Boyfriend is Recovering Addict, but possibly using
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Rachel,
I think it’s a very HEALTHY decision on your part NOT to meet him in person. Your heart and head are not running together jointly right now and its so easy for those heart strings to get pulled. They pull us back into a direction our minds know we shouldn’t.
Keep reminding yourself that this is about you not him or his addiction. Don’t worry about “being nice” not having any impact on his addiction, that kind of thinking lies with you still trying to control it and him. At this point it doesn’t matter, all that matters is HOW his addiction affects YOU and that you want no part of it.
Remind yourself that lies and manipulation come with addiction and so does DENIAL. You don’t want to end up in a debate with him over it because all that does is come down to, you say he is using, he says he’s not………..it doesn’t go much farther then that.
And remind yourself that you ARE taking the high road, you know that, your parents know that and your TRUE friends know that, it’s not important that HE or his friends see or know that.
When you write down and prepare yourself for this conversation with him, keep it simple. I know you want to get all your feelings out and tell him exactly how you feel but keep in mind you are going to be having a conversation with an active addict, a person who is not capable of understanding anything right now except getting drugs, using drugs, getting more drugs, using more drugs then getting more and using more.
A long time ago in al-anon a woman shared how she would wait until her husband was not consuming alcohol to have serious talks with him. She was reminded that just because he wasn’t consuming alcohol at that moment didn’t mean she wasn’t having that serious talk with a saturated alcoholic brain, the same goes for drugs.
Keep your conversation simple and don’t lose your focus of your objective - to get yourself out and away from someone using drugs.
Good luck………..
I think it’s a very HEALTHY decision on your part NOT to meet him in person. Your heart and head are not running together jointly right now and its so easy for those heart strings to get pulled. They pull us back into a direction our minds know we shouldn’t.
Keep reminding yourself that this is about you not him or his addiction. Don’t worry about “being nice” not having any impact on his addiction, that kind of thinking lies with you still trying to control it and him. At this point it doesn’t matter, all that matters is HOW his addiction affects YOU and that you want no part of it.
Remind yourself that lies and manipulation come with addiction and so does DENIAL. You don’t want to end up in a debate with him over it because all that does is come down to, you say he is using, he says he’s not………..it doesn’t go much farther then that.
And remind yourself that you ARE taking the high road, you know that, your parents know that and your TRUE friends know that, it’s not important that HE or his friends see or know that.
When you write down and prepare yourself for this conversation with him, keep it simple. I know you want to get all your feelings out and tell him exactly how you feel but keep in mind you are going to be having a conversation with an active addict, a person who is not capable of understanding anything right now except getting drugs, using drugs, getting more drugs, using more drugs then getting more and using more.
A long time ago in al-anon a woman shared how she would wait until her husband was not consuming alcohol to have serious talks with him. She was reminded that just because he wasn’t consuming alcohol at that moment didn’t mean she wasn’t having that serious talk with a saturated alcoholic brain, the same goes for drugs.
Keep your conversation simple and don’t lose your focus of your objective - to get yourself out and away from someone using drugs.
Good luck………..
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
I did it.
I called him and broke up with him. I began by saying how much I cared for him and know he cares for me, but that it cant work.
He said he thought at this point in our relationship that I wouldn't have broken up with him over the phone, which hurt really badly. Part of me feels like I copped out.
I responded by saying that it was too hard to see him, that I need a definite break, that I can't do it. I said I was sorry for his hurt and disappointment, but that I felt it to. I asked if he had anything to say and he said no, so we said goodbye.
It hurts so much, i'm so sad and now feel guilty and ashamed that I didn't go up to see him. He was so together on the phone and I feel like considering everything he deserved us to meet and talk. I feel like I did something immature...
I know that maybe it was the "healthy thing" to do, that maybe if I had seen him in person I would feel so much for him that this would be hard in a different way... that I would feel so drawn to him again- which I am feeling a bit now. But maybe this will help him get over it, I guess it is his way of fighting back- finding a flaw in the way I did it, so that I am the immature one. Ugh, but I do feel that a break up over the phone is bad.
I called him and broke up with him. I began by saying how much I cared for him and know he cares for me, but that it cant work.
He said he thought at this point in our relationship that I wouldn't have broken up with him over the phone, which hurt really badly. Part of me feels like I copped out.
I responded by saying that it was too hard to see him, that I need a definite break, that I can't do it. I said I was sorry for his hurt and disappointment, but that I felt it to. I asked if he had anything to say and he said no, so we said goodbye.
It hurts so much, i'm so sad and now feel guilty and ashamed that I didn't go up to see him. He was so together on the phone and I feel like considering everything he deserved us to meet and talk. I feel like I did something immature...
I know that maybe it was the "healthy thing" to do, that maybe if I had seen him in person I would feel so much for him that this would be hard in a different way... that I would feel so drawn to him again- which I am feeling a bit now. But maybe this will help him get over it, I guess it is his way of fighting back- finding a flaw in the way I did it, so that I am the immature one. Ugh, but I do feel that a break up over the phone is bad.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Rachel,
Good for you!! I’m proud of you for finding the strength to let go. Please try not to beat yourself up over the manner in which you did this.
Yes in a HEALTHY relationship with TWO HEALTHY people who’ve been together for a period of time, breaking up in person is the best way to approach it. BUT we are not talking about a healthy relationship with two healthy people. One of those people is an opiate addict and the other is beginning to find her way towards healthy!!!!
We do the best with what we know and have at the time and you handled this with strength, class and dignity no matter what your codie thinking may be telling you right now.
Good for you!! I’m proud of you for finding the strength to let go. Please try not to beat yourself up over the manner in which you did this.
Yes in a HEALTHY relationship with TWO HEALTHY people who’ve been together for a period of time, breaking up in person is the best way to approach it. BUT we are not talking about a healthy relationship with two healthy people. One of those people is an opiate addict and the other is beginning to find her way towards healthy!!!!
We do the best with what we know and have at the time and you handled this with strength, class and dignity no matter what your codie thinking may be telling you right now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
It's just hard because he handled it well, he was calm and rational about wanting to see me- he had said we could go for a walk or to a coffee shop, and so he did know we would break up. I was scared that he would try to get back together and that it would make me feel worse, but now my not following through with a "fair" break up is making me feel worse... And about myself, which sucks. I felt before that if I didnt see him that I would keep feeling like he was a bad person, but now I feel like the bad person
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Rachel)) - just because he sounded "together" doesn't mean he doesn't know how to manipulate, like most good addicts (trust me, I'm a recovering addict). That's probably why he wanted to see you, so bad....to keep stringing you along. I've had 3 XABF's - they're pros at it.
You did what was best for YOU, he's a big boy and will be just fine....promise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You did what was best for YOU, he's a big boy and will be just fine....promise.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 729
Letting go is not easy. I miss him very much. But I either had to let go of him or be consumed by the obsessing of whether he was or was not high. It is hard for me knowing he is leaving the country to go to war and I may never see him again, but the bottom line is I want to be free from the bondage his drug addiction created for me. I spent more time worrying about him than me. Eventhough I said I did not. I can see it now being less than a week out.
God bless you in whatever decision you make. We all know it is tough. We all love the person that is not the addict, but I want that person all the time and it was not happening.
God bless you in whatever decision you make. We all know it is tough. We all love the person that is not the addict, but I want that person all the time and it was not happening.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
My therapist never told me not to go back to my AH. She just said there was something I had not learned yet. Finally after enough pain, 51% of me couldn't do it anymore.In my case my AH was definitely progressing ; from beer to Vodka, pot to Methadone and Sudafed? making meth? and growing pot. I got tired of driving him (he lost his license). I felt used. I stopped trusting him. It was like having a teenager. Now I don't have the crazies and chaos anymore and it is good. It took a long time to decide. It takes what it takes. I was going to Alanon too and he didn'tlike that. I got so I was afraid of being with him too financially. He wasn't responsible. But for you you will know. But if 51% of him wants to use, he will .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 24
Well, after a little reflection I realized that I called him because I knew if I saw him face to face that I would want his comfort and to comfort him, which are not constructive. I gave him two nights of dealing with this before and it was always so confusing after. So I am happy that I called and got it done with.
In the strangest twist of fate I decided to round up all of his things to give to salvation army. There was a pair of pants I was altering for him and because of my habit of distrust lately I started to check the pockets. In one of them I found a prescription for liver testing and it said the reason was "starting Suboxone", which I know is how he got off heroin. The big point of the story is that he told me he got clean in the spring and quickly relapsed in the summer and had been clean since. The date on the prescription was October 5, 2009... That was a few weeks before we started dating and a few weeks or so after he broke up with his ex. Now I have more proof than I will ever need. He lied about the end of his last relationship, he lied about when he got clean, he probably never did... Now I'm just hurt and angry and scared about all of the other things he could have lied about. It's very painful, but it is a relief to know that I did the right thing.
In the strangest twist of fate I decided to round up all of his things to give to salvation army. There was a pair of pants I was altering for him and because of my habit of distrust lately I started to check the pockets. In one of them I found a prescription for liver testing and it said the reason was "starting Suboxone", which I know is how he got off heroin. The big point of the story is that he told me he got clean in the spring and quickly relapsed in the summer and had been clean since. The date on the prescription was October 5, 2009... That was a few weeks before we started dating and a few weeks or so after he broke up with his ex. Now I have more proof than I will ever need. He lied about the end of his last relationship, he lied about when he got clean, he probably never did... Now I'm just hurt and angry and scared about all of the other things he could have lied about. It's very painful, but it is a relief to know that I did the right thing.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Rachel))) - though I think you knew, all along, I'm glad you got more "proof". For me, it never hurts to have a little more validation, though the painful FEELINGS hurt
Big hugs and prayers, sweetie!
Amy
Big hugs and prayers, sweetie!
Amy
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