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I feel like an idiot

Old 01-09-2010, 09:52 AM
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I feel like an idiot

I have been dating the same man for over three years. At first, we were in love and we did some things together. We would go on hikes, go visit museums, go to concerts, and have picnics with the children. But since about two years, those activities have ceased and he just comes over 2-4 evenings a week.

He's always on the go. Even on a Saturday or Sunday morning, he leaves and makes no plans to include me in his day. He admitted to me that the first thing he does after leaving us is to smoke his self-rolled cigarette that contains pot. He says that the amount of pot is so little that it's barely there. I asked him if I could tolerate that amount, and he said no, as I never smoke. So this confirmed that this small amount is significant enough and that he needs it daily. This is so disappointing.

I've been sad and disappointed that he wouldn't help take care of my kids on Dec. 28 when I was sick with a cold and fever. I am never sick. This was the first time in years. I am sad that I can't rely on him when I am sick... He says that he's changed half his life for me; he complains that I haven't changed at all for him. I asked him what he has changed and the only thing he could come up with was that he has had to wake up early and go to bed early when he's with me which has benefitted his business!

So, I insisted on a break. I haven't seen him since Jan 1st, but we've been talking on the phone daily. My therapist says that the break hasn't really been a break because we've had contact. What's worse is that we are both invited to a dinner tonight. Our hosts are mutual friends and they've been planning this evening for a long time. I told him that I would go to the dinner but that we would restart the break tomorrow. I feel like the last 8 days have been for naught... but I am seeing how dysfunctional our relationship is.

It just hurts... I miss him, yet I know I need to move on. Really sucks!!!!
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Old 01-09-2010, 10:02 AM
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If your needs are not being met, then don't waste your time in a dead end relationship!
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Old 01-09-2010, 11:04 AM
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2 years is a long time in limbo land hoping for what once was or what we want it to be, again. That he smokes is neither here, nor there.

Sounds like he is not into the kind of relationship you want, right now, just as you are not into the kind of relationship, he wants, right now.

If the dinner makes you uncomfortable you can decline and say one of the kids is sick or simply tell the hosts the truth. It's unfortunate but it happens.
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Old 01-09-2010, 03:47 PM
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Originally Posted by mamaplus2kids View Post
I have been dating the same man for over three years. At first, we were in love and we did some things together. We would go on hikes, go visit museums, go to concerts, and have picnics with the children. But since about two years, those activities have ceased and he just comes over 2-4 evenings a week.

He's always on the go. Even on a Saturday or Sunday morning, he leaves and makes no plans to include me in his day. He admitted to me that the first thing he does after leaving us is to smoke his self-rolled cigarette that contains pot. He says that the amount of pot is so little that it's barely there. I asked him if I could tolerate that amount, and he said no, as I never smoke. So this confirmed that this small amount is significant enough and that he needs it daily. This is so disappointing.

I've been sad and disappointed that he wouldn't help take care of my kids on Dec. 28 when I was sick with a cold and fever. I am never sick. This was the first time in years. I am sad that I can't rely on him when I am sick... He says that he's changed half his life for me; he complains that I haven't changed at all for him. I asked him what he has changed and the only thing he could come up with was that he has had to wake up early and go to bed early when he's with me which has benefitted his business!

So, I insisted on a break. I haven't seen him since Jan 1st, but we've been talking on the phone daily. My therapist says that the break hasn't really been a break because we've had contact. What's worse is that we are both invited to a dinner tonight. Our hosts are mutual friends and they've been planning this evening for a long time. I told him that I would go to the dinner but that we would restart the break tomorrow. I feel like the last 8 days have been for naught... but I am seeing how dysfunctional our relationship is.

It just hurts... I miss him, yet I know I need to move on. Really sucks!!!!

My best therapists or the ones who helped me the most used to tell me that when I said, I feel like....
that's not a feeling, and when I was ready to move forward I had to figure out what I 'was' feeling.
For me I held off on feeling whatever it was, that it made it harder to move forward.
So instead of feeling like an idiot,
you said you feel sad.
If you let yourself feel sad, and really feel it. You'll feel it and then be ready to move on much faster.
We tend to hold on to these feelings because we don't let ourselves feel them, but once we do, we usually get sick of feeling them and then it's like OKAY, let's MOVE ON NOW...
Or that is how it is for me and many I know....

Your not an idiot. Just human with feelings...
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