detaching200

Well, I guess I should say I haven't responded. He's caleld and texted, but I don't answer. I don't know how many of you read my last thread, but after everything that happened, and the arguments we've had the last few times we've seen each other, I think I've finally realized that I don't want him, clean or sober. My mother once said "the words of a drunk (or in this case high) man are the thoughts of a sober man." I did what a lot of us do...I gave the drugs too much credit. I realized that, while he is an extremely viscious, mean, and violent ******* when he's drunk/using, he is only less so when he's sober, and he just apologizes a lot faster. A mean person is a mean person. It was like I just woke up. I'm a little scared to trust myslef, because I have had similar "wake-up" moments, and I go back. I'm going to do all I can not to give in. I hate to admit it, but a lot of the reason I go back is the sex. Sorry for tmi, but I have tried, since we broke up in 2008, having sex with other men. If they have no feelings for me, (and none of them did) I don't enjoy it. I just don't. With him, I know he loves me, at least his twisted up version of love, and it makes it so much better. I know that's not enough. My kids were witness to the "final straw" (actually the fact that it was in front of my kids was part of the reaon it WAS the final straw.) and I don't want to take him back because I don't want my daughter growing up thinking that's an acceptable way for a man to treat her, nor my son thinking that's how to treat a woman.

So, I'm starting to struggle a little..I'm at the "cry when I see couples on tv" stage. I have accepted the fact that I will most likely live the rest of my life alone. I'm mostly ok with that. I have to be. Being not ok with it leads me into destructive patterns. I do get lonely sometimes, though. I'm only human, and when we're apart he plays on that. Conversely, when we'e fighting he gives me the old "nobody wants you but me" routine, to which my answer is now and always has been "I'd rather be alone than be with you."

Overall, I'm happy, and glad that I'm free of him. He's a jerk. He's still not sure if he's going to prison, and I find myself not caring. He should go to prison, but I don't care if he does. I think, cautiousoptimism here, that I might be free. finally!

teke

sounds like you're off to a good start. you seem to know what you will/will not except here. you any yours are in my prayers.