lam9132

Hi there --

I have just started going to Alanon meetings at the urging of my now ex-boyfriend's mom and my ex-husband. My ex-H is a recovering alcoholic -- been recovering about 5 years -- divorced from him for 8 years. My sister is an addict. I thought she was recovering, but I believe that she's using again.

I was with the boyfriend for 7 years. He smokes pot and or hashish, and several times a day, binge drinks, smokes opium and does cocaine. I didn't know that he used cocaine until I had been seeing him for several years. I gave him an ultimatum and he told me that he had stopped. I don't live with him, and only see him on the weekends.

I was in denial about his substance abuse for a long time. He is a successful business owner, and always seems to accomplish his work, so I didn't make any attempts to control his alcohol/drug use -- other than the one time when I found out he binged on cocaine (was sick for two days) and he promised me he would stop.

For about the last year he has been hanging out with some folks who are hardcore cocaine users. He has made excuses for not seeing me. I found out that he cheated on me about two years ago and he blamed it on being drunk. He's had blackouts from alcohol as recently as August of this year.

He's verbally abusive to me. Less so when he's stoned; horrible when he's drunk. I've thought that maybe he had a personality disorder -- narcissism or maybe even that he's a sociopath. He lies. In the past month I found out that he subscribed to an "adult" dating site and was emailing other women.

My mom died in December '08, my stepdad in December '09 -- with both deaths he was completely unsupportive -- got drunk a couple weeks after my mom died and launched into a crazy rant. I cried for two days. With my stepdad's death, he made me late for the memorial service, got drunk afterwards, picked a fight and left. I haven't seen him since that will be a month ago tomorrow.

I've talked to his mom and she assures me that he has a much bigger drug problem than I realize. His brother is a recovering addict, goes to Narkanon and has said that my boyfriend's name comes up frequently in meetings -- but of course won't tell us the details because of the confidentiality requirements. HIS mom told me that I am in an abusive relationship, that he is an addict and that I should go no contact, go to alanon and work on taking care of myself. My friends and family say the same.

I know it's all true. I'm just struggling with no contact. I'm struggling with knowing whether he is a coke addict. I guess that doesn't matter -- I know he has issues with alcohol and pot. I don't even know what to look for to know how much coke he's doing. His mom believes that he's killing himself. She also told me that I should get HIV tested. I've never seen needle marks in his arms, so I don't understand the HIV part -- unless she's concerned that he's cheated on me on a regular basis. Again -- I wouldn't know what he's doing during the week. Sometimes when I would go to see him on a Saturday and he was out with the guys on Friday night he would sleep until 6:00 or 7:00 p.m. . . which I thought was really odd. He's irrational -- calling me in the middle of the night to accuse me of sleeping with another man, blaming me for provoking him and trying to control him. He's yelled at me for "not allowing me to see his friends" --- when I haven't even seen him for a month. I don't get it.

I do know that he has horrible mood swings. His face is very veiny and lately he's lost a lot of weight and his skin is grayish. My crack addict sister says that his behavior is consistent with coke addiction.

I've been trying to work through things with him, but I am so depressed and tired. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning. I can't focus on anything. I have blocked his calls and texts from my phone. Blocked him from emailing me. I'm going for std tests. I am so unbelieveably sad. I know intellectually that I didn't cause this. I know I can't change it. I just don't want to be sad anymore. I'm afraid for his health and I'm afraid for my health.

Sorry this is so long . . . at my alanon meetings people don't talk much about the details of what they are going through and I'm not sure how much is appropriate to share. Thanks for letting me vent. I'd appreciate any advice whatsoever.

outtolunch

He's doing what addicts do.
Sounds like you are making emotionally healthy decisions for yourself.




It takes time to grieve over a relationship gone bad. It takes time to grieve over the loss of one's parents. Have you considered getting one on one professional grief counseling with a therapist? It could make a positive difference in how you feel.

tchappy

"I've thought that maybe he had a personality disorder -- narcissism or maybe even that he's a sociopath. He lies. In the past month I found out that he subscribed to an "adult" dating site and was emailing other women."

I think you may be onto something there with the above comment. While I was reading your story, it sounded so much like my Ex ABF. The exact same behaviors. I found a book called The Sociopath Next Door. Read it and I think you may see your boyfriend in there, I did with mine. Some people just do not have a conscience and when you add doing drugs on top of that it makes for a bad combination.

Please try and focus on yourself and get your self esteem back and go to those meetings. I think if you focus more on yourself you will find you will feel a whole lot better.

Take care!

lam9132

I have been in counseling to deal with the grief. My insurance doesn't cover it, so I can't go as often as I would like. I just found out that hospice will offer free one-on-one grief counseling, so I am going to take advantage of that. I am angry at the ex-BF for so many things, but today I've been thinking about how his antics over the past year have really distracted me from properly grieving my parents. His issues somehow became central and I'm sad and I'm angry that I haven't had the time or energy to deal with the grief from losing two parents in a year. I am trying to do all that I need to heal -- going to the gym, going to alanon, hanging out with friends, reading. I am going to ask my doc for anti-depressants tomorrow, because it seems that no matter how hard I try to process through all of this, I still have a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. Throwing a load of laundry in the washer is a major undertaking. I am going to work, but that seems to be about all that I can force myself to do. I feel stupid for staying with this man for so long and letting him deceive me and letting him take the focus off what was important.

Chino

You just started meetings, are working out at the gym, and hanging out with friends. You're doing a lot right now and good things for yourself, and you will feel better as time passes. Maybe squeeze in a power nap every now and then?

About fifteen years ago I sunk into depression and didn't even realize it. There was stuff going on in my life that I couldn't handle. I woke up one morning, got my kids to school, then crawled back into bed and blissful sleep for the rest of the day. That went on for two months. Then one day I woke up, jumping out of bed and ready to seize the day.

That's when it hit me, that I just survived clinical depression. All that sleep gave my brain and body time to get in sync with each other. I started my third round of therapy right away, knowing it might come back again, which it did. The next time lasted two weeks, then two days. I finally learned how to manage it: listen to my body and stop fighting it. If I need an hour nap or quiet time now, I take it.

Please grab as many quiet moments as you can for yourself. You've been through a lot, have a lot of hard work to do and you're in my prayers.