Turned him over
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Turned him over
I was riding in the car with my rabf, B. when he, once again, brought up my delinquent 16-year-old son. He asked me, for about the hundredth time, "Do you think he will ever finish highschool?" and told me "He was late to class again yesterday, you know that, don't you?" B. constantly brings this child up to me, always reminding me "I started out like him, and I don't want your son getting into the trouble I got into!"
I was all set to have another argument about my son, yet again, with B, complete with reasons why I hope he'll turn things around as he matures, when I had a breakthrough:
I told him calmly "You know, I did my third step, and my son is one of the people that I had to turn over to my God. I pray for him every day. But I raised him right, with values and every advantage. So it's up to him now to make good choices. He's not a baby anymore. I just pray, and provide appropriate limits for a teen, refuse to rescue him when he screws up, and get on with the business of my own life. It feels really good to have grown spiritually. But B., you are trying to pick this son up from God, and place him and his burdens on my back again. Why are you doing that?"
It finally got through to him. He said "You may be right. I don't know why I do that. I just want him to be happy. But you can't make it all work out for him, anymore than my mom could for me. He has to do it for himself." Yay!
He finally understands. Hopefully, we won't have to have that conversation again!
Love,
KJ
I was all set to have another argument about my son, yet again, with B, complete with reasons why I hope he'll turn things around as he matures, when I had a breakthrough:
I told him calmly "You know, I did my third step, and my son is one of the people that I had to turn over to my God. I pray for him every day. But I raised him right, with values and every advantage. So it's up to him now to make good choices. He's not a baby anymore. I just pray, and provide appropriate limits for a teen, refuse to rescue him when he screws up, and get on with the business of my own life. It feels really good to have grown spiritually. But B., you are trying to pick this son up from God, and place him and his burdens on my back again. Why are you doing that?"
It finally got through to him. He said "You may be right. I don't know why I do that. I just want him to be happy. But you can't make it all work out for him, anymore than my mom could for me. He has to do it for himself." Yay!
He finally understands. Hopefully, we won't have to have that conversation again!Love,
KJ
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Well done and well said!!
It's nice your bf cares, and he may be leading by his own example as someone who made mistakes and found recovery, but like you said, the rest is between God and your son.
Hugs
It's nice your bf cares, and he may be leading by his own example as someone who made mistakes and found recovery, but like you said, the rest is between God and your son.
Hugs
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
I certainly wish that I would have had your strength and wisdom when my son was that age. I just know there would have been a better outcome had I been that strong.
It is wonderful that the bf cares about your son. Hope he will continue to support you.
Hugs, Devastated
It is wonderful that the bf cares about your son. Hope he will continue to support you.
Hugs, Devastated
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Oh Devastated...none of us is "that strong" all of the time. I've made so many mistakes with him. For a long time, I parented out of the guilt that almost all recovering NA moms have, and I made a lot of bad decisions during that time. And you know what? Sometimes the guilt, instead of health, wins, and make a bad decision even now.
Drop the bat and stop beating yourself up. You loved and continue to love your son and you raised him the best way you know how with the only tools you had at the time. Plenty of kids turned out just fine raised the way your son was raised. He made bad choices. You didn't cause this. You cannot control it or cure it, either. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is just...not your fault!
Love,
KJ
Drop the bat and stop beating yourself up. You loved and continue to love your son and you raised him the best way you know how with the only tools you had at the time. Plenty of kids turned out just fine raised the way your son was raised. He made bad choices. You didn't cause this. You cannot control it or cure it, either. It is not your fault. It is not your fault. It is just...not your fault!
Love,
KJ
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Hi KJ, no I don't beat myself up too much anymore because everyone knows I've done everything but turn blue for him. I just wish I had had this support when he was age 15. Those were really tough years, and I did a bad thing by trying to cover for him constantly. I didn't dare trust Mr. Dev to help me. I thought to myself, if I get so angry with him that I could kill him, what would a step-parent do? I was so wrong. Mr. Dev was the best thing that ever happened to all of us.
Shoot, I remember replacing a camera 3 times!! I no sooner would replace it, and he would steal it again. How dumb was I???
I never learned either. I remember sending him to Italy because he had stolen a neighbor's watch, and the police were at the door threatening to take him to juvenile hall. What did I do? Bought him a ticket to Italy, put him on a plane and sent him to live with mr. Dev's family for 5 months! While he was gone, we moved. Once we got settled I had him come back home.
Yipes, what kind of a lesson was that? He loved Italy!! Just makes a guy want to do more bad things so you earn a trip to Italy huh? DUMB!!
Now you know what I mean when I say, I've come a long way!!
Hugs, Devastated
Shoot, I remember replacing a camera 3 times!! I no sooner would replace it, and he would steal it again. How dumb was I???
I never learned either. I remember sending him to Italy because he had stolen a neighbor's watch, and the police were at the door threatening to take him to juvenile hall. What did I do? Bought him a ticket to Italy, put him on a plane and sent him to live with mr. Dev's family for 5 months! While he was gone, we moved. Once we got settled I had him come back home.
Yipes, what kind of a lesson was that? He loved Italy!! Just makes a guy want to do more bad things so you earn a trip to Italy huh? DUMB!!
Now you know what I mean when I say, I've come a long way!!
Hugs, Devastated
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
Way to go. Sometimes people don't realize how things they say can upset or hurt you. The mouth is like a shot gun. It is a very damaging and dangerous weapon. Especially when it comes to our children or a very close loved one. I'm proud of you Kj. I missed being on this site for the past 3 months. I was in Florida. Glad I'm back. Wishing you Love Good Health, and Inner Peace.
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