New Here
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 71
New Here
Hi, I'm new here. I was referred by a friend. I don't know if she is a member; she didn't say. I met her on a different, unrelated forum where I talked about my involvement with my ex-bf, a recovering meth addict. She suggested I come here because there is not a NarAnon group in my area.
So here I am!
My story is long, as I'm sure most are. The short version goes like this:
When I met by bf, it was a casual thing, and he was high. We didn't meet up again for 6 months, and then started dating. He told me he was clean. Then 2 months later, he started using. I used with him several times over the course of 3 months. He was unemployed and living with his mom. They got into an argument about his probation. She kicked him out. He came to live with me. I supported him fully while he continued to not work. I found out he was dealing. I enabled him and even gave him money to pay his dealer. I only used with him on weekends because I worked full time and because I do not like to feel that way all the time. I don't know why anyone does! He would do the normal things - stay gone for 2-3 days at a time, put up craigslist ads, give me reason to think he was cheating, etc. I finally got sick of it, called his probation officer and told her he had a drug problem and asked that she order drug treatment. She put him in jail rehab for 4 months. When he got out, he came back home to me and was a different person and started going to school. But still wouldn't get a job. Ugh! So, we started fighting and broke up 6 months later. He stayed clean but dropped out of school. We started seeing each other 2 months ago, but I wouldn't let him move back in. He relapsed 2 weeks ago, and I found out. I turned him in to his mom, where he's living again. She ordered him to go to traditional rehab or he's out. That's where we are now. He's not speaking to me. I don't care. I refuse to see him dead in a year if I can help it.
That's my story in a nutshell.
Oh ... and I'm codependent.
So here I am!
My story is long, as I'm sure most are. The short version goes like this:
When I met by bf, it was a casual thing, and he was high. We didn't meet up again for 6 months, and then started dating. He told me he was clean. Then 2 months later, he started using. I used with him several times over the course of 3 months. He was unemployed and living with his mom. They got into an argument about his probation. She kicked him out. He came to live with me. I supported him fully while he continued to not work. I found out he was dealing. I enabled him and even gave him money to pay his dealer. I only used with him on weekends because I worked full time and because I do not like to feel that way all the time. I don't know why anyone does! He would do the normal things - stay gone for 2-3 days at a time, put up craigslist ads, give me reason to think he was cheating, etc. I finally got sick of it, called his probation officer and told her he had a drug problem and asked that she order drug treatment. She put him in jail rehab for 4 months. When he got out, he came back home to me and was a different person and started going to school. But still wouldn't get a job. Ugh! So, we started fighting and broke up 6 months later. He stayed clean but dropped out of school. We started seeing each other 2 months ago, but I wouldn't let him move back in. He relapsed 2 weeks ago, and I found out. I turned him in to his mom, where he's living again. She ordered him to go to traditional rehab or he's out. That's where we are now. He's not speaking to me. I don't care. I refuse to see him dead in a year if I can help it.
That's my story in a nutshell.
Oh ... and I'm codependent.
Still Standing
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Here @ SR.
Posts: 3,296
I just wanted to Welcome you here, infiniti. Your friend sure did lead you to the right place. Others will be along tomorrow to share with you. I do hope you'll keep coming back here often, as there are some extremely wonderful people here at this site. My addict is my grown son. There is also alot of useful information in the Stickies at the top of the page and it helps alot to read the sharings of others here. I hope to see you around here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Welcome, this is a great place for support.
Your first comment threw me. There are darn near 6 million people in the DFW metro area. Without looking it up, I flat out guarantee you there are naranon meetings there. In DFW traffic you be might tied up a while to get to your meetings but they are there. AlAnon is a very good alternative and even more available.
Your first comment threw me. There are darn near 6 million people in the DFW metro area. Without looking it up, I flat out guarantee you there are naranon meetings there. In DFW traffic you be might tied up a while to get to your meetings but they are there. AlAnon is a very good alternative and even more available.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Welcome to sober recovery. This is a great site and you will learn alot, and receive support here. Please keep coming back often, to get this monster (the situation, not your bf) under control.
You have entered the amusement park and gotten on the most incredible, intense ride of all. However, it's a scary one, not fun at all, and it changes who you are, and changes your life.
You are doing what all of us have done: tried to create consequences to force the right solution. The thing is, nothing you can do will really keep him safe, and the reason is that it doesn't address the underlying problem. He is an addict. Unless the help he gets is what he really wants, it won't stick.
Do you want to be the narc, the police, the parent, the teacher, provider, in his life? Of course not. You want to be the girlfriend, the loving partner who shares in his life. I don't see that happening with the way things are now.
This is very difficult. I understand. The first thing you have to do is decide what kind of life, and what kind of relationship, you want to have. When you do, there will be things to do to make it happen.
You have entered the amusement park and gotten on the most incredible, intense ride of all. However, it's a scary one, not fun at all, and it changes who you are, and changes your life.
You are doing what all of us have done: tried to create consequences to force the right solution. The thing is, nothing you can do will really keep him safe, and the reason is that it doesn't address the underlying problem. He is an addict. Unless the help he gets is what he really wants, it won't stick.
Do you want to be the narc, the police, the parent, the teacher, provider, in his life? Of course not. You want to be the girlfriend, the loving partner who shares in his life. I don't see that happening with the way things are now.
This is very difficult. I understand. The first thing you have to do is decide what kind of life, and what kind of relationship, you want to have. When you do, there will be things to do to make it happen.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 71
Thank you all. I realize that I can't change him; I realized that last year. I am working on fixing myself. I am in private counseling toward that goal.
In re-reading my short version of my story, I feel like I gave the impression that I am and have been a regular user myself. I am not and have not been. He was my only access, and I stopped long before he did, long before I turned him into his probation officer in fact. And there were many times that we were out together that he would use and I would decline. I can say he never pressured me into using. I don't know if that matters, but I didn't want to give that impression.
I have attempted to go to several meetings that were scheduled here in the DFW area only to find them dark and empty. I did attend several Al Anon meetings, but didn't feel that I could relate to them. In my mind, alcoholism is so very different than meth addiction. I realize that a drug is a drug is a drug, and that addiction is addiction, but I want to commingle with people who can truly relate to what I, as an illicit drug user's loved one, dealt with being with that person, such as trying to search out that drug (alcohol is legal; no searching involved), and many other factors that are so wholly different.
Also, after all this occurred, his mother told me he took to his room and barely comes out at all. He is incredibly depressed and I am sure he is embarrassed at having gotten caught, and at having the proof shown to his mom and her fiance. Though it was crushing to me, I told him that I was moving on with my life. I told him I loved him more than he knew, but I couldn't take the pain he put me through on a regular basis, whether intentional or not, and I needed someone capable of giving more than they took. So we aren't together anymore, but I do very much still care about what happens to him, and he is still in my thoughts every day, and still in my life in a way, as I started working for his mom in December. We are all very close. I've only had contact with him once since last weekend, and that was last night when he texted me to ask if I had called the house for him or his mom. I told him I had called for his mom and asked how he was doing. He said he was safe holed up in his room locked away from the world.
I, of course, know I can't do anything. But the codependent in me wants to do so much.
He has no motivation, no direction, no drive. I know he is not currently using, but he's only sitting there existing, not actually participating in life. He's becoming very apathetic. His mom spent all last week looking into rehabs, but they are so expensive and she doesn't have the money, and she's having to put his sister into rehab too (she's addicted to pain pills and adderall). His mom also found out last week that she may have an aggressive form of breast cancer.
The crappy thing about all this is that we are not young! I am 40 and bf will be 38 next month. Mom is 58 and sister will be 37 next month. The whole thing is ridiculous!!!
In re-reading my short version of my story, I feel like I gave the impression that I am and have been a regular user myself. I am not and have not been. He was my only access, and I stopped long before he did, long before I turned him into his probation officer in fact. And there were many times that we were out together that he would use and I would decline. I can say he never pressured me into using. I don't know if that matters, but I didn't want to give that impression.
I have attempted to go to several meetings that were scheduled here in the DFW area only to find them dark and empty. I did attend several Al Anon meetings, but didn't feel that I could relate to them. In my mind, alcoholism is so very different than meth addiction. I realize that a drug is a drug is a drug, and that addiction is addiction, but I want to commingle with people who can truly relate to what I, as an illicit drug user's loved one, dealt with being with that person, such as trying to search out that drug (alcohol is legal; no searching involved), and many other factors that are so wholly different.
Also, after all this occurred, his mother told me he took to his room and barely comes out at all. He is incredibly depressed and I am sure he is embarrassed at having gotten caught, and at having the proof shown to his mom and her fiance. Though it was crushing to me, I told him that I was moving on with my life. I told him I loved him more than he knew, but I couldn't take the pain he put me through on a regular basis, whether intentional or not, and I needed someone capable of giving more than they took. So we aren't together anymore, but I do very much still care about what happens to him, and he is still in my thoughts every day, and still in my life in a way, as I started working for his mom in December. We are all very close. I've only had contact with him once since last weekend, and that was last night when he texted me to ask if I had called the house for him or his mom. I told him I had called for his mom and asked how he was doing. He said he was safe holed up in his room locked away from the world.
I, of course, know I can't do anything. But the codependent in me wants to do so much.
He has no motivation, no direction, no drive. I know he is not currently using, but he's only sitting there existing, not actually participating in life. He's becoming very apathetic. His mom spent all last week looking into rehabs, but they are so expensive and she doesn't have the money, and she's having to put his sister into rehab too (she's addicted to pain pills and adderall). His mom also found out last week that she may have an aggressive form of breast cancer. The crappy thing about all this is that we are not young! I am 40 and bf will be 38 next month. Mom is 58 and sister will be 37 next month. The whole thing is ridiculous!!!
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