Beantowngirl

Hi all, I've been lurking here for a month or two now and have been helped immensely by this forum. My 'A' is my ex-boyfriend and his DOC is heroin. We dated on and off for years and years, he would usually pop back into my life around once a year and we would date for a few months and then he'd disappear again. After awhile he'd get in touch again with plenty of apologies and swearing that he was now on the right track. Telling me everything I wanted to hear and I would get sucked right back in.

I won't get too into the dirty details of what happened this last time, I'm sure it's a story of chaos familiar to all of you, in some way, shape, or form. He has pulled one of his disappearing acts once again and instead of doing what I've done in the past (obsessing, worrying, wondering if I will ever see him alive again, etc), I've been trying to get myself on track, detaching from the whole thing and moving on once and for all. I've been working hard to let go of any delusional thoughts of things working out for us, and to recognize that regardless of all the history we have, we don't really have a compatible future together.

I've been mostly doing pretty well, reading a couple of the Melody Beattie codependency books, reading a lot of the stickies on this forum, even went to a Nar-anon meeting and hope to get to more (the one that is most convenient to me is unfortunately the same night I have a class). I've been in therapy for about 4 years now, so that continues to be helpful as well.

So, I have realized how codependent I am, and how I really did enable him in a lot of ways. I never thought I did before, I guess because I never loaned him money or bailed him out of jail or gave him a place to stay when he was homeless. He never asked for those things from me though, so maybe I would have if he did! I think my particular form of enabling was that I was his own personal cheerleader, when he screwed up he knew that he could come to me and I'd be all "It's okay, you made a mistake but you are still a good person...get back on track, you can do it...I believe in you!!!" Etc, etc, etc....RAH RAH HISS BOOM BAH! I finally got it through my thick head that I can't do that for him, it doesn't matter how much I believe in him, he needs to learn to believe in himself. Or more specifically, I don't actually know what he needs to learn to do.

Like I said, I have been mostly doing really well, except for the past few days. I don't even know exactly what it is, I would say I feel depressed but it's different than that, it's more like I feel overwhelmed and emotionally paralyzed. I think part of the problem is that I'm actually repressing the emotions that need to come out in my attempts to detach. I realized that I have barely even cried about it! A few tears and some minor sadness here and there will leak out and then something in me quickly shuts it off. I know I need to let that stuff out and find a way to grieve the end of what was a very important relationship to me. But it's not coming out and I'm starting to feel very stuck, and I think as a result I'm letting a lot of my self-care stuff slip; late on bills, dropping the ball at work, house is a wreck, etc. I also had horrible paralyzing anxiety last night and didn't get a bit of sleep.

How do you find a happy balance between letting yourself feel the uncomfortable icky feelings that are under the surface, but not drowning in the lake of anger and sadness either? Because I have been there before too, so sad and angry that I can barely function or feel anything else. And the result of that was much the same of what I'm sliding towards now, a lack of energy and loss of ability to properly steer my life. Where is the middle ground?

Thoughts?

Ann

Welcome Beantowngirl. I'm glad you stepped in from the shadows.

When I am going through dark days, I find it helps me to take time to grieve and try to sort out my feelings. A good cry always helps. But I don't allow myself to hang out there too long, and make a plan to stay busy doing anything that will take my mind off obsessing.

Going to meetings helped, long walks, a trip to the library for some good reading material, having coffee with a friend, volunteering, having a "pamper me" day when I buy some special bubble bath and new polish and fancy up the fingers and toes....you get the idea. It can be anything you want, but the trick is to do it, even when you don't feel like it. That's when you need to do it most.

Others will be along to welcome you also, so make yourself comfortable and know you are among friends.

Hugs

CrackQuack

Hi Beantowngirl! Welcome to SR! I am so glad you've come out and shared your story with us. I am CrackQuack, 15 months clean TODAY. My DOC is crack cocaine. I am an addict, but sometimes I lurk in the friends and family forum to share my story and read other's stories to keep me in check. The things us addicts have done, and reading this forum helps me to realize my addiction does not affect only me. The world does not revolve around only me.
I first started out as the one dating an addict. My XABF (ex addict boyfriend) does everything from drinking to slamming heroin, smoking crack and meth. Pops pills. He's deep into the rabbit hole and would have been gone long ago if it were not for his parents who constantly deny his addictions and continue to give him money like nothing is wrong. Many people have done this, many people have not. Many are in denial like my ex's parents. I hope you will celebrate that you have not done those things and realize that a relationship with an addict is toxic for you and are trying to take steps to get away from that. I applaud you for it. Some people do stay with their addict and life is extremely rough for them. Life had started out rough for my current boyfriend after I told him WHY I disappeared for weekends, stood him up for dates, and had that nasty little crack habit. I started smoking crack with my XABF because I thought maybe it would bring us closer. I thought if I did this with him, he would accept me and love me. I thought that it would also drown out some of the pain I've endured and remember too well. I thought so many of the wrong things and set myself back so far.
We do recover. However, it's not something that is easy and we can only do it when we've decided we're sick and tired of being sick and tired and we make recovery first and we must do it for ourselves. I only hope your ex will be given another chance to get off the drugs and on the right path, but unfortunately there is little anyone else can do for him until he accepts his problem and accepts the help he needs. The crux to us having to do it for ourselves is RARELY can we do it alone.
I wish I could do or say something that would help you feel better, but all I can really say is to keep coming back. Others will be here to share their stories of life with an addict. Some come out good, some do not. I hope that you find what you are looking for. I am so proud of you for taking the steps to go to a meeting and seek therapy. Have you been on a vacation recently? You don't have to spend a lot of money, but a short get-a-way might help you relax and sort out feelings and emotions? Or maybe getting your hair done or a special movie night treat. Do you have girlfriends you could call for a girl's day out? Something decadent like cheesecake lunch or getting your nails done. Or if you're into something more "manly" (I know I am, I am a HUGE drag racing and car nut), treat yourself a little. Maybe make a list of things that need to be done (paying bills, certain work tasks, etc.) and check them off as you complete your task and get some stickers and paste them on a wall or something. It may sound kind of corny, but smiley face or star stickers are given to kids for a reason. It brightens their day a little. If you like fishing, take some time off work and go to a lake and relax all day. Don't worry about catching a fish. Or maybe brush up on some work skills with a class in college or at your local library.. Get some funnys by going to peopleofwalmart.com or read the best of craigslist (I always get good laughs from them!). Just some suggestions that may cheer you up a little???
I think cheering for him is a good thing. It's encouraging. I am one of those who thrive on hearing a "good job!" or "way to go" once in a while. I don't have to have it all the time, but our self-centered nature sometimes can make it a vital part of our recovery. I know it is mine. And it may help him in the future. Maybe when the fog starts lifting on one of the times he is not using, he'll remember your encouragements and may try harder to get off the heroin. It took me many, many, many, many, many tries to get off of crack. The end all for me was the look on my Mom's face when I told her what I did with the money she gave me in order to get ahead (my last relapse Feb. '09). How disappointed she was. And her encouragements, too, help a lot. A lot of my recovery is centered around making sure I put me first, but always keep my family and friends right next to me. Their voices play in my head when I have thought about using. How I'd hate to see Mom cry. Or my boyfriend cry. Or my kids cry. Or worse, what shape they would be in if I died! I don't want my funeral to be the result of smoking crack. No thank you. I still want to go with a bang, but I'd prefer it be drag racing or natural or even if my cancer came back. I'd rather die of cancer than doing drugs.
Again, welcome to SR. I am glad you've come. There is so much support here. One more thing to help you get the help you deserve and the peace and freedom you need. :ghug3

Beantowngirl

I would give anything for a good cry right now, I just can't get it to start! That's what I mean when I say I feel stuck, I know these things are lurking under the surface and I'd like to get it out and over with. Maybe I'm being impatient. My therapist would probably say that I won't feel it until I'm ready to feel it and have the resources to actually deal with it.

Chino

I've done that a few times in my life and that's a rough spot to be in. For me it was one of two things -- I was 100% in survival mode and not really capable of emotional feeling, or I had my feelings shoved so far down and quieted, that I didn't know how to release them.

Somehow or another they always came out, sometimes sooner and other times later like a delayed reaction, triggered by the strangest things. I've learned to keep talking and it's helped a lot.

86753091

I worried for a long time that I wasn't crying. Then I let it go, then one day I cried. It will come. Seems like almost 2 years for me without that release, but it came. I did all that worrying about it for nothing.

Thank you for sharing,

cb

Special

How do you let go my ex AH DOC heroin I've been with him for 20 years and he went to LA in August for 6 months came back in Feb and was using again within 1 week I've tried everything I could do for him. He recently went back to LA on the 24th of April and I've been talking to him everyday I need to let him know that its over that Im tired of living the way we have for the last 20 years I need to move on but how can I tell him do I just avoid his phone calls or just let him know I don't want to hurt his feeling although he's hurt mine what do I do I just don't know

Beantowngirl

Thanks, it's nice to think that could be the case for him. In a way I didn't mind doing that for him, especially because he was always appreciative of the support, told me how much it meant to him, etc. And dating him again this last time around, I did think that was the case in some way, that he had found his way out of that fog and maybe my supportive words had helped him in some way. When he got back in touch with me he told me he hadn't used in 6 months and he was going to therapy and on suboxone and talked a lot about how happy he was to be living the 'clean life', in retrospect he was really fishing for me to tell him how proud of him I was. Well, eventually I found out most of that was crap, I was stunned when he later admitted he had used only one week before getting back in touch with me, instead of the six months he had previously claimed. That was a pretty big lie, right off the bat. I guess I don't really know what his motivation for lying about that was but it feels like he needed a dose of me being proud of him to make him feel better so he did what he had to do to get it. It feels like the support I offered him was used against me in some way, I guess.

That was probably convoluted and confusing, I guess I'm still figuring out how I feel about it. There's something about that that makes me feel like a sucker.

And I wasn't getting the same support from him, obviously! Sometimes I start to get resentful about that...he's dropped off the face of the earth so many times, times when I could have used the support of someone who cares about me. Like when my grandmother died and the rest of my family turned against me, I sure could have used a cheerleader during that time in my life, someone who was on my side. But maybe it was better for me to go through that stuff on my own, maybe I wouldn't have learned from it like I did if I had someone soothing me in that way. So I guess I'll return the favor now.

outonalimb

beantowngirl (cute name by the way)...welcome to SR.

I'm so glad you posted.

I really like the cheerleader thing you describe. Never really thought about it that way but that is exactly what I have been for my exah in the past. My exah (like all addicts, I would suppose) is so insecure...I guess that must be one of the reasons he started using drugs iin the first place.

I used to tell him he could do it...that I believed in him. I just don't know what good encouragement like this does until they are ready to surrender. If any harm comes from it, my guess would be that it has the effect of sucking us into their drama. If we think we're their only cheerleader we might feel as though we have to keep doing it even when there's nothing to cheer about.

I'm so happy for you that you're working so hard on YOUR recovery. As for the not crying thing, all I know from my experience is that I spent alot of time in crisis mode...trying to just get thru the latest catastrophe...and I think it must take a long time to get past the survival mode and into a place where you feel safe and secure enough to deal with the underlying emotional issues. Be patient with yourself. Give yourself as much time as you need to work your way through the layers.

Welcome again to SR. I'm so glad you're here.

jerect

THANK YOU for this: This is another one of those light bulb moments for me..

Ditto: I can't believe I have not realized this before today. My AH screws up and expects for me to cheer him on and cheer him up and tell him that it's ok and to get back on track. Well You know what, losing his job because of drugs is not ok, which happend last year. Having a falling out with his sponsor and using that as an excuse not to go to meetings is never ok. Ugh.. I have been cheering him on in hopes of controling an outcome. What outcome I don't know. I guess from now on instead of being his cheerleader when he screws up I will just detatch and keep my mouth closed. Now that I think about it, it was exhausting trying to be his cheerleader..

outonalimb

It is exhausting, isn't it? Just think what we could do if we took that positive energy and poured into ourselves? I think I'll be my own personal cheerleader today. I could use one.

Ann

I too was an exhausted cheerleader, those backflips just killed me.

Today I cheer for myself, even for little things, and I remember that I can't control anyone else but I can set my own sails and catch a nice breeze.

Yeah Me! Yeah Us! Go Codies Go!

See? That felt good.

Krys

Just had to say...as much as I love my ABF sometimes I don't feel much like cheering, unless it's a big moment in his recovery. I think all addicts are insecure and self centered to some degree and there are days when I feel for him and there are days when it pisses me off. Where was my cheerleader the last couple of months...oh yeah, he checked out to get high. Leaving me to deal with our problems ALONE. Every now and again, I have to vent. It's not fair that he gets to use and check out whenever things get rough...when do I get to check out? I am working on my codependency every day and while some of it has been empowering (I never thought letting go and being powerless would be so relaxing! Thank you ladies for encouraging me to check out the Codependent No More thread!) some of it has been very hard. I beat an eating disorder, but this is tougher. The thought process and need to fix everything just sneaks up on me! I am putting myself first a lot more lately and although it makes my ABF a bit nervous (he's confuses detachment with giving up) I think in the end it will help him too. He has to do it for himself, pushing or holding his hand won't do him any favors. I think I deserve a cheerleader for all of that, so I will do a little happy dance for ME! I will continue to cheer his good days...although if I hear "aren't you gonna tell me good job?" on the bad days one more time I might haul off and punch him. LOL. You are NOT alone, we are all exhausted cheerleaders who need to take care of ourselves! We can't help them if we are too burnt out anyway! BTW someone on here (I can't remember who!) replied in response to one of my posts about my ABF stealing meds from me and suggested I tell him if I find anything missing something of HIS would go missing...I did that and I think he pooped his pants. Thanks! I am adding a clapping smiley for all of us who deserve a cheerleader!

Beantowngirl

I'm feeling a lot better today, probably because I had therapy last night. I had so much anxiety this week, it was ridiculous.

I've been thinking about it a lot and have realized what the source is of that anxiety and those feelings of being emotionally paralyzed. I have not been properly keeping order in my life; I've been dropping the ball on a lot of work stuff, not paying bills on time, not keeping my house clean, not doing laundry regularly, not eating well, etc. It's all been building up for awhile now, since even before I got back together with my now ex ABF. I think I really did allow the excitement and drama of being with him to distract me from the drudgery of life, I think I was desperate to have an excuse to not have to deal with all that stuff and he popped back into my life again right then. It was just too easy to fall back into that cycle with him, first being so happy to have him back and the good feelings that went along with that, and then the inevitable chaos when I realized he was still using. I was all too happy to shift my focus from my boring life crap to the good and bad excitement of having him back in my life.

So then things ended of course and I've been learning about the importance of detaching and focusing on myself. Well, I think once I did that the reality of what a mess my life is just kind of hit me all at once. I'm suddenly realizing how far behind I am on billing some of my clients, and how many late fees I'm accruing on my bills, and a host of other embarrassments and I'm having to face all of that. And I don't have my ex around to distract me or blame anymore.

So, it's bringing up a lot of guilt and shame feelings for me that I'm having to acknowledge and process. But now that I can see the source I'm doing what I can to face the problem head on and to get my life in order.

I also realized that something I said above isn't exactly true. I said that my ex wasn't a 'cheerleader' to me like I was to him, and in some ways that is true because he drops out of my life for long periods of time, so of course he isn't giving me emotional support during those times. But I realized that when he is in my life he is very much a cheerleader for me, he always says a lot of nice things that make me feel good about myself, always compliments my appearance and tells me how highly he thinks of me and how proud he is of me for my accomplishments in life. He really does make me feel good about myself, so I think I'm feeling the loss of that now that he is gone again.

So, it's funny that I said this above:

...because I need to take my own advice: it doesn't matter how much HE believes in me, I need to learn to believe in MYSELF! Yes, I need to learn to be my own cheerleader. So, that's what I'm going to work on doing, and I feel much better now that I've gotten my head sorted out a bit.