littlebird77

my ABF sounded really weird on the phone last week and I have not heard from him since... Although he was clean from opiates, he became very hooked on video games... I hear from him less and less... His mom owes me a lot of money so she is not answering my calls... I have no idea what is going on, but thank my higher power because I have developed a detachment from this... I just need a little more strength to move on.

Callie

LB - I'm so sorry. No more money to him or his family 'K? Don't do it anymore. If they're BOTH distancing themselves, you need to do the same. I totally see my XAH and MIL Both are sickly intertwined. She's actually WORSE than him. Just end it. You deserve better girl. Look @ your join date. Over 2 years for an ABF. You can do better sweetie.

littlebird77

Its so strange you mentioned the two year thing. I was just looking at that.. we've actually been together for five, but it has been a two year break-up. I keep thinking of the time wasted, and how I've allowed my life to be controlled by this. I've lost a lot of contact with friends... I really don't know where to start. I'm 33 and have no energy. All I want to do is stay in bed, watch tv and sleep... coming on soberrecovery was such a task for me, and going to a meeting will be the biggest thing I do all week.

Chino

Oh boy, you're in a bad place. Well, energy creates energy and how about putting one foot in front of the other and soon you'll be walking out the door (could you hear me singing? lol).

How long have you been like this? I can't remember if you're working, going to school or anything?

Callie

I'm 33 and have no energy. All I want to do is stay in bed, watch tv and sleep... coming on soberrecovery was such a task for me, and going to a meeting will be the biggest thing I do all week.

Amen sister. I feel the exact same way. I am 39 and have been with XAH for 22 years. It is every fiber of my being to put one foot in front of the other. EVERY FIBER. I joined shortly after you did. I've got about 5x worth of crazy posts on you though!

I know I'm depressed, trying to exercise and do natural stuff. 5-htp sam-e, fish oil etc. I'm doing my best, but it's hard. You've given me good advice along the way. I hope that I can do the same. Know you're not alone. PM me anytime.

ThatLittleGirl

Its so strange you mentioned the two year thing. I was just looking at that.. we've actually been together for five, but it has been a two year break-up. I keep thinking of the time wasted, and how I've allowed my life to be controlled by this. I've lost a lot of contact with friends... I really don't know where to start. I'm 33 and have no energy. All I want to do is stay in bed, watch tv and sleep... coming on soberrecovery was such a task for me, and going to a meeting will be the biggest thing I do all week. - I am 37 and have been with my AH (soon to be ex) for over ten years... He is also an opiate addict, and he has gotten MUCH worse over the years. I have my up days and I have my very down days. I find if I don't read and do some step work everyday, I slip and go back to my anxiety-prone, crazy self. So whether I feel like it or not...I come on here everyday, I try to read through something that provides me with strength for the day...because one interaction from AH can throw me in a tizzy that I just don't have the energy and time for anymore.

I wish you the best I know how tough it is to go through the motions of the day...all the while in the back of your mind you're wondering what he's doing, if he's using, etc... I always say, fake it 'til you make it... I find myself doing that a lot these days:-)

Email me anytime if you want to chat!!!

littlebird77

Thank you for all your kind words. I will take you up on or offers to PM... I'm regressing into all the things I've been through with him, and it gets depressing I've let things happen as long as they did. For some reason I feel I need to take a past inventory... Is that damaging? I don't know why I'm stuck in this past inventory... I was thinking about a time he took overdosed and was like, "I can't believe I forgot that." and another time I forgot about him taking my car and getting into an accident. I have forgotten a lot of things that have happened. I almost feel like taking inventory will help me look at the big picture... or am I setting myself up for more heartache? what do you think?

ThatLittleGirl

I'm no expert...I'm still working on the first step (it's a doozy)...so I don't have the depth of experience many of the others on the forum have, so I would definitely listen to what they have to say...I know I will be. However, just looking at it from an healthy emotional perspective, I don't see why you would want to go through the terrible past...to focus on it. What's done is done...and looking back for me only stokes my anger and hatred...which only damages my spirit...my soul! So I try to stay as far away from thoughts of my AH and our history as possible right now...I try to stay focused on me and my daughters...and what I want our future to look like. I am sure further in the steps there will be a healing of the past...and I'll get there in due time...when it's the right time for me to re-live some of those events... But for now, I'm focusing on letting go and letting God...on space and time from my AH... On recognizing that my life as I know it is unmanageable and I must change for me!

I hope that makes sense...email me anytime if you want to discuss...<<hugs>> to you...!!!!!

ThatLittleGirl

By going back we learn how we got here, why we allowed, where we contributed, we deal with the past, forgive others and ourselves and only then can we move forward - Sorry to hijack the thread...but may I ask...is this part of a particular step...or is this something we should do before we begin the process of step work??? Thanks in advance...

hello-kitty

Step 12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to other codependents, and to practice these principles in all our affairs

littlebird77

yeah this is step four... its taking me about two years to get through this step, and I'm sure once I get through this, I will be going back to it again and again.... If step four becomes just too much, I go back to step one for strength. I just never know if taking a past inventory is ok.