hopingicanhelp

Ok, this could be long. I am sure none of you remember me, it has been a long time since I posted anything b/c I am no longer with the person that I was here for. To make a long story short, my ex b/f was a crackhead, he also had many emotional and trust issues, I honestly think maybe he was Schizophrenic with multiple personalities as well. He was wonderful one minute, and the next he was accusing me of cheating, and all sorts of things, he choked me twice, and mentally and emotionally abused me for the year we were together. We separated in Oct of 2008. I met my now b/f soon after for fear of being alone and getting sucked back into a life with my ex. All is good with my b/f now. But recently my ex b/f's new g/f contacted me on facebook, asking me all kinds of questions about him, and telling me he was doing some of those things to her. I talked to her on the phone for like 4 hours telling her everything I could think of, so maybe she would leave him. It was so scary, it was like I was talking to myself just a year before. Everything she was saying was matching up with what happened to me, she was so hopeful, thinking she could help him, thinking if she just did "this" or "that" he would get better. I tried telling her he would never get better, he has a very long history. I never like to say never, but honestly I don't believe he will EVER get better. Even without drugs, he is crazy, and all messed up, that is why he turns to drugs. So anways, I really feel like I should do something, but in reality I know there is nothing I can do. But I feel like I want to somehow stop him from doing this to another person...but I cant. I just don't wanna be watching the news one day and find out he finally went too far and she is dead. She also has 3 kids...which makes it even worse. I find myself looking at their facebooks all the time, trying to see, How bad it is so far? She just posted that she quit her job to "spend more time with her family." He tried and tried to get me to quit my job, but that is one place i did draw the line. And I see him becoming friends on there with all his old drug buddies...and while we were together, if he didn't go around those ppl, he didn't usually do drugs, but he couldn't be around them and not do them. I know it's really NOT my problem anymore. I am with someone else, I am pregnant with my 2nd child. I am overall happy with my life. But why do I feel somewhat responsible for what is happening to this girl? It's not my fault, but I wish I could help her. I wish after I talked to her she would have woke up, and LEFT!!! Why are we so stupid??

suki44883

You aren't stupid, sweetie...you got OUT! Unfortunately, there is nothing we can do to help someone who doesn't want help. She knows all about him from your conversation with her. If she chooses to not listen to your warnings, there's really nothing else you can do. I know it sucks, but that's just the way it is.

I'm glad to hear that you have moved on and made your life better. Congratulations on the soon to be new baby! (((HUGS)))

hopingicanhelp

Thanks! The craziest part about when I told her, the next day HE sent me a msg on facebook and said "Leave me, and my girl alone. We both know the only reason you are medaling in our lives in b/c you want me back." So I sent her a text to her phone that just said this "I'm sorry if you can't truly see yet, but I hope for you and your kids that soon you do, he won't change, and you need to leave. I said I will leave you alone, just know, both of you, I DON'T AT ALL WANT HIM BACK!!!" LOL. The ONLY reason they could have for even thinking that is because I found out a couple months prior that he was working down the road from my job, and my house...and it had been like 6 or 7 months since we split, I literally had had NO contact w/ him at all. And I stopped by his job one day to talk to him, FOR ME, I needed to vent and tell him how much he hurt me, and tell him what he did to me was wrong. I needed to do it to move on with my life. And after that, I had no contact with him until she contacted me. I hadn't even really thought about them until then...and ever since it's in the back of my mind. I just feel bad for her, but yet she just can't see yet...and when you're not ready to see, you just can't.

Hunny1116

I know just how you feel, hopingicanhelp! I sadly watched my ex wreck more women's lives after I left him. Truth is....no one could have convinced me in the beginning that we were a train wreck waiting to happen, even though all the signs were there. I chose not to see them, or believe them, or whatever. Denial....

She must be questioning her relationship with him to call you....You did what you could in sharing your experience with her. I think you should let it go and move on with your life. If she contacts you again, point her to Alanon or Naranon or this SR message board.

Keep up the good work by focusing on you and your family! A new baby....how wonderful!

endzoner

thats why hes your X.... your had done what you think needed to be done , tho its more then the next person mite do . Perhaps you mite wish to block both of them off your facebook so they cant bother you. just an idea ..~ huggles Endzy ~

hello-kitty

I think it was really sweet that you tried to help his new GF. And now she has all that info in her head. If she wants to do something about her situation she can -- or not.

I think it's a good idea to stay out of the relationships of others, especially when it comes to crazy schizophrenic ex boyfriends. I can't even tell my best friend I think her husband is a drug addict, much less my ex boyfriends current girlfriend. It's something in the delivery of the message... it's something they have to learn on their own... just like we did.

Blocking both of them is a great idea. They don't get a notification message or anything. You just disappear from their feed. I blocked my ex. I didn't want him to know what I was doing in my life. I also didn't want him posting on my wall where others could see it.

Insulated

All in all, you have just become her alli. She'll be back in touch with you eventually.

teke

ok, you given her the heads up now i like what endzoner said, BLOCK THEM BOTH OFF OF YOUR FACEBOOK amd continue moving forward. he's her problem now.

soberinwpg

Over a year ago I found out that a friend of mine was dating my ex. I immediately e-mailed her and said "Watch out. He's a psychopath". She never responded. Now I have conversations with her about 2 times a week where she tells me all the stuff that he does. Which is exactly what he did with me.
She knows. I know. She just thinks she can change him. I listen and I pray for both of them.
The minute I stopped trying to control their relationship, trying to warn her, trying to fix things was when my mind became calmer.
Everyone has a lesson to learn. Let them learn theirs.

coffeedrinker

you have a big heart, hoping, and it's clear that she trusts him because she talked to him after your conversation (which is really weird imo - i woulda kept it to myself and started really watching him). what i am now concerned about is you getting sucked into the drama of these people's lives. i think it seems that you are not yet "done" with him, evidenced by your need to get rid of some garbage that's inside you. no blame here! it's a tough, tough thing to do when you've been abused. i would suggest that you continue to work on yourself.

also, there has been a lot of posting here recently from people that have really come out on the "other side" of their co-dependency issues. it would be great to hear from you more often!

ItsmeAlice

Let go or be dragged, hopingicanhelp.

She reached out to you, you went to talk to him, he's leaving you messages....you have gotten yourself into this relationship without ever wanting to. Drop that drama like a hot potato and get out now.

When I read your post I was thinking that any contact is bad contact. You talked the girlfriend for four hours. That was sweet of you but that was more than enough to get you sucked right back in. It doesn't take much more than that to do it. Get back to your life, it's too short to waste on them.

Some of my experience...I've quit smoking many times in the past. Whenever I would get the desire to have a cigarette I would swear I wouldn't pick up the habit all over again, but inevitably I would be up to a pack a day in a week or two. I finally decided 3 years ago that enough was enough and I quit again. Well, that desire to have a cigarrette pops back up now and again (usually in a social settings with others smoking) and I have had to change my thinking. Instead of thinking I'll have just this one and not pick it up again (yeah right)...I have to push myself to think that smoking at all is a pack a day habit, period. There's no in between.

Contact with your EX in anyway (even through helping his GF get out) is a relationship with him and is unhealthy for you, period. There's no in between.

Alice

Live

I have told SOME of the gfs following me a few things...two out of how many have listened to what I said, I figure that is 2 less people who had to flounder in the dark the way I did. I wish someone from his past had talked to me, that is why I do try to tell his new victims that if they have problems or questions they can phone me.

What they do with things is up to them. Maybe they do not want to hear that warning now, but later down the road they may say, hmmm..maybe this is a pattern?

But we are way past and over with, so that the things between he and I are non-issues now.

just my two cents,
live

outtolunch

Tell her about this wonderful site and accept that the rest is up to her.