coffeedrinker

thank you, anvil, for bringing this to light. i think it's something that we either don't WANT to consider, or something that simply doesn't occur to us here is her question, pulled from another thread:


i guess what remains to be seen is if the ADDICT was really the PROBLEM? if their ABSENCE was the CURE, then it stands to reason that there wouldn't BE any residual doubt, guilt, endless cyclical thinking and ruminating after the fact. it would be more like plucking a thorn from our foot...problem solved

[please forgive me for using "he". i picked one gender; i am a female]

i have wondered this more times than i care to count. as of yet, i have not come up with the answer.

for many of us, there are cycles, patterns. he would use, we would be upset, or he would be a "dry drunk", we would be upset. then, oh joy! he would decide, either on his own, or via a "come to jesus" meeting, to climb back up on that wagon. there would be a honeymoon phase. but honeymoons don't last forever (even in ideal relationships). did i get unhappy again because he wasn't "workin it" well enough? did i ever create a set-up, where there would be more angst, and then when things calmed down, or he made a renewed commitment, or we went on a family vacation, i felt good inside, and hopeful again? is this a pattern solely on him, or have i done things to perpetuate the pattern?

and this one is related: i am now in a relationship that has also had it's share of dissapointments. am i drawn to unstable people, because then when there is stability is feels so darned good? or do i subtly (in my own thinking perhaps) help these patterns along.

what if things really did get stable and stay there? i mean, like, for the long haul? would the relationship get stale, boring? although i wouldn't ever miss the lows, would i really miss those highs?

(please, make it not be so!)

i realize that i may never know the answer. but i do think that being open, and really at least trying too look at my own self, is always a good thing.

wicked

okay, all i can say is what you said. oh my.

would it become stale just because it was stable?
i have never known this (stable) so i am curious what others think.

especially those who have been in a good relationship for the long haul.

justtired

I've had the same thoughts. I have "job hopped" most of my working career. Stay at a place for about a year and a half and off I go. I get bored easily. I wonder myself If I've stayed as long as with my abf as I have because I had a constant quest. Things have absolutely never gotten stale.

But I've also been thinking there are other ways to go about making my life and relationships interesting... I think knowing this about myself, will help me do this in a healthy manner, not in a destructive one.

tchappy

I posted something titled Need is mistaken for Love a couple weeks ago because it really opened my eyes to the part I played in my relationship with the exabf and other past relationships that were not so good.

At least for me...I had to admit to myself that I had become so used to the drama and the feeling of being needed from relationships with addicts that I actually missed it when it was gone.

So, I am working on myself now and learning to not be a control freak/ codie. I'm working on loving myself and being happy with myself and peace in my life so that in the future, I don't go looking for anymore drama or men to take care of and make me feel needed. I don't want to ever find myself wondering or questioning myself if I made the right decision when I chose happiness and sanity over an addict. I should never question if that is wrong.

Hope that makes sense... ; )

Insulated

There were a lot of things wrong in my relationship with my A/Abf. One day I told him I don't want to be needed. I want to be wanted. It changed everything from that moment forward.

coffeedrinker

so....(not sarcastic here)....how's that going for you?

(hint: give us hope!)

tchappy

Well….it is going pretty good. Since I have been focusing more on what I want and taking care of my needs, my life seems to be brighter! I just had to realize that it is NOT selfish to put yourself first and that helped.

I turn 40 next month and a year ago I believe I would have been very depressed at the thought of turning 40 with no man in my life. But, that is not the case now. For the 1st time in my adult life I am happy in my own skin and enjoy my own company. I’m not looking for a man to fill the void like I used to because there is not a void anymore. Before when a relationship would end for whatever reason, I would usually try and get back in the dating scene right away. I guess to fill the void or because I needed to be needed.

That need to be needed and have something going on in my life (drama I guess) other than just ME usually caused some very bad decisions on my part. I ended up with men that needed to be taken care of or that I felt sorry for in some way or another. Most of the time that meant a man with an addiction or men who needed someone to make themselves feel better because their own self esteem was so low. So, in turn they really had nothing to give in the relationship.

Even though the process of getting over the end of my relationship with my ex ABF is still fairly new ( almost 2 months now), I feel pretty good about myself and am truly happy! I actually am to the point of being thankful for that relationship, because it brought me to MY bottom…to my knees actually. I went thru some pretty powerful emotions after I made him leave..I felt so vulnerable and RAW because it was a real eye opener the realization that I actually had a part in PICKING him. It was not all his fault come to find out.

Hope this answers your question Coffeedrinker….and thanks for asking and letting me share!

coffeedrinker

and thank you. thank you for your honesty. it actually feels good to be able to have that kind of honesty and not feel ashamed, doesn't it?

you give hope to all of us:ghug3

meditation

I think it maybe a two way deal. I am a recovering addict. I always looked to be wanted, and taken care of too, not saying I am helpless but saying that I did not want to have to be the strong female. I saw my mother do this in her marriage, strong strong, and I felt my father was weak and I wanted something different because though I admire her strength I frequently was run rough shod over by it. Now if my spouse is looking to be needed and feel strong our goals on how we want to function as a couple mesh, though who ever comes out and says this or even consciously knows this is going on lol.
So maybe that is how it all starts........ two people looking for the fix in a role and finding the person that meets that "fix". I am probably way way off track on this thinking.

Or this is probably more to the truth....... I sought a strong partner because I grew up feeling subordinate to power?