rose

[Wow IPT, your last post was kind of shocking...I am really wondering if this is not about her at all, it is about your ego being damaged...yes? Maybe she could not keep up with your high standards, controlling and molding.

I have no idea where in the world you found documentation that taller more attractive people get paid more...I am only 4'11, I think my short little legs did well for me, I managed to keep a home and food on the table for my 2 sons for 6 years.

It is a real shame that you have catorgized yourself to good-looking woman only and the rest just don't do it for you....this is very narrow and shallow thinging. Beauty lies within and you get what you deserve with this belief.

Rose

IPT

Hi ROse...I did a quick Google search. Here are 2 listings. I will respond in more detail to your other thoughts in the am.

Tall people earn more because they're smarter. - By Joel Waldfogel - Slate Magazine

Taller people lead happier lives according to new research

There are exceptions to every rule. My objective here was not ruffle feathers. This is just information that has come to my attention over the years many times. Take what you like and leave the rest. Heck, back in the 60's science said steroids didn't work!

IPT

This is the response I was afraid of and why I nearly deleted the post. What I was looking for was what KJ wrote, thanks KJ. You are correct Rose, a lot of it does have to do with my ego. Doesn’t the pain of any breakup (addicted relationship or not) have some root in our ego (why wasn’t I good enough? What could I have done differently?)? When we tell a person “don’t take an addicts action personally, they are ruled by their addiction and it has nothing to do with you as a person or what you do or do not do” are we not doing that to protect our ego, our sense of self worth? Is it not our ego on an unconscious level that that gets a codie hurt; “I am healthy, I can help them the better way of life they want. I can love them enough and give them the support they need to change their life”. It may be wrong to do, but on a deep level that comes from our ego and is exactly why we get hurt when it fails.

It is what it is and I am who I am. I am learning about me and what makes me tick. It’s no different than "learning" from living with a dysfunctional parent that lying is a good way to protect yourself. You get conditioned to lie because it gives you a positive outcome (not being yelled at or hit). Dating good looking women got me attention, a positive outcome if you will. I also worked hard to keep myself fit and attracted like-minded people (fit and attractive). As a teenager and early twenty something that was my lifestyle. Unfortunately it is also when I was also developing a deeper sense of "self".

Shallow? Maybe on the surface, but you are missing the other components to it. I had this argument when I was attending school for my masters degree (on an academic scholarship mind you). The whole dumb gym rat thing, the vanity of it all. What people tend to forget is that it takes a LOT of focus, determination, and discipline to keep fit (unless you have freaky genetics and get by on that, and many do). Those characteristics do not get left at the gym door. They carry over into life. It is probably to some extent why I have had the success I have had. I am no where as fit or obsessed with it as I used to be (working out) but I do aim high in life, set high goals, expect a lot from myself and have been quite successful because of it. In fact it was a trait my ex admired and said so often. One day I had her read a chapter from a book I read when I was about 19 and she cried. She said “you’re lucky, no one ever taught me about delayed gratification, setting goals, or the psychology of success ”. That lifestyle I led (though superficial to some) was in a lot ways a great thing for me. It gave me a very solid foundation.

Back to your question
Maybe… the high standards part. I had friends tell me “you should date someone at your own level” (educationally, success wise, emotionally). I guess I just don’t look at people like they are below me. I saw her (and essentially every other human being) as being able to be or do whatever she wanted to in life. I AM NO ONE SPECIAL, I got where I did from focus, hard work, and taking some chances, facing fears I had. So can anyone. I may have had few genetic factors in my favor, but so did she. When we meet she was fit and active. We would trail run, she was at the gym several times per week. If she wasn’t using she would have kicked my butt on the trails! She was at my “high standards” as you so eloquently put it. I didn’t need to “control or mould”... it was her lack of responsibility that became the problem. The making plans and not showing up, not calling back when she said she would. Then as her life and family unraveled it got worse and worse. Then the exercise stopped, and us doing things together. Admittedly at that point I did become controlling. I was trying to get back what we had, “help her” attain the goals she told me she had set for herself. I have learned from here that that was where I went wrong. I truly didn’t see it as controlling because I just thought I was helping her get where she wanted to be . Heck, I have learned a ton of things from the people on here. It has been an amazing place for me.

When I say I am attracted to “good looking women” as you put it what I maybe should have said was “fit” women. They live the lifestyle I like to live, an active and healthy one. So, maybe I do miss out on some great people by living in that “narrow” area, but the people that I meet are going to have a common lifestyle to me and if that wasn’t important than it would be no problem dating an addict who doesn’t take care of themselves, but it is important. Certainly most people do not seek partners that look strung out, on drugs or unhealthy…unless they themselves are that way too. A lot of times (not always) how we look says a lot about our lifestyle and the choices that we make.

Here’s the kicker of it though, beauty is more than skin deep and I know that. So even though the physical part is undeniable, I have met many gorgeous women who in a week or two were totally unattractive to me because of their personality. I have also meet people I originally was not attracted too who over time became very appealing to me. People are just that, people. They have many levels and depths and I am well aware of that. What is beautiful anyway? Ms America? Not for me, I am not a big fan of that type of look. I totally prefer a much more natural unmade-up sort of look. I am not nearly as shallow as you have surmised but lets face it, you do not see people like Brad Pit and George Cloney dating people like Rosanne Barr . Have you not ever looked at a couple that seemed mismatched in the appearance and wondered why? Like tend to attract like (isn’t the fact that we are here example enough of that). I am not perfect, not even close. There are many people way better looking than me. I don’t even know what people see in me but I do know the responses I get and what I hear. I just saw a girl who I thought was gorgeous…but her teeth were not straight and she was only 5’ tall. Still, she was gorgeous to me and I would have been happy to date her (if she wasn’t married).

The whole point of this post was not about me, my ego, or weather or not we should date attractive or unattractive people. It was about dealing with grieving, loss and learning to learn from our past, learn about ourselves and grow as people. So again, thank you KJ for helping me on that path! It was about dealing with the pain as the walls of denial come down after being in a relationship with an addict.

IPT

That is admirable. Good for you. People have no limits on what they can achieve when they really set their mind to it.



Of all the posts and threads I have written and read...this one, that made me remember my roots, my old ways, my old self. may have been the most helpful in getting my feet back under me at this particular junction in my life!

truthhurts

Honestly, I would think that most of us, male and female, are initially attracted to good-looking people. Especially men, as they tend to be more visually-oriented.

Luckily there is a wide range of what different people consider to be "good-looking." I don't think that makes you shallow, it makes you human.

kj3880

One thing about that response was interesting..you are attributing the change in your ex to "lack of responsibility." I was the most responsible college-educated control freak gym-rat single parent over-acheiver that you ever saw when I got hooked on opiates during pain management. The disease of addiction changed everything. I almost lost a life-long professional career and a 300K house on the water. So don't beat yourself up for choosing someone who became a slave to drugs. It can and does happen to some good people. If that helps at all. It's not always possible to see it coming. I don't think anyone would have predicted that I would become an addict at 42.

Love,
KJ

IPT

thanks truth, I agree.


KJ - wow, glad you are in a better place now. It sounds like you may have saved some things before you went all the way to the bottom.

I "picked her" because she loved to do what I like to do (she actually sort of picked me but that is a totally different story) winter camping, mountain biking, etc... Anyway, she was into drugs the whole time. I had just been away from that for so long I didn't see it (or recognize the smell of weed) and of course she hide it from me knowing it was SO NOT ME. She was "mildly" irresponsible at first but not too bad. Enough for me to ask friends if I was making too much of an issue of it when I got upset that she didn’t call back when she said she would though (of course she twisted it back on me).

Still, we spent a lot of time together and had a great time doing things together so I just chalked most of her actions up to being depressed and hoped it would change. Once I busted her and her family smoking together it all made sense. She swore they were all “quitting” and little old naive me who believes, "believe it and you can achieve it" accepted that as good as done.

After that first year is when it really went downhill fast. As her family drama escalated her behavior and use went off the charts. By then my ties with the business venture became much stronger and she was the keystone of it. It was a nightmare of epic proportions and it took me another year or so before I found this place and had any idea of what I was dealing with. I chalked her actions up to the depression and family dynamics not the drug use.

I am trying not to beat myself up at all. I got so wrapped up in all of this I lost track of many things. Primarily myself…ugh, but also of how and why it all went as far as it did too. It’s like a bad acid trip! Things are getting clearer and clearer, but just like having a really bad trip I will never be the same again. In some ways I am better, in others still wounded. In the end I did come out stronger and with much better self awareness though.

Just want to say again that I truly appreciate your sharing, thank you .