concernedspouse

I have never been a drug user, but my wife was. She has been clean almost five years. Recently I have had some medical issues. This has been draining on us both financially and emotionally. So we just started seeing a therapist. The last time I went (without my wife) he asked me about a relapse. I said "I don't know", he then seemed confused like he couldn't remember and asked "Did she have have a relapse?" It's possible he made a mistake and confused my wife with someone else. Or she did have a relapse and never said anything to me about it. The therapist wasn't trying to breach confidentiality, he probably thought that I knew. I have been sick about it ever since.

How do I ask her about this? I don't want to tell her the therapist told me. I can't just let it go. I need to know. I need to be able to trust my wife. I love her. I'm not about to abandon her. I'll help and support her. On the other hand, we don't have any kids yet and she's ready to start a family. Although I'm not going to leave her, I don't know if I want any kids if she's using.

My family and all our friends don't know about her history. I really have no one to turn to or ask for advice. I don't know what to do.How do I ask her if she relapsed? And what do I do if she did?

Please help,
A Concerned Husband

Impurrfect

(((Concernedspouse))) - welcome to SR!

I'm sorry you and your wife are struggling.

FWIW, I'm an RA (recovering addict) and I have loved ones who are addicts. You can ASK her, though I understand you don't want to say "the therapist mentioned it". Thing is, IF she has/had relapsed, she may or may not tell you the truth. We A's (addicts) are fiercely protective of our using.

Having had 3 relationships (my ONLY relationships) with addicts, becoming an addict and now in recovery, I truly believe trust is imperative in a relationship. I've spent way too long NOT being able to trust.

You may want to read around the forum. When I first came here, I learned a LOT about relationships with addicts...in recovery and still using. Ask questions, share concerns. The people here are a wealth of information and ES&H (experience, strength and hope).

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

coffeedrinker

i'm not sure if i have any advice.

i would suggest, thought, that maybe you two have the kind of communication in which nothing is off the table. perhaps you could just let her know that you are there for her, to support her, to understand, and for her to not feel the need to carry the burden of secrets.
maybe a suggestion to her of what you think may be true, without coming right out and putting her on the spot would open the door to the kind of honesty that you desire.

as amy said, i wouldn't put any bets on her just opening up and coming clean. partly it depends on her own trust in you, and how safe she feels with you and also how very much she doesn't want to disappoint you. this doesn't mean she will be forthcoming, however, but a couple of statements, or a conversation may lay the groundwork.

it's tough not knowing. but you will find more serenity if you can get past that need.

meditation

This is the reason I am not fond of psychotherapy, it was up to her to tell you she had a relapse and it is possible this therapist is confused thus causing you all this stress for no reason. At any rate, I feel he/she wasn't very professional in the way this was handled and it could be nothing at all but it will undermine her trust of the therapist. It would undermine my ability to trust for sure. I am also a recovering addict and it is easy to get complacent in staying recovered. I know that serious health issues cause tremendous stress on the partner along with financial problems and could be she had a relapse we don't know, though I can see how it could happen. I don't have any good advice just wish you had a better therapist.