My GF is an addict, I need advise please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Hamilton NJ
Posts: 2
My GF is an addict, I need advise please
Hello, I am new to this site just looking for some help in understanding addicts. Well Long story short, I'm gay and have only been dating my gf for about 5 months now, and she is a recovering drug and alcoholic addict. She just celebrated her 1 yr clean little over a week ago. Things were fine in the beginning, but long story short she is having bad depression episodes and shuts everyone out including me. She hide it from me the 1st time it happened I guess she was embarrased. She will not call or contact me and if she does its infrequent. She was raised by her parents who were alcoholics and abusive to one another. She says there was no love or affection in the home. She has been an addict for 25 years, and explained that she had no feelings most of the time. She is activly working her program and I told her do what ever you have to do to get better and I will be here. I have learned things over time about her and her concept on things (love etc.) and it breaks my heart knowing all she has went through. Recently we decided to seperate for a while (which is hurting us both) I wanna help her so much and I know I cant, I can just be there in case she needs me. She is such a wonderful person, and I just do not want to be without her. She told me a month into our relationship that she is not suppose to be in one for atleast a year, but she fell in love and she didnt wanna back out at that point. My point here is, is this normal? I'm so confused and hurt I dont know what to do!?>
Thank you for any advise given!!
Thank you for any advise given!!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
My advice is to go to alanon..lots of people in there w/recovering partners. I'm in Ca. but in a very rural area) and we have several gay members and it is absolutely accepted by everyone so don't let that stop you!
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: My House
Posts: 1,122
I have to agree with the post above me. Please try going to al-anon or nar-anon... they are pretty much the same program.
As far as how to help your gf goes, I wish there was a magic wand we could all wave and *poof* our loved ones would be well again. But there's not. And the thing is, most of us here have learned the hard way that the best way to help is to step back and allow the addict to work his or her own program.
If you try to jump in and save her, you may push her further away. Focus on you for now, as hard as that sounds, because if you really want to be able to help her if she does reach out to you, what good will you be to either of you if you are not strong enough to help her?
And please stick around here for a while and read some of the other threads and the stickys. Lots of great people here and lots of wisdom between them. And don't hesitate to reply to this thread or start another one as you need to.
*hugs*
As far as how to help your gf goes, I wish there was a magic wand we could all wave and *poof* our loved ones would be well again. But there's not. And the thing is, most of us here have learned the hard way that the best way to help is to step back and allow the addict to work his or her own program.
If you try to jump in and save her, you may push her further away. Focus on you for now, as hard as that sounds, because if you really want to be able to help her if she does reach out to you, what good will you be to either of you if you are not strong enough to help her?
And please stick around here for a while and read some of the other threads and the stickys. Lots of great people here and lots of wisdom between them. And don't hesitate to reply to this thread or start another one as you need to.
*hugs*
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Hamilton NJ
Posts: 2
Actually I did go a al-anon meeting last night, not going to lie but I didnt get much out of it. I did however get a schedule and plan to give it more of a chance. I plan on sticking by her side, because like I said she is genuinely a wonderful person who has worked so hard to get where she is at.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Hi. glad you are here.
What were you expecting to get out of that Al-anon meeting that you didn't get?
Al-anon is supposed to help you help yourself become less wrapped up in her issues and more focused on your own issues. It's about getting and keeping control over your own life. What it's not meant to do is help you help her with her recovery.
This is because, in order to recover, she must help herself. That's the nature of true recovery. Nothing you do can fix her. Her addiction, her depression, all of it are her problems that she needs to figure out solutions for.
Sometimes, when we try to "support" people, we only succeed in making things worse for them. We enable them. We protect them from the consequences of their unacceptable behavior too much. We put up with far too much poor treatment. We live in a fantasy world where we think "if only they would do this... then I would be happy and satisfied in this relationship."
I'm not sure where you fall in this description. You may not be sure either. But maybe give Alanon another chance. Especially if your GF goes to AA. Maybe you can work your own steps while she works hers.
It can't hurt.
You also might want to try reading Co-dependent No More and seeing if you recognize any of your behaviors and how you can change them.
What were you expecting to get out of that Al-anon meeting that you didn't get?
Al-anon is supposed to help you help yourself become less wrapped up in her issues and more focused on your own issues. It's about getting and keeping control over your own life. What it's not meant to do is help you help her with her recovery.
This is because, in order to recover, she must help herself. That's the nature of true recovery. Nothing you do can fix her. Her addiction, her depression, all of it are her problems that she needs to figure out solutions for.
Sometimes, when we try to "support" people, we only succeed in making things worse for them. We enable them. We protect them from the consequences of their unacceptable behavior too much. We put up with far too much poor treatment. We live in a fantasy world where we think "if only they would do this... then I would be happy and satisfied in this relationship."
I'm not sure where you fall in this description. You may not be sure either. But maybe give Alanon another chance. Especially if your GF goes to AA. Maybe you can work your own steps while she works hers.
It can't hurt.
You also might want to try reading Co-dependent No More and seeing if you recognize any of your behaviors and how you can change them.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Your GF has been an addict for 25 years, has family baggage, and has accumulated a lot of negative coping skills. She has a lot of new habits to learn and will only do it when she's ready and able. This year of sobriety has cleared her brain of fog, as much as possible. It's possible she might have done permanent damage to her brain, she might have a chemical imbalance now, and need the help of a psychiatrist.
Learn as much as you can about addiction and what it does to the brain. When you met her, she was probably still going through PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome).
To answer your question, yes, this is normal. She's probably learning or has learned, that she has to find her own way.
We work a 12 step program on this side because we learn we have to find our own way, too, and allow others to find theirs.
Learn as much as you can about addiction and what it does to the brain. When you met her, she was probably still going through PAWS (post acute withdrawal syndrome).
To answer your question, yes, this is normal. She's probably learning or has learned, that she has to find her own way.
We work a 12 step program on this side because we learn we have to find our own way, too, and allow others to find theirs.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Since you two have been together since she was clean 7 months, I thought back to how I was at 7 months clean.
I was confused, angry, and my moods were all over the place.
Half the time I couldn't even tell you what feeling I was feeling.
I had spent years medicating to not feel.
My best suggestion to you is continue attending Alanon to give it a chance.
The best help you can be to her is to have a program for yourself, which Alanon will give you.
I was confused, angry, and my moods were all over the place.
Half the time I couldn't even tell you what feeling I was feeling.
I had spent years medicating to not feel.
My best suggestion to you is continue attending Alanon to give it a chance.
The best help you can be to her is to have a program for yourself, which Alanon will give you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
welcome to sober recovery, divine. i hope you will keep visiting this site.
i went to many, many alanon meetings before i started to feel that magic of their program starting to make sense, and seep into my being. i have found that i really don't ever "get it" while i am attaching myself to the addict, in unhealthy ways. what those ways are you may not even fully understand yet.
just as for her (using for 25 years, clean for only 1), it takes time to relearn and unlearn behaviors and thought patterns.
as for the depression, my ex-boyfriend addict would isolate when it hit hard. i always wanted to reach him, to hold him in his pain as a way to help him out of it. but it's bigger than us; we don't really have that much power. i learned that his going into the dark place and not connecting with anyone, wasn't about me at all.
peace
i went to many, many alanon meetings before i started to feel that magic of their program starting to make sense, and seep into my being. i have found that i really don't ever "get it" while i am attaching myself to the addict, in unhealthy ways. what those ways are you may not even fully understand yet.
just as for her (using for 25 years, clean for only 1), it takes time to relearn and unlearn behaviors and thought patterns.
as for the depression, my ex-boyfriend addict would isolate when it hit hard. i always wanted to reach him, to hold him in his pain as a way to help him out of it. but it's bigger than us; we don't really have that much power. i learned that his going into the dark place and not connecting with anyone, wasn't about me at all.
peace
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