vaya

My son hasn't been home since yesterday afternoon. I don't think he picked up his replacement phone from the phone store. (Yes, I gave him money to pick it up, fearing he'd use it for H, but also hoping he'd have the phone to help him get in touch with rehab/housing options. (I had told him that he couldn't stay at my place and keep using. However, this process has become complicated by having to wait for a bed at detox. I've been willing to wait until he got a bed, hoping it would happen sooner than later.) He also may have gotten his GR from Social Services, that was supposed to come through yesterday or today, in which case he probably got a lot of stuff.
Here's the bottom line.....now that he's not come home I'm worried that he could have used too much or gotten in trouble. I guess I'd worry the same even if he wasn't staying here. I just don't know if its better to let him stay so I at least know if he's alive or not, but that's just to make me feel better. Why is telling him to leave the answer? Must everyone hit rock bottom before they get it? I'm not so sure there are shelters that can take him in so easily. I've been homeless before, and not due to drugs, and it's not that easy to find a place to stay as people think. Also, many of the places that may be available are right in the heart of drug activity. It's outrageous that there are only 2 or 3 affordable detox places in this whole county and the wait list is incredible. The only option left is the ER or his willing to go cold turkey. I told him that if he really wants to stop tere are ways he can...people do.
This is also harder for me since I hadn't seen my son for about 5 years. But I do want to do what is best for him as well as for me. open to more ideas....

Freedom1990

They say that fear is absence of faith, that you can't pray and worry at the same time.

My mother is the family worrier. If there isn't something to worry about, she'll find something.

My mother has become particularly frail in the last few years, and it breaks my heart.

She never sleeps more than 4 hours a night, and then her mind is off and running with all the 'what if's' that she can muster up with any family situation/member.

The last time we all got together for Father's Day, she was nodding off in the movie. That's the second time she's done that with all of us.

I can't give my mother recovery. I try to explain to her the process of letting go, of giving it over to God, but she's stuck in her little rut, and it's painful for me to see.

I think the most difficult thing for me to accept is that my mother will go to her grave with no semblance of recovery as a codependent, and no sense of self.

That hurts my heart.

I have been in the position of a mother full of fear and worry myself many times. I have hit bottoms in my codependency many times.

I can tell you this much, I have never experienced as much peace and serenity as I have since I truly admitted and accepted I am powerless over both of my daughters and their choices.

I have come to believe there is a power greater than myself, and I call that power God.

I entrust my daughters to his loving care, and allow them the dignity to make their own choices.

In the end, you are the only one who knows what choices you can live with.

I can live with mine today.

:ghug3

dollydo

To me, enabling him just is not the answer. You are prolonging his decent.

This disease has tenacals that reach far and wide, they can destroy families.

Your enabling/babying him is not going to cure him. He is doing what addicts do.

He can go to the Salvation Army and wait for a bed in detox. You do understand that detox is just that and nothing more, he will need to follow that up with a strong recovery program.

How about going to some meetings? I think they will help you.

chicory

Boy, I wrote a post here for the first time, a few days ago, with many commonalities.

I understand the homeless subject- that is why my son is with me right now. but he was in a shelter at one time, and a friend got him out, and took him to stay at his home, where my son fell back into the same "user" mode of operation. claimed to be looking for work, but complained of no jobs- but how often did he call back to some fast food places to see- not often- or just when someone got on his case enough. He could not get money for beer, and the friend supplied the "recreational" stuff, and the situation there was pretty dysfunctional, to say the least. they moved, i let him come here, with agreement of not drinking. he was so thankful, and I am sure that he sincerely was. but his desire to have some kind of "medication" is overwhelming him, and overshadowing his life.
I am glad that I found this place. it is helping me, as an acoa, to get my eyes opened.

I can imagine how you are feeling right now, and know that fear. I too, supplied my son with a phone. I dont regret that. but to give my son money for something would be the same as going and picking up a case of beer for him.

I think that giving money to them is not a good idea. I am sure that you want to trust him, and hope that he can change, but that takes recovery on their part.

I know that it is hard to find a place for them to stay, or my son would be out of here! pronto, for this is one hard situation, one i am not quite equipped for. but i am getting help here.
I think that hitting bottom is quite necessary. I am trying to get out of the way of my son's hitting bottom. I know that he needs to feel the pain of his choices. He needs to have me not rescue him.

I hope that you hear from him soon, but until you do, remember that you are doing the best you can, and you cannot cure him or control him. You can however learn how to do the things that you need to do, for you. He has to want help.
I never knew about salvation army taking people in, but I wonder if that means shelters, or hospitals, or detox places?
big hug

ladyamalthea

Salvation Army has a rehab program. According to what others have told me here, it is free (and I did read on their website that they rely heavily on donations to keep it running). Lots of information about it on their website, too.

vaya

I hear what you all are saying...but I feel like everyone is so bent on their set answers without really hearing my situation. Sure all addicts are the same and most need to hit bottom before they get it...but aren't there any addicts that got it when they went into a program? My son has been trying to get into a program for about 5-6 weeks. You have to be clean before you can get in and getting in is subject to availability. The place he was set to go to and even showed up there turned him away and said he had to go to detox for 10-14 days before they'd take him in. Maybe he is just going thru motions to prolong staying here....but he's been sick and miserable and confused while he's been waiting. Yes, there was a day when he should have called detox and missed the bed, which i only just found out they had that day. The woman wouldn't talk to me for the intake, even tho he didn't have a phone, which didn't help. If she had just said they had a bed and for him to get down there he would have done that but they make it so hard, playing telephone tag,and then they're not there when he calls, etc...It is frustrating and it does prolong his using.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it is very hard for a heroin addict to just stop without help, right? He was willing to go cold turkey at the rehab, but they wouldn't let him stay and do it. Also, if the addict is so caught up in their addiction and getting high, and their brains aren't working right, what's going to make them get help and stop using, especially if so many doors get closed in their face? I'm not making excuses for him, I just want to understand how other addicts have done this. He says he is sick and tired, but feels powerless to his disease, but doesn't know what else to do except use. He has tried to go to meetings and get help, but maybe he's not trying hard enough. Everyone is so sure the addict has to do it for themselves....which is true....but I don't think he can conjure enough conviction over his disease and need to use to do it. I saw him as reaching out for help and I hoped that if a door opened for him to get that help then the rest was up to him once he got in. Maybe I'm wrong and too close to see things for what they are. The first place he went back to for help told him to quit his job, which he did. Now he's mad because he doesnt' have any money. The job also at least gave him some structure and responsibility to his life and a means for him to get his own place. I'm mad that both the rehabs turned him away and just 'dumped' him back on me, without any guidance or help, let alone helping him get into a detox. They really didn't give a sh** about what happened to him or how I would deal with it, let alone if I could afford to support him now that he quit his job or if I had the resources to help him get the help he wanted or into an affordable detox program which there isn't. What they did just fueled his anger and frustration, gave him more excuses to use over it, while contributing to the turmoil in our home. I know everyone thinks I'm making excuses for him, but I'm not. Yes I know he has to want it and do it...but he did and they said no. Yes, I've told him that if he really wants to do something about getting clean that he will do whatever he has to do to do that, including going to the ER,(which is no guarantee either that he'll get anywhere else since they may only keep him for 72 hours and then send him on his way). My point is, is that the system sucks and contributes to the problem when there is billions of federal dollars poured into programs that call all the shots, even when someone is there for help. The system of care has helped prolong his using and risking his life, even when he has gone to them for help. He doesn't have any Prop time left so that limits his choices, he can't ask his PO or the courts for help cause they'll send him to prison or jail, and that leaves the 2 only options left in this county! Even if he goes to the ER and detoxes, it won't be long enough for the program that is holding a bed for him. As for the Salvation Army, I don't know that there's room there. I called just to inquire about what they had, but the intake person wasn't there then and I had to call back. Addicts needs and desires to quit don't confine themselves to normal business hours, so when after 5:00 pm or the weekend rolls around...they're just sh** out of luck, other than the ER, which is no guarantee either. Many ER's will just send people away, especially if they're homeless, because they think they just want a bed and don't need help. (Even after i was assaulted, while homeless, and went to the ER for help, I was run out of there by 3 security guards and deni help. It turned out I suffered a serious condition, including bleeding in the brain and needed intensive neuro care which I later got.) I am talking from experience here about the realities of situations which do make it harder for the addict to get help.
I do appreciate what many of you say and agree with the fact that I'm proonging his descent. However, I didn't give him the cell phone, my mom did and she didn't have time to pay for this month before she left for Europe and asked me to, which I did so he could make calls for help and be in touch with me and use it to get a job etc. No, I won't pay for the phone plan again.He can budget his GR to pay for it now.
Yes, his behavior of late shows me he is only concerned and consumed with himself and using. I see that as a cry for help and hope he will go to the ER. If he is irrational when he comes back and appears to be a danger to himself (which he is) I will have to call the PET team to make a psych determination and take him to the ER psych ward, if he needs it. I should have made the call the other night when he was talking about it and I think wanted me to make the call. (I held off wanting him to call if he felt he needed it and also hoping that bed in detox would come through.)We just hope they'll take him to county where it's free so we don'taccure a bunch of medical bills.
Anyway, thank you for letting me get this off my chest. It doesn't really change what needs to be done...but I hope it gives some of you another perspective about the realities of things, even when the addict does reach out for help, whether or not he's giving his all in doing so. I hope the Salvation Army will take him in, but probably won't if he's 'dirty' and they don't have the set up to help him detox. I'll just pray to G_d that my son gets himself somewhere for help, which doesn't mean I'm tryingto control anything. As his mother I just want him to stop hurting himself, get over the resentments he has and get on with his life.

Freedom1990

Yes, the system sucks. I could write a novel about the failings of the system having dealt with it more than once over the years.

I couldn't fight the system, but I could change my attitude and do the best that I could with what I had. Up until that point I was angry and beating my head against the wall.

He has no prop time left. Why? He can't ask the PO or the courts. Why does he have a PO in the first place? Are these not consequences of his behaviors/choices while an active addict?

You say he has 'tried' meetings. It takes more than just sitting in a seat at a meeting to achieve recovery. It takes active participation, getting a sponsor, working the steps, reaching out to the newcomers.

You ask if there are any addicts who got it when they went into a program?

Of course there are.

Rehab was one of the best things that ever happened to me. It gave me a good start on life in recovery.

I'm just a few weeks shy of 20 years clean/sober.

When I relapsed after 4 years clean/sober the first time around, I drug my butt up the long flight of stairs to my home 12-step group and started over.

I have many people in my home group who found recovery without rehab.

I realize heroin addiction presents its own problems, especially with detoxing.

I don't know why things are happening as they are right now with your son trying to get into rehab.

I do know there is much you can do for yourself to preserve your sanity.

Have you found any Naranon or Alanon meetings to attend for yourself?

keepinon

You ask if addicts have to all hit a bottom..pretty much or they just would be substance abusers
You ask why telling him to leave is the answer..because he is an adult who needs to find his OWN recovery
In previous posts you have said that you want to "run in the street to save him" referring to his addiction..ok, run in then streeet.Hope you don't get hit and b prepared to run in the street 24 hours a day 365 days a year
You said here that we all have the same answers and your situation is differnt ..we ALL go thru the same things with our addicts
Until you realize that you can't save him ..you are gonna be in for a long miserable ride..don't take my word for it..after all we are ALL telling you same thing

Alanon helped me get out of my "supermom rescue mode" and get back to having a life. Also now, I am a much better role model for my daughter as the very breath I breathe doesn't depend on how she's doing. By the way, I love my daughter as much as anyone . I was a stay at home mom, volunteer in her school, have always gotten her counseling, sent her to a 30,000 dollar a month rehab(she wanted "help" but not sobriety), took on a 2nd job to pay for it... she's still using. So if you find the magic way to save addicts, you can be a billionare. The reason we are all saying the same things is because we have all been in your shoes, made horrifc mistakes, then accepted reality. It's much more peaceful when you do. I wish you the best.

vaya

Thanks for responding Freedom....cause I know you've been there. I'm glad u recognize the frustrations of the system. How long did it take you to get into rehab? Yes, it is different with heroin because it takes longer to get out of one's system. Why do the rehabs insist someone has to be clean before they go in? If they're at their door it means they want help, that's why they're there. This is what's been so hard for my son. He used up all his Prop time. Has a PO because that was the deal he had to make with the courts after completing his program. As for me....I am doing something for my sanity, by reaching out here and I did go to a FA (fam anonymous) mtg this past week. Plan to go back this week. Will try to find alanon mtgs close by, not any naranon mtgs here. Don't have a car or a ride. I already travel by bus over 3 hours round trip to work, but will try to find a bus to get to an alanon mtg. (none in walking/biking distance). I don't think it's being codependent to be worried about my son not coming home or calling, especially considering his drug of choice. Yes, I must make peace in my home, but I can't ignore what's going on with my son, if that's what detaching means. I reached out to learn what options there were for my son and to connect with others experiencing the same problems. Thanks

Chino

I could write a novel too and we even had the resources to help our RAD, who by the way was shooting dilaudid in her veins. She's on subs now and doing good one day at a time.

Did he ask them how to get into detox and where? Did they say you had to take him back home and support him?

There is a place where you'll find help dealing with it, and it's called Alanon.

"Work the program you wish he would."

Chino

Good for you! I posted before reading that.

It takes about 3 days before heroin is out of the system. Stand alone rehabs aren't medical facilities and that's why they have to be clean.

Kelrunran

As a mother of a 21 year old addict son I also know your pain and frustration. We kicked him out five months ago and haven't heard from him since. We also paid for rehab and let him live here, but our agreement was that if he did drugs, in this house, then he would have to leave. Well, he made the choice to use again and he had to leave. It was not a violent situation at all. Sometimes, as a mother, it seems counter-intuitive that I would kick my son out of the house but all I know is that I did not want to continue living in the crazy world of active addiction. The constant wondering, things going missing, begging for money or to work around the house, the lies etc. I just don't want that anymore. There are days when it is all I can do to put a smile on my face and get through a work day. I still go through the emotions but a couple things have helped me and continue to help me. One thing is I attend al-anon meetings and I just cry my eyes, get things off my chest and people there really understand. This has helped me a ton. I FINALLY turned this situation over to my higher power. It doesn't mean that my sadness goes away, but I know that I (we) tried and my higher power has other plans for my son. I have hope and faith and this gets me through, minute by minute, at times. Lastly, I read a book written by Kristina (can't remember her last name), she has the television series "addicted". Kristina was very very lost in addiction but she could still think about her mom, she would call her every so often, she was very resourceful at getting drugs which meant she could find the resources to get whatever else she wanted like to a recovery home or meetings etc. This book really really helped me realize that my son, although lost in addiction, can still make choices. He can call me or see me, if he so chooses and he can chose to get himself to a meeting should he choose sobriety. I've come to realize that they (the addicts) aren't helpless. If they live on a park bench for a while, it is their choice.

I know you will do what is best. I hope you can find a meeting with people that you can connect with and find some peace with your situation. I never thought I could, but I have a lot better days, more than I ever thought I could.

Take care of yourself - you ALL remain in my prayers. Kelly

Freedom1990

I was taken into rehab immediately when I hit bottom, and it was not a requirement to be clean beforehand.

My frustration with the system has been first in dealing with my oldest daughter when she started spiraling out of control at age 15. She had already been in an adolescent in-patient program once, but when I sent her back after she stole the neighbor's truck, she was sent home after only 10 days because the state would pay no more. I got a 15 year old back who was 10 X as mad as before she went in.

I struggled with the system in trying to get custody of my granddaughter, and gave up on that after 5 years.

The system failed me every step of the way with my youngest until AFTER she ran away from home, and then the state stepped in and took custody of her for 17 months. I had reached out to every resource available prior to that, and was basically told unless she tried to commit suicide, or ran away, no one could help me.

The system is horribly broken, that I will not deny.

I am so glad you found a Families Anonymous meeting!

Please keep posting, and take good care of yourself, okay?

DecBaby

I hope you do hear your son is ok.

Sadly its safe to bet that any addict including your son would rather make 100 phone calls to a dealer with no luck of getting their drug than make 1 phone call to a treatment center. I a speaking from an addicts point of view here.

And what KELRUNRAn said about an addict not being helpless is true.

Please keep us updated on your son.

Other thing I wanted to say is there are plenty of addicts who got clean without a detox center or rehab. I've heard people say those places are simply luxuries.

vaya

Thanks to all of you for your responses and support. I texted two of my son's 'contacts' that he had called from my phone to see if he was ok. I did hear he was at one of their places and had just left for another place a half hour ago. (I'm pretty sure my son was there when I texted and didn't want their contact to answer me back until he'd gone. )At least I know he's alive. I can also assume he's out on a 'run' of using. You are right....he would, and has, call 100 numbers to get a fix, rather than make the call to really save his life. He has been depending on me to call for him and to 'save him' that's what I've been doing. I must say I'm enjoying the peace at home the last 2 days. I'm really not as freaked out as I thought I'd be. I still do worry about the possibility of his overdosing, but I don't think he has enough money to do that. He'll probably be back at some point to get clean clothes or maybe to sleep. Probably hasn't slept since he left. Not sure what to do yet. He's not here and using which was a condition of his being here, but this isn't the answer. He will have to go somewhere to get help and stay. There really isn't anything more I can do. This last two days has shown me that.
As for what for what Freedom said...I've been there at rehab when they sent him away for not being clean. Other rehabs I've spoken to say the same thing. If the place he was ready to committ to hadn't insisted on 10-14 days medical detox he may have been able to go to the ER for a few days and then go there, but since there's no beds at detox he's had to wait...and kept using in the meanwhile. We're in Los Angeles county. Maybe it's different where you are. Lucky for you they took you right away. All this may have not happened if they would have taken him in or at least worked with us in getting him into an ER near them so he could be transferred back to the rehab. (It's over an hour away from us and we have no transportation to get there again. Had a ride from the Sober Living mgr. that day.) I'm still open to ideas about how to handle his return.

litehorse

sounds like you are describing my life with my son up until about a month ago when he was arrested- i wish i had a really good answer for you but i don't - i will be praying for you and your son - that you can find some peace and he can find the help he needs -

Chino

What do you want to do?

dollydo

Well, can't tell you what to do, however, the revolving door senario will not work, it will not help him. That is what you want to do, right? Help him.

If so, ask yourself what positive will be achieved by letting him crash at your house? What is the message you are sending him?

Sit back, think this through.