cece1960

Cessy,
It took me quite a while to understand what acceptance meant in regards to my sons addiction.
Part one meant that I accept that he's an addict. And that he will do things that addicts do.
Part two was trickier, in that I had to accept that he may always be caught up in his addiction, that we may never have the relationship I previously enjoyed, and that the day may come that we can have no relationship at all. I struggle with part two often.

I don't keep silent. Acceptance to me is not the same as tolerating.

But I leave my comments to what affects me, intrudes on me or invades my world. I may know why and what for, but I don't have to allow it to cause me chaos in my life. My comments may fall on deaf ears, but I am entitled to be heard. I just don't get my expectations up that it will make a difference.

Its a hard path, for sure...the answers will come if you let them.

(((Hugs)))

outtolunch

Ah yes...know this well. It is humbling to know that I am no match for someone else's addiction and to let go of my own wishful thinking. GAWD...just letting go of the connection between my daughter's choices and my own mood....sigh....just enormous, for me.

cessy68

Hi guys......

I've just read your comments, and re-read them, and yet again re-read them. I tried to imagine different situations w/ the abf, and about WHAT it is I'm accepting, vs. tolerating.

I tried to parallel it w/ what you have both gone through and learned from your childrens addiction.... (cece and outto)..........

I guess where I keep getting confused is by HOW (so-to-speak) his addiction actually affects ME.
realistically there isn't much I can put a solid finger on....... it's more 'emotional' stuff. I can't say that he steals, I can't say that he does or brings drugs into our home, I can't say he is disruptive, or abusive....... there isn't anything that directly affects me, that I could say I won't tolerate THAT. (make sense?)

It's more about the bigger underlying issues........ how drugs and their use has caused him to avoid things that need to be handled in OUR lives. I believe outto made the comment that struck me the deepest on my previous thread.....She/you said something like, "he dosen't have to get clean, he dosen't have to see a doctor to get his perscription, he dosen't have to 'deal' with getting his divorce finalized...." (something to that affect). And boy oh boy, did you hit the nail on the head.

I sit back and wonder if It's the chicken before the egg or vice-versa.

I wonder if I sit here and focus on his addiction, (rather than his general character deficits)(in our relationship). HE has verbalizd to ME, that he dosen't handle the basic chores, (like replacing a window my son accidentally broke), or (handleing his divorce) or (handleling his parents not wanting me at holiday functions -- because he is not leagally divorced), becaue HE was avoiding drama by useing pills.

YET, sometimes I think, why do I bother wanting him to handle these things? Do I want the divorce finalized so we can move on? And then what-- I marry and addict??? Don't think so.....

Sometimes I think that I look at both issues and wonder what is a result of what (again, if that makes any sense), and perhaps I should just be looking at the fact that I don't get my needs met out of this relationship (regardless of how I 'feel' about him) and that I should ulimately end it, regardless of the whys. It's almost as if I could pick any number of reasons why I should just end it.

I keep getting stuck, by his words, his promises. His telling me, "my avoidance of the issues that keep getting in the way of our relationship, was because I was in a fog from those dang pills.... when I'm through w/ this, it will get better. I know this hasn't been easy for you, or fair to you............"

And I wasn't ready to give up on the love that I know he does have for me, and vice-versa.

It's just complicated, and I wish that it were easier to just end it all.

Love,
Cess

cece1960

Then perhaps, for now, you have decided that it is not yet time to throw in the towel, and that you need to hang in there a little longer see if there's a chance.

If you have accepted the fact that it may not change anything and that you may choose to leave in the future, then you have made that decision...for you. If you have accepted the fact that things may get worse and not better, then you have your eyes open and are willing to take the chance.

Again, that's your decision, that's what you feel is the next right thing to do.

For me, knowing I had choices was half of the answer

Seren

(((Cessy)))) I'm trying to understand, really I am....

So...
Even if he never does drugs again, it doesn't sound as though you will ever completely trust him. Can you live life that way? Really?

Even if he gets counseling, divorces his wife, stands up to his family on your behalf, AND quits drugs....it sounds as though you will still never trust him enough to marry him. Do you want to be married someday?

Even though you have let him return to your home, he requires constant praise and acknowledgement and doesn't help with the household chores. Are you comfortable with the parental role you have assumed?

You say that his drug use does not affect your daily life, yet you don't trust him and it makes you uncomfortable.

I know you will figure this out, Cessy. I'm rootin' for you! I just want for you to be happy and at peace.

Hugs, HG

cessy68

Aw hydro, thank you....

I'm laughing a little, some of these posts here make me chuckle a bit, like when you say, "cessy I'm trying to understand, really I am...."........

ME TOO! It sounds like me, trying to understand myself!

I'm glad I got to see the pic of your wedding... now when you write to me, I have a vision of a peacful, happily married woman!

You ask if I want to be married, even if all this were straightend out. Well, it's not too high on my priority list. WHAT IS high on my priority list is to be in a loving, peaceful, HONEST, state of mind/life. With or without him or anyone else. Would I like it to be w/ a man that I fell deeply in love with (him), of course. However, at this point in my life, I'd rather be happy w/ me alone... OR if I'm going to be in a relationship, it's got to be mutual-- equal respect, love, trust, work, shareing, friendship...etc.

I've been married before, therefore it's not like I'm a spring-chicken waiting for the man to 'get me' before the biological clock runs out. I'm more wanting someone to just share my life with.

THis in turn answers your question that you posed to me, "are you comfortable with the parental role you've assumed?" HECK NO! Our relationship has been strained because of it. I no longer 'do' the things he requires/asks for. When he does the laundry, he actually will point this out and say, "look what I did".... I mean my word, it's like I'm in a relationship w/ my teenage son! Perhaps I should put a star chart on the refrigerator, and give him a gold one everytime he 'does' anything other than go to work, and come home.

I know that many times, I complain about his inadequacies, but he is a funny, protective, loving man. We do things together, even if it is a simple as hanging out, drinking coffee and talking. There was a time, that the two of us were inseperable. We used to work together, go out together, come home together, start our day together. I feel like I'm hanging on to what used to be, and he's complacent w/ where we are.

Hope that makes sense.

Thank you for the response.
Love,
Cess

Chino

You know what you want:

You know what you're doing right now and the reality of it all, which is the exact opposite of what you want:
Have you asked yourself what it is you're afraid will happen, if you give yourself what you want?

Have you asked yourself why you're afraid to give yourself what you want?

cessy68

mmmmm.

yea... but I had to really think that over chino.

I guess the reason i'm afraid, is I still see glimpses of what I want, with whom I already have a life with. When I have asked him to go in the past, I fill with regret, and feel that I made a mistake and that I didn't give it enough, time, effort, patience, etc.

You see, I have had a number of failed relationships in my past. (really good ones too.)

Perhaps this impacts my decisions. (as if I'll be damned if another relationship will fail without me giving it every last dang effort). I usually walk waaaaaaay waaaaay too soon.

Another reason I am afraid, is because I worry about financial roughness, and loosing the dream..... all that we had planned for our lives.

I'm aware that not all relationships can work. I am equally aware that some relationships are not 'supposed' to work.

Maybe I'm afraid I'll be bored. (I know---- I'm sticking my neck out for the chopping block on that one.)

BUT at least I'm trying to answer this in utter honesty... after - all, you have all been way to patient with me., You deserve nothing but honesty.

Just my inital thoughts.

Love,
Cess

Chino

You don't trust yourself and you don't want to be poor or bored. To me that reads you don't trust or believe that you can find/give yourself what you want.

I get that, if that's what it's all about. I know I cannot give myself what I have with my husband, either. On the days I hate him, I know I'm better off with him than without him. I'm sure he feels the same way too every now and then lol. Sometimes being pragmatic is all we have, but neither one of us is dealing with the uncertainty of addiction in the other. Pragmatism and ambiguity aren't synonymous but they can coexist (accepting uncertainty).

Can you coexist in both worlds and find happiness? Do you want to coexist in both worlds? I do it with my daughter but I don't depend on her to provide any of my wants and needs.

bluebelle

I know with my RABF, the drug use effects me because it makes him "not here" for me. He may have been here physically, but mentally, he wasn't there for me. It was too unpredictable. It was impossible for him to carry on his love affair with pills while still having a relationship with me.

There was also the problem that he would cancel things. Or, he'd refuse to make plans or make promises, because he didn't know how he'd feel at that time. It became such a game for him to have enough pills if he was going to go do something in the evening with me. He'd have to have it all worked out.

It all just seemed so false and fake to me. He'd be all happy, but it could just be the pills talking. Or, he'd be tired and sick. I'd feel sorry for him because he wasn't feeling well. It turned out, it was just the lack of pills making him feel unwell.

So, yeah, these are hard areas in which to set boundaries. I have learned to ask more for what I need. I also state that I need him to follow through on promises. It's a hard area for me. I have such a hard time asking for what I need, so it's a learning process.

hello-kitty

My difficulty was accepting that there was a difference between "accepting" and "settling". I decided I wasn't going to settle with being second in a relationship - especially to drugs. "Settling" sucked away my self esteem and no matter how much I tried to fool myself into thinking that it was ok, in my soul I knew it wasn't. Hence I was conflicted for a long time. Once I stopped holding on to my fantasy that I could fix the relationship - that it was MY problem, not his - I felt much better and much more complete. I "accepted" that yes, I would be happier without his drama, his lies, his addiction. I decided I was worth it and I drew boundaries and took the steps necessary to end the relationship.

breakingfree88

I think working on acceptance comes when you're not in an active relationship with him but you're still worried about him/his behavior/his health. You detach from him physically, not just mentally. To detach mentally but remain around him is keeping yourself in such an unhealthy situation. I think of a child who is in an alcoholic/addict home. You're an adult and you can remove yourself. I think that you know its high time it happen. Once you're outta there, then you can work on accepting that his life is not what you wish it would be.
JMHO.

LeeRoy

I'm wondering if it matters if he is using or not. For me it did not. Just the idea that my son wasn't upholding his end of the deal and that I was feeling emotionally wrung out and the family and household were suffering meant that he had to leave. I did not look for the drugs I thought were in his room, even if I found them he'd and how could I know that he had taken something without a UA. I just didn't have it in me to watch and do nothing. I have heard it said that it is like trying to go into a tornado to drag someone out. You just end up in the tornado together. So I asked him to leave for everyone's benefit, including his.

He threw a huge fit and broke things but in the end I did have some internal knowledge that I had done the right thing. Even if he wasn't using, his reaction was not appropriate and it wasn't acceptable and it was intended to cause harm and chaos. Those were not the behaviors of the son I knew before drugs and not the behaviors that I have the fortitude and patience to live with.

You deserve to be healthy and whole. Hope you will be good to yourself

cessy68

such wonderful, and insightful responses.............. thank you for giving me your time, and some definate food for thought.

Extra thanks to Chino, for asking such hard-to-answer questions, that in return, gave me such good relplies to think about.

Love,
Cess

Chino

Our situations aren't exactly the same but we do share the common denominator -- co-dependency. I've spent several years in therapy, am asked hard questions all the time and it's usually stuff I already know. Consciously I say I want this or that, and even try to convince myself. But when my actions and words don't match, it's because my subconscious is winning and it doesn't know how to lie.

My therapist asked me one time, "what do you want?" and I bust out laughing. It's the question they always ask when we're talking in circles, lying to ourselves, and I knew that! Now when I get frustrated with others, which means myself in reality, I always ask myself "what do you really want?" then take care of my needs/wants to the best of my ability, leaving others alone. I accept my best effort and settle for nothing less. Otherwise the frustration remains and ferments.