Another Mom
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: MO
Posts: 10
Another Mom
Hello! I am another Mom whose life has been greatly impeaded by her childs addiction. My son is 23 years old. He is addicted to smoking heroin, marjauana, and taking just about any prescription drug he can get his hands on.
An excellent student, he graduated in exactly 4 years at an out of state school. Then got a job and as far as we knew was living the good life and had the world before him to conquer.
About 9 months ago, I started to notice that often times he would slur his words, or flat out not make any sense when we talked on the phone. Never having been exposed to anyone with a drug addiction, I was naive and bought the "I just woke up" reply for quite awhile.
One day, he called and said that he had been fired from his job. Gave a lame excuse as to why. Said he was coming home. The Mom in me was thrilled, my son is coming home, hes been gone for almost 5 years! The Mom in me also thought maybe now I would be able to confirm my deepest worries and if what I was worried was true, I personally would help my son return to the son he once was. One of many mistakes my naive self has made these past four months.
In August, while in our home, he took between 10-20 Klonopin and had a major freak out. Threatened suicide, walked around with a drinking glass in his hand threatening anyone that came close to him. I drove him to the hospital and had him admitted, signed legal documents that stated he would be in the psyc ward for 96 hours. 24 hours after his admittance, he spoke with the hospital psychiatrist for 5 minutes. He worked his charm, and believe it or not, the doctor released him on the spot.
To make a long story shorter ... my husband and I have taken away his car, canceled his cell phone and told him he cannot live in our home until he is sober and gets treatment. His long time (5 years) girlfriend has told him he cannot live with her unless he is sober also. He decided he wants to get treatment.
Today, I drove him to the treatment center to fill out paperwork. He begins out patient treatment tomorrow. I don't have high expecations.
Today, I went to my first al-anon meeting.
I have read "CoDependent No More" and am very grateful to this forum for having led me to the book.
I don't really know what else I really want to say. I just felt the need to post.
Thank you to all that have posted and to those that have replied to the posts. I have been reading for several days now and really appreciate this forum already!
I will end this post with a thought I've had ever since I had my son. Being a Mom is the hardest, most rewarding, most challening and most important job I will ever have. I'm starting to think that perhaps I put too much emphasis on that statement. I know that it is time to think about me. I know this. I suppose all Mom's who are in or have been in the same space as me feel like failures.
Thanks for reading. I did not cause the addition, I cannot cure the addiction. I most certainly cannot control my sons addiction.
An excellent student, he graduated in exactly 4 years at an out of state school. Then got a job and as far as we knew was living the good life and had the world before him to conquer.
About 9 months ago, I started to notice that often times he would slur his words, or flat out not make any sense when we talked on the phone. Never having been exposed to anyone with a drug addiction, I was naive and bought the "I just woke up" reply for quite awhile.
One day, he called and said that he had been fired from his job. Gave a lame excuse as to why. Said he was coming home. The Mom in me was thrilled, my son is coming home, hes been gone for almost 5 years! The Mom in me also thought maybe now I would be able to confirm my deepest worries and if what I was worried was true, I personally would help my son return to the son he once was. One of many mistakes my naive self has made these past four months.
In August, while in our home, he took between 10-20 Klonopin and had a major freak out. Threatened suicide, walked around with a drinking glass in his hand threatening anyone that came close to him. I drove him to the hospital and had him admitted, signed legal documents that stated he would be in the psyc ward for 96 hours. 24 hours after his admittance, he spoke with the hospital psychiatrist for 5 minutes. He worked his charm, and believe it or not, the doctor released him on the spot.
To make a long story shorter ... my husband and I have taken away his car, canceled his cell phone and told him he cannot live in our home until he is sober and gets treatment. His long time (5 years) girlfriend has told him he cannot live with her unless he is sober also. He decided he wants to get treatment.
Today, I drove him to the treatment center to fill out paperwork. He begins out patient treatment tomorrow. I don't have high expecations.
Today, I went to my first al-anon meeting.
I have read "CoDependent No More" and am very grateful to this forum for having led me to the book.
I don't really know what else I really want to say. I just felt the need to post.
Thank you to all that have posted and to those that have replied to the posts. I have been reading for several days now and really appreciate this forum already!
I will end this post with a thought I've had ever since I had my son. Being a Mom is the hardest, most rewarding, most challening and most important job I will ever have. I'm starting to think that perhaps I put too much emphasis on that statement. I know that it is time to think about me. I know this. I suppose all Mom's who are in or have been in the same space as me feel like failures.
Thanks for reading. I did not cause the addition, I cannot cure the addiction. I most certainly cannot control my sons addiction.
learning to live for me
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: East Coast, US
Posts: 215
Wow! What a wise and loving mom you are. Welcome to SR. I'm glad you're here! Everyone, even moms, has to put themselves first. And I'm so happy you are doing that. Keep us updated. 
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Hackettstown, NJ
Posts: 692
Hi STLmom. Definately time to think of you. Welcome, from the mom of a 21 y/o crack addict daughter. You sound like you have a decent handle on what you and your son are dealing with. You sound tired, but wiser, too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,307
Hey Mama! I was just jiving with everything you were saying! Rock on! You are doing really well and have made some really good decisions! That's not wasting any time and setting boundaries in place - not giving him any wiggle room - and saying what you mean and not saying it mean! woo hoo!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Wecome, STLmama. I too have often wondered if I had "failed" at this most rewarding job. I have looked at other mothers, friends of mine or family, who don't have addiction in their lives or in that of their children, and thought "Why me?" I have run the gamet of beating myself up emotionally. But here, I come to realize it really wasn't about me at all. It wasn't personal. Some kids just get "hooked" on drugs. And some drugs are extremely powerful and they will spend a lifetime struggling with their urges to go back, even after going through treatment and giving them up. It's definitely one day at a time. And it's the same for me. Today I can choose to give my son over to his higher power, to give him the respect he deserves to make HIS own choices in life and deal with them as a grown man (he's 25). And I can do this without feeling that "mother guilt" I had always laid on myself before, because obviously all the guilt and worry I experienced never helped a bit, not a bit.
I hope you stick around and gain as much insight and support as I have here at SR, although it does sound like you have a pretty good grip already. Good for you.
I hope you stick around and gain as much insight and support as I have here at SR, although it does sound like you have a pretty good grip already. Good for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Welcome to SR. My daughter is my addict. She is 23, been clean for 15 months so there is hope. She experienced some really heavy consequences before she was ready. I got the help that I needed here at SR and at Al-anon. Hugs, Marle
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 88
Welcome, you will find lots of people here going through the same thing. My son is 24 (will be 25 9/19) heroin addict. Presently in jail. Our stories are very similar, good kid threw everything away over this addiction. I am so impressed at how well you are handling this. You seem to know all the right things to do. My only advice would be to look into long term residential treatment. I do not think outpatient is the best way to start. Hopefully you are one of the lucky ones and op can work for your son. I was not so lucky.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 287
Way To Go! ---Sorry you've now joined a club that no one wanted to be in, but you've done your homework way better than I did.
Stay Strong, Stay Smart, we're here to listen when you need it.
My AS is 22 and has been struggling for 5 years.
Sending Prayers and Good wishes to you and your family.
Stay Strong, Stay Smart, we're here to listen when you need it.
My AS is 22 and has been struggling for 5 years.
Sending Prayers and Good wishes to you and your family.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 328
Kudos to you - you have joined a special club - one as a Mother I never thought I would have to do - but it has provided me with support and ways of coping I never would have gotten any other way. It's been the hardest best thing I've ever had to do. Can be quite a journey - hang on for the ride!
I'm a member of Alanon (no Naranon in my area), and it has saved my life. Nothing like face-to-face hugs and being with people that really have walked the path ahead of me.
Some hope for you - my son is 26 years clean and sober and is 41 years old. He did it through treatment and AA.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
I'm a member of Alanon (no Naranon in my area), and it has saved my life. Nothing like face-to-face hugs and being with people that really have walked the path ahead of me.
Some hope for you - my son is 26 years clean and sober and is 41 years old. He did it through treatment and AA.
Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
This mom wants to welcome you too and I hope you feel comfortable enough to keep sharing here.
It can be a long road, we travel, but please know that we're all walking with you, good days and bad. That's how our recovery works, one codie reaching out to another.
Keeping your son in my prayers. This is a good start that hopefully will take him to a better path.
Hugs
It can be a long road, we travel, but please know that we're all walking with you, good days and bad. That's how our recovery works, one codie reaching out to another.
Keeping your son in my prayers. This is a good start that hopefully will take him to a better path.
Hugs
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi MAMA! Welcome!
Your story sounds very familiar to me; your son sounds a lot like my brother. Thank you for sharing it. It sounds from your post that you are doing pretty well, doing your best not to enable your son, and doing the "right" things for yourself. I am so glad to hear you are going to Al-Anon. The more open you are to learning and to hearing others' stories and feedback, the more manageable your life becomes. I hope you keep going back.
Being a Mom is the hardest, most rewarding, most challening and most important job I will ever have. I'm starting to think that perhaps I put too much emphasis on that statement. I know that it is time to think about me. I know this. I suppose all Mom's who are in or have been in the same space as me feel like failures.
My Mother regularly shares with me that she feels guilty about her children and their behavior, and she searches for what she could possibly have done wrong.
She wonders if it was something she ate or didn't eat during pregnancy, whether or not she left the babies in their cribs too long, or maybe that time when the child had to be punished for something they did, etc, etc...
What I tell her is this:
"Mom, there was NOTHING you did wrong. There is nothing on Earth that you could possibly have done or neglected to do that would CAUSE this to happen. It is not your fault. Addiction is an insidious DISEASE."
Mama, I want you to know the same as what I tell my Mom. Please know that I am sure that you did THE BEST JOB in raising your son. I would like you to understand also, that he is an adult and he has been one for a very long time. He has made the decisions he has made that have brought him to this point in his life--and neither YOU nor what you did raising him has ANYTHING to do with it.
In the Jewish faith, when a boy turns 13, he is accepted by his community as a man. At 13, he has arrived at the age of religious responsibility and adulthood. I too believe in this principle. And I believe it applies to your son. Please don't beat yourself up.
YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: MO
Posts: 10
I want to express my sincere thanks to everyone! It is such a relief to find other people that understand where I am at.
Today was day one for my son in out patient rehab. I haven't heard from him. I've heard that many addicts really hate the first few sessions. I'm WAY okay with that. Getting your life together isn't supposed to be a day at the beach.
I suspect he would just tell me what I want to hear...or take the road he took when I had him put in psych ward..."look what you've done to me Mom!" I seriously have to laugh when I think of that statement. Totally ignorant and a statement made by an individual who is unable to accept his own faults/issues.
I keep thinking of one of my favorite phrases...if you keep doing what you are doing, and get the same results, perhaps you should rethink what you are doing. I am certain the actual phrase is much more eloquent. But this is how I remember it.
I am anxiously awaiting my second meeting, this Thursday. While I may seem to have more knowledge as a beginner...I've simply done a lot of searching and homework...I am not as strong as most people that know me think. I look forward to gaining inner strength and I firmly believe that I am in the right place!
Thanks again. It means so very much.
Today was day one for my son in out patient rehab. I haven't heard from him. I've heard that many addicts really hate the first few sessions. I'm WAY okay with that. Getting your life together isn't supposed to be a day at the beach.
I suspect he would just tell me what I want to hear...or take the road he took when I had him put in psych ward..."look what you've done to me Mom!" I seriously have to laugh when I think of that statement. Totally ignorant and a statement made by an individual who is unable to accept his own faults/issues.
I keep thinking of one of my favorite phrases...if you keep doing what you are doing, and get the same results, perhaps you should rethink what you are doing. I am certain the actual phrase is much more eloquent. But this is how I remember it.
I am anxiously awaiting my second meeting, this Thursday. While I may seem to have more knowledge as a beginner...I've simply done a lot of searching and homework...I am not as strong as most people that know me think. I look forward to gaining inner strength and I firmly believe that I am in the right place!
Thanks again. It means so very much.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: MO
Posts: 10
I really like the way you put that...saying what you mean and not saying it mean. Boy that is powerful. I went down that road...the saying it as mean as I could...didn't help me or him. I'll remember that one! Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 234
One thing I have learned from my 20 yo AS is that the only thing my mommy guilts did was allow him to use longer and harder. I'm not saying I still don't feel quilty on occasion but I don't let him see that. But the difference is I don't let him play on it anymore.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Birmingham,AL
Posts: 1
I just lucked up & found this site & your thread...my youngest (21) is in jail for drugs. He was & has been living with his dad in another state. i have heard that they found burned spoons, also that the police found hidden a needle & spoon & that he was using his feet & between his toes to insert the poison. I've been told "roxie" was one of many drugs. I need this site to help me communicate with him-or not...I feel so lost.
Thank you for sharing your story. I pray my son wants help!
Thank you for sharing your story. I pray my son wants help!
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
I am sorry you are here, but I can 100% say that you're a quick learner. You're doing everything that you can do- straignt from the books. The ball is in HIS court right now. You're merely a bystandard. Again I'm sorry you're here. Prayers go out to you and your son.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
What an excellent start! I am also the mom of addicts, but it is my daughter's addiction to meth that gets me here most times. She is 22 (23 in November), incarcerated, homeless, and has never been able to hold a job. She didn't finish high school, but did get her GED and was sober during 2 pregnancies.
My husband and I now have legal custody of her boys, her husband is out of prison and struggling with his own sobriety and he will be divorcing her soon, I think.
It is a far more difficult path than I ever imagined when I gave birth to that little girl. But no, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
And who knows what the future holds? I know Alanon tells me to not have expectations for any particular outcomes. But I can have hope... and most days, I get that by stopping by this forum and reading a bit.
Welcome to SR. I wish you the very best. ((hugs))
My husband and I now have legal custody of her boys, her husband is out of prison and struggling with his own sobriety and he will be divorcing her soon, I think.
It is a far more difficult path than I ever imagined when I gave birth to that little girl. But no, I wouldn't have missed it for anything.
And who knows what the future holds? I know Alanon tells me to not have expectations for any particular outcomes. But I can have hope... and most days, I get that by stopping by this forum and reading a bit.
Welcome to SR. I wish you the very best. ((hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: MO
Posts: 10
Son went to the outpatient rehab for 4 days now. He has his girlfriend listed as contact person, so the rehab has not contact us, his parents at all.
I pay for his health insurance and I see that he was prescribed 4 drugs - lorazepam 1 mg, trazodone 100 mg, methocarbanol 500 mg and clodine 0.1 mg. From what I gather from searching these, they are for depression, sleeping, and detoxing from opiates. I suspect that these also can be abused?
Son has shopped doctors for a year to get CLONAZEPAM and would take between 4-20 at a time. This was how we figured out he had a problem...then we found out about the smoking heroin.
I am rather dumbfounded that there is not some national database which would flag abusers of prescription drugs. Having applied for health insurance, I know there is a national database that shows all the prescription drugs that a person has purchased. Why isn't there a warning flag when an abuser tries to fill a prescription?
I know that I should just stay away from his recovery, but I am very worried that he has once again used his charm on doctors to give him what he wants. I was hoping that doctors in a rehab would have seen it all by now and not fallen for it. Or, maybe these drugs are drugs that will help him? Anyone? I just seem to believe that any prescription drugs are not in his best interest, given his history.
I am rather shocked that a rehab would prescribe drugs of any kind. I have so much to learn.
I pay for his health insurance and I see that he was prescribed 4 drugs - lorazepam 1 mg, trazodone 100 mg, methocarbanol 500 mg and clodine 0.1 mg. From what I gather from searching these, they are for depression, sleeping, and detoxing from opiates. I suspect that these also can be abused?
Son has shopped doctors for a year to get CLONAZEPAM and would take between 4-20 at a time. This was how we figured out he had a problem...then we found out about the smoking heroin.
I am rather dumbfounded that there is not some national database which would flag abusers of prescription drugs. Having applied for health insurance, I know there is a national database that shows all the prescription drugs that a person has purchased. Why isn't there a warning flag when an abuser tries to fill a prescription?
I know that I should just stay away from his recovery, but I am very worried that he has once again used his charm on doctors to give him what he wants. I was hoping that doctors in a rehab would have seen it all by now and not fallen for it. Or, maybe these drugs are drugs that will help him? Anyone? I just seem to believe that any prescription drugs are not in his best interest, given his history.
I am rather shocked that a rehab would prescribe drugs of any kind. I have so much to learn.
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