mireya

This afternoon, right before I had lunch with my sponsor, I called AH and told him I wanted to sit down and talk, preferably before my 715 Al-Anon meeting. He said he had a few errands to run but would "do everything in his power" to make it happen. I didn't call or message him again, I had a great lunch with my sponsor, met a friend, took our babies to the park, and had a lovely afternoon. But the more time I spent on my own, the more the answer became clear to me. At 630 I sent him a message that said, "I guess you aren't making it back before my meeting" and left it at that. I knew then that I am going to ask him to leave. The topic of the meeting was "asking for help", and the page I got to read was on taking on the victim role and choosing to no longer be a victim. It all fell into place and when I shared I broke down into tears because it was all clear to me now: I am not willing to live with active addiction any more. I deserve better, my baby deserves better, and being around him is making me crazy, which isn't good for me, the baby, or AH. When I got out of the meeting I had a text message from him that said he had driven a (questionable) friend to his father's house and because "I wanted time away from him", he didn't know what time he was coming home. When I tried to call his phone went straight to voice mail. HP is making everything clear, showing me the path I have to follow. I feel sad but I also feel at peace. I am not sure how AH is going to react, I am praying for the strength and the words to talk to him, to find a way to convey that I am detaching with love for the good of all of us. I will not make or break his addiction or his recovery, but it is time for him to find his way on his own. They say that pain is inevitable but suffering is optional. I choose not to suffer anymore. I choose not to be a victim anymore.
I choose me.
Keep me in your prayers. Now I just need the strength to follow through.

itisatruth

That feeling of peace is a good indicator that you're ready to do this. You sound strong. You sound clear headed. I wish you the best as you do what you need for yourself and your baby. I love this: YOU CAN DO THIS! Hugs!

Mama22Boys

Good luck mireya! I hope I have the strength to follow your example soon!

mireya

Thank you for gentle words and encouragement. AH still hasn't come home, the last message I got from him was at 840 and I haven't heard from him since. He has never done this before and I hope he is okay and though I am a little worried, I am not in a panic. This just makes my decision so much easier. What I am contemplating now is filing a missing person's report, because this behavior is so unlike him. I hope he is okay, I figure that if something really awful had happened we would have heard by now because he has ID on him. But right now I have work to focus on and all I can do is put it all in HP's hands.

ElegantlyWasted

"Choose"... To me that's what it's all about... 1) realizing that I have the power of choice 2) honestly assessing my options 3) making the best one I can

Ties into the serenity thing big time.

wuzzled

Mireya

You show great courage and strength. You have the strength to follow through, it shows all through your post.

As I was reading your post, it seemed as though you had a heavy weight lifted by just making a decision. This helped me tremendously, as I have a difficult time actually making decisions. Thank you.

keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck and enjoy the serenity.