learningtofly

I know there are alot of people on here that don't agree with drug testing, but it gives ME peace of mind so I choose to. That being said it has been almost 3 weeks since AH took a drug test and tested positive. After that positive test I told him that if he was still using I did not want him in the house.

For the last couple of weeks I haven't seen any signs of use. However the other night he was falling asleep on the couch at 8:30 (he's normally a night owl) A red flag came up when I saw that. I am now thinking of drug testing him, however things have been going really well and I am almost afraid to test him and the results be positive.

This must sound crazy, but things have been going pretty well between us and I just don't want bad news. (me putting my head in the sand I know)I realize if he test positive then it really means that he's not been doing well and it is all a show, but I am torn.

I also am afraid of not being strong enough to go through with my boundry and kick him out which is what I told him last time. If he test positive again then he's out.

This is so hard. It is so much easier said then done.

bdiddy5522

If it is a show, then at some point the show will end. So if he is using again, sounds like sooner or later the truth will come out. He can't act forever.

learningtofly

I think being happy within is probably a long ways away. I do feel some what happy with how he's been acting lately. I'm just afraid of feeling like a fool. I guess to me if I drug test him it tells me for sure (i know there's ways to fake it) he's not doing drugs and I can be at ease that it hasn't been all a lie. I also feel like it's helping make this hard road maybe alittle shorter. (atleast for me)

Is this crazy?

lightseeker

Karrie,

you are right. A lot of people on SR don't agree with drug testing. I am not one of them. Actually, the whole thing of drug testing came up in my home because my RAH asked for it. He is convinced that that was a key component to his ability to get sober. He had random drug testing during his first year of sobriety. After that we chose to stop the random testing and just go on a need basis. There haven't been any needs so far. I know that it sure did make me feel a whole lot better. People talk about how you can fool a drug test but my husband set it up so that he couldn't do that.

It turns out that my 16 year old son has been smoking pot. With that awareness he has now bought himself random drug testing as long as he is in my home. Maybe he will try to trick the test but it's a chance I am willing to take. Maybe it will work for him and maybe it won't....but my experience tells me to at least give it a try.

I say do whatever you need to do to make yourself feel safe. End of story. Life is stressful enough living with an addict/recovering addict that you deserve whatever peace of mind that you can find.

coffeedrinker

karrie,

totally get the fear of turning out to be a fool!

i'm not telling you what i think you should do, but i considered testing, and my idea was to do a test every 3 months. if he has hair that is more than 3 inches long, the drugs stay in the hair follicle for 3 months - one inch per month. it can't be "beaten" and ya know what - he does not have to even know you sent in the sample. this doesn't feel right - it's sneaky and it says you don't trust. but hey, you don't, plain and simple. and after his screw-ups, he does understand that. it just doesn't feel good, for either party.

i have heard a lot of people say that if something doesn't seem right, in your gut, something prob is not right. but even though my b.s. meter is usually fairly good, it has gotten messed up with the deciet and outright lies. mine was using off and on for a year and i did not know!!! it's because he would go out of town periodically, or stay at a friend's place when i wanted "space". he was never good about keeping good communication (like no goodnight phone call every day, etc) so i didn't think it out of character when he would go missing for a half day or even a day. this guy od'd one evening and ended up back at home that night! i still can't believe it. and guess what - i was pretty happy with a lot of things in our lives at that time! i was so proud of him for having three years clean time! so my sense is sometimes ignorant bliss when it shouldn't be, and sometimes the radar goes off just because there are trust issues when nothing really is wrong.

so i'm not gonna give you a hard time for wanting the test, because i know it's only temporary. every time i discover something that confirms a truth it reassures me a little. i would not want to live like this forever, but we need time to rebuild trust and these little assurances along the way help me out. maybe my real truth is that i'm just not as far along as i should be - like some of these other folks here.

bdiddy is right: if it's a show, one day things will start to unravel and the show will end. but that could take a long time, and feeling like you're waiting for the other shoe to drop is really awful. it's tough no matter what.

NoelleR

Hey karrie1207 ---

I just have one minor thing..........you wrote......: '...I know there are alot of people on here that don't agree with drug testing, but it gives ME peace of mind so I choose to..."

This can be very dangerous; it's a FALSE sense of security. Just like the rapist being ordered to take an HIV test so that the rape victim can have some peace of mind (the rapist may have infected the victim, but not show positive for HIV for a long time.

HIV can hide out for a long time (years, even), and drug tests can be faked. I have a very close friend who tested negative for HIV for over 25 years.....until he cam out with full blown AIDS, including being hospitalizec with pheumocycstis pneumonia---he almost died.

I understand your wanting some peace mind; just be realistic, and know that your peace of mind may be a house sitting on shifting sand)....you're a smart woman.......you kin doit..... (o:


NoelleR

sofacat

"First Steps" aren't just for addicts, they're for us too.

cece1960

I'm not sure I get the relationship between the question asked and the question answered here.

Karrie, you do what you are comfortable with. You will eventually know the truth.
Its possible that he was just tired and the night owl was helped by drugs in the past. Or, its possible he was high. Either way, its not your responsibility.

With that said, not taking a drug test doesn't change the fact of whether or not he's using.

cmhcali

Here is my experience. I had a notion my ABF was using and some pretty good evidence. He said what will I have to do to make you trust me I said pee in a cup. He agreed was doing whatever it took. He reminded me he was on a "benzo"

I said no need to worry a 12 panel singles that out and know you will test positive there. We got to store. Got test and he thought he would go to store bathroom to take. I was no dumby 2 addict siblings and an addicted nephew I said oh no you will pee in front of me.

He said wow you really dont trust me. I said no (red flag).

We got to said destination and he said I want you to look up my so-called benzo and I will take the test and we will put this behind us. He produced pills (no prescription) and according to the computer they were OC 30 mg. Omg the doctor messed up and gave him OCs (BS).

Hence an addict will lie at all cost. I saw the writing on the wall. I knew the test would be positive. It didnt make me feel better.

I dont know your experience but all I say is either you are right or wrong and it is your risk to take. your life your happiness.

I am going to Alanon tomorrow. PRAYERS and HUGS in whatever decision you make

breakingfree88

Karrie,
Thanks for starting this thread. My RABF is coming up on his one year of being clean. Problem is, I only halfway believe that he has been 100 percent clean. It hurts me that I don't have enough trust in him, but it is only because his actions in the past have never supported the development of that trust. He continues working his program in NA and picking up the tags, and has planned his 'birthday' for March-and he wants me to come. I really want to be there too, but I'm afraid that my doubt will show through.
I've been struggling with doing a drug test as well-hair analysis, because that's the only one that's gonna bust a crack user. Not meaning to hijack your thread, just letting you know that a lot of us struggle with these decisions and their implications for us personally and our relationships with our addicts-in recovery or not.

mrsck09

I have the same issue with my AH and this last time I was thinking he was messing up - he refused a test and got really really super angry! We got into a huge fight and i basically told him to leave . He did leave and went to his moms house. Now he and his whole family is taking his side. He hasnt taken a u/a for them however he swears he clean- My gut said something was up. I mean, to be that mad at your wife and kids for that would be rediculous , right? Now today he had court and probabiy took a U/a for court order. I didnt go but my point is that he knows how to work the system and cheat it.

then the time before this incident, he took off for a day came home all upset and depressed acting saying he was clean, just upset about our fight - So I dropped a u/a on him - he didnt refuse it and he failed for cocaine. his normal DOC is H.. Then the same day he got called in for a randomn court ordered test said he PASSED ! I am still in shock over this.

After reading these other peoples post I a pretty much have come to the conclusion that i need to gain more piece of mind some how and I am just not there yet.

NoelleR

Hey mrsck09 ----

I've found that the best way for me to gain some peace of mind over my 'A' is to go with my gut; be observant of, and go with, his/her actions (after all, they do speak louder than words, and louder than any drug test I've seen. LOLOL


NoelleR

sofacat

hey Karrie....

You mentioned before that he takes pills. I am not sure if they're painkillers....
but if they are, his pupils will remain small in dimly lit places when he is on them.
My AH knew I knew this, so he would try not to get "jammed" so I wouldn't notice, but over time...I always noticed.

It's a sure "tell".

coffeedrinker

Mine is entering a program in about a week and I already know that if there is a recognition, "graduation" or whatever, I don't think I will go because....well we've been here before. I'm getting worn out.

I am curious why you have said doing a drug test is the only thing that's gonna bust a crack user. You mean the hair test is the only thing? Cuz I just read that crack leaves the body very quickly.

And I'm not sure why so many people say they can beat a UA. Isn't it obvious that if you want the person to drop one, it is sprung on him without his prior knowledge, and you go in the bathroom with him?

learningtofly

Thank you for all of your responses! It is all very good food for thought!

Well I decided to go through with the drug test. When I asked him to take one he said "OK" like it was no big deal. I wented in the bathroom with him and then did the test. He hopped in the shower afterwards and when he got out he said so I told you I was clean (with a smile on his face) I said I haven't given you the results yet. He said I know what the results are because "I have not taken anything since the last drug test" He was right the test was negative! I am very relieved.

I am very aware he could have faked the test. Yes I will find out in the long run if this is really the truth. I can only hope this is the beginning of his recovery.

I do feel more hope now. Not only from the drug test, but his attitude has been alittle better lately. I know I have a long hard road in front of us. I am going to continue going to the Nar-anon meetings and try and work on ME. For TODAY I feel good.

Lightseeker - I like that plan. I believe it is something to hold them accountable to, I think it's also kinda of an award system too. My AH feels as though I may never trust him again. If he passes his drug test it's a way for him to show me that he is telling the truth.
coffeedrinker- I think the hair test may be a good idea too. It is more accurate.
Breakingfree - stick around here and share your story. There are alot of good people here that can help.
Sofacat- I have looked for the small pupils before, but I haven't lately. I will look for that in the future. It's hard though because I still doubt myself that maybe I'm over analyzing. Are they small?Are they too small? Is he in light? Is he not in light? I've done it before and then felt like I really didn't have a clue. LOL

I hope everyone has a good weekend. For TODAY I am going to enjoy it. I never know what tomorrow will bring : )

breakingfree88

coffeedrinker- yes that is what I meant, just typed it strange (sorry). That crack leaves the body SO quickly that unless they were smoking while you got them to pee (LOL), a hair analysis is really the only way you're going to find out if they have been using.

devastated

If your gut tells you he is using again, chances are he is! We all know the signs. Although you try to ignore them, and chalk it up to something else, in the end it always turns out to be DRUGS!

I know how difficult it is to stick to your boundaries; however, once you set them, you have to remain strong and keep them.

One way to remain strong is to remember this. You are not enabling him to continue to use. You are not going to allow him to cripple himself even further. You may help him hit bottom faster.

We all have to make our own choices in this life, he is making his and you have to make yours. There isn't one thing you can do to make him quit. They all have to do this when and if they want it bad enough.

How will they ever know the difference between a warm, loving home vs no place to live, eat or bath, until they experience it.

Stick to your boundaries. Remember you are only helping him this way!

Hugs, Devastated

cmhcali

I know this sounds stupid but as for the eyes. If I think his look weird I immediately look at mine in the mirror in and can tell right away. In dim light there is a big difference. Glad you are working on you!