Can't Stop Crying
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Can't Stop Crying 
I don't know what to do. Where to turn. So here I am.I've been balling for an hour now. I've been a walking zombie since I woke up this morning. The tears keep flowing from my eyes, and I hurt so badly.
Why, after all the abuse and mistreatment, and misery can't I stop crying over him.
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP HURTING. I feel crushed. My world has completely stopped, and im trapped in despair. He hurt me so much, yet, I want to say who cares about all of this and just hold him. I WANT TO SEE HIM.
I'M A HUGE BABY. SOMEONE PLEASE SAY SO METHING THAT MAY OFFER SOME SOLACE. IM JUST CRYING LIKE A BIG BABY. I miss him. I want him so badly. He's my whole world. He's my love... and he's gone forever.
The Pain Won't End.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,240
Hi Jenny. First I like ur name
because my daughter is also
named Jenny. It's such a pretty
name.
2nd, im not familiar with ur
story, but u r in a good place
with many caring and concerned
folks.
All i know is...time heals all.
Share more with folks in here
so they will understand what
is going on with u in ur life.
Im pretty sure there r others
that have either gone thru what
ur going thru or going thru the
same thing as we type.
They can share their own experiences
strengths and hope on their own
situation.
Crying is good to....Its ok to cry.
because my daughter is also
named Jenny. It's such a pretty
name.
2nd, im not familiar with ur
story, but u r in a good place
with many caring and concerned
folks.
All i know is...time heals all.
Share more with folks in here
so they will understand what
is going on with u in ur life.
Im pretty sure there r others
that have either gone thru what
ur going thru or going thru the
same thing as we type.
They can share their own experiences
strengths and hope on their own
situation.
Crying is good to....Its ok to cry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Thank you for the reply. I'm feeling better now that I've started reading some posts. I have shared my story, it's under, "left prescription pill boyfriend", so people have definitely been helping me along...
I was just trying to find comfort for my broken heart.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, seriously. Even though we all know time heals all, it really helps to hear it from someone... It's hard to take your own advice sometimes... guess I'm just waiting for time to pass so i can be healed then...
I was just trying to find comfort for my broken heart.
Thank you for taking the time to reply, seriously. Even though we all know time heals all, it really helps to hear it from someone... It's hard to take your own advice sometimes... guess I'm just waiting for time to pass so i can be healed then...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
oh, sweetheart, you just cry, cry, cry. you really do need to.
i think your new ex drinks and does pills?
mine has done every drug known to man, but heroin was the tonic that eased his troubled mind. this drug has caused him to go cold turkey two different times, alone, not caring if he lived or died, because what he was doing wasn't living anyway.
the pain and shame of what the addiction has done to himself and his loved ones is almost unbearable. i look at a behavior that is SO DEVASTATING and think "why? what can possibly be the deal that you KNOW the dark and ugly place you will go to, yet you will still ever take that next hit?"
i think it goes something like this:
he gets a trigger: some strong emotions are coming on, and the desire to escape becomes larger than life.
he knows better. he is an addict. he CANT do this anymore, CANT go there, HAS to keep saying no.
the desire becomes a need. the craving for the taste, the feel of the syringe, the euphoria, is overpowering. white knuckling it.
the intensity ratchets up, even though he knows what's good for him, and what's not good, it's too strong. he caves. he uses.
instantly he feels relief. aahhh. oh my gosh. the intense and painful feelings are gone. vanished. this feels like what i needed. calgon take me away, but way more.
the cycle continues.
it is so easy for me to think "why why why? can't you see this pattern?" when it comes to drug users. but look at your anguish, jenny. you are doing the exact same thing, except with a human. just as the addict needs to continue to stay away, or it will keep repeating, so do you.
and i wouldn't be saying this to you, unless i had experienced the exact same thing.
you go ahead and feel as terrible as you're gonna feel. the only way through it, is to go through it.
i get it.
love, coffeemaker
i think your new ex drinks and does pills?
mine has done every drug known to man, but heroin was the tonic that eased his troubled mind. this drug has caused him to go cold turkey two different times, alone, not caring if he lived or died, because what he was doing wasn't living anyway.
the pain and shame of what the addiction has done to himself and his loved ones is almost unbearable. i look at a behavior that is SO DEVASTATING and think "why? what can possibly be the deal that you KNOW the dark and ugly place you will go to, yet you will still ever take that next hit?"
i think it goes something like this:
he gets a trigger: some strong emotions are coming on, and the desire to escape becomes larger than life.
he knows better. he is an addict. he CANT do this anymore, CANT go there, HAS to keep saying no.
the desire becomes a need. the craving for the taste, the feel of the syringe, the euphoria, is overpowering. white knuckling it.
the intensity ratchets up, even though he knows what's good for him, and what's not good, it's too strong. he caves. he uses.
instantly he feels relief. aahhh. oh my gosh. the intense and painful feelings are gone. vanished. this feels like what i needed. calgon take me away, but way more.
the cycle continues.
it is so easy for me to think "why why why? can't you see this pattern?" when it comes to drug users. but look at your anguish, jenny. you are doing the exact same thing, except with a human. just as the addict needs to continue to stay away, or it will keep repeating, so do you.
and i wouldn't be saying this to you, unless i had experienced the exact same thing.
you go ahead and feel as terrible as you're gonna feel. the only way through it, is to go through it.
i get it.
love, coffeemaker
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
I'm sorry you are hurting so badly...<<hugs>>...I understand where you are...I have an appointment with my attorney at 1:00 tomorrow to file for divorce from my addict husband who is also addicted to pills...I have been so busy putting my house on the market that I haven't really had time to think about it...probably subconsciously I am purposely ignoring the looming appointment. But I know I need to do it...for me and my daughters...I'm ready to live outside of the shadow of his addiction for good. It's one of those things where I'm letting my mind and logic overrule my heart...I have to do it this time. So I know where you are...I am sure once all the dust settles, I'll be there too... I only know time does heal all wounds...and we have to let go and let God. Like the steps tell us...one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and even one minute at a time. Just try to keep taking those small steps forward...stay centered...stay on this forum...there are tons of wonderful people here who will support you! I wish you all the best...email me anytime!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
It hurts. You're grieving a loss. It's ok to cry and be sad. Just try not to stay there too long, ok.
What helped me was playing the tape "all the way through". When the missing him, wanting him back feelings hit, let your mind remember the "terrible" times as well as the good. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are taking a step towards change.
It's hard, but the serenity and peace you'll eventually have will be worth it to your sanity. I understand, I've been there. Sending (((HUGS))) Keep reading and posting. It will help you through.
What helped me was playing the tape "all the way through". When the missing him, wanting him back feelings hit, let your mind remember the "terrible" times as well as the good. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You are taking a step towards change.
It's hard, but the serenity and peace you'll eventually have will be worth it to your sanity. I understand, I've been there. Sending (((HUGS))) Keep reading and posting. It will help you through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Aww guys, all of you! Thank you a million times! Coffeedrinker - you're right on, AS ALWAYS! You've offered me so much advice, and it really touches me. I AM addicted to him.. if not him, love.
What I've learned lately is that I have a fear of abandonment. It comes from feelings of neglection my entire childhood... and every relationship to follow. Since I'm so scared of being alone, I weather any storm... I CAN'T be alone.. but I'm learning how to love myself.
I caved in. I called him. We sat on the phone crying for an hour. Neither of us wanted this. You know what he said. He told me that it was all my fault. Those weren't his words.. but the, had you not done that, and the I did everything. He told me that when he rages he has no other choice, it's the only way to get through to me because I'm throwing a fit. Ten minutes later, he's crying to me and he says, "I cried to my mother and said, I'm 30 years old and I have nothing. I've tried everything and I can't seem to ever get it right". I asked him if he realized that raging like that is exactly why he's not getting it right - He didn't see it. Not at all.
So, I cried and cried to him, felt all the emotions, and felt bad. I left the conversation feeling like I knew exactly why this isn't going to work. He took absolutely no responsibility for his part. He said, "How can I just get you to be nice to me"? ME BE NICE?
As much as I love him... I CAN NOT TAKE HIM BACK. I'M SCARED I WILL TRY. What's wrong with me? I feel like I can't even stick to something. Does this happen to many of you? I just want to be strong and firm, and it's so damn hard.
Thatlittlegirl, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. How long have you been married? I really can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. You seem very strongminded though. Has this been on-going for a while? Have you left and come back? I wish you the best tomorrow meeting with the attorney.
Raysofsunshine, Thank you. That is exactly what I NEED to be doing. Instead I watch a video I made playing to a beautiful, sad song about love, with all of our pictures flashing across and the sweet texts he used to send me that I had saved. All i DO is focus on the good. It is only when I come here that I draw my inner strength.
I mean it, I have learned SO much about myself just from joining. You all are wonderful, loving, caring and supportive people. I'd be lost without you! Everytime I come here and read other peoples posts, or the replies I get, it just builds me up with even more strength. I was damaged and broken, and you guys are showiing me the way to heal. I wouldn't have ever even come to get "codependent no more" without your help.
THANK YOU!!!
What I've learned lately is that I have a fear of abandonment. It comes from feelings of neglection my entire childhood... and every relationship to follow. Since I'm so scared of being alone, I weather any storm... I CAN'T be alone.. but I'm learning how to love myself.
I caved in. I called him. We sat on the phone crying for an hour. Neither of us wanted this. You know what he said. He told me that it was all my fault. Those weren't his words.. but the, had you not done that, and the I did everything. He told me that when he rages he has no other choice, it's the only way to get through to me because I'm throwing a fit. Ten minutes later, he's crying to me and he says, "I cried to my mother and said, I'm 30 years old and I have nothing. I've tried everything and I can't seem to ever get it right". I asked him if he realized that raging like that is exactly why he's not getting it right - He didn't see it. Not at all.
So, I cried and cried to him, felt all the emotions, and felt bad. I left the conversation feeling like I knew exactly why this isn't going to work. He took absolutely no responsibility for his part. He said, "How can I just get you to be nice to me"? ME BE NICE?
As much as I love him... I CAN NOT TAKE HIM BACK. I'M SCARED I WILL TRY. What's wrong with me? I feel like I can't even stick to something. Does this happen to many of you? I just want to be strong and firm, and it's so damn hard.
Thatlittlegirl, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. How long have you been married? I really can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. You seem very strongminded though. Has this been on-going for a while? Have you left and come back? I wish you the best tomorrow meeting with the attorney.
Raysofsunshine, Thank you. That is exactly what I NEED to be doing. Instead I watch a video I made playing to a beautiful, sad song about love, with all of our pictures flashing across and the sweet texts he used to send me that I had saved. All i DO is focus on the good. It is only when I come here that I draw my inner strength.
I mean it, I have learned SO much about myself just from joining. You all are wonderful, loving, caring and supportive people. I'd be lost without you! Everytime I come here and read other peoples posts, or the replies I get, it just builds me up with even more strength. I was damaged and broken, and you guys are showiing me the way to heal. I wouldn't have ever even come to get "codependent no more" without your help.
THANK YOU!!!
ThatLittleGirl
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 273
Thatlittlegirl, I'm sorry to hear about your divorce. How long have you been married? I really can't imagine the pain you must be feeling. You seem very strong-minded though. Has this been on-going for a while? Have you left and come back? I wish you the best tomorrow meeting with the attorney.
- Thank you...we've been together for 10.5 years and married for just over 8 years. I've come to realize through my recovery that my husband has been actively using drugs the entire 10.5 years...but I didn't become aware of it until the last 7 - 8 years. I have threatened to leave after almost every one of his many, many relapses...we separated once...and he's been in the guest bedroom of our house since August of last year... He doesn't want to recover...at least not yet, and I have twin daughters I need to raise...in a healthy home, with love and devotion. I seem strong-minded because I see the impact this is having on my daughters. An example, I went to a parent/teacher conference for my children last week. One of my daughters is sensitive so I've tried to nurture and support her the best I can...the other seemed more OK with the situation... Well, as I'm talking about child I thought was OK, her teacher (they have different teachers) says to me, "Mrs. so-&-so, I just thought you should know, the last month your daughter has been real emotional...I'm not sure why. At nap almost every day, she has been crying...even today when I walked in from lunch break...she was on her mat with the blanket pulled up crying." I CANNOT put into words how much that crushed my heart...into a thousand pieces. My daughter who I though was coping decently wasn't crying at home...she was going to school and crying to herself at nap. I cannot and will not ignore my daughters cries for help...I cannot and will not give my husband's addiction any more of my energy...which had turned completely negative ALL the time. I MUST look forward to the day when we are smiling, joyful, and living in peace, loving one another without the cloud of addiction hanging over our heads...it will make all the heartache and pain worth it. So for you, I would say, if you know, that you know, that you know, be honest with yourself...get healthy and centered...focus on what a healthy spirit needs... Don't let yourself waste another minute weighted down with addiction, but rather, lift yourself up with a body and mind that knows yourself and what you want and what you DESERVE...and that's happiness, peace & joy. Active addiction can NEVER give you those things...NEVER!
- Thank you...we've been together for 10.5 years and married for just over 8 years. I've come to realize through my recovery that my husband has been actively using drugs the entire 10.5 years...but I didn't become aware of it until the last 7 - 8 years. I have threatened to leave after almost every one of his many, many relapses...we separated once...and he's been in the guest bedroom of our house since August of last year... He doesn't want to recover...at least not yet, and I have twin daughters I need to raise...in a healthy home, with love and devotion. I seem strong-minded because I see the impact this is having on my daughters. An example, I went to a parent/teacher conference for my children last week. One of my daughters is sensitive so I've tried to nurture and support her the best I can...the other seemed more OK with the situation... Well, as I'm talking about child I thought was OK, her teacher (they have different teachers) says to me, "Mrs. so-&-so, I just thought you should know, the last month your daughter has been real emotional...I'm not sure why. At nap almost every day, she has been crying...even today when I walked in from lunch break...she was on her mat with the blanket pulled up crying." I CANNOT put into words how much that crushed my heart...into a thousand pieces. My daughter who I though was coping decently wasn't crying at home...she was going to school and crying to herself at nap. I cannot and will not ignore my daughters cries for help...I cannot and will not give my husband's addiction any more of my energy...which had turned completely negative ALL the time. I MUST look forward to the day when we are smiling, joyful, and living in peace, loving one another without the cloud of addiction hanging over our heads...it will make all the heartache and pain worth it. So for you, I would say, if you know, that you know, that you know, be honest with yourself...get healthy and centered...focus on what a healthy spirit needs... Don't let yourself waste another minute weighted down with addiction, but rather, lift yourself up with a body and mind that knows yourself and what you want and what you DESERVE...and that's happiness, peace & joy. Active addiction can NEVER give you those things...NEVER!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: mn
Posts: 38
hey its me again. I just responded on your other thread.
Did you watch that movie tonight?
Its ok, I still sometimes torture myself w/ pics of my ex.
Its the grief stages....Kubler Ross....it sucks but it must be done.
Please come on here and get the support you need.
Everyone here is wonderful. Im actually on two sites because I like all the different viewpoints.
I even saved good comments and advice onto a file so that, when I feel sad and depressed, I can look back and say "See, I'm not crazy! Other people agree that this addict business is no good!"
Keep your head up. Go to therapy and f2f meetings if you can.
Its all helped me tremendously. You cant do it alone and thats ok!
Keep us posted
Did you watch that movie tonight?
Its ok, I still sometimes torture myself w/ pics of my ex.
Its the grief stages....Kubler Ross....it sucks but it must be done.
Please come on here and get the support you need.
Everyone here is wonderful. Im actually on two sites because I like all the different viewpoints.
I even saved good comments and advice onto a file so that, when I feel sad and depressed, I can look back and say "See, I'm not crazy! Other people agree that this addict business is no good!"
Keep your head up. Go to therapy and f2f meetings if you can.
Its all helped me tremendously. You cant do it alone and thats ok!
Keep us posted
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Virginia
Posts: 685
Thatlittlegirl,
Oh my gosh, that is heartbreaking... I take it your daughter is around 4 or 5 years old, since she's taking naps? That is so sad. Good for you, really! I really do wish you the best, for your whole family. I love to see the strength in others, you offer great inspiration!
Newlife,
Ugh! I'm so stupid. I noticed the time at 8:40.. and I didn't realize yesterday was the 25th.. I thought it was the 15th, or something. Dang it! Dang it! I'm sure it will come on again, sometime. I really wanted to watch it though.. that sucks What other site are you on? I was on drugs dot com, which was nice.. but I've found I can relate a lot better on here. I definitely want to get back into therapy, real soon!
Oh my gosh, that is heartbreaking... I take it your daughter is around 4 or 5 years old, since she's taking naps? That is so sad. Good for you, really! I really do wish you the best, for your whole family. I love to see the strength in others, you offer great inspiration!
Newlife,
Ugh! I'm so stupid. I noticed the time at 8:40.. and I didn't realize yesterday was the 25th.. I thought it was the 15th, or something. Dang it! Dang it! I'm sure it will come on again, sometime. I really wanted to watch it though.. that sucks
What other site are you on? I was on drugs dot com, which was nice.. but I've found I can relate a lot better on here. I definitely want to get back into therapy, real soon!
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