Hey folks...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Hey folks...
Hi!
Well, as you know, I got back in touch with my *x* in late September - after 7 weeks of no contact.
It felt good and weird all at the same time because a lot can happen/change in 7 weeks..... and I know for myself that I got really wrapped up in my life. He did the same! Which is really great! It was strange for me in regards to him - because it was like - "who are you?".
Well, anyway, he is still back East and I'm here - Pac West. He has been wanting to get back out here and be a family again - and I told him that him moving right in wouldn't be a possibility and that he would have to move into his own place and we can "see each other". The weekend of TG we were going to go on a 5 day holiday - but I cancelled per my father going into hospital.
Well, anyway - as we were getting closer and closer to possibly working things out - the more I was getting annoyed and frustrated with him over what might be little things. Well - they were huge to me! The only thing I could come up with is that - i just plain don't trust him! The heart beating fast and not knowing what is really the truth. Myself challenging what I *feel* to be true vs. being *told*. Well - I had thought FOR SURE - he had relapsed... and he took a drug test. He skyped the whole thing and I saw it start to finish - 12 panel one - and he passed it! RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES! He thought I'd be jumping for joy - instead what I was thinking was..... OMG - there is something still wrong with me. WHY am I having these sensations that it's not true...? I think it's because our relationship is broken - too much has gone on - I simply don't trust him - and I don't have the time or the energy to even test out our relationship all over again. It makes me nauseous and nervous and I just plain don't want to be in the position of getting hurt by him ever again! I mean - literally - he could walk on water - and I would still poke holes in SOMETHING! I'm just not over it! He also doesn't believe me that I have PTSD from our relationship. he says that I have noway in comparison to what he has been through as an addict. HE is the one with the disease... NOT me. Man - I wish that were the case - but it's not. Literally - he does one thing wrong and it brings back all the same hurt of when it was really bad!
Anywho - we talked yesterday after I was avoiding conversation with him for about a week. I had a lot going on and massive chaos and didn't want to add our relationship to the mix. And I decided that I just can't move forward with him. It was in that week of keeping my distance that it came more clear to me just how toxic we are.
Well, he is furious with me. He *thinks* I have met a "sugar daddy"... he is making up all these false accusations of how I used him for his money and now that I know longer need him. Sigh. He thinks I have just strung him along.... all for money reasons. The 1K help with my house issue..... then our potential trip that never happened, and then he offered to buy me an oven because he never fixed completely. (He gutted it tho). But instead he is twisting all around - saying that I used him. It's anger and hurt - I know.
I guess, I just want to share this because this is kind of a big deal. It's like we are breaking up all over again - yet we were never back together. Maybe this is more of finale? IDK. I will say though that his character defects make mine look like grapes compared to oranges. He is being so cruel and hurtful with his words. I might have to do the blocking on the phone again.
In his favor - I know that he is so angry because here he feels as though he has really proved himself to everyone around him - except I can't see it because we are thousands of miles apart! Thing is... this time - it's not about him (actually it never really was - was it?) - but it's really about me - and that I just can not get over the past. Not while I'm with him. Literally - any little thing that I don't like will set me off! I can't stand it! Literally - so I am sacrificing my relationship for my sanity!
Thx for being there - as always!
Well, as you know, I got back in touch with my *x* in late September - after 7 weeks of no contact.
It felt good and weird all at the same time because a lot can happen/change in 7 weeks..... and I know for myself that I got really wrapped up in my life. He did the same! Which is really great! It was strange for me in regards to him - because it was like - "who are you?".
Well, anyway, he is still back East and I'm here - Pac West. He has been wanting to get back out here and be a family again - and I told him that him moving right in wouldn't be a possibility and that he would have to move into his own place and we can "see each other". The weekend of TG we were going to go on a 5 day holiday - but I cancelled per my father going into hospital.
Well, anyway - as we were getting closer and closer to possibly working things out - the more I was getting annoyed and frustrated with him over what might be little things. Well - they were huge to me! The only thing I could come up with is that - i just plain don't trust him! The heart beating fast and not knowing what is really the truth. Myself challenging what I *feel* to be true vs. being *told*. Well - I had thought FOR SURE - he had relapsed... and he took a drug test. He skyped the whole thing and I saw it start to finish - 12 panel one - and he passed it! RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES! He thought I'd be jumping for joy - instead what I was thinking was..... OMG - there is something still wrong with me. WHY am I having these sensations that it's not true...? I think it's because our relationship is broken - too much has gone on - I simply don't trust him - and I don't have the time or the energy to even test out our relationship all over again. It makes me nauseous and nervous and I just plain don't want to be in the position of getting hurt by him ever again! I mean - literally - he could walk on water - and I would still poke holes in SOMETHING! I'm just not over it! He also doesn't believe me that I have PTSD from our relationship. he says that I have noway in comparison to what he has been through as an addict. HE is the one with the disease... NOT me. Man - I wish that were the case - but it's not. Literally - he does one thing wrong and it brings back all the same hurt of when it was really bad!
Anywho - we talked yesterday after I was avoiding conversation with him for about a week. I had a lot going on and massive chaos and didn't want to add our relationship to the mix. And I decided that I just can't move forward with him. It was in that week of keeping my distance that it came more clear to me just how toxic we are.
Well, he is furious with me. He *thinks* I have met a "sugar daddy"... he is making up all these false accusations of how I used him for his money and now that I know longer need him. Sigh. He thinks I have just strung him along.... all for money reasons. The 1K help with my house issue..... then our potential trip that never happened, and then he offered to buy me an oven because he never fixed completely. (He gutted it tho). But instead he is twisting all around - saying that I used him. It's anger and hurt - I know.
I guess, I just want to share this because this is kind of a big deal. It's like we are breaking up all over again - yet we were never back together. Maybe this is more of finale? IDK. I will say though that his character defects make mine look like grapes compared to oranges. He is being so cruel and hurtful with his words. I might have to do the blocking on the phone again.
In his favor - I know that he is so angry because here he feels as though he has really proved himself to everyone around him - except I can't see it because we are thousands of miles apart! Thing is... this time - it's not about him (actually it never really was - was it?) - but it's really about me - and that I just can not get over the past. Not while I'm with him. Literally - any little thing that I don't like will set me off! I can't stand it! Literally - so I am sacrificing my relationship for my sanity!
Thx for being there - as always!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
they don't seem to wanna accept that it takes so very long to rebuild any trust, or to gain back a fraction of what they lost.
when he started making accusations to you, it reminded me of why my addict was turning things around on me, too, trying to manipulate my feelings and acted like i was in the wrong. it is addict behavior - whether he is sober right now or not. again, it takes a long time for both parties.
i don't know your story, but i am happy for you that you seem to be walking toward a place of freedom.
when he started making accusations to you, it reminded me of why my addict was turning things around on me, too, trying to manipulate my feelings and acted like i was in the wrong. it is addict behavior - whether he is sober right now or not. again, it takes a long time for both parties.
i don't know your story, but i am happy for you that you seem to be walking toward a place of freedom.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
You can do better than him sweetie.
How sad, but typical of an addict, that he is trying to manipulate you by discounting your feelings. How typical that he is trying to make it seem like YOUR problem because YOU don't trust him.
It's only been a few months. He may be clean now but just like my ex, he's not in recovery. He hasn't changed. He just doesn't have drugs in his system.
How sad, but typical of an addict, that he is trying to manipulate you by discounting your feelings. How typical that he is trying to make it seem like YOUR problem because YOU don't trust him.
It's only been a few months. He may be clean now but just like my ex, he's not in recovery. He hasn't changed. He just doesn't have drugs in his system.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Hey HK - 
I won't even allow him to manipulate my feelings. I've been getting my sense of self back in these last 6 months. My therapist actually released me ... just have 2 more sessions with her.... per my request.
I feel bad for him though - cause here he is so proud of himself - and I just poo pooed all over it. So - I understand his anger and hurt. I really think that he is terrified of picking up again - he knows the consequences are far too great.
However - he can not put himself in my view/shoes. He feels totally victimized and out of control. I can relate though - that is how I felt every time he would lie about whatever. The only difference is that I'm not begging for him to forgive me and take me back. I'm standing firm in my beliefs and what I want for myself. It's okay if it doesn't gel with him ... I gotta be me.
He hears no emotion in my voice. I don't know what has happened with me. Maybe it's listening to "Bad Romance" over and over again by Lady GaGa! I've had that Bad Romance - she wrote a song about it - and I don't want it anymore. And then listening to Pink's Funhouse cd - same thing. It's that crazy making - addiction - type relationship. When we went no contact the first time - I learned to enjoy and be grateful for not having the added stresses and drama. The second it looks like it's popping back up - I immediately close off and choose serenity.
Coffeedrinker - yeah - I don't think he gets it - that I need time - lots and lots of time to get over all of the lies and mistrust. He had a little fling toward the later part of our relationship - and I'm pretty much over that. But i'll tell ya - if he so much as looked at a red head I'd probably do my nut! That is just not healthy! Why would I or anyone for that matter choose that for themselves? I'd rather be on my own than have those kinds of issues. It's showing no respect for him or myself!
It's been TWO YEARS since I joined SR - and it feels like it's been 5 years! That is sooo not cool. But then again on one hand - it's kind of like reclaiming 3 years of my life - in reality!!!!
I won't even allow him to manipulate my feelings. I've been getting my sense of self back in these last 6 months. My therapist actually released me ... just have 2 more sessions with her.... per my request.
I feel bad for him though - cause here he is so proud of himself - and I just poo pooed all over it. So - I understand his anger and hurt. I really think that he is terrified of picking up again - he knows the consequences are far too great.
However - he can not put himself in my view/shoes. He feels totally victimized and out of control. I can relate though - that is how I felt every time he would lie about whatever. The only difference is that I'm not begging for him to forgive me and take me back. I'm standing firm in my beliefs and what I want for myself. It's okay if it doesn't gel with him ... I gotta be me.
He hears no emotion in my voice. I don't know what has happened with me. Maybe it's listening to "Bad Romance" over and over again by Lady GaGa! I've had that Bad Romance - she wrote a song about it - and I don't want it anymore. And then listening to Pink's Funhouse cd - same thing. It's that crazy making - addiction - type relationship. When we went no contact the first time - I learned to enjoy and be grateful for not having the added stresses and drama. The second it looks like it's popping back up - I immediately close off and choose serenity.
Coffeedrinker - yeah - I don't think he gets it - that I need time - lots and lots of time to get over all of the lies and mistrust. He had a little fling toward the later part of our relationship - and I'm pretty much over that. But i'll tell ya - if he so much as looked at a red head I'd probably do my nut! That is just not healthy! Why would I or anyone for that matter choose that for themselves? I'd rather be on my own than have those kinds of issues. It's showing no respect for him or myself!
It's been TWO YEARS since I joined SR - and it feels like it's been 5 years! That is sooo not cool. But then again on one hand - it's kind of like reclaiming 3 years of my life - in reality!!!!
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Trust your instincts, and it seems to me that you have.
There is no place good for a toxic relationship to go. Giving yourself some space has brought clarity and from where I sit, he's not bringing anything to the relationship except frustration.
Life is ever changing, and when it's time to move on, we usually know it. Sometimes the hardest part is just shutting the door.
Hugs
There is no place good for a toxic relationship to go. Giving yourself some space has brought clarity and from where I sit, he's not bringing anything to the relationship except frustration.
Life is ever changing, and when it's time to move on, we usually know it. Sometimes the hardest part is just shutting the door.
Hugs
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Yeah... shutting the door is the hardest part. But opening and then shutting and then opening again...... is all it ever leads to. He will talk about the Pavlov's Dog theory drawing comparisons for his life. Well... I could use that as an example. I'm essentially wanting to get on out of that Pavlov's Dog theory... break away from it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Abs)))
I understand the trust issue. Though I know that ANYONE can break your trust, an A has a much more likelihood of doing it, as well as a history, and I am going to be natruarlly ono guard around them just as a rule.
Though I can understand if he is upset or frustrated that you are not believing him, right away (we're human, after all), if he is truly working a program of reocery, he should understand pretty quickly.
I'm sorry this is all happening at Christmas, but be true to yourself, sweetie. but maybe do what I'm doing - I'm keeping the REAL reason of Christmas in focus, and trying to spend time with people who are constatnly there for me, throughout the year. Being broke puts my Chrismas in a different perspective, and it's a good thing!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I understand the trust issue. Though I know that ANYONE can break your trust, an A has a much more likelihood of doing it, as well as a history, and I am going to be natruarlly ono guard around them just as a rule.
Though I can understand if he is upset or frustrated that you are not believing him, right away (we're human, after all), if he is truly working a program of reocery, he should understand pretty quickly.
I'm sorry this is all happening at Christmas, but be true to yourself, sweetie. but maybe do what I'm doing - I'm keeping the REAL reason of Christmas in focus, and trying to spend time with people who are constatnly there for me, throughout the year. Being broke puts my Chrismas in a different perspective, and it's a good thing!
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Wishin' I was on the Beach!
Posts: 1,415
Hi Abs.
You've grown so much in your recovery.... he has not. You've outgrown the relationship.
You deserve a healthy relationship, to be treated with love and respect, with a home
full of joy and peace.
It's sad when you end it, but it does get better with time.
(((HUGS)))
You've grown so much in your recovery.... he has not. You've outgrown the relationship.
You deserve a healthy relationship, to be treated with love and respect, with a home
full of joy and peace.
It's sad when you end it, but it does get better with time.
(((HUGS)))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Originally Posted by Abundance 
Well - I had thought FOR SURE - he had relapsed... and he took a drug test. He skyped the whole thing and I saw it start to finish - 12 panel one - and he passed it! RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES!
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Originally Posted by outtolunch
This has got to be a first, anywhere. I cannot get this image out of my head.
Paparazzi (him w/ camera) was out in full force... photos / flash being taken of confirmed drug test for further confirmation. Sent immediately to my inbox.
Again - very well done.
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Thanks Amy, Ray, and Teke!
Yeah, it is bad that it's around the holidays... but I couldn't keep it in. That is being so fake and it pollutes my insides.
This Christmas is going to be a very small and frugal one. The boys will make out present wise though- cause their dad always spends a lot.
Lately - I'm very cautious and careful about who I'm attracting in my life. I'm mostly attracting old friends who know and love me and support me as who I am - not how I should be ... that suits them best!!! THAT speaks volumes!
xoxoxo
Yeah, it is bad that it's around the holidays... but I couldn't keep it in. That is being so fake and it pollutes my insides.
This Christmas is going to be a very small and frugal one. The boys will make out present wise though- cause their dad always spends a lot.
Lately - I'm very cautious and careful about who I'm attracting in my life. I'm mostly attracting old friends who know and love me and support me as who I am - not how I should be ... that suits them best!!! THAT speaks volumes!
xoxoxo
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