steve1840

I can take this. I used to take a laissez-faire approach to drugs, but I hate them now. I hate seeing what it does to people. I hate the MFers who take advantage of the addicted girls on the streets. I hate knowing that a person i used to be close to, who i know has emotional and psych issues that were never resolved is sinking so fast. i hate knowing i am powerless. i hate not knowing where to find her at any moment. i hate not being able to call her and say i found the numbers to the places she asked about. it is killing me that when i dropped her off on the street last time she asked me again if i would help her. she has no phone. i hate how this has dragged me down. i want to ignore it. i want to walk away and say it's not my problem and i cannot help her. but i can't. i can't turn away when i see the struggle. i know the struggle she is feeling. the junk has enveloped her soul. i still saw that little bit of light trying to get out. i saw the tears in her eyes,the sadness in her expression. i know her and i know how weak and powerless she is, especially alone.

how do you stop thinking about it? how do you let it go. i have gone to naranon in the past, but being there for an hour and having those talks aren't cutting it right now. there is no escape from the reality of this. i think i am as much pained for her own struggle then anything else.

i just want to get her he numbers for the rehab so she has them. i just want to be able to check in with her and not have to look for her. I F'ING HATE the people that take advantage of this situation, the dealers, the pimps, the johns. i never hated them all before. i hate them now. they ruin lives. slow torture. keeping them alive merely to buy more drugs

last i saw her, she still had my number memorized. she knows i dont judge her. she know i love her as a person/friend, she knows i will help her if she wants it. i try to tell myself she will call, even from a payphone if she has to. but then i get weak again and think that the drugs weigh her down and keep her from doing it. is it enough to know she has the number? is all i can do is sit back and wait? (that will lead me to my next post?

outtolunch

The root of codependency is the sense that we have control over other people. That there must be something I can do for them, that they can't do for themselves. It becomes all about me.

We often become as consumed about saving them as they are about getting high.

Consider picking up a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie. Most book stores carry it. Your library has a few copies and you can buy a used copy on Amazon.

steve1840

i am familiar with the book and some codependent tendencies i might have. i did want to or at least think i could help save her before. i understand more now. my biggest fear is just that i lose all contact with her. i guess i feel if the channels are open there is a chance she will seek help. if they are closed, who can she go to- a fellow crackhead or junkie, another girl living on the street, a pimp? i guess i am like so many other naive people who think that if their addict keeps seeing them, maybe it will trigger a desire for help. walking away feels like a crap-shoot. i guess i keep hoping there is something that could be done before it is too late. i know too many people who it is too late for in many ways.

cece1960

Steve,
I think you need to be careful of romanticizing this into the scenario of: She is the innocent victim, the others are the perps and you might be the saviour.

As a mom I vowed to protect my children with everything I had or needed to get. I hadn't factored in addiction and the powerlessness it brings. I can no more save my son from himself than you can your friend. Thats the awful truth, like it or not.

I've found that there are more resources for women on the street than for the average suburban young man and my son has attended no less than five rehabs in his young life. The help is out there, but she has to want it, and want it bad enough to make the effort to get it.

Keep the numbers on hand should you see her again. Tell her you believe in her enough to let her do this on her own. But keep the expectations in check, because she actually may not be ready.

I once mentioned here that for years I stood by my son because he needed me to. But in time I realized that I needed him to need me even more.

What a lesson.

BBD

I totally agree with Ceci~ hang on to the numbers and when your friend is really ready she will have some contact with you. I, also, wasted alot of energy waiting for my son to wake up. When he did ~ I'd dare to say it was his decision, not mine!! He had enough and was ready for change. I feel for you but you have to take care of yourself. Believe me~~~~she will have contact with you when she is ready to change her life....and thats probably the only time you should be there for her. Hang in there hon~~and remember "There is always HOPE"! Hugs, Bonnie