Ok so update...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Ok so update...
Hi everyone,
sorry i haven't been updating for a long time.
I have been trying to learn to cope with the issues of having a coke addict for a boyfriend, as i wasn't yet "ready" to leave him.
I told him back in November that i no longer could cope with his behaviour changes and taking coke every week.
He agreed he didn't want to do it anymore and contacted an addiction councellor who was a wife of a friend.
However, i feel this was a half hearted attempt at giving up coke.
He called her twice only, and never arranged to go to any form of meetings. He said he would do it his way only. Which was to just abstain.
Problem was he was still selling to his friends which meant he had access to his doc whenever he felt like it.
He kept away from alchohol as much as possble as he knew this would lead him to use coke. He lasted 11 days (which is the longers i ever saw him sober).
He contacted me immediately to tell me how ashamed he felt. I let it go, i tried to be supportive and told him he could start again the next day.
Unfortunately he decided to give up and used about 3 times in 10 days.
I of course became frustrated and upset, and i explained my emotions of wanting him to grow up and be able to live together and eventually have a family of our own and that whith this so active it's an impossible thing for me to contemplate.
He understood, and i tried to turn cope with his use as much as possible over christmas and new year.
I had decided i didn't want 2010 to be the same.
He made sure he spent Xmas day and New years eve sober for me. But he still used between those times and after.
The 2nd of January i was feeling like i'd genuinely had enough.
I will no longer tolerate or accept.
I told him if he continues to take coke, the relationship is over. As i deserve better from him and i cannot waste my time any longer.
He tried to make excuses for his use, he tried to strike a deal (i won't use if you ... blah blah), and i wouldn't listen to any of it.
I said this time there were no excuses, he uses, i'm gone!!
I also said IF he gets serious professional help this time and works some kind of plan, stops selling it and really tried hard, i will be there to support him.
He said he would give it up cold turkey and that's it.
Well, he made it just over a week.
Last night he said he was going out with "the boys" and was just gonna drive them around to the places they wanted to go. He said the fact he was driving meant he couldn't drink or anything so he thought he would be safe.
I told him i had concerns as his friends would use, and he will too.
He was quick to reassure me that if i keep mentionning it, it won't help.
Well he called me several times in the evening (sounding very sober) and informed me where he was and that he would rather come home and watch tv with me. But he had promised his friends he'd drive them.
This was the last i heard from him.
I was awoken this morning to a text message at 5:30 am asking if i would go pick him up from his friends as he couldn't drive home, that he didn't need to hear lectures and just needed me to do this has he had helped me when my car wouldn't start.
I blew.
Maybe i should have kept my cool. But i told him where to stick it.
I hate the selfish man he turns into when on coke. I told him i knew he would use last night. I told him that i knew he would as soon as he told me who he was going out with. I said a lot of things about how he promised this and that and yet he CHOSE to use coke, knowing how devistated i would be.
I have tried to detatch myself from his use. I just can't stop the disappointment i feel every time he destroys my hopes of a future with him.
He is 31 this month. He has just managed to get himself a bank account and he is eager to join a gym and start training and getting fit.
I thought these were good signs.
He told me this morning that i can't expect him to drop his friends and how he won't go get professional help blah blah.
Well i realised this morning that nothing is gonna change. No ammount of me being patient or tolerating or distancing myself will help me, not if i want a future with him.
I told him i was going to stick to what i said last week. He used, the relationship is over.
He tried to make me feel bad about it, by listing all the nice little things he has done for me. Makes no difference to me. No excuse.
You know that feeling where nothing someone can say will help, it's what they do? That feeling where you see the manipulation and quacking for what it is?
I told him he chose coke over me, and that i had learnt my lesson well.
It's gonna be hard for me to get over this. I really do love this man, and at one point i saw him TRY... but he wasn't trying hard enough to beat it.
I know he loves me, which makes this harder. BUT if he loved me enough, surely he would think twice before taking that first line?
Obviously i know nothing of being an addict.
I told him he needs to respect himself like i respect myself.
I guess i just wanted to update everyone and thank you all so much so far for your support.
I am so stupid to keep giving this man chance after chance.
I feel like i have been used. I love him and his family, and i was hoping he would make it this time.
I need to let go of this.
Sorry for ranting.
~Limiya~
sorry i haven't been updating for a long time.
I have been trying to learn to cope with the issues of having a coke addict for a boyfriend, as i wasn't yet "ready" to leave him.
I told him back in November that i no longer could cope with his behaviour changes and taking coke every week.
He agreed he didn't want to do it anymore and contacted an addiction councellor who was a wife of a friend.
However, i feel this was a half hearted attempt at giving up coke.
He called her twice only, and never arranged to go to any form of meetings. He said he would do it his way only. Which was to just abstain.
Problem was he was still selling to his friends which meant he had access to his doc whenever he felt like it.
He kept away from alchohol as much as possble as he knew this would lead him to use coke. He lasted 11 days (which is the longers i ever saw him sober).
He contacted me immediately to tell me how ashamed he felt. I let it go, i tried to be supportive and told him he could start again the next day.
Unfortunately he decided to give up and used about 3 times in 10 days.
I of course became frustrated and upset, and i explained my emotions of wanting him to grow up and be able to live together and eventually have a family of our own and that whith this so active it's an impossible thing for me to contemplate.
He understood, and i tried to turn cope with his use as much as possible over christmas and new year.
I had decided i didn't want 2010 to be the same.
He made sure he spent Xmas day and New years eve sober for me. But he still used between those times and after.
The 2nd of January i was feeling like i'd genuinely had enough.
I will no longer tolerate or accept.
I told him if he continues to take coke, the relationship is over. As i deserve better from him and i cannot waste my time any longer.
He tried to make excuses for his use, he tried to strike a deal (i won't use if you ... blah blah), and i wouldn't listen to any of it.
I said this time there were no excuses, he uses, i'm gone!!
I also said IF he gets serious professional help this time and works some kind of plan, stops selling it and really tried hard, i will be there to support him.
He said he would give it up cold turkey and that's it.
Well, he made it just over a week.
Last night he said he was going out with "the boys" and was just gonna drive them around to the places they wanted to go. He said the fact he was driving meant he couldn't drink or anything so he thought he would be safe.
I told him i had concerns as his friends would use, and he will too.
He was quick to reassure me that if i keep mentionning it, it won't help.
Well he called me several times in the evening (sounding very sober) and informed me where he was and that he would rather come home and watch tv with me. But he had promised his friends he'd drive them.
This was the last i heard from him.
I was awoken this morning to a text message at 5:30 am asking if i would go pick him up from his friends as he couldn't drive home, that he didn't need to hear lectures and just needed me to do this has he had helped me when my car wouldn't start.
I blew.
Maybe i should have kept my cool. But i told him where to stick it.
I hate the selfish man he turns into when on coke. I told him i knew he would use last night. I told him that i knew he would as soon as he told me who he was going out with. I said a lot of things about how he promised this and that and yet he CHOSE to use coke, knowing how devistated i would be.
I have tried to detatch myself from his use. I just can't stop the disappointment i feel every time he destroys my hopes of a future with him.
He is 31 this month. He has just managed to get himself a bank account and he is eager to join a gym and start training and getting fit.
I thought these were good signs.
He told me this morning that i can't expect him to drop his friends and how he won't go get professional help blah blah.
Well i realised this morning that nothing is gonna change. No ammount of me being patient or tolerating or distancing myself will help me, not if i want a future with him.
I told him i was going to stick to what i said last week. He used, the relationship is over.
He tried to make me feel bad about it, by listing all the nice little things he has done for me. Makes no difference to me. No excuse.
You know that feeling where nothing someone can say will help, it's what they do? That feeling where you see the manipulation and quacking for what it is?
I told him he chose coke over me, and that i had learnt my lesson well.
It's gonna be hard for me to get over this. I really do love this man, and at one point i saw him TRY... but he wasn't trying hard enough to beat it.
I know he loves me, which makes this harder. BUT if he loved me enough, surely he would think twice before taking that first line?
Obviously i know nothing of being an addict.
I told him he needs to respect himself like i respect myself.
I guess i just wanted to update everyone and thank you all so much so far for your support.
I am so stupid to keep giving this man chance after chance.
I feel like i have been used. I love him and his family, and i was hoping he would make it this time.
I need to let go of this.
Sorry for ranting.
~Limiya~
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Limiya 
He told me this morning that i can't expect him to drop his friends and how he won't go get professional help blah blah.
~Limiya~
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Yeah i know, i can't control it, and he can't either. Which is why i felt like i had no choice but to say if he continued to use, i am gone.
He used, so i told him i had to stick to what i said this time.
It's difficult when you know what's best but you are powerless.
I have left him to his own devices now, and i will just have to learn to go No Contact and stop myself caving and work on my own recovery.
It's hard to know what to do when they say they want to quit, then don't then say they don't want to quit, then say they do.
I decided to go by his actions and if they didn't improve (which they haven't) then i am to leave.
I really don't know what else i can do if i don't want to go through the same cycle this year.
It's learning to be strong and sticking to your own bounderies.
I am completely powerless and so i would rather be alone and happy than feeling devistated every week.
I just hope he chooses real recovery. I doubt he will though.
Thanks, i know i handled it all wrong, but i didn't know what else to do.
~Limiya~
He used, so i told him i had to stick to what i said this time.
It's difficult when you know what's best but you are powerless.
I have left him to his own devices now, and i will just have to learn to go No Contact and stop myself caving and work on my own recovery.
It's hard to know what to do when they say they want to quit, then don't then say they don't want to quit, then say they do.
I decided to go by his actions and if they didn't improve (which they haven't) then i am to leave.
I really don't know what else i can do if i don't want to go through the same cycle this year.
It's learning to be strong and sticking to your own bounderies.
I am completely powerless and so i would rather be alone and happy than feeling devistated every week.
I just hope he chooses real recovery. I doubt he will though.
Thanks, i know i handled it all wrong, but i didn't know what else to do.
~Limiya~
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Limiya))) - first of all, give yourself a break. As both an RA AND a recovering codie who has had her fair share of XABF's, we don't always stay calm when we get to the point of "being done"...we've got a lot of our heart and time invested in our A's, and it hurts, it's frustrating.
My last XABF (yeah, I had 3)...I left, knowing he DID love me and I still loved me, but we used together and he had no intention of stopping. I wanted OFF the addiction roller coaster so I had to go.
I can "hear" it in your ABF's words that he is in, no way, ready for recovery. The FIRST thing I had to do was change the people and places associated with using. Lose friends? Yep, though I did maintain contact with a couple who SUPPORTED my recovery, but only by phone or mail.
It's hard, it's emotionally draining, but you DO deserve to get off this rollercoaster, because he is just going to continue doing what he's been doing....he's proven it time and time again. His ACTIONS are speaking for themselves.
Big hugs and prayers, because I know it hurts!
Amy
My last XABF (yeah, I had 3)...I left, knowing he DID love me and I still loved me, but we used together and he had no intention of stopping. I wanted OFF the addiction roller coaster so I had to go.
I can "hear" it in your ABF's words that he is in, no way, ready for recovery. The FIRST thing I had to do was change the people and places associated with using. Lose friends? Yep, though I did maintain contact with a couple who SUPPORTED my recovery, but only by phone or mail.
It's hard, it's emotionally draining, but you DO deserve to get off this rollercoaster, because he is just going to continue doing what he's been doing....he's proven it time and time again. His ACTIONS are speaking for themselves.
Big hugs and prayers, because I know it hurts!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Thanks Amy. I guess i feel like all my patience has been in vain.
He had the nerve to say "i managed to stay sober until the early hours, so i was trying!".
But he "used" and i had to follow through with what i had threatened.
I looked back to some of my old diary entries and they date back to early 2008 and i can't believe i'm in the SAME situation as back then, and he hasn't progressed improved in his addiction. Just shows huh?
If he was turn actually take a step and get professional help on his own, then i would consider supporting him through it. But i know he won't. He loves his friends and he works with them too. So i have to face the truth once and for all and cut ties.
I don't know how you managed to go out with 3 guys who were addicts. You've done well to get out the other side.
This was my first and i am sure i won't be gettin involved with anyone else in active addiction if i can help it.
I'm gonna feel a bit lost for a while, so i'm goin to surround myself with friends and work and try not to give in to temptation.
Thanks,
~Limiya~
He had the nerve to say "i managed to stay sober until the early hours, so i was trying!".
But he "used" and i had to follow through with what i had threatened.
I looked back to some of my old diary entries and they date back to early 2008 and i can't believe i'm in the SAME situation as back then, and he hasn't progressed improved in his addiction. Just shows huh?
If he was turn actually take a step and get professional help on his own, then i would consider supporting him through it. But i know he won't. He loves his friends and he works with them too. So i have to face the truth once and for all and cut ties.
I don't know how you managed to go out with 3 guys who were addicts. You've done well to get out the other side.
This was my first and i am sure i won't be gettin involved with anyone else in active addiction if i can help it.
I'm gonna feel a bit lost for a while, so i'm goin to surround myself with friends and work and try not to give in to temptation.
Thanks,
~Limiya~
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Limiya)) - I stayed with my first XABF over TWENTY years...yup! He's the one I learned to be a raging codie with and when I couldn't control him or his alcoholism, I developed my own addiction.
It took me a long, long time to get where I am today, and I'd rather be single, for now, and work on ME, than risk picking up another A...got to make sure my "man-picker" has improved!
I think you are right...he's going to continue doing the same 'ole thing. Take care of you, and let him go. Believe me, you don't want to follow MY path!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
It took me a long, long time to get where I am today, and I'd rather be single, for now, and work on ME, than risk picking up another A...got to make sure my "man-picker" has improved!
I think you are right...he's going to continue doing the same 'ole thing. Take care of you, and let him go. Believe me, you don't want to follow MY path!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
good for you limiya, you deserve better. i'm ashamed to say now, but i went through all this back and forth for 21yrs and it only got worse for him and for me. focus on you and watch his actions if you choose to but i say keep moving forward. sounds like you want to walk a new path while he seems to want to stay on the same ole one. it does get easier. you are in my prayers.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Thanks Teke,
I think the turn of the new year had just highlighted the cracks. I am looking for the settled life now, as i want to share my life with someone who could become a good father and husband in the future.
I feel i blew up at him on saturday after i found out he'd used again. He has told me time and time again not to expect him to be able to give up over night. But if i could see him working hard or a program then i wouldn't have blew up.
Yes i feel guilty, but i know i deserve the best.
I refuse to be sitting here this time in 2011 going through the same motions.
I've been up and down all day and night. Crying myself to sleep, crying when i wake up, then i feel better, then cry some more.
It's difficult as i've never loved anyone more than this man, and he really makes me laugh and i just wish that once a week habit would leave him alone.
I am helpless and blameless, yet i still feel guilty. I know he's going to hurt for a long time. But he could change things if he really wanted to.
Thanks everyone, it's gonna be tough but i'm glad you understand.
~Limiya~
I think the turn of the new year had just highlighted the cracks. I am looking for the settled life now, as i want to share my life with someone who could become a good father and husband in the future.
I feel i blew up at him on saturday after i found out he'd used again. He has told me time and time again not to expect him to be able to give up over night. But if i could see him working hard or a program then i wouldn't have blew up.
Yes i feel guilty, but i know i deserve the best.
I refuse to be sitting here this time in 2011 going through the same motions.
I've been up and down all day and night. Crying myself to sleep, crying when i wake up, then i feel better, then cry some more.
It's difficult as i've never loved anyone more than this man, and he really makes me laugh and i just wish that once a week habit would leave him alone.
I am helpless and blameless, yet i still feel guilty. I know he's going to hurt for a long time. But he could change things if he really wanted to.
Thanks everyone, it's gonna be tough but i'm glad you understand.
~Limiya~
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
Originally Posted by Limiya
He has told me time and time again not to expect him to be able to give up over night.
i'm sorry, but i think this is just an excuse to continue to use as long as you will except it. i'm a ra and it took that one decision for me and been clean since, not that i didn't make that one decision a lot of times before i got serious but i did have help from my family, they totally cut me off and began to live their lives without me. they allowed me to hit my bottom alone and to find my own way back up.
you are right, he may hurt for awhile but as soon as he gets tired of hurting, he may just do something to help himself not hurt. its his choices thats hurting him and not you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Limiya))) - you're going through grief, and it takes time. It DOES get better, and it's easier the more distance you put between him and you. The times of those gut-wrenching pains get farther and farther apart and then one day you'll realize it's been a few DAYS since you've had that pain!
We all process grief in our own way and in our own time. Just don't get stuck in it...feel what you feel, but make yourself go through your daily routines. I've had to deal with a LOT of grief in my life, and I am grateful that I still had jobs to go to, bills to pay, etc. to keep me moving. I also had friends (and now SR and friends, here) that I could talk to....that is a huge help!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
We all process grief in our own way and in our own time. Just don't get stuck in it...feel what you feel, but make yourself go through your daily routines. I've had to deal with a LOT of grief in my life, and I am grateful that I still had jobs to go to, bills to pay, etc. to keep me moving. I also had friends (and now SR and friends, here) that I could talk to....that is a huge help!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Thanks guys,
I arranged to meet up with him in a cafe this evening cause i said i needed him to tell me to my face what it is he wants right now.
We met up, and i told him i have lay all my cards on the table.
I told him i am afraid for his health, i am afraid that i cannot live with him anytime soon while he does this, etc.
He told me that at the moment things are picking up with his music, that he is sick and tired of hearing me nag at him about taking coke. That he can't just stop like that. That he needs to keep selling on weekend cause it gives him more time to work on his music unlike a 9-5 job.
That he is not using anywhere near like he used to. He said he knows he had improved this past year, but he said he can only stop when he's ready. He has joined a gym, and is going to be going regularly, and get a part time teaching job.
The motion is already in place. That if the music takes off even more, then there will be tours and travelling. THAT'S what he wants to focus on. Said he can't give up coke just yet as all his friends use it and he will in his own time.
He said he knows i can't live with him while he does it and he has accepted it. He said he doesn't want me to live a lie.
It was hard to hear as i am so in love with this man.
We have had fun times of course. And i was hoping we could move things forward.
This just confirmed how different our ideals are.
He said he still has a couple more years at his music yet before he gives up on it.
Said he can't concentrate on anything while i keep on at him about his addiction.
I know a lot of it is not good answers, as it means he wants to keep using for the forseable future. But at least i know he wasn't lying. He was being honest.
He told me to think hard about what he's said. He said he understands i want other things. He said he will miss me but he can't live with the pressure to quit this when he just isn't there yet.
I felt gutted to be honest. I held back tears a few times. He told me he wasn't being horrible, just honest to me. Which i deserve.
He took me back to my car, and told me to think about it.
But of course it's all i've been thinking about.
Do i compromise my hopes and dreams to stay with the man i love while he swans off chasing his dreams of making money in music and taking coke with his friends?
I don't think i could do that.
If i'm not living with him, i'm just a bit on the side while he does what HE wants to do.
Sorry, i just feel very contemplative right now. Especailly now i have all the facts.
I have it straight out the horses mouth. No more stringing along.
I feel better now i know though.
It's hard, cause this is going to hurt me so much.
~Limiya~
I arranged to meet up with him in a cafe this evening cause i said i needed him to tell me to my face what it is he wants right now.
We met up, and i told him i have lay all my cards on the table.
I told him i am afraid for his health, i am afraid that i cannot live with him anytime soon while he does this, etc.
He told me that at the moment things are picking up with his music, that he is sick and tired of hearing me nag at him about taking coke. That he can't just stop like that. That he needs to keep selling on weekend cause it gives him more time to work on his music unlike a 9-5 job.
That he is not using anywhere near like he used to. He said he knows he had improved this past year, but he said he can only stop when he's ready. He has joined a gym, and is going to be going regularly, and get a part time teaching job.
The motion is already in place. That if the music takes off even more, then there will be tours and travelling. THAT'S what he wants to focus on. Said he can't give up coke just yet as all his friends use it and he will in his own time.
He said he knows i can't live with him while he does it and he has accepted it. He said he doesn't want me to live a lie.
It was hard to hear as i am so in love with this man.
We have had fun times of course. And i was hoping we could move things forward.
This just confirmed how different our ideals are.
He said he still has a couple more years at his music yet before he gives up on it.
Said he can't concentrate on anything while i keep on at him about his addiction.
I know a lot of it is not good answers, as it means he wants to keep using for the forseable future. But at least i know he wasn't lying. He was being honest.
He told me to think hard about what he's said. He said he understands i want other things. He said he will miss me but he can't live with the pressure to quit this when he just isn't there yet.
I felt gutted to be honest. I held back tears a few times. He told me he wasn't being horrible, just honest to me. Which i deserve.
He took me back to my car, and told me to think about it.
But of course it's all i've been thinking about.
Do i compromise my hopes and dreams to stay with the man i love while he swans off chasing his dreams of making money in music and taking coke with his friends?
I don't think i could do that.
If i'm not living with him, i'm just a bit on the side while he does what HE wants to do.
Sorry, i just feel very contemplative right now. Especailly now i have all the facts.
I have it straight out the horses mouth. No more stringing along.
I feel better now i know though.
It's hard, cause this is going to hurt me so much.
~Limiya~
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Florida
Posts: 512
Sweetie, put circumstances and events and lifestyle into perspective for YOURSELF. You and he are just boyfriend/girlfriend. I'm not discounting the status. Please don't take offense. But you can date more than one man. You're not married with a vow in place. Don't save the world, save you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Thanks guys. I know i'm not married, but it's hard to let go of someone you love so deeply. Married or not.
I'm GLAD i'm not married to him or tied to him, that would be so much harder.
Thanks for all the well wishes and for not being too hard on me, i guess i was just a little disappointed after expecting him to pull his socks up and sort out his addiction rather than just taking the easier option.
Especially when i feel i have put my all into it. Oh well.
I'm off dancing tonight, even though it is snowing outside.
WOOHOO
~Limiya~
I'm GLAD i'm not married to him or tied to him, that would be so much harder.
Thanks for all the well wishes and for not being too hard on me, i guess i was just a little disappointed after expecting him to pull his socks up and sort out his addiction rather than just taking the easier option.
Especially when i feel i have put my all into it. Oh well.
I'm off dancing tonight, even though it is snowing outside.
WOOHOO
~Limiya~
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