Afraid something bad will happen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Afraid something bad will happen
I hate feeling this way.
AH has been banished for about 6 weeks now because of his pill binging which he says is due to his chronic pain. Yes he has a bad back and neck but his pill behaviour got out of hand. I made a boundry he crossed it by getting stoned and had to leave.
For the first two weeks he stayed at a neighbors aka scuzbuckets. Then he took it upon himself to move back into the shop out back. Without asking me about it. I guess they had some kind of problem and he was asked to leave, I dunno.
One of his well meaning buddies told me he is holding AH's pain pills and only giving him 6 a day. That AH is really working on himself and trying to get better. However I don't see him going to rehab or working a recovery so in my opinion nothing has changed. I think AH is now on food stamps and is only working whenever lil jobs fall his way. He put his old pu back on our insurance without asking. He has no steady job (not that he ever did) has lost his wife and family and is running out of options.
On exploring my options I can't remove him from my insurance (because when he doesn't pay it will hit my credit too) or kick him totally off the property until I get a divorce. Which I have already started looking into.
In the meantime I feel stuck, I am scared he's going to be found dead out there, I feel like he is still binging because I have seen signs, yesterday he pulled up to the shop and took 10 minutes trying to open the door. Then son went out after school to say hello and could not get an answer to the door. I sent a text awhile later asking if he was there and got no answer. After I took son to karate I went and knocked on the door for 15 minutes before he finally answered. I was afraid of what shape he was in and didn't want son to see it. He looked like crap, said he was sleeping, but it appeared to me he was prob stoned on something, he was holding a skillet with food in it and the shop was full of smoke, I don't know if he was cooking on the fireplace and burned it or the damper wasn't fully opened. So I stated son was trying to get ahold of him & I was just making sure he wasn't dead. Then I left. I told son his dad wasn't feeling well and that he prob should'nt visit.
I just feel trapped, I'm scared he's gonna pull that last chamber on the russian roulette he plays with the pills and that son or me is going to be the ones to find him. And have to face the fallout after the fact.
However, thus far, he's been ok. As in not dead yet. But the fears I have are keeping me tied up in knots. I know I can't change him & I've realized he has to be gone or he was going to drag us down right along with him. But I feel guilty that I am causing his death.
Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew what to do.
Hugs,
Teggie
AH has been banished for about 6 weeks now because of his pill binging which he says is due to his chronic pain. Yes he has a bad back and neck but his pill behaviour got out of hand. I made a boundry he crossed it by getting stoned and had to leave.
For the first two weeks he stayed at a neighbors aka scuzbuckets. Then he took it upon himself to move back into the shop out back. Without asking me about it. I guess they had some kind of problem and he was asked to leave, I dunno.
One of his well meaning buddies told me he is holding AH's pain pills and only giving him 6 a day. That AH is really working on himself and trying to get better. However I don't see him going to rehab or working a recovery so in my opinion nothing has changed. I think AH is now on food stamps and is only working whenever lil jobs fall his way. He put his old pu back on our insurance without asking. He has no steady job (not that he ever did) has lost his wife and family and is running out of options.
On exploring my options I can't remove him from my insurance (because when he doesn't pay it will hit my credit too) or kick him totally off the property until I get a divorce. Which I have already started looking into.
In the meantime I feel stuck, I am scared he's going to be found dead out there, I feel like he is still binging because I have seen signs, yesterday he pulled up to the shop and took 10 minutes trying to open the door. Then son went out after school to say hello and could not get an answer to the door. I sent a text awhile later asking if he was there and got no answer. After I took son to karate I went and knocked on the door for 15 minutes before he finally answered. I was afraid of what shape he was in and didn't want son to see it. He looked like crap, said he was sleeping, but it appeared to me he was prob stoned on something, he was holding a skillet with food in it and the shop was full of smoke, I don't know if he was cooking on the fireplace and burned it or the damper wasn't fully opened. So I stated son was trying to get ahold of him & I was just making sure he wasn't dead. Then I left. I told son his dad wasn't feeling well and that he prob should'nt visit.
I just feel trapped, I'm scared he's gonna pull that last chamber on the russian roulette he plays with the pills and that son or me is going to be the ones to find him. And have to face the fallout after the fact.
However, thus far, he's been ok. As in not dead yet. But the fears I have are keeping me tied up in knots. I know I can't change him & I've realized he has to be gone or he was going to drag us down right along with him. But I feel guilty that I am causing his death.
Why do I feel this way? I wish I knew what to do.
Hugs,
Teggie
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Teggie YOU are not causing his death. He is a grown man and he really can take care of himself. They have this way of making us feel like they can't. I know how you feel, I finally had to get my ex ABF off of my property so that I would not feel guilty anymore. It was just too much having to watch another human being destroy themselves.
Anvil is right you have to take that first step even though it will be painful and remove him some how some way off of your property so you do NOT have to see him daily. That is the only way you will be able to cope and deal with it at least a little easier.
Anvil is right you have to take that first step even though it will be painful and remove him some how some way off of your property so you do NOT have to see him daily. That is the only way you will be able to cope and deal with it at least a little easier.
work in progress
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: the sunshine state
Posts: 623
Teggie
It's like having to stand there by the side of the pool and watch them drown. You can't pull them out, because every time you do, they jump back in and start drowning again!
We didn't push them in...we aren't killing them. They went in all by themselves.
It's madness.
I'm sending over a big ((((( squeeze ))))))...I know you'll come up with a creative way to get him out of there. Either that, or have a giant fence built around the shop out back so you don't have to see him! Paint sunflowers and butterflies on the side you can see.
You're in my thoughts. Hang in there Woman!
It's like having to stand there by the side of the pool and watch them drown. You can't pull them out, because every time you do, they jump back in and start drowning again!
We didn't push them in...we aren't killing them. They went in all by themselves.
It's madness.
I'm sending over a big ((((( squeeze ))))))...I know you'll come up with a creative way to get him out of there. Either that, or have a giant fence built around the shop out back so you don't have to see him! Paint sunflowers and butterflies on the side you can see.
You're in my thoughts. Hang in there Woman!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
Teggie - How old is your son? Can you BOTH get into counseling soon? He must have a lot of anxiety...as do you.
What kind of support are you getting from friends and family? I hope you are reaching out to RL people who can wrap their arms around you and your son. That is a dreadful situation.
I'm in Texas, too. Would you like me to try to help you find resources for support?
What kind of support are you getting from friends and family? I hope you are reaching out to RL people who can wrap their arms around you and your son. That is a dreadful situation.
I'm in Texas, too. Would you like me to try to help you find resources for support?
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Teggie,
There was a time I was SURE my son would die from his disease and soon. Its been six years, and to tell you the truth, his addiction probably came closer to killing me than him on occasion. I know it can happen, but I no longer convince myself that it will happen today, and that it will happen because I didn't stop it.
For me, a large part of my feelings were due to thinking I was in control. I wasn't, I'm still not, and unless he chooses to help himself there's little I can do but pray that he stays safe, and decides some day to step out of harms way.
Trying to do anything else will drive you mad (literally)...then your son has no one to be there for him.
I agree...it's not fair to expect you to stand by and watch, nor is it fair to your son.
Maybe its time to file in order to see what your options are in having him live elsewhere?
(((Hugs)))
There was a time I was SURE my son would die from his disease and soon. Its been six years, and to tell you the truth, his addiction probably came closer to killing me than him on occasion. I know it can happen, but I no longer convince myself that it will happen today, and that it will happen because I didn't stop it.
For me, a large part of my feelings were due to thinking I was in control. I wasn't, I'm still not, and unless he chooses to help himself there's little I can do but pray that he stays safe, and decides some day to step out of harms way.
Trying to do anything else will drive you mad (literally)...then your son has no one to be there for him.
I agree...it's not fair to expect you to stand by and watch, nor is it fair to your son.
Maybe its time to file in order to see what your options are in having him live elsewhere?
(((Hugs)))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Thank you all, sometimes I just need a lil kick in the arse to get going again. Anvil, I luv you gf, you always hit the nail right on the head and your comment about the gnome totally cracked me up. I haven't laughed like that for days. And tc & sofa thank you for helping me see things with clarity.
I have been giving some real serious thought to what I need to do. I felt like a decision needed to be made. I felt like I needed to make an informed decision and not base it by what spews from AH's mouth. I just got through having a long conversation with AH's buddy who has been trying to help him by holding his meds and accompanying him to his MHMR appts. I simply asked him how things were progressing because I was at the point that if AH was not going to seek help for himself then I was going to file for divorce and force him off the property. Since I do not talk to AH I had no way of knowing what path he was taking, whether he was trying to get help or not. My question was whether AH was seeking help or not. I also told him I had seen the scuzzbuckets around and felt, from experience, that he may be supplmenting his supply. Buddy knows that I cannot talk to AH face to face about this and that no direct contact is needed right now. He and I have discussed things before and he is aware of AH's history and understands why I am doing what I am doing. He is prob the only clean friend AH has.
According to the buddy AH has been going through these past 2 weeks with supervised pill managment to medically stablize him for inpatient treatment. After he got turned down at 2 different ER's and was desperate they went to MHMR and MHMR set up the dr appt to arrange supervised pill managment. They have an appt next week at the MHMR to determine if he is ready for placement. If so he is to be admitted, or placed on the waiting list for the next availible bed for a 30-90 day treatment.
He asked that I please hold off on making any major decisions until he is either placed or decides not to be placed. If AH refuses to be placed then buddy says he will not help him anymore. He says he will be done at that point. He says he will keep me informed of what happens. The appt is next week. So I should know at that time.
For now I have tentavily agreed to hold off until this occurs. If he refuses to go to rehab I will file the divorce papers and force him off my property. I don't know that anything in our marriage is salvagable, heck I don't even know if rehab will help, but if he gets treatment and works a active recovery I will be open to maybye seeking some counseling to explore that. I feel that I owe that to our son.
I hope that I am making a wise decision, I am detached but I do still care about what happens to him. His future may not be with us but I hope he has a sober future. I hope he decides to accept the help. I am firm on one thing:
No treatment = divorce. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And I can and will follow through on that boundry.
tj & cece thank you for your support, I do have a wonderful mother and friends and am active in Alanon. Thank god for that or I would be in the insane asylum!
Any insight is sorely welcomed, I need my SR family. I would be lost without y'all.
Hugs,
Teggie
I have been giving some real serious thought to what I need to do. I felt like a decision needed to be made. I felt like I needed to make an informed decision and not base it by what spews from AH's mouth. I just got through having a long conversation with AH's buddy who has been trying to help him by holding his meds and accompanying him to his MHMR appts. I simply asked him how things were progressing because I was at the point that if AH was not going to seek help for himself then I was going to file for divorce and force him off the property. Since I do not talk to AH I had no way of knowing what path he was taking, whether he was trying to get help or not. My question was whether AH was seeking help or not. I also told him I had seen the scuzzbuckets around and felt, from experience, that he may be supplmenting his supply. Buddy knows that I cannot talk to AH face to face about this and that no direct contact is needed right now. He and I have discussed things before and he is aware of AH's history and understands why I am doing what I am doing. He is prob the only clean friend AH has.
According to the buddy AH has been going through these past 2 weeks with supervised pill managment to medically stablize him for inpatient treatment. After he got turned down at 2 different ER's and was desperate they went to MHMR and MHMR set up the dr appt to arrange supervised pill managment. They have an appt next week at the MHMR to determine if he is ready for placement. If so he is to be admitted, or placed on the waiting list for the next availible bed for a 30-90 day treatment.
He asked that I please hold off on making any major decisions until he is either placed or decides not to be placed. If AH refuses to be placed then buddy says he will not help him anymore. He says he will be done at that point. He says he will keep me informed of what happens. The appt is next week. So I should know at that time.
For now I have tentavily agreed to hold off until this occurs. If he refuses to go to rehab I will file the divorce papers and force him off my property. I don't know that anything in our marriage is salvagable, heck I don't even know if rehab will help, but if he gets treatment and works a active recovery I will be open to maybye seeking some counseling to explore that. I feel that I owe that to our son.
I hope that I am making a wise decision, I am detached but I do still care about what happens to him. His future may not be with us but I hope he has a sober future. I hope he decides to accept the help. I am firm on one thing:
No treatment = divorce. Nothing changes if nothing changes. And I can and will follow through on that boundry.
tj & cece thank you for your support, I do have a wonderful mother and friends and am active in Alanon. Thank god for that or I would be in the insane asylum!
Any insight is sorely welcomed, I need my SR family. I would be lost without y'all.
Hugs,
Teggie
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hey teggie, i'm so sorry that he don't seem to have other options outside of the back yard. i think you don't have anything to feel guilty about, he's where he is because of the choices he is making. i understand your situation but imo, him being in the backyard is kind of like him having his cake and eating it too.
an active addict don't really care about where they are able to do their drugs as long as they can do it in peace. seems to me, he has a safe drug haven. while in my using days, i would have been more than happy to move into my own personal drug den where nobody would interfere. i'm sorry but i honestly don't see how you can find any peace with him out back, seems like a front row seat to me.
really, i guess something about this arrangement kind of rubs me the wrong way. even though he's not in the house, he's still in your face.
an active addict don't really care about where they are able to do their drugs as long as they can do it in peace. seems to me, he has a safe drug haven. while in my using days, i would have been more than happy to move into my own personal drug den where nobody would interfere. i'm sorry but i honestly don't see how you can find any peace with him out back, seems like a front row seat to me.
really, i guess something about this arrangement kind of rubs me the wrong way. even though he's not in the house, he's still in your face.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Texas
Posts: 341
Your so right teke. It is a bad arrangment and is damaging to me and the kids. He's too close and in our faces right now. It's difficult to try to go ahead with my recovery while he's out there looking like he's dying before our eyes.
Thats why I felt a decision had to be made. I can't stand being in limbo and the way it was going was keeping me and my sanity in limbo. Not knowing what the plan was.
So the decision has been made. If he does not go to rehab within the next few weeks I am filing the divorce papers and forcing him off the property. And I only came to that decision when his buddy told me that rehab was planned. I found a site for document preparation that I have already filled out. I just have to purchase them and file them with the court. In it I am asking for full custody of our son. I think it is in our sons best interest.
If he does go to rehab then more decisions need to be made down the road. I am really of the mindset that this relationship is not salvagable. Too much hurt has happened. But if he's going to get help then I can hold off on my actions and let him get treatment first. I really think it's life or death for him right now.
At least I know I am making this decision in a clear conscience. This is his choice. And he only has 2 options:
1. Go to treatment and then work a recovery. I might let him stay in the shop if he works a recovery until he gets on his feet, unless he goes to a halfway house.
2. Blow rehab off and get divorce papers filed and forced off the property.
Either way I think I've got some peace headed my way that I really need.
Hugs,
Teggie
Thats why I felt a decision had to be made. I can't stand being in limbo and the way it was going was keeping me and my sanity in limbo. Not knowing what the plan was.
So the decision has been made. If he does not go to rehab within the next few weeks I am filing the divorce papers and forcing him off the property. And I only came to that decision when his buddy told me that rehab was planned. I found a site for document preparation that I have already filled out. I just have to purchase them and file them with the court. In it I am asking for full custody of our son. I think it is in our sons best interest.
If he does go to rehab then more decisions need to be made down the road. I am really of the mindset that this relationship is not salvagable. Too much hurt has happened. But if he's going to get help then I can hold off on my actions and let him get treatment first. I really think it's life or death for him right now.
At least I know I am making this decision in a clear conscience. This is his choice. And he only has 2 options:
1. Go to treatment and then work a recovery. I might let him stay in the shop if he works a recovery until he gets on his feet, unless he goes to a halfway house.
2. Blow rehab off and get divorce papers filed and forced off the property.
Either way I think I've got some peace headed my way that I really need.
Hugs,
Teggie
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