wendy77

My husband is a recovering crack/cocaine addict which i am soooooooo proud of and absolutley head over heals for. He has been sober since Jan 14 2009. Our lives have completley changed in everyway no clubs no drinking(not that i did much of) anyway most important no fighting and trusttttttttttt. so i thought.... when my husband came out of rehab in February I was so happy and i guess just felt at ease i saw and felt the change and loved it.so I got pretty comfortable with the feeling so maybe i just let go of myself a little and started being more a friend than a wife. So eventually the not having to worry and actually sleeping and eating got the best of me so i packed on a couple of pounds anyway months went by no intamacy so i eventualy lost the weight (very proud of myself) and one day i was checking a number on my husbands phone i needed and saw a text that said :when are we going to hook up ???????????????? My heart dropped i knew it was nothing good my first reaction to my surprise was oh my god how will i approach this without going crazy and makie him relapse.At first he denied it and I just gave him a heart to heart talk now he confessed day after and said it was texting only which i know well hope it's true we work same hours and drive in together anyway so 2 months gone by and i find another number which he dialed from his phone *67 it caught my eye go i googled it and it came up from craigslist in the adult section.Helllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooo again!!!!!!! well i don't know what to do he hasn't relapsed and believe me i would know but I don't think we should be going thru this after our painful past i want to leave and teach him a lesson but im scared to interfere with his recovery i want to do somthing i just dont know how to handle this anymore ... My husband is an oustanding loving and caring person but i feel he is taking me for granted.

Chino

You husband is sober but is he working any kind of recovery program?

wendy77

he goes to meetings once in a while he had a sponser but his sponser relapsed so because of his work schedule he doesn't go as much. I ask him to atleast do his 12 steps and get a sponser

outtolunch

I am confused. Does an outstanding and loving person do what your husband is doing?

Would this behavior be more acceptable to you if you did not have a painful past?

What's with " teaching him a lesson?" Sounds like a control issue to me...that you harbor a belief that you have control over his choices.

Only things you control are your own boundaries/what's acceptable to you and your own reaction when the line is crossed.

He is free to choose to respect your boundaries, or not.

Freedom1990

If he relapses, that's his choice. You don't have the power to make him relapse.

Personally infidelity is a deal-breaker for me these days, though there was a time it wasn't. My EXAH was a chronic cheater.

I deserve better than that.

Chino

Are you doing what you're asking of him?

hello-kitty

Hi honey. I'm sorry. Personally, I think what your husband has done is pretty cr@ppy and don't know if I would put up with it. Just because he's not using drugs doesn't mean that calling Craigs List Personal Ads are ok. That indicates some unresolved issues to me - that have NOTHING to do with you and everything to do with your husband and his "illness".

Part of being in recovery means dealing with life on lifes terms. So it IS important not only for him, but for your self-respect, that you deal with this issue. But not to treat him a lesson. He's not a child. This is about you and what you find to be acceptable behavior in a relationship. This should be about you and your boundaries. Personally, I wouldn't find it acceptable if my husband was doing that and I would seriously consider kicking his BUTT to the curb if he didn't get help for his problems. But that's just me. Sex addiction. Porn addiction. These are addictions that can replace drug addiction.

But again, the focus should be on you and what you find acceptable in a relationship.

And by the way, outstanding loving caring husbands DON'T call Craigs List Personal Ads. That indicates a real problem. His problem. Your problem is what is best for you and your family.

HUGS! Keep reading and posting.

Learn2Live

Oh Wendy, your post makes me sick to my stomach remembering going through ALL this that you are going through, so many times. I just want to throw up.

Hon, I know you love your husband very much and have been feeling so good about what he has done with Recovery and everything. And I know it feels like he is doing this for you and the relationship, right? And that just makes us feel so good.

But you, your decisions, and your behaviors, do not have that much power or control over your husband's sobriety or recovery. Please do not base your decisions about your life on how they may or may not affect your husband's sobriety. This is magical thinking. I know you want to teach him a lesson but it just doesn't work that way. You CAN'T teach him a lesson. This is HIS lesson to learn on his own, with the help of his Higher Power.

Quote:

he hasn't relapsed and believe me i would know

Yes, he HAS relapsed. Sex, prostitutes, gambling, crack, marijuana, alcohol, pornography ALL OF IT are one and the same. Some are substances and some are processes and addicts use them all in their desperation to feel the same effect: Dopamine flooding of the few receptor sites left in their brains. And ALL of them lead back to the crack sooner or later (it never takes long once they've relapsed unless they get RIGHT BACK on the wagon).

Quote:

My husband is an oustanding loving and caring person but i feel he is taking me for granted.

I understand why you are saying this about your husband, despite the things he has done and is doing. But honey, Crack is much, much stronger than your husband. He may WANT to maintain himself in a nice, normal relationship with you; he may WANT to establish trust and live a good life together, but he CAN'T right now.

Please start to understand and accept that NONE of this has anything to do with YOU. You can feel taken advantage of all you want, but that is not accepting the reality that your husband is a VERY sick man who would be behaving this way whether married to you or not. If you can change this one perspective, it will make it much easier for you to make the healthiest decisions for yourself.

If you love him as a person and not to meet some need or want or desire of your own, I hope you will see that the best thing you can do for him is to let go and let God. It is so very difficult and painful to let go and watch a person flounder and sink, because we are so afraid they will drown. But if you do not let go, he will take you right down with him.

Whatever you decide to do, honey, PLEASE do not have unprotected sex with this man. Take the right steps to protect yourself physically, emotionally, and financially.