in a positive way. Believing it carries the potential to cause someone to reflect and/or change, seems, well like a fantasy of someone who is into controlling others. Been there/done that way too many times.

If all that were required was for friends and family to spend time together in a positive way, most likely none of us would be here because then we would have discovered our magical powers over other people.

Accepting that we are powerless over other people and their choices is humbling.

ZombieWife

Not much to add here, just hugs and support.

keepinon

Personally I think spending some positive time w/ our addict kids IS a good thing.I am used to nagging, begging, pleading, shaming her which didn't contribute anything positive. I don't beleive I have the power to "change her". But I can show her what a healthy, functioning life looks like..one where my every emotion isn't dependant on her and how she's doing. I have heard several RA"s on the site say that wanting to be part of their family again was a motivator in their recovery.. when they saw that the family wasn't revolving around them any more it was a wake up call. Not that its a cure, but cutting the drama and having a nice day together can only be a good thing in my book.

Chino

Leading by example and working the program we wish they would

It's all connected and oh so hard to let go of expectations while maintaining hope.