New here, don't know what to do
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Cincinnati OH
Posts: 4
New here, don't know what to do
Hello everybody, I just found these forums and have spent some time looking through them and I think I could find some much needed support here.
When I met my husband a little over 6 years ago, he told me that he was a recovering addict with 7 years sobriety. We really hit it off, and one thing led to another, and we married in June of 2005. We've had some big bumps along the way, problems with our blended family and lots of financial problems. He got laid off in October of 2008 and I guess that's when it really got bad. About 6 weeks ago he confessed to me (less than a month before what would have been his 13th anniversary) that he had been using pain pills- his previous drug of choice- for almost a year. I was shocked, hurt, angry, you name it. But we talked about it, and I really thought we could fix it. He knew everything to do, he got a new sponsor, started going to meetings on a regular basis again, ect. I took total control of the money. I really thought that it was going to be okay.
Well, two days ago, going over the bank statement, I noticed a discrepancy, and confronted him about it. He admited that he had only stayed sober for about 3 weeks, and was using again, stealing the ATM card to get the money.
He says he's sorry, he will quit again, today he says he hasn't done any for 2 days, he says he really didn't think I would leave him but now he knows that I will and he says he will do whatever it takes to keep me.
Well, we are splitting up. I've given him to the end of the weekend to get out. He's going to go stay at his mom's. I don't want to file for divorce right away or anything like that, I just need for him to be away from me so I can clear my head and think. I don't really understand the whole addiction thing. I know that to let my husband stay now would make me an enabler and I don't want that. I just can't understand the whole thing. I don't know what to do.
Any advice for a newcomer to this situation?
TIA, Krysti
When I met my husband a little over 6 years ago, he told me that he was a recovering addict with 7 years sobriety. We really hit it off, and one thing led to another, and we married in June of 2005. We've had some big bumps along the way, problems with our blended family and lots of financial problems. He got laid off in October of 2008 and I guess that's when it really got bad. About 6 weeks ago he confessed to me (less than a month before what would have been his 13th anniversary) that he had been using pain pills- his previous drug of choice- for almost a year. I was shocked, hurt, angry, you name it. But we talked about it, and I really thought we could fix it. He knew everything to do, he got a new sponsor, started going to meetings on a regular basis again, ect. I took total control of the money. I really thought that it was going to be okay.
Well, two days ago, going over the bank statement, I noticed a discrepancy, and confronted him about it. He admited that he had only stayed sober for about 3 weeks, and was using again, stealing the ATM card to get the money.
He says he's sorry, he will quit again, today he says he hasn't done any for 2 days, he says he really didn't think I would leave him but now he knows that I will and he says he will do whatever it takes to keep me.
Well, we are splitting up. I've given him to the end of the weekend to get out. He's going to go stay at his mom's. I don't want to file for divorce right away or anything like that, I just need for him to be away from me so I can clear my head and think. I don't really understand the whole addiction thing. I know that to let my husband stay now would make me an enabler and I don't want that. I just can't understand the whole thing. I don't know what to do.
Any advice for a newcomer to this situation?
TIA, Krysti
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Krysti)))
Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
First of all, good for you for taking action so quickly! I'm a recovering addict (RA) as well as a codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts (A's)- we use a lot of abbreviations here.
I think you are right in knowing that you don't have to make the divorce decision right now, but that you also don't need to enable him. It sounds like you've taken care of keeping him from having access to the money (very good!) and let him know that you will not tolerate this behavior.
I can tell you that we A's are manipulative - as you have already seen we will tell you what you want to hear, but do what we need to do to get our drugs until we are ready to choose recovery. His ACTIONS are what you can count on, not anything he says.
We talk about the 3 c's here - you can't change him, you can't control him and you can't cure him, which it sounds like you already know, but basically - if he wants recovery, he will find it. He already knows how to do it, he just has to want it bad enough.
You may want to check out nar-anon or al-anon meetings. Nar-anon is for loved ones of addicts, but al-anon meetings are far more available and though they are for loved ones of alcoholics, they usually welcome addicts families, too.
It is a bit slow, here, on the weekends, but I'm sure others will be along to greet you. You may want to read some other threads here - you will see that you are not alone, and get an idea of what some people have gone through in living with and loving an addict.
He is probably going to get very intense on wanting to come home, and promise you the world...be prepared and remember - actions, not words.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Welcome to SR, though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
First of all, good for you for taking action so quickly! I'm a recovering addict (RA) as well as a codie (codependent) who has loved ones who are addicts (A's)- we use a lot of abbreviations here.
I think you are right in knowing that you don't have to make the divorce decision right now, but that you also don't need to enable him. It sounds like you've taken care of keeping him from having access to the money (very good!) and let him know that you will not tolerate this behavior.
I can tell you that we A's are manipulative - as you have already seen we will tell you what you want to hear, but do what we need to do to get our drugs until we are ready to choose recovery. His ACTIONS are what you can count on, not anything he says.
We talk about the 3 c's here - you can't change him, you can't control him and you can't cure him, which it sounds like you already know, but basically - if he wants recovery, he will find it. He already knows how to do it, he just has to want it bad enough.
You may want to check out nar-anon or al-anon meetings. Nar-anon is for loved ones of addicts, but al-anon meetings are far more available and though they are for loved ones of alcoholics, they usually welcome addicts families, too.
It is a bit slow, here, on the weekends, but I'm sure others will be along to greet you. You may want to read some other threads here - you will see that you are not alone, and get an idea of what some people have gone through in living with and loving an addict.
He is probably going to get very intense on wanting to come home, and promise you the world...be prepared and remember - actions, not words.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My advice is to Learn as much as you can. And keep maintaining what appears from your post to be level-headed objectivity and self-care.
Reading about codependency may be useful to you. Very useful also, to me, was "Addictive Thinking" by Abraham Twerski (Hazelden Press, 1997). I got it thru Amazon.
Reading about codependency may be useful to you. Very useful also, to me, was "Addictive Thinking" by Abraham Twerski (Hazelden Press, 1997). I got it thru Amazon.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Just read as much as you can on here, try to find an alanon meeting in your area~~~and good for you with the codependancy stuff. If he works his program and you work yours maybe theres an end in sight. When I stopped enabling my son, he came around......eventually their lives can fall apart if they don't want to stop with whatever is the addiction. Good luck with everything. Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Cincinnati OH
Posts: 4
Thanks so much for your replies. I'm definately going to go to an alnon meeting, I know there's one close to me on Friday nights. My main worry at this very moment is staying strong when my husband tells me that he wants to come back. I'm going to reread Amy's post a bunch of times 
as well as lots of others on this forum. I am glad I found it!
as well as lots of others on this forum. I am glad I found it!
remember to breathe
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
wow, for not knowing about addiction you're already doing what "you're supposed to".
Perhaps he'll realize rehab may be his answer (detox and renewal of his tools)
hope everything works out the way you want it to
Perhaps he'll realize rehab may be his answer (detox and renewal of his tools)
hope everything works out the way you want it to
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Krysti,
Wow, I am impressed. You have done exactly the right thing. Everyone here that replied has said what needs be, but I just wanted to offer my support.
Oh, one other thing: don't take any responsibility for his return to thre drug. There's no such thing as "didn't love you enough" "didn't care about his family". These are traps that our messed up heads sometimes fall into
Wow, I am impressed. You have done exactly the right thing. Everyone here that replied has said what needs be, but I just wanted to offer my support.
Oh, one other thing: don't take any responsibility for his return to thre drug. There's no such thing as "didn't love you enough" "didn't care about his family". These are traps that our messed up heads sometimes fall into
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Ohio
Posts: 267
Just wanted to add my support of you as well. You instinctively seemed to know what needed to be done to protect your own well being in this. You were already leaps and bounds ahead of what most of us are when we arrived here.
Keep strong.
Keep strong.
Taking Baby Steps to Sanity
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Fremont, CA
Posts: 13
Meetings if you can do it, 3 times a week. Both Al anon and Naranon are helpful but have a different feel to them. (Find meetings that feel right to you!
I to think you did the incredibly right thing of moving on this right away.
Separate your finances if you can. ( we arent supposed to give advice btw... but this one I have to mention, my own co issues come through)
Buy literature and get the free literature at whatever meetings you attend. Talk to everyone you can and share. Among those people is the perfect person for you to have as a sponsor. If you share, they may approach you. If they share, and you like their approach, story, how they handle themselves... consider asking them to temp sponsor you. Sponsors can only sponsor if they are working the 12 steps themselves.. so it will have to be someone far more experienced.
Keep coming back. This process is a roller coaster of emotion. Understanding addiction, your own codependancy and what works is going to take time. I read codependant no more 6 years ago, ( HA HA). I started in Nar anon in April and Al anon recently.
I too just separated from my husband of 4 years. He is a dry alcoholic, current drug user and a sex addict. It was about to become violent. ( see my story posted here).
Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 times of reading something to really get it or see how it pertains to your situation.
Memorize these sayings...(substitute higher power if you feel its more correct for you
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the awareness to know the difference.
One day at a time
Let go let God
Easy does it
- Susan
I to think you did the incredibly right thing of moving on this right away.
Separate your finances if you can. ( we arent supposed to give advice btw... but this one I have to mention, my own co issues come through)
Buy literature and get the free literature at whatever meetings you attend. Talk to everyone you can and share. Among those people is the perfect person for you to have as a sponsor. If you share, they may approach you. If they share, and you like their approach, story, how they handle themselves... consider asking them to temp sponsor you. Sponsors can only sponsor if they are working the 12 steps themselves.. so it will have to be someone far more experienced.
Keep coming back. This process is a roller coaster of emotion. Understanding addiction, your own codependancy and what works is going to take time. I read codependant no more 6 years ago, ( HA HA). I started in Nar anon in April and Al anon recently.
I too just separated from my husband of 4 years. He is a dry alcoholic, current drug user and a sex addict. It was about to become violent. ( see my story posted here).
Sometimes it takes 3 or 4 times of reading something to really get it or see how it pertains to your situation.
Memorize these sayings...(substitute higher power if you feel its more correct for you
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the awareness to know the difference.
One day at a time
Let go let God
Easy does it
- Susan
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
welcome, i agree with the others, i think you are doing great. i'm a recovering addict. my family basically took some of the same actions as yours and today i'm gratefully clean and sober.
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